Meet My Daughter, Chloe

Lily has renamed herself Chloe after the skanky Bratz doll on t.v. Gag. She has put up signs that proclaim "My name is Chloe not Lily don't call me Lily anymore." So now her uncle calls her Chloe-not-Lily and gets her really mad and it's so funny. But I still get to call her Lily because I named her originally. I'm the only one though.

Nickelodeon has this promotion they do during election time called Kids Pick The President, apparently preparing them for their Constitutional duties ten or so years from now. Lily went online and voted for Sarah Palin "because she is the only girl and she's pretty." Hopefully not everyone will vote like she does.

GO OUT AND VOTE!!!!

NOVEMBER 3!!!

No Thanks, I've Had My Fill 3

I don't have many pet peeves. Just a couple. One of them is hard to explain. I cannot tolerate hearing someone rub their feet on the carpet (Zac still loves to irritate me with this one) or rubbing a pillow when I am laying on it. I also CANNOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, handle a dentist taking a gauze and rubbing my tooth with it for 15 SOLID SECONDS. I can't. It's the sound and the rubbing... eerrrrkkk. I literally couldn't keep my foot from banging on the chair. Seriously. Then when he was done I instinctively cringed and shut my mouth, and he had to do it all over again (he was trying to dry the tooth of all saliva before putting on the crown). I almost cried, y'all. What happened to that spit-sucker thingy? Wouldn't that work?

Yesterday I received my second crowned tooth and that will be my last dentist visit. Forever. I swear. If they're gonna be doing that crap I'd rather knock my own abscessed teeth out with a rusty ice skate, a la Tom Hanks in Castaway. I think I could pull it off.

That Holy Feeling 11 (Faith = Blessings)

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while.

Sorry about that.

If you haven't been keeping up, James and his good friend Paul have been in Georgia for pre-Iraq training since June. Recently we learned that they were going to get four days of R&R at the beginning of November. So my good friend Melissa, who is married to the good friend Paul, and I made plans to drive over and hang out with them during that time. Hang out. Ha ha.

--insert back story here--

Paul is the most unlucky person I know. One day there will be a massive alien attack on Mount Kilimanjaro with seven mountaineers all wearing orange and I can GUARANTEE that Paul will be one of them. He has been in the National Guard for four or five years now, and it has recently been determined that due to a massive error on his recruiter's part, his WHOLE CONTRACT has been invalid. For. Five. Years.

Basically, he went on deployments to Egypt and Iraq on his own volition. He could have said "You know what? I'm gonna blow this Popsicle stand!" and gone home. The. Whole. Time.

HOW IN THE WORLD DOES THIS HAPPEN??

WHAT KIND OF IDIOTS DO THEY HAVE RECRUITING??

--back to original story--

After five years the Army people, or whoever is in charge of screwed up contracts, decide to offer him a chance to get out or get out and enlist active duty Army... two weeks before our planned trip. So if he got released before the trip, I would be flying to Georgia... by myself.

Changing planes three times... by myself.

Renting a car... by myself.

Finding the base.... by myself.

Having an emotional breakdown... by myself.

Of course James leaves the decision to come or not entirely up to me (thanks babe). So I consult Mom, and she tells me in a nutshell that this must be a test from God and that if I show complete faith in God and His willingness to bless us if we ask for it, He will indeed bless.

I am pleased to announce that as of today, Paul will not be leaving Georgia until after the first week of November!! Woo hoo!!

Praise the Lord!!!

Analysis Of A Debate... I Lost Count

1:51 p.m.

Completely started paper over. Pretty sure I wasn't doing it right.

1:52 p.m.

Lots of copying and pasting from previous version of paper.

3:55 p.m.

FINALLY FINISHED.

Length: 6 pages

Words: 2,978

Analyzing A Debate 3

Analyzing debates SUUUUCKS.

2,23o words.

27 more pages of debate to analyze.

Would rather be eating Triple Chunky Hot Fudge Peanut Butter Reese's Cups Swirl with Whip Cream In Your Wildest Dreams ice cream.

Analysis Of A Debate 2

1900 words. Woo hoo!!!

Next big project:

25 slide Power Point presentation about business globalization.

Uuuggghhh.

Why am I doing this again?

Oh yeah.

"Personal enrichment."

The Teenage Years... We Have Arrived!!

"Mom I called my friend Drew, and he's gonna call me back."

"Uh, what?"

--sigh--

"I CALLED my friend DREW and his mom said he would call me BACK."

"How is he going to do that if he doesn't know your phone number?"

"Oh, I gave it to his mom and she wrote it down."

Grrrr.

"Did you now?"

"Yes."

"And which phone number would that be?"

"YOUR phone number!"

--meaning my cell phone--

Grrrr.

