Child Logic

The other day my darling daughter and I had this conversation:
"Mom. How come you have boobies and I don't?"
"Well, when you get older you'll go through puberty and then you will get them."
"Oh. What are boobies for?"
"When you have a baby in your tummy your boobs produce milk so you can feed the baby after it is born."
"Your boobs have milk in them?"
"No, it only happens when you have a baby in your tummy."
"Oh. What's in them right now?"
"Nothing. It's just skin and fat."
"Oh."
Later that night, Caleb and I have this endearing conversation:
---pokes me in the boob--
"Boobies!!"
"Yes. Don't poke them."
"Is there milk in there?"
"Nope, not anymore."
"Just fat?"
"Yeah."
"Like your tummy?"
Ggrrr...

Death By No Diet

After much thought I have concluded that I will die, or at least lose my right foot, if I do not start dieting. Let me elaborate.
We were in Wal-mart the other day, and James made the mistake of taking a short cut through the ice cream isle. In moments I was drooling onto the window showcasing the Ben and Jerry's ice cream. So we decided to get some. James picks New York Super Fudge Chunk and I pick Peanut Butter Cup. When I retrieve them, my pint slips through my fingers (surprise surprise) and falls right on the top of my foot! Oouucchh! Now I have a big nasty bruise on my foot that still hurts.
You know what creeps me out? This is the second time it has happened! Same store, same flavor, same foot! If I drop another one on there I think it may burst a vein and blood will flow out and corrode my muscles and they'll have to amputate it. Ok, I'm a little dramatic.
But get this.
I get a hankering for a Starbucks Frappuccino, so on the way home I ask James to stop by there. This one is in a shopping strip and doesn't have a drive-thru so I have to haul my fat self across the parking lot. I get my venti frap and while walking towards the car I almost get hit my this huge truck! Geez! Can't that kid see I'm enjoying my 2500 calories??
Thus, my conclusion.
I will die or lose a foot if I do not start dieting.
Or I could sit at home and have James bring me my B&J's and frapps. Hrmmm....

Swimming With The B's

Here I am again! I never seem to go away, do I? I haven't been writing because the pool at our apartment complex finally opened up! Woo hoo! The kids and I have been swimming almost every day. It's very good exercise, when you don't cancel it out with a Big Mac and jumbo fries! I PROMISE I will do my Pilates tomorrow, flabby abby, I promise.
Anyway, the B family went swimming the other night and I thought I'd blog about it.
First, I had to find a bathing suit. (dum dum DUM)
Off to Walmart I go. Fortunately I didn't have the kids that week. I go to the fat woman section and start browsing. I have already decided the bikini went out with my first child's birth, and tankinis are just too short, they roll up over my belly. So I am reduced to a one-piece. I find a really cute black one with a gold ring between the "boobies". PLUS, it has tummy comtrol! Yeah! So I grab a 1X and head to the fitting room.
No go. I'm jumping and grunting and pulling and it's just not going over my stomach.
Head back out. Search and search and finally find a 3X. Here we go again.
This time, it's so big my boobs keep falling out, and I actually feel skinny! But alas, it doesn't fit. Figures. I finally find the perfect bathing suit and they don't have my size.
On the off chance, I go looking for a 2X. Surely they won't have one, I say to myself. I'm working myself up for a disappointment.
But there... in the dark chasm of the flipped-off-the-hanger-don't-have-time-to-put-it-back-on vacuum of forgotten bathing suits.... I see a glimmer of gold....
No. It can't be. But as I reach in and grab it, bringing it slowly up, the fluorescent lights make the gold ring flicker so beautifully, and I know. I just know.
Tepidly I find the tag.... and there it is, in bold black letters: 2X!!
Woo hoo!!!
It's funny when James gets home that night. I'm sitting on the couch when he walks in. I casually inform him I went bathing suit shopping. I see his eyes get big and he slowly backs towards the door he just entered.
"No, it's ok babe. I found the perfect one!"
We celebrated by buying 6 pints of Ben and Jerry's.
Anyway, the B family went swimming the other night and I thought I'd blog about it.
James swims for about 10 minutes then vegetates in the hot tub for the rest of the hour or so. I can't really blame him, I mean he does work all day in the blistering heat... but c'mon! Your wife is in a smoking hot bathing suit, the kids are occupied and you want to SIT THERE?!! Whatever.
I, on the other hand, love water. Rain, puddles, swimming pools, love it. This pool happens to have three shower head thingies that "rain" into the pool. So I swim about and then stand autistically under the rain for 45 minutes. Love it.
Lily runs and jumps into the pool, oh, a million times. Every time we are obliged to watch her do this! but the jump never changes. Oh! She did add a spin once.
Caleb likes to spin around as much as I like water. When he gets tired, frustrated or mad he gets on his Sit-N-Spin and away he goes. He's been known to spin himself to sleep or throw up and jump back on it again.
Can you guess what he's doing in the pool?
Yup. Spinning. The whole time. And when one of us gets into his "spinning zone" he lashes out with a scream and a few kicks.
So there we are.
ZZZZZZ (asleep in the hot tub)
Ooohhhh... rain.....
"WATCH THIS MOM CAN YOU SEE ME ARE YOU WATCHING WATCH ME MOM LOOK!!!"
Spin. Spin. Spin. Spin.

