House Of Poo 2

INSTRUCTIONS FOR CLEANING UP EXCESSIVE FECAL MATTER FROM YOUR VIRUS-RIDDEN SPAWN

1. Carry spawn to bathroom and commence vomiting into toilet from foul smell and liquidity of mess.
2. Strip spawn, turn shower head to jet and hose spawn off, gagging.
3. Sidestep fecal mess to retrieve clean clothes for spawn.
4. Return to bathroom, turn shower head to "paint stripping blast" and annihilate the very bacteria from spawn's soiled clothing and bathtub.
5. Gather the following: 160 baby wipes, 2 cans of Lysol, carpet stain remover, old dishrag, warm water, 3 plastic bags and air freshener. Rubber gloves a plus.
6. Gag some more while using the previously listed items to remove and sanitize all eight fecal spots on the white carpet.
7. Decide that you've lived here more than a year and you won't get your deposit back anyway, cease trying to get stains out of carpet.
8. Tie up bags and dispose of waste. Gag.
9. Lysol everything that may have entered your peripheral vision since the explosion occurred. SATURATE WELL.
10. Place can of Lysol in a safe place and wash hands and forearms in scalding water with bleach and antibacterial soap (even if you used gloves, because you never know).
11. Using second can of Lysol, disinfect first can.
12. Spray generous amount of air freshener and put away cleaning products.
13. Call husband and inform him that his shift starts 5 minutes before he gets home tonight.

Guess That Sound!

Quiz: What goes
WWAAARRRRLOOOOOPPP RRRUUUUUPPPPP
PLOP SPLASH
????????
Give up?
The sound of my son's stomach rumbling and the subsequent release of fecal matter onto the white carpet.
Note to self: when battling a recurrent stomach bug, DO NOT dress he-child in boxer briefs. They don't hold up well.

Those Genes Look Good On You! 4

In relation to the last post on this page, I love listening to Caleb play his computer games!!
I'm gonna get you!!
Come back here, you panty-head butt booper!!
Get back here!
What the...
Oh gosh!
You butt face poopy head!!
I'm gonna shoot you! BAM BAM BAM!!
Oh, don't get me!!
NNNNOOOOOO!!!!
I losted.

Someone Give This Woman A Raise!!

Man I hate when people make a psychiatric screw up.
I recently filled my prescription for my Wellbutrin XL at Walgreens and they gave me the generic, which I thought would be OK since generics are basically the same as name brand, right? WRONG. All of a sudden I was catapulted into the I-want-to-cry-after-I-eat-your-arm-for-pissing-me-off zone, and I wasn't comfortable at all. Neither was my husband. I think he was scared, actually. So then I had to call my doctor to get him to fax a request that my meds be dispensed AS WRITTEN instead of SCREW IT UP IF YOU CAN MANAGE.
"Dr. Boo Bop's office, can I help you?"
"Maybe. I dunno."
"Do you need to make an appointment?"
"No, I recently came in and had Boo Bop renew my prescription for my medicines and Walgreens gave me the generic and I need him to fix it NOW."
"Can I have your name please?"
--blah blah--
"OK... can you describe your symptoms for me?"
--The Exorcist voice--
"They call me Legion, for we are many..."
"Oh, well let me just give this note to Boo Bop and we'll have you fixed right up in a jiffy OK?"
"That will be acceptable. Thank you."
I want to commend this woman because she got him to call very quickly (the same day, which is unheard of in doctor-ville), but my stupid insurance company pulled the "you just filled an identical prescription 10 days ago" crap and no amount of green vomit or head turning could get me a refill for 8 business days. Grrr.

House Of Poo

The two households which are the B's and the E's have been passing the stomach bug back and forth for a week now. Seriously, every time we go over there at least two kids get sick, and when they come over... wait, they never come over! But that's OK, I know it's easier to get two kids into a vehicle instead of four. Caleb was the most recent victim and I thought I was going to die of suffocation. I could SEE his stench, people. But the way he waddled over to me to change his pull-up was kind of funny, and his yelling "Mom, when will I stop poopin'!!" was hilarious.
Caleb is getting to the stage where he's saying really cute stuff and performing silly antics and such. Yesterday he proudly proclaimed that "I AM A WEENIE!!"