For the next three hours I played secretary to my six year old.

"Did he call back yet?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"NO!!"

Drew did call back. they had an interesting conversation about calling people and giving out phone numbers, which "My mom said I can't tell anyone. But you already have it, so that's okay."

No Thanks, I've Had My Fill 2

I had to go back to the dentist to get my fake crown put on while waiting for my real crown.
I wish I was talking about a tiara.
But I'm not.
I drive to the dentist's office at eight in the morning, so I'm already a little off whack. I get to the office, sit down, and after about ten minutes I get this message from my lower intestines:
EVACUATION COUNTDOWN
10...9...8...
What??
I try to ride it out, but then I get the signs that I need to go NOW.
You know, the cold flashes and goosebumps.
That grab-the-handicap-rail-this-is-gonna-be-fun need to go.
By the time I'm called to the back, I've gone to the bathroom twice, and people in the waiting room are looking at me funny. I don't care. I sit in the dentist's chair (the chair of torture) and take an x-ray and I think it's going to be okay.
But it wasn't.
Back to the bathroom I go, hi ho, hi ho.
When I walk back into the room the hygienist cheerfully asks "Is everything okay?"
I wonder how long it took for her to retrieve that plastic cup from her tonsils.
Apparently not long because in a matter of minutes she has it in my mouth along with the dentist's two instruments and a "cheek pad" that doesn't really pad anything. Then they had the nerve to comment "You sure do have a small mouth. You should consider getting your wisdom teeth removed."
No, YOU should consider removing seven of your fingers. That would be an immense help.
Luckily I made it through the 1.5 hour ordeal with no accidents or interruptions. THAT didn't happen until I got into the car to drive the 30 miles home.
I kid, I kid!
Sorry, no accidents for my lovely, sick minded blog readers.
But I was praying for mercy the whole way home, and made a beeline to the bathroom as soon as I hit the front door.
Maybe I was just nervous.
Maybe I just needed a good blog subject.
Nevertheless, I return to the dentist in two weeks to get my porcelain crown.
(I asked for gold, but my insurance refused to cover it. Bummer.)

Analysis of a Debate

1:32 p.m.
I am currently procrastinating.
I have a three thousand word analysis of a debate due on October 5th.
I have about 200 words so far.
Um...
So...
How is your day going?
2:48 p.m.

Call Mom. Ask how to do analysis of a debate. Get a couple of ideas.
Word count up to 388.
4:17 p.m.
I'm dying.
"Throw me a freakin' BONE here!"
6:13 p.m.
Woo hoo!! Word count up to 1,377!!

That Holy Feeling 10 (Sleep Better, Live Better)

God and I have been going around and around with several issues, namely my insomnia. I guess I stepped when He pulled or something, because I've started taking my sleep meds and spending more time in the Word and voila! I have been sleeping great! In doing so, I have learned:

• Children can be enjoyable.
• It is possible to get up at 7:00 a.m. every day for a whole week.
• I don't really need that donut/cake/cereal/muffin/ice cream.
• Pilates can be fun.
• It is possible to do Pilates every day for a whole week.
• You aren't as irritable when you sleep well.
• It is possible to do your school work every day for a whole week.
• Teenage boys can mistake you for a college student at the ice cream store (ok, I needed THAT ice cream).

Hallelujah!

No Thanks, I've Had My Fill

Last week I went to the dentist to get two cavities filled. I hate the dentist. Aren't they supposed to wait for the numbing gel to take affect before shoving a 12 gauge needle into your gums? I guess not. I also think that God should have put zippers on our cheeks so that the dentist and his assistant could get all four hands in there comfortably. Seriously. I think they had seven instruments in there at one time, telling me to "Move your jaw sideways so we can work here." How about you just pop the joint out and relieve both of our suffering? I guess both cavities were pretty bad because he gave up trying to fill them and said, "I think you should consider getting crowns put on these." I said go for it, he said pay me $600. I sighed.

I also took the kids to the dentist for the first time. Let me tell you, two colors that the hygienist should NOT be finding in one's mouth is yellow and black. Eewww. On the plus side, Caleb did really well, almost falling asleep while his teeth were being cleaned. They couldn't get bite wing X-rays because of his gag reflex, and when asked what flavor of toothpaste he wanted he answered, "All of them?" No cavities for either of them! We had a time trying to convince Lily that the dentist wasn't going to pull a surprise tooth-yank and that the X-ray machine wasn't going to fry her brain, but we finally got her calmed down. She had a lot of plaque, but we got that all cleared up. Woo hoo!!

The Next Winner Might (not) Be You! ! !

