House Of Poo 2

INSTRUCTIONS FOR CLEANING UP EXCESSIVE FECAL MATTER FROM YOUR VIRUS-RIDDEN SPAWN

1. Carry spawn to bathroom and commence vomiting into toilet from foul smell and liquidity of mess.
2. Strip spawn, turn shower head to jet and hose spawn off, gagging.
3. Sidestep fecal mess to retrieve clean clothes for spawn.
4. Return to bathroom, turn shower head to "paint stripping blast" and annihilate the very bacteria from spawn's soiled clothing and bathtub.
5. Gather the following: 160 baby wipes, 2 cans of Lysol, carpet stain remover, old dishrag, warm water, 3 plastic bags and air freshener. Rubber gloves a plus.
6. Gag some more while using the previously listed items to remove and sanitize all eight fecal spots on the white carpet.
7. Decide that you've lived here more than a year and you won't get your deposit back anyway, cease trying to get stains out of carpet.
8. Tie up bags and dispose of waste. Gag.
9. Lysol everything that may have entered your peripheral vision since the explosion occurred. SATURATE WELL.
10. Place can of Lysol in a safe place and wash hands and forearms in scalding water with bleach and antibacterial soap (even if you used gloves, because you never know).
11. Using second can of Lysol, disinfect first can.
12. Spray generous amount of air freshener and put away cleaning products.
13. Call husband and inform him that his shift starts 5 minutes before he gets home tonight.

Guess That Sound!

Quiz: What goes
WWAAARRRRLOOOOOPPP RRRUUUUUPPPPP
PLOP SPLASH
????????
Give up?
The sound of my son's stomach rumbling and the subsequent release of fecal matter onto the white carpet.
Note to self: when battling a recurrent stomach bug, DO NOT dress he-child in boxer briefs. They don't hold up well.

Those Genes Look Good On You! 4

In relation to the last post on this page, I love listening to Caleb play his computer games!!
I'm gonna get you!!
Come back here, you panty-head butt booper!!
Get back here!
What the...
Oh gosh!
You butt face poopy head!!
I'm gonna shoot you! BAM BAM BAM!!
Oh, don't get me!!
NNNNOOOOOO!!!!
I losted.

Someone Give This Woman A Raise!!

Man I hate when people make a psychiatric screw up.
I recently filled my prescription for my Wellbutrin XL at Walgreens and they gave me the generic, which I thought would be OK since generics are basically the same as name brand, right? WRONG. All of a sudden I was catapulted into the I-want-to-cry-after-I-eat-your-arm-for-pissing-me-off zone, and I wasn't comfortable at all. Neither was my husband. I think he was scared, actually. So then I had to call my doctor to get him to fax a request that my meds be dispensed AS WRITTEN instead of SCREW IT UP IF YOU CAN MANAGE.
"Dr. Boo Bop's office, can I help you?"
"Maybe. I dunno."
"Do you need to make an appointment?"
"No, I recently came in and had Boo Bop renew my prescription for my medicines and Walgreens gave me the generic and I need him to fix it NOW."
"Can I have your name please?"
--blah blah--
"OK... can you describe your symptoms for me?"
--The Exorcist voice--
"They call me Legion, for we are many..."
"Oh, well let me just give this note to Boo Bop and we'll have you fixed right up in a jiffy OK?"
"That will be acceptable. Thank you."
I want to commend this woman because she got him to call very quickly (the same day, which is unheard of in doctor-ville), but my stupid insurance company pulled the "you just filled an identical prescription 10 days ago" crap and no amount of green vomit or head turning could get me a refill for 8 business days. Grrr.

House Of Poo

The two households which are the B's and the E's have been passing the stomach bug back and forth for a week now. Seriously, every time we go over there at least two kids get sick, and when they come over... wait, they never come over! But that's OK, I know it's easier to get two kids into a vehicle instead of four. Caleb was the most recent victim and I thought I was going to die of suffocation. I could SEE his stench, people. But the way he waddled over to me to change his pull-up was kind of funny, and his yelling "Mom, when will I stop poopin'!!" was hilarious.
Caleb is getting to the stage where he's saying really cute stuff and performing silly antics and such. Yesterday he proudly proclaimed that "I AM A WEENIE!!"

