Uh..... Ahem.

Imagine with me now.....
Your husband is gone for a year on deployment
It's his first evening back
The kids aren't at home
Hormones are raging
You both start stripping
And BAM!! You see these.....

Yeah. Talk about a deal breaker.

P.S. They're not dirty! You people are gross! It's the fact that they are military issued poop-brown tighty whities that turned me off!

Prayers And Other Things

Prayers last night.......
Caleb (covering his eyes): Jesus, thank you for food. Amen.
Lily: Jesus loves the little children, and He gives us food. We're going to get Daddy tomorrow. I hope I get to go to Pa Pa and Nana's house tomorrow. (Mom, stop laughing.) There is food for everyone, and it's cold outside tonight. Jesus is good and kind (Mom! I'm praying! Stop laughing!) and He loves you and me. I like my school and all my friends (MOM!! Stop laughing!) and my teacher. And I mind really well. Jesus Christ, amen.
I was laughing because throughout her whole prayer she was farting! Big girl farts! I know the Lord was giggling too.

Today I went to wipe some spaghetti sauce off Lily's face the old fashioned mom way (spit and thumb) when she noticed my tongue ring and asked me to open my mouth, so I did.
"Oh Mom, that..... that's wonderful!"
Then Caleb came over, and they asked me to take it out. So while I was unscrewing the ring both the kids were sticking their tongues out and chewing them and stuff, like people who move their mouths when you're talking to them. Caleb said "Ewww, a hole!" and Lily said "Wow! Can I stick my finger in there?" It was funny.

Caleb has started taking off his dirty diaper and rubbing the contents on the couch. EEWWW!! Thank goodness we bought leather. I can just wipe it off. But it's still nasty. Mom suggested making him clean it off, which I think would make a bigger mess than it is originally. (Translation: Poop on fingers. Poop on hands. Poop in hair. Poop prints on the wall. Poop on the cat (try catching a poop-covered cat and washing her off.... yeah right). Poop footprints, just for the sake of experimentation. Need I continue?)

I tried waxing my eyebrows with pre-cut, pre-waxed strips, to help me achieve PERFECTLY SHAPED EYEBROWS EVERY TIME, GUARANTEED!!!! So I washed my eyebrows, dried them, applied the top strip, rubbed, and yanked it off. A little sting, not bad. Had to do it three times to get all the hair, but still worked ok. Same with the other side. Then I got to the bottom, you know underneath? I thought I had a pretty high pain tolerance, but I guess not, cause when I ripped off the top layer of my upper eyelid IT HURT. WTF, WHO INVENTED THESE RETCHED THINGS??!!! But I had to do the other one cause I knew I wouldn't be able to pluck the other side and make it match the one I just did. So with a little self-psyching and promises of chocolate, I did it. Thank goodness it got all the hair off in one strip cause I was NOT gonna do that again. I think I'll go back to plucking.

I bought a couple of yoga/Pilate's DVDs at Walmart the other day. I've never done yoga, so I tried it yesterday. I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing, like stretching and breathing and meditation? NOOOO. The stretching stuff was ok, though that lady could do some stuff I haven't seen in even the most ancient Kama Sutra books, like stand on the palms f her hands without bending her knees. That's not normal.
"Just reeeeach over and grab your ankles, or calves or wherever you feel comfortable putting your hands...."
How about on my thighs?
"If you can, just laaaay your lower arms and head on the floor and breathe deeply, in and out, nice and relaxed...."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
I bet that woman could see her ovaries if she was naked.
But alas, I want to be more flexible and toned, so I will try again on Monday. I don't sweat on weekends, plus James is coming home on a three day pass today, which means he's on poop duty, and I can concentrate on other things, like spending money.

Some Funny Stuff

Conversation I had with Caleb today:

"Sissy a girl!"
"Good! What are you?"
"A Caleb!"
"But are you a boy or a girl?"
"I a boy!"
"Good! What makes a girl different than a boy?"
"Da colors."
"The colors? What colors?"
"Da blue and da pink."
"The blue and the pink?"
"Yeah. Da blue for da boys and da pink for da girls!"

Prayers tonight:

Lily: "Dear God, We can move anywhere you say when Daddy gets back. Thank you for these people and our food. Amen. Jesus Christ."
Caleb: "Dear Jesus loves da little children. Momma and Daddy give me food. Thank you for da food. Daddy coming home. Jesus."
Amen!

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Dying

Dear Body,
It seems you and I have come to the same crossroads as the cat and I. Now I know I've done some pretty bad things that you may hold a grudge for, like getting pregnant at 17, Butterfingers, some drug use, ice cream, odd piercings, Cheetos, a second pregnancy..... I know, I KNOW. But good grief, this tops them all! WHY OH WHY must we have the flu AND menstruate at the SAME TIME?!!! Wouldn't it be easier to take things one by one? I mean, you've been barraging me for the last three months with menstrual issues, so I figured that when I got the flu you'd keep yourself occupied in THAT area and kinda forget about that OTHER area. You know, get yourself well before waging another war? This is not fun. Can't we work something out? Write back soon.
Talia