Pregnant She-male

On MSN yesterday I saw an article about a man claiming he is five months pregnant with his and his wife's baby. I had to click on it, y'all. Turns out, "he" was actually born a she and transgendered into a male. Grew body hair, removed the breasts, etc. but still kept his female parts. Thus, with the help of a sperm donor and some in-vitro, "he" is pregnant. Now I don't know about you, but that pisses me off.
WOMEN are supposed to have babies. It is a FEMALE thing. How can you masquerade as a man and be pregnant? Do you want to be a man or a woman? It flies in the face of God's design for us. I'm pretty sure He's shaking His head as this progresses. They go on to explain that they will raise their daughter as mother and father. How are they going to explain that when she grows up? Good grief.

The He-Child Poops!!!

I can hardly believe it!!
Caleb has been pooping in the toilet for TWO DAYS NOW!!
Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP?!!!
I don't know how to explain it other than yesterday morning something (almost audibly) clicked. He loves to proudly exclaim "I'm such a big boy now!" as he's bent over and I'm wiping his butt. I think Mimi's reading-while-he-sits-on-the-potty idea helped.
On the down side, he no longer wears underwear.
He says it helps him go poop better.
Hey, whatever works right?

Buy Now, Pay (big time) Later

I have heard many radio commercials advertising discount Lasik procedures. WHAT?!! If someone is going to be hacking on my eyeball with a laser it sure won't be a two-bit college drop out who needs a quick $500. That's just stupid! Like people who go out of the country for cheap dental/cosmetic work and get all screwed up. HELLO?!! What did you expect? I paid $4400 for my Lasik, and I would pay it again, because he was a REAL doctor with a REAL degree.
Some people may be asking, What if these doctors are real and just want to help the underpaid people who have horrible vision?
Well for starters, the most advanced equipment costs a cool $2 million, and if you're doling out Lasik procedures for $500, how in the heck are you paying for the equipment? Second, cheap procedures aren't going to help pay off that medical school these docs supposedly went to. Third and finally, I believe that medically you get what you pay for. I for one don't want to come out of anesthesia with burned eye balls, blasted teeth and crooked nipples.

Up, Up and Away!!

Caleb has entered the questioning stage. I am daily bombarded with thousands of questions about everything, everyone, and anyhow. Many of his questions are asked while he is watching a movie.
"Mom, what are toymites (termites)?"
"TER-mites. They are little bugs that eat wood."
"Why do toymites eat wood?"
"Caleb, it's TER-mites."
"But Popeye says toymites."
"Yeah, but it's really TER-mites."
"Why does Popeye have toymites?"
"I don't know. Sometimes they just come around."
"And they eat your house?"
"No, not the whole house. This is just a cartoon."
"Mom, how come toymites can't eat Popeye's house now?"
"He rebuilt it out of steel."
"Mom, what is steel?"
"It's a very hard metal."
"Mom, toymites might eat steel tomorrow."

I find it so cool to tell my kids about new things. One morning it was about the solar system. Lily wanted to know why it was morning but we could still see the moon, and I explained to her about Earth and how it rotates around the sun, etc. Then I went on to explain that there were many planets, but only one with humans on it.
"Mom, can we go to the planets?" Lily asks.
"Well, people have been to the moon but that's it."
"Why are they not going to the other ones?"
"They're really far away."
"We better get a fast rocket ship!" Caleb quips.
"Even the fastest rocket would still take a long time to reach other planets. Imagine if you got on one today and it traveled as fast as it could go, you still wouldn't get to the farthest planet until you were almost 100 years old!"
--a collective WOW--
"But mom, I just want to be six when I get there!"

On a side note, Great Expectations did not live up to my expectations. I was interested in it; I just didn't want to put in the effort to try and decipher the old worldly text. I think I'll stick with good old John Steinbeck.

Weight Hate

I hate scales.
I really do.
One says 235, another says 229, and still another says 239.
What the heck?
What kills me is I step on Melissa's and it says 229 like it should. Then I get off and step back on and it says 235. Then I try again and it says 234. Every time!!
I think maybe I need to focus on getting taller instead. They say yoga stretches your spine and can add an inch to your height.
Yeah right.