Miscellany 2

I found a banana in the peanut butter jar the other day. Apparently Caleb had tried dipping the banana into the peanut butter, it didn't work, so he shoved it all in there, closed it and put it back into the pantry.

We were in the car coming home from picking up Lily from school and she was shaking her Weekly Reader very annoyingly. When I asked her to stop, she said "Mom! I'm trying to make a movie!"

The kids are at Nana's house for a week! Woo hoo! James was also off yesterday for Memorial Day, so we spent all day eating four different flavors of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and watching the first season of My Name Is Earl. Today James is out of town over night at his job (boo!), so here is how I've kept myself occupied:
1. Woke up at 10 and ate Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream for breakfast.
2. Surfed the Internet for 3 hours.
3. Went to the bank.
4. Worked on a puzzle to build my brain muscles for 2 hours.
5. Ate strawberries and corn flakes for lunch.
6. Took a nap.
7. Considered doing the laundry, but nah, hopped back online instead.
I miss the kids, but man do I like to sleep in and not have to negate arguments all day!

New Pets

It has come to my attention recently that staying at home caring for two young children can be monotonous and boring. I have had pets all of my life, and so have my kids mostly. We were all getting "pet lonely" because our apartment requires a $400 deposit to have a pet. Boo!
The other day we received in the mail a check for past child support (I know! I almost fell into my new garden in shock!) and I decided to get the kids and myself a pet.
So off to the pet store we went.
Caleb wanted a hairless rat. Ewww, no.
Lily wanted a chinchilla. This girl is gonna be high maintenance, I can tell.
Then I saw the guinea pigs. I asked the pet store lady about them. She said yeah, they're great for kids, very tame, make cute noises, eat out of your hand, easy to maintain, etc. I told her once we had two hamsters, but one was accidentaly dropped and, you know.
So we became the proud owners of a guinea pig named Lenny.
As we were leaving, Lily carrying the animal box, she leans over her shoulder and shouts "I promise I won't kill this one!" You should have seen the looks of pity Lenny recieved.
We took him home, set up his cage, and watched him run into his box. And never come out.
I've caught him a few times and the kids and I have held him, even fed him little treats.
But other than that, he sits still in your lap, or runs into his box and hides.
This guinea pig isn't living up to the cute pet I had envisioned! Not even one cute noise!
I am determined, though.
Today I was in the kitchen washing dishes and the phone rang. I guess it scared Lenny because he made a chirping noise. His first word! Awww!
This will take time, but I think he will be a good pet.

This weekend we also acquired two baby red eared slider turtles. They are so funny! We just lay there and watch them chase each other, look at us, climb on top of each other trying to get out of the aquarium; they even eat funny. I'm kinda liking them, and James is too. He won't admit it, but he's a sucker for animals.

Oh. We caught a caterpillar outside and the kids wanted to keep it in a box to watch it morph into a butterfly (why did I have to open my big mouth?). So we put it into a box with leaves and branches and stuff. It was dead five hours later. Oh well.