Don't you just love those sweepstakes? I do. I recently received a notice int he mail that some car company happens to have a 2009 Chevrolet Malibu Hybrid that they just can't get rid of, so they're going to give it away! And it could be all mine!! Upon reading the fine print, I see this:

"The winner will be informed by registered mail no later than February 17, 2009. In order to win the prize, the selected entrant MUST FIRST CORRECTLY ANSWER A TIME-LIMITED MATHEMATICAL SKILL-TESTING QUESTION TO BE ADMINISTERED BY TELEPHONE.

What?? How ridiculous! Not only to you have to beat out four billion other contestants, but then you have to answer a math question. From the phrase, "time-limited mathematical skill-testing" I suspect the question won't be along the 2+2 lines. Good grief!!

Abreast On Batman

I've had another one of those "how do these things happen to me?" episodes.

I was shaving my armpits in the shower, arm extended, hand on the wall, left hand shaving. When I was done I brought my razor down and across and...

nearly amputated my right nipple.

I kid you not.

So I stood there bleeding and bleeding and bleeding and wondering why I was still bleeding for a few minutes until I could survey the damage. Not deep, but long and perfectly curved around the, uh, nipple part?

Then I decide what the heck, might as well shave my legs; until I nicked my ankle. That was when I decided I'd better quit while I was ahead because shoot, I don't want to cut off anything IMPORTANT.

I get out of the shower and head to the kitchen where the Band-aids are, and all I can find are kid ones. Batman ones. Batman TATTOO ones. Awesome. Batman is now officially abreast.

In other news, check out my additions to the blog! I've added some new links to blogs I read; a couple are downright hilarious! Oh, and I have a follower! Woo hoo! Follow me people!! Also, down at the bottom I have a National Geographic picture of the day thingy and a place where you can subscribe to my blog. Enjoy!!

I Need To Post A New What?!

Sorry folks, with all of this raising kids, going to school, fighting for a good night's sleep, walking in faith and tending to my deployed husband I haven't had much time to blog.

The kids started school and Lily loves it, though she swears up and down that "I did NOT go to school ALL DAY in kindergarten. I came HOME." After a couple of shaky days Caleb has started to like pre-school and has recently told me that "Only the cool kids get to do the chicken dance." Um, OK.

My school started as well. I am taking Business Computers (each chapter is 60+ pages), English (easy), Government (fairly easy, except for the 1500+ word summary I am supposed to write on a debate over global warming...blah), and Psychology (very interesting!). I've always liked Psychology, but so far this course is too easy; I have a total of five assignments for the whole semester (so far). Ever try to explain to a six year old how the different parts of the brain are layered in a skull? "So... the green part goes on TOP of the blue part? I thought the pink part was there. Is it really green?"

Sleep is sleep, I don't get enough of it and I end up taking naps during the day. Last night was an exceptionally good night; hopefully tonight will be too.

I am currently working my way through The Beloved Disciple by Beth Moore. I highly recommend it. The book chronicles the life of John and the ways we can adopt his faith into our lives.

James is still in Texas, though he will be leaving for another state soon. Three months down, twelve more to go!!

Last but not least, I'm voting for Obama and you can't change my mind. Peace out.

Flute Flop

My brother-in-law bought both my kids play flutes.

"Mom!! Hey Mom!! Listen to this!!"

TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTT!!!

"Yeah."

"Mom! Hey Mom!! Listen to this one, it sounds like a girl screaming!!"

TWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTT!!!!

"It sure does."

"Mom! Hey Mom!! Where are you going?"

"To hide in the bathroom."

Guess what his kids' first birthday present is gonna be? A WHOLE FREAKING DRUM SET.

Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice

On Wednesday I had the privilege to babysit my cousins kids, Ana and Olivia. I didn't get to sit the baby because I don't have the active milk buckets that he requires. Oh well. Granny came over and we had a really great time. We braved Wal-Mart and "Old McDonald's" without too many close calls (Granny did come close to running into the laptop display when Ana and Lily started to argue over whose turn it was to drive her wheelchair). It was especially funny when Lily played the mom, Ana was the big sister and Olivia was "the crazy little sister." Apparently Olivia has this thing for breaking her leg, or both if she can manage. She tried to accomplish this both on the trampoline and on her tricycle, where she would make a couple of laps around the parked cars, stop and very obviously make herself fall over. Then she would sigh, get up and do it again.

"Olivia, what are you doing?"

--big sigh--

"I am TRYING to BREAK my LEGS."

"Why would you want to do that?"

--sigh--

"So they will have to CARRY me."

Um, okay. Someone's mommy needs to start a blog!!

Baby Whats?!

