Notes To Self

Don't EVER buy the dollar store brand shaving cream. BAD. NEWS.

Remember that daughter will forget the stipulations of Girl Scout meeting attendance and whining will ensue.

Spend the extra bucks for quality cat litter. And food.

And shaving cream. (shudder)

Buy a small notebook to keep in your purse for when you forget your regular notebook at home.

Have one place for sunglasses, keys, purse, bills, etc. When looking for something, it won't be in that location.

Defensive Driving is BORING. Watch your driving.

BLOG MORE.

A Long Overdo Weigh In

Blah.
So, I'm down to a size 14/16 (depending on the store I'm at and how distorted their sizing system is) and I WAS weighing in at 210.
But for some reason I'm now back to 220.
But my arms and legs and stomach are not any bigger. I can still fit into the clothes I was in when I weighed ten pounds less.
????????
Even if it is muscle I'm not too thrilled.
But if I'm healthy and my husband still kinda oogles my boobs I suppose I should be happy too.

Christmas 2009 -- The List

Wow, I haven't blogged twice in the same month since.... May or something.
Anyway.
'Tis the season for gobbling turkey and Black Friday sales and Christmas music and Jesus.
And the yearly culminated wish list.
Which for the kids means the 4,772 items Nana said "You'll have to wait for Christmas!" to.
(Lily circled a step ladder and Caleb circled Oreos in the toy book for Mimi to use as a guide. Classic.)
To James it means "The stuff I've been bugging and bugging and pleading and whining and otherwise carrying on for that APPARENTLY she has YET TO NOTICE."
To me, it means excitedly shopping in June and being bored in December and not really needing anything, except.....

A boob job. D's should look nice.
Laser hair removal. Legs only.
A nonstick muffin pan.
One pair of perfectly fitting, never shrinking, never wrinkling jeans.
New kitchen knives.
Liposuction. Say..... 20 pounds.I'm not high maintenance or anything, right?
A calorie free, fat free, sodium free food that tastes DELICIOUS and is cheap to buy.

I'm not too high maintenance, am I?
No really. I need a muffin pan.

Who You Gonna Call? Not This Blogger!!

Recently I awoke at 3:47 a.m. with two 48 lb. children nestled snugly under my armpits.
Joy.
When inquired, they cited nightmarish nightmares as the motive for changing beds.
I reminded them that if they pray and I pray, Jesus would give them a good night's rest... in their own beds.
No go.
So, I'm really tired and I don't want to get up, so I let them stay.
Lily falls asleep, Caleb starts talking.
"I just can't go to sleep because the colors don't go away, even at night!"
"Huh?"
--repeat--
"What are you talking about?"
"The COLORS. I see them in the air."
"What kind of colors?"
--names the rainbow--
"Are they... around people?"
"No, just floating in the air."
"Floating?"
"Yeah."
"Are they big?"
"Sometimes, mostly small and round."
"When do you see them?"
"When I am awake, in the air."
"Outside too?"
"Sometimes."
"Everywhere? Like at school too?"
"Yeah."
................
"And they won't go away!"
"Well, let's pray about it, okay?"
"Okay."
We pray. We fall asleep.

In the morning I ask Caleb about our conversation, trying to figure out if he was dreaming or what not.
"Caleb, do you remember what we talked about last night?"
"Yeah. The colors."
"Do you see any right now?"
"Yeah."
"Where?"
"Over there in the corner. They're like, purple."
--We all look--
"I don't see anything there."
"I do."
Lily: "Me too! They're right there!"
"Um.... okay...."

So, who should I call? The ophthalmologist or the exorcist?

Lessons from Babysitting 2- Typical Schedule

8:30 -- Acquire child

8:30-9:00 -- Feed child 2 pieces of buttered toast

9:00-11:00 -- Keep child out of the candy, buttons, bottled water, sodas, baskets, Betta fish, fish food, framed photos, refrigerator, cleaning supply cabinet, paper towels, toilet, regular towels, potpourri, candles, candle holders, scissors, trash can, nail files and newspaper.

11:00-1:00 -- Leave Granny's. Give child cup of milk, change eighth diaper and lay down for a nap. Clean up leaked milk. Check email. Exercise. Shower in record time. Blog.