Evil Bank Tellers

Do you remember the days when your parents went to the bank drive thru and you got all excited because you knew the person at the other end of that vacuum tube was going to send out suckers for the kids? Your mouth would water just waiting in line for your parents to do whatever they did with their money that didn't grow on trees, and by the time the suckers came you could already hear the crackle of the wrapper coming off that delicious sucker.
My question is, why don't they send out suckers any more?
You know they have the money to buy them. Seriously, how much does a bag of suckers cost? Not much at Dollar General. There's gotta be some petty cash around there somewhere. And, how many people actually dare to take two toddlers with them to the drive thru (besides me)? Do they not send suckers to see the parents' faces fall when they realize the snotty bank teller has not sent suckers to temporarily pacify their screaming children? Are they trying to lose customers?
C'mon people. Think of the kids!

One Year Anniversary

I just realized that March 12 was this blogs' one year anniversary, which is saying something because I have never kept a journal/diary/kill and or maim list for more than a week. I'm surprised I've kept my husband for as long as I have. To celebrate, I have composed a list of facts about yours truly because most of this blog is about the kids, and well, it's my turn!!

1. I'm almost finished reading the entire Bible.

2. I like to read, even though I rarely get the chance.

3. I believe in spirits, though I've yet to see one. But there was this one time when I kept feeling a presence run into my room and stop at the foot of my bed and "watch" me.

4. I have had dreams of events happening years before they happen. Like the house we moved into when I was 15; I had dreamed about it two years before. It looked exactly the way it did in the dream.

5. I have deja vu often, mainly about trivial stuff like James and I getting into a fight or getting a phone call at a certain time of day.

6. Therefore, I believe in people who have an ability to "feel" certain places and what might have happened there, but I believe it is a talent from God and He severely limits it. I believe it's not anything particularly paranormal, but simply God allowing us to use different parts of the brain together or separately. I don't believe in palmists, future-seers, mystic ball readers and those kooks at the end of those 900 numbers.

7. I like to think complicatedly and ponder things that most people don't get when I try to explain it to them.

8. I like to see things accomplished in an orderly, manner, i.e. laundry (washing, drying, folding, putting away), dishes (same), vacuuming, getting the kids up and dressed, etc. I like to do those chores myself not to get them done, but because it satisfies a certain OCD part of me.

9. I have a sequence I follow while showering, and not much interferes with it. I shave one body part every three days; hardly ever do I shave all parts of my body in one shower session.

10. I like the sound of someone typing, James playing his guitar, running water, wind chimes, and silence.

11. I like office supplies; paper, pens, spirals, binders, envelopes, markers, stamps, etc. I will often rifle the office supply isle at Wal-Mart just to look at the stuff. I like the smell of paper, erasers, new tires and new swim floats.

12. I hate the sound of someone rubbing the feet on the carpet, gulping, slurping, smacking, and any repeated nuance coming from a toy.

13. I have started several stories but never finished them, including six or so autobiographies.

14. I know I want to go to college, but not what for. I would like to work with finance but I don't really like numbers and math. I thought about psychology but I really don't want to hear about other people's problems. I would like to study the brain, but it's too complex.

15. The left side of my body is smaller then the right.

16. I taught myself to type by memorizing where the keys are, not by putting my hands on the keyboard in a sequential order and remembering "N is to the bottom left of J, which is under my right index finger."

17. Yeah, not many people know what I'm talking about.

18. I like to sleep, and for me to sleep well I have to be in total darkness with a fan being the only sound I hear.

19. I keep my nails short because if they are long, I am obsessed with keeping them clean and it starts to really irritate me.

20. I think a certain connection is formed in utero between a mother and her child, and men are just SOL.

****Notes From Mom****
Number 7 is true. Most of the time when you try to explain something, I'm thinking "What planet is she from?" But I often think that about Taryn too. Zac I understand. I may not agree, but I understand.

Mother's Day 2007

My Mom
By: Lily

My mom has white hair and blue eyes.
She is 12 feet tall and weighs 50 pounds.
My mom likes to wash dishes.
My mom is happy when we help her with the dishes.
My mom's favorite TV show is Scooby Doo and Princesses.
My mom is very smart. She knows all about me and my brother.
My mom likes to eat broccoli, meat and mashed potatoes.
It really bugs my mom when we do stuff wrong.
If my mom could have one wish come true, it would be for Jesus to make the kids be good.
My mom is special because she makes cookies.