I watched a show recently called "Baby Borrowers." I didn't know if I should laugh or be angry. They select four young couples and give them different aged kids to pseudo-raise for a week while the real parents watch via camcorder across the street. Then they give them elderly adults to care for! I didn't get to see that part, but I wish I could have. NO ONE will have the elderly adult that my mom will be (sorry Ma!). But what I did see of the show kind of irked me because they didn't accurately portray living as young parents in the real world. For instance:

• The couples are given a cute three bedroom, two bath home in a green-grassed cul-de-sac that probably has little crime if any to play house in. C'mon, seriously? Try having them get their own apartment on minimum wage.
• Speaking of minimum wage, they provide them with a job that at least one of them has to work at for eight hours a day. One person working? Not outside of Kansas, Dorothy. Give them a Classifieds and the numbers to a few daycare centers. They'll both need to be working to raise their kid!
• Let them earn only $440 a week and figure out what to do when the bills start to pile up.
• They, like, fight, oh my gosh, about who has to go to work that day! Please!
• One young woman threw a fit because the producers made all the women wear maternity outfits that make them look and feel pregnant. She claimed she just "looked so ugly!" in it. Woo hoo, Dorothy. That's what happens when you get knocked up.
• One woman complained that the child they were given to "raise" cried too much. "He like, never stops crying! Oh my gosh!!" Good grief.
• Another woman didn't wipe the child when she changed his diaper, and another had to try and potty train another. "I swear, if he like poos in his underwear ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna, like, be mad!" Gosh, one more time? Try twice a day for four years.
• "Like, you're always gone working all day and I have to sit at home and do all this mother stuff, and I like get tired too!" This is hilarious!
• The couple only get to "raise" the child for one week, then it's off to the next age group. Um, isn't this supposed to be a reality show? Give them children in the same age group for a whole month. That will determine"if they're up for parenthood."
• I didn't get to see the elderly people care-taking, but I'm sure it went something like "Oh. My. Gosh. Granny just peed herself again! Like, if John doesn't come home soon I'm gonna, like, scream and be angry! Aaahhh!"

Grandfather's Stories

A weekend or so ago Zac and I went with the kids to visit my paternal grandfather and aunt. We had a lot of fun catching chickens, picking peaches and pears, eating homemade tomatoes and squash and listening to stories my grandfather told. I've always enjoyed his stories ever since I was little, from how he and his neighbor blew up a groundhog hole with dynamite to the parrot who would drink beer and cuss. I can guarantee not many people have stories like his! It's amazing what you can learn from your relatives just by listening to them. You learn to appreciate what you have and stop complaining about what you don't. What amazes me is my grandfather is in his 60's and rides his bike five miles a day! I also like the down-home cooking my relatives make: fresh vegetables from the garden, barbecue pork chops... yum yum! I think Caleb liked it a little too much because on the way home he puked all over Zac's back seat. If that isn't gag-inducing enough, he raked it out with his hand!! Yuck!!

The time spent with my grandfather got me to thinking... if he can ride a bike that far in hundred degree heat at his age, why am I groaning about walking one mile at my age? So I have made an effort to get myself in shape. I've actually gone from a size 18 to a 16! The Tae Bo I started a few weeks ago didn't work out because I started getting back pains again, so it's back to the old Pilates, yoga and lots of praying. I'll keep you updated!

What's Italian For Goodbye?

My brother Zac and his family are en-route to Italy right now. Lucky them. Everyone wish them a happy four years!!

Speaking of leaving, James called this last weekend and said that he could leave camp, so we all piled in the Suburban and headed to Austin. We got to spend a little bit of time with him; the "higher ups" kept changing the times around and it was really frustrating, but I'm really glad we went. Of course we had to do the whole goodbye thing again and that's never easy, but I can do it if it means sex for one night. I'll look back on this post in six months and say to myself, Hardy har har.

I have also enrolled for online college courses this semester, and got a Pell Grant to pay for everything including a new laptop! I'm taking Psychology 1, Government 1, BCIS 1 and English 1. I'm so excited I went and bought book covers and folders that are color coordinated for each subject.

I'm still editing my script and with college starting on the 25th you may not see many blogs, but I'll try! Meanwhile if you like my blog, tell your friends!!

The He-Child Discovers

Caleb and I are in the bathroom today; I am wiping, he is carefully observing the floor. Or so I thought.

"Mom? What are these things for?"

-- holding his scrotum --

"Uh, well, that's what makes you a man."

"Why?"

"Well, because girls don't have those."

-- still manhandling his manhood --

"What are these balls?"

"Uh, those are just part of you."

"Why do they feel like balls?"

"Because they're kind of like marbles."

"Are they green?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Ok."

Where is James when I need him? Oh yeah, in the sandbox.

On a similar note, the dog bit Caleb on the buttcheek a couple of days ago. The dog has since been neutered. I can just imagine what's going through his head:

"Bite butt, snip balls. Bite butt again, snip... aahhh!!"