Whenever-I-Remember-It Weigh-In 13

*Sigh*
I fell off the wagon.
But not too far.
I'm still hanging onto a spoke in one of the back wheels.
(Go with me here, people!)
The length of my plateau astounds me.
Not exercising or eating right doesn't help to shorten it, I'm sure.

Weigh In: 210

Lost: 19

To Go: 31

Painting My Room

Sometimes I come up with fairly craptastic ideas.
Like... painting my bedroom.
All brown.
With stripes.
*sigh*
I know.
So I gathered my supplies and began. It started out fairly well. The kids helped on the parts I was planning on painting over anyway, it surprisingly works up a sweat, and the wall looked half-way Martha Stewart-ish.
That half would up being the disheveled in-jail half.
Even James, being 3000 miles away, could see that the stripes weren't straight.

"Do you like it?"
"..... do you?"
"I like it. I think I did a pretty good j- why are you smiling?"
"I'm not."
"Yes you are!"
"I like it."
"No you don't! You're smiling! Liar!"
"No, I really like it!"
"You can't even stop smiling to make your lie seem feasible!"
*still smiling*
"I can just see what you mean when you said the stripes were hard to get straight."
"Whatever. I like it. When YOU get home YOU can fix them up to YOUR standards."
"No, they're fine!"
"Liar."
*still smiling*

So I redid all six lines with the help of my father-in-law and discovered that because the house has shifted, the room is not a perfect square. That means the lines will be slightly crooked because of the walls not being straight. But he did help me make them not so zig-zag looking.... Then I realized I would have to do the trim and door frames because James is an ex-Marine and certain things have to look right and BLAH BLAH BLAH. So I did that and realized that you cannot do so without a painter's best friend: BLUE. TAPE.
I've used the CRAP out of that stuff.
And now I'm over it. I don't want to finish.
I'm lagging.
But today I heaved a big sigh and drug out all the stuff and PAINTED A WHOLE WALL INCLUDING THE TRIM. Woo hoo!!
But I'm still debating on wether to put a second coat on the trim.
It IS behind the bed.
What Mr. Bounces-Quarters-Off-The-Bedsheets doesn't know won't hurt him.

The He-Child Understands

Recently the children have been asking questions about babies and how they are made, etc. I've told them the very basic things, nothing exotic (they've already found certain things they shouldn't have, you know).

About ten days ago my in-laws came home with a leopard gecko. Yeah. Can you feel my joy, people? The kids named it Yo-Yo, as in "Yo yo yo, what's up??" Yup, my kids are unique. She was really pretty and docile.
Until Caleb accidentally squeezed her too hard and certain insides that should remain on the inside wound up on the outside. Yeah. Yuck. We had her euthanized yesterday. But ANYWAY, back when she was alive (RIP) my in-laws took them to the pet store to buy some crickets. While they were there, they apparently asked how to sex a gecko. When they returned home, the following conversation ensued.

Caleb: "MOM. Yo-Yo is a GIRL."
Me: "Really?"
"Yeah. Cause the Peck Smark people showed us how to look and we looked and she's a GIRL."
"Really."
"But we're not going to have babies cause you need a BOY to have babies."
"REALLY."
"Yeah, and we DID NOT GET a BOY gecko."
"Why do you need a boy and a girl gecko to have babies?"
"Cause they are exactly like humans."
"Oh, so two boys can't have a baby?"
"Nope."
"And two girls can't have a baby?"
"Nope."
"So if a gurl human wanted a baby, what does she need?"
*thoughtful expression*
"A baby bottle."
"You are EXACTLY RIGHT!!"

Love. That. Imagination.

Weekly Weigh-In 12

I think I'll just move these to Monthly Weigh-Ins.

Weigh- In: 210

Lost: 19

To Go: 31

The He-Child Grows Up

I'm sad today.
My little boy turned five not long ago.
The joys of raising boys....
"MOM!! I stepped on the lizard's tail and LOOK!! It's still MOVING!!"
"SWEET MAMA!! Look at that lizard!"
"Mom, I'm hot and sweaty and hungry and I'm NOT having a good day!"
It seems like just yesterday I held him for the first time after he was born.
And now he's answering the phone.
*ring, ring*
-picks up phone-
"Who is it?"
-pause-
"What?"
---
"I can't hear you."
---
"I SAID I can't HEAR YOU."
---
"WHO ARE YOU?"
---
"My Papa? Or my Nana?"
---
*click*
"Caleb, who was on the phone?"
"I think it was a robot."