Those Genes Look Good On You! 2

I had Lily's parent-teacher conference the other day. Her teacher commented that "Lily is the most interesting student I've had in a long time!" You should have to raise her, lady. You have NO IDEA. Trust me. Apparently when Lily transferred to her new class, she already knew all the stuff her new teacher was teaching the rest of the class, so Lily has been a little bored. They draw in a journal every day (I'll post pictures up later, she wouldn't let me take the journal, something about waiting until the end of the year, I think she just wanted it for herself, give it back!!) and Lily draws in 3-D, which her teacher said is very unusual. She also draws depth and draws letters in block form, also very unusual. But what was really cool was Lily scored a 676 on the STAR Early Literacy test, while the rest of her class scored in the 300-500 range. Whoop whoop!
This all brings me to questions like....
How do you raise an overly smart kid?
How do you keep them busy?
Do you follow their lead?
So she really does understand the Spanish she's been jibbering?
Is that why she's been hel! on wheels since the day she was born?
Did those falls off the bed when she was little have anything to do with it?
Can she get a job now?
Uhhhggg. This is all kind of overwhelming. But I do want to give a shout out to Nana who starting teaching her the ABC's at the age of 2. Kudos!

A Little Miscellany

I woke up a couple of mornings ago and found a whole roll of toilet paper unrolled into a half-filled tub of water. Apparently the kids had tried to take a bath but couldn't find the stopper, so they plugged the drain with the only sensible thing they could think of. (If it stops up the toilet, perhaps it will stop up this drain! We are geniuses!) So I spent the morning digging soggy TP out of a nasty drain, then I had to plunge it because some of it was still out of reach. Okay, I just didn't want to stick my finger in that far. So sue me! Caleb has also discovered the absolute joy that comes from pouring cups of water onto his foam mattress until it is thoroughly soaked and I have to drag it onto the porch to dry all day. The only reason that kid still has a butt is because his dad gets home at 4:30.

I have gotten tired of rinsing out sharted underwear, and have been trying to figure out a way to get out of this duty. I can't keep a pull-up on him because he uses it like a diaper and I'm back to square one changing him all day. Plain underwear is sharted in on an average of every 45 minutes. (In case you're wondering, "shart" is when you sh*t and fart at the same time.) Then it came to me....
MAXI PADS!!!
I can just yank it out and replace it when it gets sharted on! Awesome!
So I get out my Kotex and put one on him, and it goes literally from his belly button to his lower back. I am a genius! All day went well, with the pad not sharted on, until we go to get him dressed for bed.
"Uh, babe?"
"Yeah."
"Is my son wearing a, uh, pad?"
"Yes he is."
"Umm.... ok."
James is so good about going along with my experiments, although realizing his son wore his sister's shoes, had pink toenails courtesy of Nana, found an old purse of mine that he liked AND was wearing a maxi pad all day probably hit him a little below the belt. Poor guy.
Back to the pad. Caleb had peed in it. A good quart or so, which means he used the pad all day like a pull-up/diaper. Square one again.
And then it hit me...
PANTYLINER!!
Shorter, but still there to do it's job, it just might work....
I've given up on potty training for a while. Peeing is down, but pooing just isn't. He's started doing the poopy dance again, which is good, but when I sit him on the toilet he cries and carries on but doesn't poop. I've tried eveything. Candy, cookies, trips to the park, a new toy, horror stories about constipation, nothing works! And I'm tired. So, Daddy has poo duty for a while. He's even tried the you-need-to-feed-the-toilet story, I know it's so gross, but so far nothing.

James and I started a garden yesterday. I now have 18 plants at my mercy. Oh, and I found out yesterday that all 18 are annuals, meaning they don't last more than a year. I'll have to dig them up next year and replant them. Ggrrrr.