Pregnant She-male

On MSN yesterday I saw an article about a man claiming he is five months pregnant with his and his wife's baby. I had to click on it, y'all. Turns out, "he" was actually born a she and transgendered into a male. Grew body hair, removed the breasts, etc. but still kept his female parts. Thus, with the help of a sperm donor and some in-vitro, "he" is pregnant. Now I don't know about you, but that pisses me off.
WOMEN are supposed to have babies. It is a FEMALE thing. How can you masquerade as a man and be pregnant? Do you want to be a man or a woman? It flies in the face of God's design for us. I'm pretty sure He's shaking His head as this progresses. They go on to explain that they will raise their daughter as mother and father. How are they going to explain that when she grows up? Good grief.

The He-Child Poops!!!

I can hardly believe it!!
Caleb has been pooping in the toilet for TWO DAYS NOW!!
Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP?!!!
I don't know how to explain it other than yesterday morning something (almost audibly) clicked. He loves to proudly exclaim "I'm such a big boy now!" as he's bent over and I'm wiping his butt. I think Mimi's reading-while-he-sits-on-the-potty idea helped.
On the down side, he no longer wears underwear.
He says it helps him go poop better.
Hey, whatever works right?

Buy Now, Pay (big time) Later

I have heard many radio commercials advertising discount Lasik procedures. WHAT?!! If someone is going to be hacking on my eyeball with a laser it sure won't be a two-bit college drop out who needs a quick $500. That's just stupid! Like people who go out of the country for cheap dental/cosmetic work and get all screwed up. HELLO?!! What did you expect? I paid $4400 for my Lasik, and I would pay it again, because he was a REAL doctor with a REAL degree.
Some people may be asking, What if these doctors are real and just want to help the underpaid people who have horrible vision?
Well for starters, the most advanced equipment costs a cool $2 million, and if you're doling out Lasik procedures for $500, how in the heck are you paying for the equipment? Second, cheap procedures aren't going to help pay off that medical school these docs supposedly went to. Third and finally, I believe that medically you get what you pay for. I for one don't want to come out of anesthesia with burned eye balls, blasted teeth and crooked nipples.

Up, Up and Away!!

Caleb has entered the questioning stage. I am daily bombarded with thousands of questions about everything, everyone, and anyhow. Many of his questions are asked while he is watching a movie.
"Mom, what are toymites (termites)?"
"TER-mites. They are little bugs that eat wood."
"Why do toymites eat wood?"
"Caleb, it's TER-mites."
"But Popeye says toymites."
"Yeah, but it's really TER-mites."
"Why does Popeye have toymites?"
"I don't know. Sometimes they just come around."
"And they eat your house?"
"No, not the whole house. This is just a cartoon."
"Mom, how come toymites can't eat Popeye's house now?"
"He rebuilt it out of steel."
"Mom, what is steel?"
"It's a very hard metal."
"Mom, toymites might eat steel tomorrow."

I find it so cool to tell my kids about new things. One morning it was about the solar system. Lily wanted to know why it was morning but we could still see the moon, and I explained to her about Earth and how it rotates around the sun, etc. Then I went on to explain that there were many planets, but only one with humans on it.
"Mom, can we go to the planets?" Lily asks.
"Well, people have been to the moon but that's it."
"Why are they not going to the other ones?"
"They're really far away."
"We better get a fast rocket ship!" Caleb quips.
"Even the fastest rocket would still take a long time to reach other planets. Imagine if you got on one today and it traveled as fast as it could go, you still wouldn't get to the farthest planet until you were almost 100 years old!"
--a collective WOW--
"But mom, I just want to be six when I get there!"

On a side note, Great Expectations did not live up to my expectations. I was interested in it; I just didn't want to put in the effort to try and decipher the old worldly text. I think I'll stick with good old John Steinbeck.