School

FINAL GRADES (ESTIMATES)

Remedial Math: 90's
Business: 80's
Speech: 90's
Economics: some negative number

So I still don't know what I want to be when I finish school or what I generally want to accomplish in life. Besides raising two decent Christian kids and keeping the husband from an early death by anxiety. But whatever. I'm still praying about it!!!

Christmas 2010

Everyone is getting homemade gifts this year.

That's all I have to say.

But... When Do I Get Help Losing Weight???

My cat is bulimic.
My daughter is anorexic.
And I'm peeved.

As of late Hal has had a propensity to barf abnormally large amounts of food an abnormal number of times. The first time he was also running a fever and received antibiotics. This time I think he'll be okay. Well, according to my checkbook he BETTER be okay.

Lily was recently diagnosed with ADD-I (thanks, sperm donor...) and started taking Vyvanse on Wednesday. In case you're too lazy to follow the link, it is an amphetamine. Meaning that while she is able to concentrate better in school and get her work done, she also obsessively cleans her room at 11 p.m. No joke. Also, she comes home from school with intricately drawn pictures of stockings hanging from a fireplace. She has also lost much of her appetite, meaning I have to force her to eat.
Lovely.

Meanwhile.... I have lost a little weight thanks to GOD ALMIGHTY and His strength that He gives me to jog on the treadmill. I am so thankful!! I just need a little more patience....

All I Want For Christmas Is My Sanity-- Obama, healthcare, Black Friday deals, Sarah Palin

The above title is meant to increase the traffic on this blog.
We'll see if it works.
So. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and so has Black Friday. UGH. Who wants to camp out in sub-zero degree weather for a stupid I-Phone?
NOT ME.
I would rather stay in my nice warm bed and be thankful for what I have.

Why I Do't Think I'll Ever Get A Ticket From My Husband

**Beee-WOOOP**
"Good evening ma'am, I'm with the SAPD and I pulled you over for-"
"Seriously? We're gonna do this? I have to get home and deal with your children."
"As I was saying ma'am, I pulled you over for going 37 in a 35 m.p.h. lane."
--stare--
"FINE. I'll play but only because you're cute in your uniform."
"License and registration, please."
"Oh, okay. Um... here you go, OFFICER."
....
"You gonna run me for warrants, too?"
"Do I need to, ma'am?"
"L.O.L."
"Luckily you came back clean."
"Geez, that's great!"
"But I'm afraid I will be writing you a citation for speeding."
"Is your supervisor in the car or something?"
--stare--
"Are you SERIOUS?!!"
"As a heart attack, ma'am."
"You know speeding tickets are expensive and I don't have a job right? My HUSBAND makes all the money."
"I'm sorry for your situation, ma'am."
--stare--
"Oh well. I guess my husband won't be getting that new "Bloody Gory Cuss-Wordy War of the Universe Big Gun and Noise" X-Box 360 game."
..........
"Have a nice day, ma'am."

McDonald's

I have come to find out that having a daily exercise routine makes me seriously crave sodium and fat. Namely, a Big Mac and fries.
So today the kids and I went to McD's to partake of their horribly nutritionally defunct food-ish products. The kids were excited because they are touting their annual Monopoly scheme and the kids WERE GONNA WIN BIG.
I arrive from the counter with out trans fats and meat byproducts and Caleb grabs his apple slices (ok, so there was ONE healthy thing there). He then proceeds to SQUEEZE THE BAG UNTIL IT POPS. Like a GUNSHOT.
I swear I heard the whole McDonald operation slow just for a moment.
Heaven knows it got noticeably quieter, if only for a few seconds.
A few, LOOOONG seconds.
I didn't turn around, but judging from the speed of which Caleb dove under the table, I'm pretty sure all patrons were looking at us. I just hung my head and let the moments pass, and operations returned to normal.

I'm glad McD's doesn't have security.

Update On Life

Okay so, what have I been doing whilst NOT blogging?

• I have really been depending on GOD to help me exercise and become healthier. I guess I came to the end of myself and had the realization that my way is the fat way. So every day it is my goal to spend some time in the Word and then use that spiritual fuel to do my workouts. So far, so good! The only falls off the wagon are due to my own unfaithfulness. And the stomach bug. Ugh.
  
  
• James is a for-real police officer now and I guess that makes me a for-real PO's wife. As in I get to hear him tell me about his night at three a.m. (groggy, "Wha???") and learning to speak in 10-code because he forgets I am a civilian.
  
  
• Lily may have ADD-I, which means she cannot keep her attention on one thing for any significant amount of HEY IS THAT A DEAD SNAKE?!!! IT'S A DEAD SNAKE!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT SNAKES IN SCIENCE CLASS?!!
  