Conversation With My Body

Body: "Um excuse me, are you busy?"
Brain: "Why no, can I help you?"
Body: "Gee, I hope so. Uh, what is this?"
Brain: "What is what?"
Body: "You see that blob of orange mush over there in my stomach? What is that?"
Brain: "Oh, that would be a carrot."
Body: "A what?"
Brain: "A carrot. You know, the vegetable."
Body: "Dude, we haven't had a vegetable since we were seven. What's up with that?"
Brain: "Well you see, lately there has been a lot of fat lying around, metabolism isn't doing it's job too well, and let's face it, you're having trouble getting up the stairs in one piece."
Body: "Oop! That is not true! How dare you say that!"
Brain: "How often do you bring your clothes downstairs so you won't have to go back upstairs to get dressed?"
Body: "That's just good conservation technique."
Brain: "Yeah right."
Body: "Aahh!! What's that??"
Brain: "Looks like more carrot."
Body: "You can't do this to me!! No fair!!"
Brain: "Get used to a lot more vegetables AND fruits AND exercise. Need to get this fat moving around here!"
Body: "EXERCISE?? No, no I can't. I went for the water thing but I absolutely cannot do exercise. Nope."
Brain: "I have to get the fat moving because it's taking a toll on emotions and self-esteem. You're not doing a quick enough evacuation job."
Body: "Yes, I... I mean... I'm just pacing myself!!"
Brain: "Three years? That's called procrastination."
Body: "Pacing! Not procrastination!"
Brain: "Whatever."
Body: "Please! I swear, I'll.... I'll make you pay for this!"
Brain: "Really."
Body: "Yeah! You better watch your back, cause here comes a big... big COLD or something!"
Brain: "Careful, my pet. I can cut the oxygen supply real quick."
Body: "You... you wouldn't dare!!"
Brain: "Try me."
Body: "You're mean! You're... CRAZY!!"
Brain: "Just get that fat moving."
Body: "CRAZY! CRAZY!!"

That Holy Feeling 3..... And Then Some

Okay. So we've gotten moved far far away. Getting settled into a new routine, one of which is going from $2800 per month salary to $1600 a month. Yeah. So, we're trying to conserve whatever we can, cut whatever corners we can.
One biggie has been electricity, because with the summer starting I have this anal fear of a $400 electric bill. These last couple of days haven't been scorchers, but they haven't been pleasant either, at 69% humidity. Plus, our room is upstairs. I finally relented and let James turn on the air for a few minutes in the evening so he can get to sleep.
Yesterday, it was soooo muggy and hot I finally said to myself, Screw it! Turn on the air. God will provide for us. So I turned the air on. And guess what?
James came home that evening and announced he was getting a $2 raise!! Whoop whoop!! Hallelujah!!

Last week we went fishing with the kids at the local pond. We used corn and caught small perch, which wasn't much but the kids loved it! So did James; he's such a kid. When they caught one, we would all gather around and feel it's scales, etc. Well, they did. I don't do scales. Then the kid who caught the fish got to throw it back. A few days later we were driving somewhere and Lily saw that Caleb had a scab on his knee and said it looked like scales, to which Caleb replied,
"Well, I guess you haffa frow me back."

Today while leaving Walmart after another grand adventure, Lily asks me,
"Mom? How's it going?"
Are you kidding?? You escaped from the cart, terrorized the lobster, poked holes in packages of meat, picked up every box of cereal on the aisle wanting to (loudly) buy it, and added various items to the basket which weren't noticed until we enter the checkout line. (I SWEAR I didn't put those magnum condoms in there.... poor cashier.)

Last night James and the kids made cookies. He bought some pre-made dough and the kids helped him put it on the cookie sheets. When they were done I learned James had used the ice cream scoop to spoon the cookie dough, leading to the creation of brown-on-the-outside, gooey-on-the-inside monstrosities. They loved them. Yuck!!

We've been trying to teach the kids more bedtime songs because I'm getting tired of singing the same two over and over again. Last night we taught them "This Little Light Of Mine" and "I've Got The Joy, Joy, Joy." Caleb's rendition:
"Dis little life off mine
I'm gonna let it thine
Dis little life off mine
I'm gonna let it thine
Let it thine Lord let it thine"

Potty training is regressing. Caleb has stopped doing the poop dance, so I can't really tell when he needs to go #2 anymore. We've been changing pull-ups now for about a week, because rinsing out skidded underwear is SO not my thing. James was changing Caleb last night and Caleb kept swinging his legs around, and finally James said "If you don't quit I'm gonna lite your butt up!" to which Caleb replied "But ders no fire in der!"