Letter To My Cat

Dear Psycho Cat:
I love you. I think you're pretty neat. You keep me company when my husband is away and my kids are asleep. However, I have developed a list of things we need to work on in order to coexist peacefully.
1. I know sometimes you have bowel problems. I understand, I get them sometimes too. BUT, is it necessary to "let loose" at 3 a.m.? I swear it sounds like a balloon full of pudding explodes when you first enter your litter box. It's 3 a.m.!! I know cat time is a little different than human time, but if you can't time your explosive bowel movements (Not to mention the smell, good heavens! My nostrils retreat just remembering!) during the normal business hours (daylight), can you at least give me a fair warning? Give me a chance to vacate to the couch? This applies to when company is over too.
2. Speaking of bowel movements, why must you unload while I'm cleaning your litter box? It's like "Hold on there, get this one while you're at it hon." It's gross. I think you do it because you know I will let you finish so I won't leave the chore "undone." You know it will bother me the rest of the day if I leave it in there. So stop.
3. PLEASE don't attack my butt when I fart. The first time was funny. Now it's not. I don't barrage your butt cheeks with claws every time you pass wind.
4. Speaking of attacks. I move while I sleep. It's human nature. And I understand you're nocturnal most nights. But that doesn't mean you can chew on my toes, nose, fingers, etc. Resist the urge. That's why there's a scratching post, to take out your undue frustrations.
5. Milk will be given AFTER I finish my cereal. Not before. Not during. So keep your paws out of it!!
6. Your boyfriend peed on my bed. That means no more overnight stays, no matter how much verbal diarrhea I hear from you. Plus, he eats too much.
7. If I trip over you while I'm trying to put food into your dish, I will break my leg and not be able to feed you any more. So find a place and park it until I'm done.
8. I put water in your dish for a reason. Please drink out of it, and not the toilet. That's just nasty. And a bare human butt hovering over you means quit drinking out of said toilet and MOVE or you will be peed on. Don't play chicken with me. I will win.
9. If you want outside and then change your mind halfway through the door, you will be pushed outside and the door will be shut. I don't play the "Hold on, I'm thinking....." game.
10. Your litter box need not be confined to holding feces and urine. It is capable of holding puke too. So use it and not my house shoes. PLEASE.
11. The plastic on the window is to keep the cold air out. If you keep making holes in it, I will put you out in the cold air.
12. The poinsettia is almost dead, but I think I like it now. So please stop mauling it.

I hope my requests are not unreasonable, because I'd like to keep you around. If you do find them unbearable, though, I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't mind a new roommate.
Love,
Your Loving Owner

Update

Hello, wonderful audience!
Sorry I haven't been posting. I've been really not busy. Well, kinda.
First, James came home! Woo hoo! For three days! Now he's in Utah! Ugghh!
Talk about falling in love all over again.
He was scheduled to arrive at 3:30 A frikin M, so the day before I drove to the Hood and spent the day with Melissa, the wife of James' friend. We had a blast! I can't think of a store we didn't go to. Wal-mart, Dollar General, Hobby Lobby, Olive Garden.... ok, maybe I can. Then we bought a bottle of wine and went back to our hotel room to sip and watch t.v.
Ok, the instructions said "Hold bottle firmly while twisting cork." So I did, and nothing happened! Then I noticed the wire thingy, which I should have seen sooner cause it was raking the crap out of my hand while I tried to twist the cork, so I start to take it off the neck of the bottle and POW!!!!!
I nearly take Melissa's eye out with the cork. Great way to start a friendship, huh? So we drank a little bit and watched t.v. and tried to sleep but couldn't. Then we got ready and went to get the guys. It's funny, after 6 months of being away I felt like a teenager in high school! I primped and propped (those who know me know I DO NOT primp) and sucked in my gut and practiced walking and smiling and laughing. The whole time we were waiting for them I was rehearsing how I would elegantly (and skinnily) prance down the bleachers to greet him. It was retarded!
So they guys finally come in and get into formation and of course some big shot has to talk, thankfully for only 10 minutes. Melissa and I didn't really hear much cause we were trying to find our husbands. I really couldn't tell who was who, and Melissa was like
"I've never met James before, but I'm pretty sure he's the guy in the front that keeps looking at you."
LOL. Then the guys are dismissed and I have to put my shoes on cause they're too small and I had taken them off and I guess I was taking too long cause Melissa almost pushes me down the bleachers on her way to greet her hubby. James I think teleported to the top of the bleachers where I was cause I didn't even have both shoes on and he was up there.
AHEM. Fast forward to the next day. We spent the three hour ride home catching up, and the next few days rediscovering what features of one another we love (getting the kids off my hands) and just plain put up with (snoring!). It was great. He'll be home in a couple of weeks. He has to go learn how to be a sergeant. Woo hoo, finally a promotion!!!
We plan on going skiing when he gets back with Melissa and Paul. Well, the guys are going to ski. The wives will build snowmen safely at the safe bottom of the mountain. Should be nice and CCOOLLDD. I hope we plan on hot tubbing often.
****Notes From Mom****
I'm so proud of my naive firstborn..she doesn't know that "wine" that pops its cork is actually champagne.....(Luv, Mom)

Ok, like how was I supposed to know that?? It didn't say champagne on the bottle. Guess you have to "know your pinot noirs" to figure that one out!