Oh The Insanity

Caleb is potty training. We've got peeing down, and pooping is coming along nicely. We're still working on "shaking it" after he finishes so his underwear aren't soaked by the end of the day. Plus, he was smelling like a vagrant. Oh, and "keeping it down." I love sitting on a wet toilet seat. Some cute quotes from our potty training:
"But I'm tired of dith poopin!"
"I gotta go to da bafroom! Turnnaround! Don't watch me!"
"It won't come out." --while looking at "it" and shaking "it"
"Da poopin and da pee peein will make me big and thtrong?"

Lily was making a pizza tonight, and i was telling her what buttons to push on the microwave. When I said start, she said
"Does it start with a S and a T and a A and a R and a T again?"
I love preschool.

This Is A Test Of The Emergency Hormonal System....

So James comes home this weekend and finds me gagging into a trashcan, which I have been doing for about 12 days now, as well as being moody and sleeping a lot. And suddenly it hits me.
"You think you might be pregnant?" I ask myself.
I know I didn't just say the "P" word.
So I catapult off the bed and grab my handy dandy calendar that I have been keeping for Provera (beating my cycles into normal, 28 day, moderate bleeding submission) purposes, and my heart drops about five feet.
THREE
DAYS
LATE.
I've been like clockwork
SINCE
JANUARY.
No. Oh no. NO NO NO. Do you hear me, uterus? I SAID NO. I thought you got the hint when the doctor singed your tubes and clamped them shut. 99.99% effective in preventing pregnancy. Look, here's the pamphlet. LOOK, YOU MORONIC UTERUS. THIS says NO, and I say NO.
She laughed at me.
So after I scraped myself off the floor and started breathing again, I calmly (HYPERVENTILATINGLY) informed James that (YOU BASTARD WITH THE SUPERSONIC SPERM, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!) we were in a predicament.
No. I just have a stomach bug. Really. REALLY.
But the next day, after chugging a half bottle of Pepto Bismol for nausea and almost throwing up at the sight of my once beloved ice cream, I decided maybe we should get a test. Just to ease my mind because James is clearly elated. He agrees with me that we want no more children, this would be devastating, kids are expensive, I can't handle three kids James I can't it's not going to happen, but he's glowing. HE wants a football team. I want my sanity.
So we buy one. And I do my thing.
And it's NEGATIVE.
You stupid gelatinous *$#^%!! Next time you do a hormonal test check-up, let me know!! That was NOT funny! Stupid.
Turns out it was a bug, because James has it now. And ole Aunt Flo made her debut yesterday. Stupid hormones.

Update..... Uh, 3?

WELL.....
We're moving in about four days. To another part of Texas, the pretty part. East Texas. They have GRASS. REAL GRASS. James got a job up there; now he's an electrician. Marine, corrections officer, husband, father, manufacturer, water piper, firefighter, Guardsman, and now electrican. Whoo. I've only ever been a cashier, mother, wife, complaint recepient and DQ queen. The move seems liketa pretty solid idea.... that is, if you can get past these facts:

1. I am moving very far away from my mom, dad, grandparents, in-laws, and children. (What? I have to take them with me? Crap.) I've never lived more than 30 miles from any of them. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I guess I'll have to "grow up" and tough it out. Crap.

2. I'm moving away from my babies!!

The first is my nephew Zayden. The second is my friend Lydia's babies, Laylah and Justice. I see these three weekly, if not daily. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I guess I'll have to scout our new apartment complex for new or expecting mothers. (Hey! Hey you! Can I hold your baby? Please? Just for a minute? I'm having baby withdrawal!!)

3. James is considered contracted labor. Translation: we (meaning I) have to deduct our own taxes. And, he doesn't get paid overtime. AND, he'll be getting at least 5 hours overtime a week. But he does get paid weekly, which is cool.

4. Our insurance is going up $20 a month. Rent is going up $285. We have to switch from Verizon to AT&T, always stressful. But our electricity rate is going down, water will be paid, and the city tax is lower, so I guess it evened out. Plus, they have GRASS.

5. Lily will be tranferring mid-year. Pre-k should be no big year, right? Whatever, she's leaving all her friends behind! Plus, the kids (and I) will be going through Nana and PaPa withdrawal for the first three weeks, which means I may pick up my half-gallon-of-ice-cream-a-day habit again. Crap.

6. While going through said withdrawal, I will have to be constantly reminding my mother and mother-in-law that children must be set free to roam the earth with their heathen, dirty, screaming children. Please (DON'T) start unpacking, (DON'T) unload the car, and try to (GET HERE AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE) relax and think of the (INTENSE RELIEF YOU WILL BE GIVING ME AND YOURSELF) long term affects of your hasty decisions based solely on (MY INABILITY TO FUNCTION, WHY OH WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?!!) emotion.

7. I have to leave my cat. Yes, the psycho one. But I love her dearly. How I will miss our bathroom showdowns and butt attacks. Crap.

Our Story

www.ourstory.com

I found this pretty cool website. You create a page about yourself by answering a jillion questions. Then your family and friends can log on and spend hours reading about you. Here's some I'll share with you:

>>How did you first get the news that a new baby would soon join your life?
How did I get the news? How does anyone?? I peed on a freaking stick!! With Lily I was in the bathroom at school, and my first thought was OH SHAT. Caleb was planned, so I was pretty excited.