Gummy Bear Boobs

Okay, so since James and I have been married I have always lamented about my small boobs.
I like most of my body, don't get me wrong, and I LIKE my boobs, I just don't LOVE them.
I think they should go up a cup.
I also have been telling James that when I lose all the weight I want to lose, I would like to pursue breast enhancement. To which he replied with drooling.
Now that I have lost a third of what I want to lose, I Googled that subject.
As it turns out, bigger boob surgery probably will require an upgrade in as little as two years or as many as fifty years. There are also complications, blah blah blah, to having bigger boobs, like unwarranted male attention and winning wet T-shirt contests. Oh, and loss of sensitivity to the nipple area or mass infection requiring a double mastectomy. But only in back alley operations, I assume. I mean this is AMERICA people, we have, like, antibiotics and stuff.
Oh, and you can also pick your boob material. There is the tried and true saline, silicone, double lumen designs that combine the previous two, and ....
the gummy bear implant.
Oh yeah.
Apparently, they are "solid, high-cohesive, form-stable implants" that "largely eliminate the possibility of silicone migration."
WAIT.
If I don't get the procedure done correctly, they can MIGRATE??
Like, where will they go?
Armpit nipple, anyone?
So apparently these implants stay in place, are really life-like, and have a long shelf life.
(Shelf life. Ha ha ha.)
I wonder if they come in red.
James really likes the red ones.
Well, he likes all the flavors. All things gummy, in fact.
I would be the ULTIMATE WIFE if I had gummy bear boobs.
AWESOME.
I wonder if they have bread pudding lips and bean and cornbread butts.
On second thought... maybe not.

To Joe with those Bloody Fish Already!!!

I know. I know.
Enough with the fish stories.
But on one final note, all the goldfish died.
And Mr. Crabs 2.
But we found an ADORABLE black kitten outside and have adopted it.
I told you I do mammals better.
His name is Hal, short for Halloween Cat.
Anyway.
I'm taking Introduction to Sociology this month, and it's very likely that that's what I should be doing right now.
But I'm a dedicated blogger.
Oh, how I joke!
But it has turned out to be a very interesting topic.
More on that later.....

Movies

I would highly recommend that my audience go see UP and Monsters vs. Aliens.
UP is watch-worthy not only because it is hilarious, but for the geriatric fight scene.
MvsA is funny too. I like Seth Rogan.
For that matter, I suggest Knocked Up and Pineapple Express as well.
If you don't mind some crude humor and a little pot smoking.
Okay, a LOT of pot smoking.
Some other movies I really like:

Slumdog Millionaire
Bella
August Rush
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day
Iron Man
Wall-E
What Happens in Vegas
Atonement
The Devil Wears Prada
Mirrors

You're welcome for all the links. Whew!

Weekly Weigh-In 11

Well my my my!!
Stress DOES help one lose weight!
Or it could be the Arson I started taking again....

Weigh-In: 210

Lost: 19

To Go: 31

One Fish... Wait, NO Fish

The darned sucker fish died!!

So we went and bought ten goldfish, and they're acting the same way the others did 24 hours before they died!!!

Good grief!!

(If these die I'm moving to another species of animal. Maybe reptile or bird. I KNOW I can keep mammals alive.)

One Fish... and No More

Well, the fish only lasted for three days.
Two days ago the inexplicably began staying at the bottom of the tank.
Not swimming. Not eating.
Just sitting.
Yesterday I Googled "fish at bottom of tank not moving look sick" and read that they may have been overfed and now have a blockage in their swim bladder, which helps them rise to the surface. Which makes sense when remembering that I woke up to two DARLING children happily informing me that they had already fed the fish that morning. The common recommendation is a diet of peas (yeah, those kind) and a partial water change.
So that's what I did.
And they all died, except the sucker fish.
Now I thought the deaths would be taken hard by the kids, since they loved the fish so much.
But I'd forgotten how... resilient?... my children are.

"Mom! Two of the fish are floating at the top of the tank!"
"Oh honey, I'm sorry. I guess sometimes fish just don't...."
"Can I flush it down the toilet?"
"No I want to!"
"I asked first!!"
"MOOOOM!!!"
"There's two of them! You can each flush a fish!!"

Good grief.