Jammin'

I was on my way home tonight and a cool song came on the radio. I really liked it and I was jamming out when I realized I was car-dancing to Michael Jackson's "Beat It."
Oh well.

For Your Reading Pleasure

I found some of my old poems today. Talk about morbid! They all talk about dying and crap. Good grief. Let us all take a moment to thank the Lord for pharmaceuticals and those who dole them out. I've begun a new phase in my reading. I've gone from Stephen King to the classics. Today I came home from the library with Tolstoy, Steinbeck, Dickens, Dickinson, Dumas and Twain. What was I thinking? I started War and Peace thinking that since it has been hailed as "the best novel ever written" it must be good, even at 1300 pages. Right? WRONG.
I couldn't even get through the first fifty pages. I'm not a stupid person but these sentences were so complicated, using words in an order I have never seen before, that I felt utterly retarded! Bah humbug! So now I am working on Great Expectations, which looks promising. I'll let you know.
The children are at Nana's for Spring Break. Now I have no company except the nine books I brought home from the library today. I am so very bored.
So bored.
Bored.
Bored.
Bored.
People, I was so bored I was farting and laughing at myself.
Lily called me today and said she was losing a tooth, "FINALLY. NOW I can be like JOSH and ALEXIS, they don't have any TEETH." Uh, okay. Then Nana told me she didn't have a loose tooth, but that it looked like she was trying to get a molar on the right side of her mouth. Poor kid, always disappointed.
It rained all day today so I opened my window and listened to it while I wrote. I have always wanted to write a complete book but I never have. Just to give you a taste...
'She shook with fear and said "I hate you!" to which he replied, "I never asked you to love me."'
Spooky stuff huh?
I've been contemplating whether I should introduce some preschool stuff to Caleb or not, since he may be going this fall. I got online (love the Internet) and printed off a page where you had to draw a line from the letter to the picture that started with said letter. We sit.
"Caleb, what is this?"
"A crab!"
"Right! What does crab start with?"
--blank stare--
"Does it start with a cuh like a C, an err like an R, a buh like a B, or a fuh like an F?"
"B!"
"What does crab START with?"
--blank stare again--
"Does it start with cuh, err, buh or fuh?"
"Buh!"
"No, what does it START with? It ENDS with buh, but what does it START with?"
"Uh... B!"
Okay. So much for preparatory work (look at my big words!).

10 Down, 70 To Go

I am now weighing in at 229.6!!!
Go me!!!!

For The Love Of Scrapping

I've started scrap booking. Thanks Melissa. Its a very fun hobby and I enjoy making layouts, finding pictures, buying scissors, buying paper, buying punch out letters, buying special glue sticks... ok maybe my new hobby is spending money....
What I do not like is copying the pictures to put into the scrap book. Nine times out of ten they either don't scan right or don't print right. Wal-mart does have a pretty good Kodak kiosk that copies and prints pretty well.
I went there yesterday and stuck my memory stick into the machine. As I scrolled through the pictures, I came across some that were.... uh... not of my face. Or James'. I swear I actually heard the two little old ladies behind me gasp as I yanked out the stick and pounded on "Print Order" as fast as I could. Needless to say, I didn't get all the pictures printed that I had intended. I am SO glad Lily wasn't there. Oh. My. Gosh. She has this talent of making a horribly embarrassing situation WORSE.
Anyway, I mosey over to Melissa's town and I still had eight pictures to scan and print. So I gathered my courage, stuck Lily and Caleb in a buggy and headed to the Kodak picture maker. One of them was out of order. The other was being occupied by a woman who was talking very loudly on her cell phone. She stuck in her memory card, scrolled through a couple of pages of pictures, hit "Select All" and proceeded to print 233 4X6 pictures. Apparently she thought "Select All" meant select all the pictures on the screen at the time. No joke people. The kids were being entertained with a bag of doughnuts so I figured what the heck, I really needed these copies to scrap. So we waited. Here are just some snippets of conversation I had the pleasure of hearing while I waited for 45 minutes:

"Yeah, my baby daddy he be trippin' cause I tole him I hope his truck burn up in a motha *** fire or su'in cause he thank its mo' 'portant than his keed!"
"Girl, I hope they's enough paper fo yo pitchers!"
"Yeeh, dat my baby gurl right thurr, she all cute in hurr pink hoodie look like her daddy and all!"
"*** I di'nt know it be printin' like 200 of the sum***ches!!"
"Carl! CARL! This be makin' all my pitchers and stuff an not makin them into a CD!"
"Girl I think I gon run outta paper, I di'n know it be printin' all these, I'm soory!"