Miscellany

I think these are self-explanatory.
The first picture pretty much sums up my day yesterday when Caleb was on a terror. Where do I start? First, we went to Wal-mart, where he immediately announced "I gotta go potty!!" He has to go potty every. place. we. go. No kidding. Church, McDonald's, a friend's house, wherever it is he has to mark his territory I guess. Anyway, we get to the check out where he starts with the I-want-candy routine. After repeatedly telling him no, he takes his hand and swipes five boxes of candy onto the floor. Where did I get this demon child? So we make it to the register where he picks up the debit card pen-pad thingy and starts scribbling away. So I push him down a little further. There he reaches down and spins the plastic bag holder thingy while the cashier is putting stuff in a bag and slings my deodorant a good seven feet, where a kindly old lady picks it up. So I push him FURTHER towards the nail manicure place, and I guess the acrylic burned what be-good brain cells he had left cause the rest of my day was shot.
So we go get Lily and head home, and he falls asleep. When he wakes up I am in the shower, so I jump out and change him because he's peed his underwear (I was NOT going to wake him up to put a pull-up on him). Then I go back upstairs to get dressed. In those two minutes he empties two cups of marshmallows into a bowl, added water and a cup of sugar, and has placed it on his bedroom floor. So I pick up the bowl and discover sugar water all over the carpet, which has since made a sticky spot even though I cleaned it up. He also has sugar paste on his face and hair.
So I put him in the bathtub and go find my cell phone because right about now I need a drinking buddy. I go back about five minutes later and there's five gallons of bathwater on the floor. SO I get him out and dressed and make him help me clean THAT up. Then we all go upstairs because I need to get online but I want to keep an eye on them. They get out hot pink highlighters and paper and start to draw. The next thing I know, there are lovely pink swirls on my WHITE CARPET and bed sheets. Ggrrrr.
So I send them downstairs where he finds two plastic pots and starts banging them together relentlessly. SO I take those away. Now you may be asking why I haven't shoved them outside and locked the door. It was cold, and they both have a runny nose, and well I'm not THAT mean. Actually, I haven't located a suitable pediatrician yet.
Then Daddy gets home. YAY!! Everything gets better for a while. We go to Office Depot and James is looking for a card reader of some type, and the guy that comes to help us has a black patch over his eye. And of course, Lily says "Mom! Is he a PIRATE??"
So we went to look for green paper.
While carrying Caleb inside, he looks up and says "Mom, the stars are open! Look Mom!"
How cute.

The Pretty And The.... Not So Pretty

First, the pretty......

These are on the side of the road EVERYWHERE. In town, out of town, it looks like the giant momma bluebonnet threw up. Really pretty.

Now, the not so pretty.....

Well, she's pretty, but her hair is not.
"Everyone at school loved it, but they said I need to go see a hairdresser."
Indeed.

Oh The Insanity

Caleb is potty training. We've got peeing down, and pooping is coming along nicely. We're still working on "shaking it" after he finishes so his underwear aren't soaked by the end of the day. Plus, he was smelling like a vagrant. Oh, and "keeping it down." I love sitting on a wet toilet seat. Some cute quotes from our potty training:
"But I'm tired of dith poopin!"
"I gotta go to da bafroom! Turnnaround! Don't watch me!"
"It won't come out." --while looking at "it" and shaking "it"
"Da poopin and da pee peein will make me big and thtrong?"

Lily was making a pizza tonight, and i was telling her what buttons to push on the microwave. When I said start, she said
"Does it start with a S and a T and a A and a R and a T again?"
I love preschool.

This Is A Test Of The Emergency Hormonal System....