The Life That is Mine

Cell phone with alarm built in: $29.99 on eBay

Dark roast coffee: $6.99

Laptop computer: $689.97

Summer college courses online: $1,112.82

Psyching yourself up for your first day of "summer school," waking up at an hour that should be illegal, and discovering the course starts on June 8th and not June 1st: PRICELESS

One Fish, Two Fish, Black Fish, No Blue Fish

I must have had one of those brain farts that lasted for a few days again.
We are now the proud owners of two black Moors, two goldfish, a sucker fish and a crab.
How do I get myself into these situations?
So we take them home and set up their aquarium, complete with a bajillion ceramic decorations and numerous plastic plants. (I think the fish are still in there, it's kinda hard to tell.)
Lily named her goldfish Roselle, Caleb names his Fishy Fish, the sucker fish becomes Sucky and the crab, Mr. Crabs. I'm still laughing.
I named my two Moors Friskies and Fancy Feast. I liked Alley Cat and Iams but I figured since they have a lot of energy (frisky) and are kinda fancy looking, those would do better. ("Wal-Mart Off-Brand" was kind of a mouthful.)
And I guess I jinxed them.
Upon arrival of the swimming delicacies, Phoebe takes immediate notice. She watches us as we put everything together and put them into the water. The most interesting to her is Mr. Crabs, because he tends to climb the filter tube to make feeble escape attempts. I could SEE her mind reeling.
So the fish were safe because Phoebe hates water, as most cats do.
Woe is the crab.
Being the responsible pet owner, I Googled the species we had purchased to better educate myself. It turns out fiddler crabs actually are saltwater creatures that need access to water as well as a "dry dock." Sigh.
We all went to bed, I having decided to transfer Mr. Crabs into another fishbowl to better his living conditions. But when I woke up this morning, I was informed that Mr. Crabs was missing.
Apparently, my father-in-law had decided to take the crab out, put him in a plastic bowl, and cover it with a dishtowel. ???
And this morning it was gone.
Needless to say, the kids were HORRIFIED.
I wasn't present upon their discovery (I was busy buying a replacement crab), but I heard the screams over the phone.
The new crab has been named Mr. Crabs 2.
Although I like Purina 2 better.
(Get it? Purina 1? Purina 2?)

Bowling with the B's

Or, "How My Four Year Old Completely Beats Me Every Time We Go Bowling."
I love the way my kids bowl.
It's hilarious.
Caleb makes a running start, stops suddenly, pulls the ball to one side and tosses it sideways, where it zig-zags down the lane and MAKES A STRIKE.
"I got them all down Mom! How come you never do?"
Grrr.
Lily's technique changes a little every time. Sometimes it zig-zags like Caleb, other times it rolls so slowly I wonder if it will ever make it to the pins... and still other times she bounces it off the bumpers and into the neighboring lane.
Graceful, just like her mother.

SCORES:

Aaron: 114

Kevin: uh... 70ish

Caleb: 97

Lily: 94

Me: *cough* 42 *cough, cough*

Yeah. I was actually enlisting the kids to help raise my score, to the amusement of my fellow bowlers. I think my game would improve awesomely if I could have bumpers like the kids do.
Grrr.

Quarter Century Years Old

So on the 22nd I turned 25. Woo wee! How did I celebrate?
I got lightly wasted with fabulous friends!!
And by "lightly," I mean "heavily toasted and buttered."
And by "fabulous," I mean "awesome friends who are a blast to stumble out of a bar with... especially when they catch you after tripping over a curb."

Favorite Quotes of the Evening:

"How can such a beautiful girl take such HORRIBLE pictures?"
-- Wheat
"People think that because I have a psychology major I want to sit around and analyze them. I'm like, screw you!!" -- Tasha
"You wouldn't look quite so charming without your front teeth, I don't suppose."
-- Aaron
"I read your blog!!" -- Mikel
"I hate relationships." -- Taryn
"So like, I'm not kicking you out of my house... but I'm gonna go to bed. Lock the door on your way out." -- someone whose name started with a "J"

Partying with classmates and new friends is something I need to do more often. Like, weekly. But for shiz, I'm getting a tad old for this.
Or my six years of being sober has significantly lowered my tolerance level.
One of the two.

P.S. I want some of those pictures Mikel!!

Weekly Weigh-In 10

I laugh as I type "weekly." So funny.

Weigh-In: 215

Lost: 14

To Go: 36

Deadline: 49 days.

Weekly Weigh-In 9

I will flip my top if by next wek I have not lost at least half a pound.
Stagnation sucks.

Weigh-In: 217

Lost: 12

To Go: 38

Happy Mother's Day!

A little early, but hey at least I didn't forget!
One thing I love about my kids being in school is the projects they make when a holiday rolls around. This Mother's Day I received zinnias, a handmade sunflower, a poem book, and two fill-in-the-blank worksheets about me. I like these, particularly because you never know what to expect. The capital letters are their fill-ins....