Yes, as it spit out print after print she made two picture Cd's of everything on her memory card. I don't even know why I waited. I guess because I love scrap booking so much and I thought on maybe the tiniest offhand chance I may get eight more to print when she was done, and the kids were being really good. Sure enough, it ran out of paper. Then she starts complaining because it didn't print out all 233 pictures, but only 189. Then there was this, my favorite part:

"CARL!! It done run out the paper, and I ain't get 'em all! You got more paper back in 'ere?"
--No--
"Kin you get sum dat paper outta that machin' right thurr? It be the same right?"
--No--
"D***. Well I guess I coulda ax Carl to cancel the *** pitchers 'cause I ain't be gettin' all my pitchers today an'way!!"

WAIT. The thought of cancelling the whole order crossed your mind?? Why didn't you cancel it?? Why am I still standing here?? THEN Carl kindly points me to a machine around the corner that will scan my pictures and print them out in 30 minutes. Gee, thanks Carl. So I scan my eight pictures while Miss Thang over there goes on and on about not getting all her pictures and then starts making remarks about the price of 2 picture Cd's and 189 prints. Hint: it was upwards of $50. No joke. The kids and I walk around the toy isle for 30 minutes and then pick up the pictures and guess what?
They look like CRAP.
By then I am thoroughly pissed at Wal-mart and the human population in general, so I storm out of there, go to Melissa's and scan my pictures.
They printed beautifully, and we had a spectacular time scrapping.
Until the kids woke up and poured three bottles of cleaning detergents onto the bedroom floor. Lily swears she was coerced into it, but I have a feeling she didn't put up much of a fight.

That Holy (?) Feeling 8

I don't know where how to classify this event, so I'll just go with Holy Feeling.
The paranormal is a pretty interesting subject. Psychics, telekinesis, telepathy, television; you know what I mean. I think some people have a God-given gift but most are just crap.
I've had a couple of... odd things happen to me throughout my life. Feeling watched, dreams about places that I see months or even years later, deja vu type stuff. Looking in to this kind of stuff really makes you wonder just how complex our brains are and how much about it that we don't know. Praise the Lord that He still has the blueprint, because I know no human could ever reproduce it. It's really insane.
Anyway, I was driving to pick up Lily one of the past 10 or so days ago. As I approached the stop sign a young kid in a white hoodie ran across the street to the corner. Not enough for me to slam on the brakes but you know. Then a vision flashed in my head of me actually hitting this kid. I mean slam thump thud hitting him. It didn't last long. I pulled to the stop sign and stopped and looked to my left, because I was turning right. No one was coming. Normally I don't look to my right because I'm not turning left and therefore do not need to know if anyone is coming from that direction (sorry Mom). So I turn...
and miss that stupid kid in the white hoodie by INCHES. Apparently he'd decided to cross the street a few seconds before I turned. Now tell me that isn't weird!!

The He-Child Sings And Other Things

I've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss lately. Can you tell?
That song by Marky Mark, "Good Vibrations," came on the radio and Caleb was in the back seat saying "Uhhh.... yeah.... uhhhh......uh huh... Mom, this is my favorite song!!"

Lily got glasses two weeks ago. They cost $375 because they had to have a prism and bifocal lenses (thanks, Z, for that contribution). She looks so cute!

Lily type:
1 is the best number uv oll.

Scope Poke

James recently had a scope done by his gastrologist to determine if he had any ulcers, green mold etc. in his stomach. I escorted him to the hospital to drive him home after the procedure. When he finally had the thing done (they didn't have him scheduled for that day, or any other day for that matter; the usual 2 hour waiting room wait time and another hour "behind the curtain"), I was looking forward to getting out of there because I was hungry and grumpy and stuff. But no. We had to wait another 30 minutes to make sure "he handles the anesthetic alright." He didn't die when you put him under, he's fine now! So I endured 30 minutes of my husband coming off of his high.