1:00-2:45 -- Feed child Goldfish, mac and cheese, fish sticks and peanut butter. Keep child out of dumb bells, socks, dirty laundry, make up, toothpaste, sidewalk chalk, scooters, Cheetos found on the floor, mixer, checkers, recycling bin, crayons and purse.

2:45-3:15 -- Pick up older kids. Go to park. Keep child from killing himself on the teeter totter. Keep older children from killing him with "How high can he go?" experiment.

3:15-5:30 -- Return home. Mediate fights between children over who stinks. Try to entice child with rubber duck to keep him from in front of the t.v., which makes one or more children scream. Welcome home husband with a "Your turn, I gotta pee." Attempt to pick up living room. Find missing yogurt container behind t.v. Change 112th diaper. Clothe child in original outfit, which was disregarded after 58th diaper.

5:38 -- Return child to mother. Talk for a bit. Give gift of cabinet locks.

5:52 -- Glare at husband when asked, "So honey, what's for dinner?"

For better or for WORSE, for better or for WORSE.....

CAUTION: Lots of Vaginal Talk

NOTE TO DAD: DON'T READ ANY FURTHER.
TRUST ME!!
--------------------------------------------
We're mostly women, right?
I hope so.
So we all know the joys and sorrows of owning a vagina, right?
I hope so too.
And we all know that occasionally things get all mixed up and hell ensues, right?
I dearly hope so, because if not, you're readin' the WRONG BLOG.
Anyway.
So a few weeks ago all hell was ensuing and I logged onto Google and searched the connection between yogurt and balancing out the right bacterias in the, uh, lady's room.
I found out that many women had cured their lady rooms by inserting unflavored yogurt twice a day for like five days.
And I thought, I'm not babysitting this week, so what the heck.
But, these women did not report on how they achieved the inserting of the yogurt in the appropriate location.
(NOTE: Don't Google "insert yogurt in vagina" because you get all sorts of creepy stuff.)
So, I trotted down to the store and bought tampons and unflavored Greek yogurt, because it supposedly had a lot more "good" bacteria than Yoplait.
Then I went home.
After ruining eight tampon applicators I hadn't gotten anywhere. It just wouldn't stay in the applicator.
So I wait until my darling children are in bed and I approach James with a bowl of room temperature yogurt, a spoon and a smile.

"I need you to do something for me."
"Um...."
"I need you to take this yogurt and place it gently into my lady room."
"I... I don't know if...."
"Don't ask questions. I Googled it. It's totally legit."
"Okay."
He's such a good sport.
So I'm lying there and James is eyeballing the lady room and he says,
"How do I get it in there?"
"I dunno. I thought maybe you could think of something."
...........
"I'm drawing a blank."
"I guess just kinda spoon it in there, like feeding a baby or something."
..............
"Okay."

I'll spare you the gory details (ha ha ha) but after much laughing and some hand sanitizer, I was good to go.
So I lay on a towel in bed and we settled in.
Now, as any of you ladies know, liquid to semi-liquid substances eventually escape the lady room.
After about an hour, you can draw your own conclusions. Then I'm ready for bed so I roll over and James curls up behind me.

We have a nightly routine. We say our good nights, kiss, then roll over or cuddle for a minute.
Then we fart and go to sleep.
I dunno, it's like clockwork or something.
So, in my routine, I fart. Quite impressively, if I do say so myself.
And in the dark James says,
"Did you just..... FART YOGURT on me??"
"Yeah, it got on me too."
(Silence)
"So, are you turning on the light or am I?"
"I guess you'd better do it. I'm kinda... stunned."

So the next day we both agreed I would just bite the bullet and go to the clinic and get that nasty gel gunk to get this hellishness over with. So I did. And we lived happily ever after.
The end.

Lessons From Babysitting

• HOLY CRAP. HIDE EVERYTHING.
• Little fingers make HUGE messes.
  
• Little bottoms make HUGE messes.
• Little people produce MASSIVE amounts of mucus.
• Sweet grin = nasty diaper.
• "But MOM!! It keeps FOLLOWING ME!!"
• Granny's house is a suitable refuge from chaos.
• Don't bother cleaning house. REALLY.
• Close all doors.
  
• Carrying them is easier than walking over them and hearing them cry.
• Get a simple car seat. Practice daily.
• Consider buying cases of air freshener.
• Don't say "Throw the ball!" unprepared.
• Crunch, crunch go the Goldfish.
• Nap time? HA!!!