>>How did you respond when you first heard that you were expecting a baby?
Lily: OH CRAP. He said he got kicked in the balls and couldn't have kids!! WTF?!! Liar! Liar! Look at the stick, you moron! Two pink lines not one!! Stupid! Look!!
Caleb: Yay!!! What a great wedding present! Now he's really stuck with me for life!!

>>How did you and your partner meet, fall in love, and take the first steps that led to this new baby?
Oh gosh. What steps did we take?? Are you serious??

>>Did your baby "happen" easily, or did it take some work to bring him or her into your life?
You people have me ROLLING!! Um.... Lily only took three months and endless bottles of liquor. So I guess she "happened" relatively easily. Caleb came just four weeks after a miscarriage. Eager little fellow, eh? So I guess he was an easy baby too, though with both I didn't do much work. Isn't that "his" job?

>>What musical, artistic, or other self-expressive talents emerged during your teenage years?
I liked (and still do like) to write. I would write some pretty creepy stuff and then end up burning it. I've started about 30 journals, including food journals, and have never gotten past the first week. Oh, and in my freshman year me and three of my friends tried to be witches. You know, candles and crap. Does that count as artistic? Maybe more like self-expressive....

>>For professional recordkeeping, list the details of your job title, the company you work for, your manager, and the duration of your employment in this role.
Title: Mommy
Company: Oops I Did It Again, Inc.
Manager: God, husband, in-laws, mom and granny.
Duration of Job: FFOORREEVVEERR!!
Job Duties: short order cook, poop cleaner, dish washer, clothes washer, bather, wiper, potty trainer, chaperone, negotiator, interpreter, lost items retrieval, walmart marathon shopper, checkbook balancer, dresser, cat rescuer.

>>Name and provide titles and roles for any employees or assistants that you manage or supervise.
I have one assistant, his name is James. He moonlights as a husband. He performs the duties previously listed if I am doing more than three things at one time. Doesn't need much supervision, requires menial wages (namely anything lacey or "hands on"), and will eat almost anything. Has been an asset to the company for three years now.

I've Been Blond Since Birth

Recently I took a quiz to see if I was dumb. If I scored an 18 or below, I'm smart. I scored 18. On the verge of stupidity. This is what my mom wrote when I sent my quiz results to her:

I was hoping that they would ask "Have you ever swallowed your gum and choked on it while being baptized which made you lose your footing and fall farther under water and flail your arms trying to stand back up while the preacher is trying to help you?"...memories... Luv, Mom

Yes. I was chewing gum during my baptism. So sue me, I'm blond. I guarantee I made some people smile that day, the Good Lord included. I think that's why He made me the way I am. For a good laugh or two. Oh, and once when I was 8 months pregnant I fell off the back porch steps and got myself wedged between the bottom step and my dad's truck. I never knew my dad could exit a car that quickly.

On another note, I started my diet again today. Seriously. Yesterday Lily said "Mom, if you have a big tummy why don't you just have a baby in there?" Ggrrr. I saw James cringe and back away instantly. There's just some things you don't say to Mommy.

Oh The Chaos

This weekend we went to Ennis, Tx. THE LONGEST FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE. Oh, the DVD player helped a little, but after 3 movies it gets really hot and I didn't want to catch anything on fire, as enticing as it sounded (that was for you Taryn). So we get there, and our friend have 4 kids. I mean I knew this before we went and I had prepared myself, but geez Louise! They weren't annoying or anything, I guess cause they're not mine, but after this weekend I'm considering getting my tubes tied. Again. Just to be sure. I don't know how they do it! They have a pretty good system going, bath time and dinner go smooth. They even go to bed at 8!! Wow! That's accomplishment right there folks. All four, pow, asleep. And I didn't see any Benadryl use to boot. They're my heroes. You know what's bad? We all went bowling and MY kid is the one who kept running away! I swear theirs stayed in one place and bowled, but mine? Nope. Caleb sprinted across the bowling lanes twice and the table area thrice. You can imagine how we looked when their four kids are being good and my ONE KID is being.... not good!! I was so embarrassed. What was even funnier was the kids got higher scores than some of the adults! It was great. Like hanging out with a daycare all weekend.

Those Genes Look Good On You!

Caleb talks to himself. A lot. Maybe not abnormally a lot, but we're getting close. He talks mostly when he's playing by himself, and the conversation (can you call it that?) goes something like this:

Boom Boom Boom
Hear that?
Boom Boom
I see da dinosaur!
Run! Run!
Here he comes!
Run!
AAAAHHHHH!! He's gonna get me!!! AAAHHHH!!
He got me!! AAAHHHH!!
Chomp Chomp Chomp
He got you! Run, run!

So cute, huh? I pondered whether this kind of talking is healthy, so I tried to focus on playing with him more, but he just tells me to go away. So sweet. I've discovered where he gets it from though. His father. Here's a clip from James' conversation while he's on the computer:

Humming a song
I wonder where I could find.....
Oh, okay.
Wow! Look you can build it all right here!
Fire course, leadership course.....
Where's the.....
Here it is.
Hey wait a minute......
Oh! Go back......
WHERE DID IT GO?
Crap.
Wait, maybe it's.....
No, it's not there.
But why is it?........
Crap crap crap!
Oh! I see! Hey babe, look at.......
Where do I......
Oh here we go. Bookmark it.
Ok, now what else.....
Oh yeah, a new truck.....

At least Caleb finishes his sentences. Good grief. I guess what bothers me the most is that I never know when he's talking to me or himself.
One more gripe:
There's something terribly wrong when I have to take hits off the air freshener every time he "drops the kids off at the pool." Am I right?