"Whoa!! That was amazing!! They like wheeled me in there, put this thing on my face, and I was like asleep! Just like that! It was like the best short nap EVER. What was that stuff? Can you like buy it? I bet I would sleep a lot better at night. Hey, probably you would too! That was so cool, I was like OUT LIKE A LIGHT and then BAM I was in here. I gotta call Justin and let him know everything went well. We put up some of those lights in that house on the lake. See how they are recessed like that? That was so awesome. BAM!! OUT!! Is that the pictures of my stomach? Wow! It looks kinda cool! What are those bumps, do you think they're normal? I didn't even feel that scope thing, I mean I saw it but I went to sleep so fast and wow, it was over quick! Hey you should keep these pictures and scrapbook them! Wouldn't that be cool? No? Are you sure? Man, I'm hungry. Can we leave now? Wendy's sounds sooo good right now. One of those bacon double cheeseburgers, maybe like TWO I'm so hungry!! Oh hey nurse! Yeah, doing good just kind of hungry. Did you see my pictures? Gross huh? Yeah I wanted to get this done because I might be deployed here pretty soon and my parents were all worried that I would get over there and have something like MAJORLY wrong, so I thought I'd get it checked out, you know, calm the parents down. Can we take these pictures? Are you sure? Cool, thanks!"


Then I had to take his high self to Wendy's. It was fun. Then I went to Melissa's and left him at home to come off his high alone, because when you're the only sober one it sure isn't fun.

The He-Child Fibs

Lately we have been struggling with Caleb fibbing. Small things, I know, but eventually they will grow into larger things. We're just trying to get it under control now while we still can.

Papa: "Whoa boy, it stinks in this bathroom!"
Caleb: "Mimi did it."
Mimi: "I did not!!"

Me: "Caleb, did you draw on the counter?"
Caleb: "Uh, nope."
"Are you sure?"
"Uh, yeah?"
"Come here and look at it."
--trudges over--
"See, that looks like scribbles. Lily usually draws names, hearts and caricatures of her family members. This looks like something you would do."
--smiles, looking up at me--
"So... did you draw on the counter?"
"Uh, nope!"
"Who do you think did?"
"Uh, Lily!"
"Lily isn't here. It's just you and me, and i don't draw on counters."
--smiles--
"So I think you need to go get a washcloth and clean this off."
"Uh, okay!"

Weight Loss Motivation

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago because I haven't been sleeping well. Actually, I hadn't been sleeping at all. She ran all these tests that required quarts of blood and my liver enzymes came back elevated. On I went to the imaging center to have a sonogram done. They got the results back today and guess what? I have a fatty liver. The doctor said to diet and exercise and come back in three weeks for follow-up blood work. But the best part was when she said that in three months if my levels weren't normal she would be lowering or eliminating my antidepressants ("You know, because regular exercise produces endorphins and maybe you won't even need those medicines!"). I looked at her point blank and said "No you won't." Flabbergasted, she said "Uh, what?" I told her we wouldn't be messing with my antidepressants because I've tried it and it DID NOT WORK. She said we will see in three months.

I don't think she really understood how close she came to being beheaded with the sheer force of my brain waves. You don't mess with a crazy person's medications, especially if you're an R.N., C.N.P. If anyone is going to play Russian Roulette with my head, it's going to be a doctor with as many psychological letters behind his name as scholarly possible.

But if she insists, I could always do what my mom suggested: move in with her until my fatty liver is gone and I can restart my antidepressants.

On a lighter note (pardon the pun), I've lost 5 pounds!! WOO HOOO!!!!!

Lily's First Paragraph

"Mom liks wrc. Dad liks wrc to. I lik et and Mom dusnt plas (play) weth us. But Dad plas weth us." Yes, I do!!

Have you ever had writer's block? If you want to know what it feels like, pick a wall in your house, back up 3 feet and run into it repeatedly. There you go.

James got a laptop and I'm feeling, uh, left out of the fun.

A bass guitar: $169.00

PlayStation 2: $130

Guitar Hero 2: $80

Acer laptop: $710

A low maintenance wife: priceless