So James comes home this weekend and finds me gagging into a trashcan, which I have been doing for about 12 days now, as well as being moody and sleeping a lot. And suddenly it hits me.
"You think you might be pregnant?" I ask myself.
I know I didn't just say the "P" word.
So I catapult off the bed and grab my handy dandy calendar that I have been keeping for Provera (beating my cycles into normal, 28 day, moderate bleeding submission) purposes, and my heart drops about five feet.
THREE
DAYS
LATE.
I've been like clockwork
SINCE
JANUARY.
No. Oh no. NO NO NO. Do you hear me, uterus? I SAID NO. I thought you got the hint when the doctor singed your tubes and clamped them shut. 99.99% effective in preventing pregnancy. Look, here's the pamphlet. LOOK, YOU MORONIC UTERUS. THIS says NO, and I say NO.
She laughed at me.
So after I scraped myself off the floor and started breathing again, I calmly (HYPERVENTILATINGLY) informed James that (YOU BASTARD WITH THE SUPERSONIC SPERM, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!) we were in a predicament.
No. I just have a stomach bug. Really. REALLY.
But the next day, after chugging a half bottle of Pepto Bismol for nausea and almost throwing up at the sight of my once beloved ice cream, I decided maybe we should get a test. Just to ease my mind because James is clearly elated. He agrees with me that we want no more children, this would be devastating, kids are expensive, I can't handle three kids James I can't it's not going to happen, but he's glowing. HE wants a football team. I want my sanity.
So we buy one. And I do my thing.
And it's NEGATIVE.
You stupid gelatinous *$#^%!! Next time you do a hormonal test check-up, let me know!! That was NOT funny! Stupid.
Turns out it was a bug, because James has it now. And ole Aunt Flo made her debut yesterday. Stupid hormones.

Update..... Uh, 3?

WELL.....
We're moving in about four days. To another part of Texas, the pretty part. East Texas. They have GRASS. REAL GRASS. James got a job up there; now he's an electrician. Marine, corrections officer, husband, father, manufacturer, water piper, firefighter, Guardsman, and now electrican. Whoo. I've only ever been a cashier, mother, wife, complaint recepient and DQ queen. The move seems liketa pretty solid idea.... that is, if you can get past these facts:

1. I am moving very far away from my mom, dad, grandparents, in-laws, and children. (What? I have to take them with me? Crap.) I've never lived more than 30 miles from any of them. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I guess I'll have to "grow up" and tough it out. Crap.

2. I'm moving away from my babies!!

The first is my nephew Zayden. The second is my friend Lydia's babies, Laylah and Justice. I see these three weekly, if not daily. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I guess I'll have to scout our new apartment complex for new or expecting mothers. (Hey! Hey you! Can I hold your baby? Please? Just for a minute? I'm having baby withdrawal!!)

3. James is considered contracted labor. Translation: we (meaning I) have to deduct our own taxes. And, he doesn't get paid overtime. AND, he'll be getting at least 5 hours overtime a week. But he does get paid weekly, which is cool.

4. Our insurance is going up $20 a month. Rent is going up $285. We have to switch from Verizon to AT&T, always stressful. But our electricity rate is going down, water will be paid, and the city tax is lower, so I guess it evened out. Plus, they have GRASS.

5. Lily will be tranferring mid-year. Pre-k should be no big year, right? Whatever, she's leaving all her friends behind! Plus, the kids (and I) will be going through Nana and PaPa withdrawal for the first three weeks, which means I may pick up my half-gallon-of-ice-cream-a-day habit again. Crap.

6. While going through said withdrawal, I will have to be constantly reminding my mother and mother-in-law that children must be set free to roam the earth with their heathen, dirty, screaming children. Please (DON'T) start unpacking, (DON'T) unload the car, and try to (GET HERE AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE) relax and think of the (INTENSE RELIEF YOU WILL BE GIVING ME AND YOURSELF) long term affects of your hasty decisions based solely on (MY INABILITY TO FUNCTION, WHY OH WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?!!) emotion.

7. I have to leave my cat. Yes, the psycho one. But I love her dearly. How I will miss our bathroom showdowns and butt attacks. Crap.

Our Story

www.ourstory.com

I found this pretty cool website. You create a page about yourself by answering a jillion questions. Then your family and friends can log on and spend hours reading about you. Here's some I'll share with you:

>>How did you first get the news that a new baby would soon join your life?
How did I get the news? How does anyone?? I peed on a freaking stick!! With Lily I was in the bathroom at school, and my first thought was OH SHAT. Caleb was planned, so I was pretty excited.