  
• After much heart-searching, prayers and 6 years of trial and error, I have come to the realization that my son's brain is possibly affected by his parent's bad genes. As in, I ask him to draw his feelings and he comes up with storm clouds, lightning, rain and BOOM BOOM BOOM across the bottom of the notebook paper. But other days it's a little boy sliding down a rainbow screaming "WEEEEE!!!" So I have given him a feelings journal for him to express himself. Before he was expressing himself in various negative ways, thereby getting him into trouble and causing him to be more angry, etc.
  
  
• My sister got a new car and I didn't. *pouty face*
  
  
• This semester I am taking speech, remedial math, macroeconomics and principles of business. Speech is interesting, there are 35 students, 4 of which are over the age of 22. Math is coming along good. Business is simple. But Macro? Holy cow!! Do you know how to calculate our national savings, a.k.a how much we as a nation save?
  
  Y= C + I + G + NX
  where
  Y= production or aggregate income
  C= consumption
  G= government spending
  NX= don't know what it stands for but it's zero because we are in deficit.
  
  OH. And there's a T and a PV and a PS in there but I can't remember where they go so that's how I'm gonna fail Macroeconomics.
  
  
• I joined a thing where you are paid to review books on Amazon but it turns out that they don't have the most stellar reputation for payments...
  
  
• Lily is in Girl Scouts and Caleb is in Boy Scouts and since James is an officer they will all be in the Veteran's Day parade and I guess I'll stand on the sidelines like a dumba$$ by myself.
  
  
• My cousin's two year old SHAKES YOUR HAND when you greet him. And I think he says "Vote for Ike" on occasion. Not sure though.
  
  
• Little bro is still in Italy *pouty face* and nephews, who are here, are busy tossing upper respiratory infections back and forth.
  
  
  And that's all I can think of!!
  

YAY!! A New Post!!

• Greek yogurt SUCKS!!! It tastes like goat!!! And I've never had goat!!!
  
  
• The stomach virus SUCKS!!! And no one will come over and let me give it to them!!
  
  
• Kids and husbands SUCK!!! They didn't get the stomach bug!!!
  
  
• Driving across town 12 times a week SUCKS!!!!
  
  
• Having to write a speech about something that totally doesn't interest you SUCKS!!!
  
  
• Make-up SUCKS!!!!
  
  
• Fruit that makes my mouth itch and my lips swell SUCK!!!
  
  
• Never seeming to find the time to blog SUCKS!!!
  
  
• Christmas shopping SUCKS!!!!
  
  
• People who update their Facebook 1,498 times a day SUCK!!!
  
  
• Getting really into a blog and finding out that they only write every other month, and then remembering I have a blog that hasn't been updated in forever SUCKS!!!!
  
  
• I can't think of anything else right now!!!!

I'll Be Back

Lemme think of some stuff to blog about.
Then I'll be back.

Spring Broke

So, it's spring break again.
UGH.
And somehow there are even MORE kids at my house than I planned....
.... I planned for zero.
But that's okay.
I'm only babysitting one kid for about three hours a day this week, my nephews (SQUEE!!) are awesomely good, and my step-nieces are cool too. The average age of my peers this week will be five.
Oh boy.
At least I pawned the Panther over to Nana's for a while.
He's another kid altogether.
Strangely, more needy and more attention hungry.
But he purrs. And it makes it all okay.

Big News!

JAMES GOT HIRED ONTO THE LOCAL POLICE FORCE!!!

YAY!!
**does a happy dance**
On another note, I will no longer be babysitting one of the chimps.
**does a happy dance**
Oh.
Right.
I mean *sigh.*
But seriously, it turns out that I can't hack a daily taking-care-of-someone's-child thing without it cutting into my family life. Like, I get tired of keeping him out of everything and trying to put up with his endless defiant attitude. It makes me a mean person.
And a lazy person.
Instead of one night a week that we get take-out, we have one night a week that we eat at home. UGH. There are just some children that no matter what you do, if there is no discipline at home a babysitter's job is going to be darn near impossible. The babysitter cannot be the sole disciplinarian in a child's life.
And I'm not talking about smacking him around all the time. I'm talking about trying to be in public without being hit in the face and spit at, or trying to keep him from bludgeoning the other children, or simply obeying certain rules (we don't reach over the kitchen counter and grab objects... like knives). And yes, an eighteen month old CAN back talk.
So after much thought I've come to the conclusion that a babysitter's job is to provide a safe environment for a child, meet his or her needs in an appropriate and timely manner, and MAINTAIN the discipline and character that the parents have begun to nurture in their home. Maintain, not create AND maintain to only be undone over the weekend.
So while he has his charms and is insanely cute, I must relinquish this assignment to his original owners.