My Special Mother
by Lily

My mother is the most wonderful mom in the world! She's as pretty as A ANGEL and she's a AWESOME cook.
She loves to READ.
Her favorite animal is KITTEN and her favorite food is CHOCOLATE, and her favorite color is RAINBOW.
She likes to PLAY WITH ME when she has time and she is crazy about HUGE STUFF.
In the old days when Mom was little, she liked to PLAY.
I think Mom looks funny when she DOES FUNNY FACES.
I know she's really mad when she HAS TO MAKE ME FOOD.
I wish Mom would BE with me every day!
I wouldn't trade my mom for TWO MILLION DOLLARS.

Okay, WTH happened here?! I spend all day in their presence, playing with them even more now that I've upped my meds; I only get upset when she asks for a snack at ten p.m.; and I'm crazy about huge stuff?! What's worse is she wouldn't explain it!!

My Mom is Amazing
by Caleb

My mom is amazing!
When I'm sick she makes me feel better by GIVING ME MEDICINE, and when I am sad she cheers me up by TAKING ME SOMEWHERE.
My mom can be really funny. One time she really made me laugh when she TICKLED ME.
My mom is a SUPER cook. I like it when she makes me PIZZA and SPAGHETTI.
My mom does so many things. When I get home from school she usually JUMPS ON THE TRAMPOLINE WITH ME.
I like to help her CLEAN and PLANT THE GARDEN.
I love to watch my mom MOP THE FLOOR.
One day I hope she'll teach me how to DO A BACK FLIP ON THE TRAMPOLINE.
My mom is really special to me. I love her most because SHE READS BOOKS TO ME.
Happy Mother's Day!

SEE, I TOLD YOU. I jump on the trampoline, read them books, instigate tickle fights and apparently look funny when I mop. Tough luck on the whole back flip thing, though. Sorry kids! Elephants don't do flips.

Weekly Weigh-In 8

Exercise SUUUUUCKS.
The dieting I can actually live with.
Heavenly Father, please give me strength.

Weigh-In: 216

Lost: 13

To Go: 37

Not in the Entertainment Business for a Reason

I have come to the conclusion that I am not a very entertaining person... at least by two-year-old standards. Case in point: babysitting my nephew.
Now I like kids, especially my own and my nephews. I am always learning about them either through school or personal experience, of which PE is more fun, frustrating and messy. But with some kids (ok, just one so far), it takes a little work to master the whole "just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I'm an alien" thing.
Which is the PRECISE look he gives me sometimes:



A little disheartening, eh? But after a few days together I think I've kind of figured out how he "works," and it's because he's really smart. No, really. Our day kind of goes like this.....

"Hey Zayden! How are you?"
--stare--
"What have you been doing?"
-- I cannot believe this. --
"What have you been doing, Zayden?"
-- Are you serious? The baby voice? I'm not one, you know. --
"Do you want to go to the toy room?"
-ever so slight nod of the head--
"Okay."
--walk, walk--
"What do you want to play with?"
-- Leave me alone. --
"Are you still sleepy?"
--slight shake of the head--
"Okay. Do you want to see the new toy Lily got?"
-- NOT interested. --
--mutual staring--
"Okay."
-- Slacker. Think quicker. --
"Do you want to color?"
-- Finally, a novel idea. --
--color, color--
"Hey Zayden, do you know what this is? It's you're name!"
-- Oh. My. Gosh. DUH. --
"See, Z,A,Y,D,E,N!!"
-- What do you want, a golden star? Leave me to my work, please. --

LATER

"I hungry."
"You're hungry? Okay! What do you want to eat?"
"Keedamar."
"Candy?"
-- sigh --
"Uh huh."
"Well we're going to eat some lunch, then we can have candy okay?"
-- If I were as tall as I am smart, you'd have a bigger problem than you do now. --
"Do you like Spaghetti-O's?"
-- NO. --
"How about a sandwich?"
-- sigh --
"What about a bowl of cereal?"
-- I would LIKE what I asked for in the FIRST PLACE. --
"Okay... Goldfish?"
-- Heck yeah, now you're talkin'!! --

LATER

"Hey Zayden, do you want to watch cartoons?"
-- I thought two other kids lived here as well. --
"We could watch SpongeBob..."
-- They must still be at school. --
"... or we could watch Scooby-Doo..."
-- I hope they come home soon. --
"... or how about Dora?"
-- PLEASE. Come home soon. --

LATER

"Look Zayden, Lily and Caleb are home!"
-- HALLELUJAH!! --

--blissfully playing with my kids--
"Hey guys, who wants green juice?"
-- You're still here? Geez. --
"ME!!" "ME!!"
-- Oh, I suppose... --

But I am happy to report that things have gotten a lot better. I think. At least he talks to me, smiles and laughs now. I still think he questions my competence quite frequently.

--sniff--
"Zayden, do you need to be changed?"
-- Well, I am HOPING it wasn't YOU. --