>>How did you respond when you first heard that you were expecting a baby?
Lily: OH CRAP. He said he got kicked in the balls and couldn't have kids!! WTF?!! Liar! Liar! Look at the stick, you moron! Two pink lines not one!! Stupid! Look!!
Caleb: Yay!!! What a great wedding present! Now he's really stuck with me for life!!

>>How did you and your partner meet, fall in love, and take the first steps that led to this new baby?
Oh gosh. What steps did we take?? Are you serious??

>>Did your baby "happen" easily, or did it take some work to bring him or her into your life?
You people have me ROLLING!! Um.... Lily only took three months and endless bottles of liquor. So I guess she "happened" relatively easily. Caleb came just four weeks after a miscarriage. Eager little fellow, eh? So I guess he was an easy baby too, though with both I didn't do much work. Isn't that "his" job?

>>What musical, artistic, or other self-expressive talents emerged during your teenage years?
I liked (and still do like) to write. I would write some pretty creepy stuff and then end up burning it. I've started about 30 journals, including food journals, and have never gotten past the first week. Oh, and in my freshman year me and three of my friends tried to be witches. You know, candles and crap. Does that count as artistic? Maybe more like self-expressive....

>>For professional recordkeeping, list the details of your job title, the company you work for, your manager, and the duration of your employment in this role.
Title: Mommy
Company: Oops I Did It Again, Inc.
Manager: God, husband, in-laws, mom and granny.
Duration of Job: FFOORREEVVEERR!!
Job Duties: short order cook, poop cleaner, dish washer, clothes washer, bather, wiper, potty trainer, chaperone, negotiator, interpreter, lost items retrieval, walmart marathon shopper, checkbook balancer, dresser, cat rescuer.

>>Name and provide titles and roles for any employees or assistants that you manage or supervise.
I have one assistant, his name is James. He moonlights as a husband. He performs the duties previously listed if I am doing more than three things at one time. Doesn't need much supervision, requires menial wages (namely anything lacey or "hands on"), and will eat almost anything. Has been an asset to the company for three years now.

I've Been Blond Since Birth

Recently I took a quiz to see if I was dumb. If I scored an 18 or below, I'm smart. I scored 18. On the verge of stupidity. This is what my mom wrote when I sent my quiz results to her:

I was hoping that they would ask "Have you ever swallowed your gum and choked on it while being baptized which made you lose your footing and fall farther under water and flail your arms trying to stand back up while the preacher is trying to help you?"...memories... Luv, Mom

Yes. I was chewing gum during my baptism. So sue me, I'm blond. I guarantee I made some people smile that day, the Good Lord included. I think that's why He made me the way I am. For a good laugh or two. Oh, and once when I was 8 months pregnant I fell off the back porch steps and got myself wedged between the bottom step and my dad's truck. I never knew my dad could exit a car that quickly.

On another note, I started my diet again today. Seriously. Yesterday Lily said "Mom, if you have a big tummy why don't you just have a baby in there?" Ggrrr. I saw James cringe and back away instantly. There's just some things you don't say to Mommy.

Oh The Chaos

This weekend we went to Ennis, Tx. THE LONGEST FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE. Oh, the DVD player helped a little, but after 3 movies it gets really hot and I didn't want to catch anything on fire, as enticing as it sounded (that was for you Taryn). So we get there, and our friend have 4 kids. I mean I knew this before we went and I had prepared myself, but geez Louise! They weren't annoying or anything, I guess cause they're not mine, but after this weekend I'm considering getting my tubes tied. Again. Just to be sure. I don't know how they do it! They have a pretty good system going, bath time and dinner go smooth. They even go to bed at 8!! Wow! That's accomplishment right there folks. All four, pow, asleep. And I didn't see any Benadryl use to boot. They're my heroes. You know what's bad? We all went bowling and MY kid is the one who kept running away! I swear theirs stayed in one place and bowled, but mine? Nope. Caleb sprinted across the bowling lanes twice and the table area thrice. You can imagine how we looked when their four kids are being good and my ONE KID is being.... not good!! I was so embarrassed. What was even funnier was the kids got higher scores than some of the adults! It was great. Like hanging out with a daycare all weekend.