Back to Basics

Blogger says that the last time I blogged was November 24, 2009.

You see, I have been debating over and over the issue of blogging. I have been blogging for some three years now and while I like to write and my family likes to read, blogging has obviously been on the back burner for quite a while.
For starters I've been busy with two chimps,

two orangutans,


a gorilla

and a panther. I am a bonafide zoo keeper now a days. Babysitting two 1 year old's can definitely make you feel as if your house is being overrun with primates, and the 5 year old and 8 year old just add to the mix. In a lovely way because, as Aaron would say, children are somehow more tolerable in herds. But there are some advantages, such as the chimps poop at the same time (must be a smell trigger thing), sleep at the same time, and eat at the same time.
And then there is the gorilla.
You may already know that I am referring to my husband.
The head honcho, the growl-and-get-it-done, almost graduated gorilla. Hair and all.
Simple to maintain and easy to love, he is still a lot of work!!
Wives know what I mean.
And then there is the panther.
I've always wanted a loving pet but HOLY COW. This animal is NEEDY. He wakes me up around 6 every morning... to be held. Seriously.
He's all up in my face, meowing, pawing, biting and suffocating until I get up. Then I feed and water him and guess what? That's not what he wanted. Now he's following me and tripping me up until I literally bend down and pick him up. Then we cuddle and purr and love on each other and then he goes on about his feline way.
The only problem is he wants purr time seven times a day.
Egads!
The gorilla doesn't even get purr time seven times a day!
But I love him just the same.
Usually not when I'm cleaning out the litter box though. This cat has talent in a rectal way. Let's just say I've been cleaning walls.
And then....
MY NEPHEWS ARE HOME!!!!


Who would seriously deny these two handsome boys to sit at a computer and blog?
I shall call them.... the two capuchin, or Caps for short. Not because they look alike (they don't), but because the capuchin are one of the smartest, loudest and mobile primates.
And then there is me, the zookeeper.
I shall not post a picture of the zookeeper, since they are a circumspect species and I couldn't locate an awesome picture of me. But I have been busy maintaining the main zoo (minus the Caps), which means mainly feeding, cleaning, homework, and mediating arguments.
Throw in Granny's 80th birthday party, Girl Scouts, parent/teacher conferences and a lot of sleep and I've been a busy bee.
Oh.
And I'm thinking about going back to school.
Alas, I realize this blog has not been updated very regularly, but in between diaper changes and cleaning guns and wiping up lip gloss from the carpet, I'll try to blog more.
Adios!!!

Notes To Self

Don't EVER buy the dollar store brand shaving cream. BAD. NEWS.

Remember that daughter will forget the stipulations of Girl Scout meeting attendance and whining will ensue.

Spend the extra bucks for quality cat litter. And food.

And shaving cream. (shudder)

Buy a small notebook to keep in your purse for when you forget your regular notebook at home.

Have one place for sunglasses, keys, purse, bills, etc. When looking for something, it won't be in that location.

Defensive Driving is BORING. Watch your driving.

BLOG MORE.

A Long Overdo Weigh In

Blah.
So, I'm down to a size 14/16 (depending on the store I'm at and how distorted their sizing system is) and I WAS weighing in at 210.
But for some reason I'm now back to 220.
But my arms and legs and stomach are not any bigger. I can still fit into the clothes I was in when I weighed ten pounds less.
????????
Even if it is muscle I'm not too thrilled.
But if I'm healthy and my husband still kinda oogles my boobs I suppose I should be happy too.

Christmas 2009 -- The List

Wow, I haven't blogged twice in the same month since.... May or something.
Anyway.
'Tis the season for gobbling turkey and Black Friday sales and Christmas music and Jesus.
And the yearly culminated wish list.
Which for the kids means the 4,772 items Nana said "You'll have to wait for Christmas!" to.
(Lily circled a step ladder and Caleb circled Oreos in the toy book for Mimi to use as a guide. Classic.)
To James it means "The stuff I've been bugging and bugging and pleading and whining and otherwise carrying on for that APPARENTLY she has YET TO NOTICE."
To me, it means excitedly shopping in June and being bored in December and not really needing anything, except.....

A boob job. D's should look nice.
Laser hair removal. Legs only.
A nonstick muffin pan.
One pair of perfectly fitting, never shrinking, never wrinkling jeans.
New kitchen knives.
Liposuction. Say..... 20 pounds.I'm not high maintenance or anything, right?
A calorie free, fat free, sodium free food that tastes DELICIOUS and is cheap to buy.

I'm not too high maintenance, am I?
No really. I need a muffin pan.

Who You Gonna Call? Not This Blogger!!

Recently I awoke at 3:47 a.m. with two 48 lb. children nestled snugly under my armpits.
Joy.
When inquired, they cited nightmarish nightmares as the motive for changing beds.
I reminded them that if they pray and I pray, Jesus would give them a good night's rest... in their own beds.
No go.
So, I'm really tired and I don't want to get up, so I let them stay.
Lily falls asleep, Caleb starts talking.
"I just can't go to sleep because the colors don't go away, even at night!"
"Huh?"
--repeat--
"What are you talking about?"
"The COLORS. I see them in the air."
"What kind of colors?"
--names the rainbow--
"Are they... around people?"
"No, just floating in the air."
"Floating?"
"Yeah."
"Are they big?"
"Sometimes, mostly small and round."
"When do you see them?"
"When I am awake, in the air."
"Outside too?"
"Sometimes."
"Everywhere? Like at school too?"
"Yeah."
................
"And they won't go away!"
"Well, let's pray about it, okay?"
"Okay."
We pray. We fall asleep.

In the morning I ask Caleb about our conversation, trying to figure out if he was dreaming or what not.
"Caleb, do you remember what we talked about last night?"
"Yeah. The colors."
"Do you see any right now?"
"Yeah."
"Where?"
"Over there in the corner. They're like, purple."
--We all look--
"I don't see anything there."
"I do."
Lily: "Me too! They're right there!"
"Um.... okay...."

So, who should I call? The ophthalmologist or the exorcist?

Lessons from Babysitting 2- Typical Schedule

8:30 -- Acquire child

8:30-9:00 -- Feed child 2 pieces of buttered toast

9:00-11:00 -- Keep child out of the candy, buttons, bottled water, sodas, baskets, Betta fish, fish food, framed photos, refrigerator, cleaning supply cabinet, paper towels, toilet, regular towels, potpourri, candles, candle holders, scissors, trash can, nail files and newspaper.

11:00-1:00 -- Leave Granny's. Give child cup of milk, change eighth diaper and lay down for a nap. Clean up leaked milk. Check email. Exercise. Shower in record time. Blog.

1:00-2:45 -- Feed child Goldfish, mac and cheese, fish sticks and peanut butter. Keep child out of dumb bells, socks, dirty laundry, make up, toothpaste, sidewalk chalk, scooters, Cheetos found on the floor, mixer, checkers, recycling bin, crayons and purse.

2:45-3:15 -- Pick up older kids. Go to park. Keep child from killing himself on the teeter totter. Keep older children from killing him with "How high can he go?" experiment.

3:15-5:30 -- Return home. Mediate fights between children over who stinks. Try to entice child with rubber duck to keep him from in front of the t.v., which makes one or more children scream. Welcome home husband with a "Your turn, I gotta pee." Attempt to pick up living room. Find missing yogurt container behind t.v. Change 112th diaper. Clothe child in original outfit, which was disregarded after 58th diaper.

5:38 -- Return child to mother. Talk for a bit. Give gift of cabinet locks.

5:52 -- Glare at husband when asked, "So honey, what's for dinner?"

For better or for WORSE, for better or for WORSE.....

CAUTION: Lots of Vaginal Talk

NOTE TO DAD: DON'T READ ANY FURTHER.
TRUST ME!!
--------------------------------------------
We're mostly women, right?
I hope so.
So we all know the joys and sorrows of owning a vagina, right?
I hope so too.
And we all know that occasionally things get all mixed up and hell ensues, right?
I dearly hope so, because if not, you're readin' the WRONG BLOG.
Anyway.
So a few weeks ago all hell was ensuing and I logged onto Google and searched the connection between yogurt and balancing out the right bacterias in the, uh, lady's room.
I found out that many women had cured their lady rooms by inserting unflavored yogurt twice a day for like five days.
And I thought, I'm not babysitting this week, so what the heck.
But, these women did not report on how they achieved the inserting of the yogurt in the appropriate location.
(NOTE: Don't Google "insert yogurt in vagina" because you get all sorts of creepy stuff.)
So, I trotted down to the store and bought tampons and unflavored Greek yogurt, because it supposedly had a lot more "good" bacteria than Yoplait.
Then I went home.
After ruining eight tampon applicators I hadn't gotten anywhere. It just wouldn't stay in the applicator.
So I wait until my darling children are in bed and I approach James with a bowl of room temperature yogurt, a spoon and a smile.

"I need you to do something for me."
"Um...."
"I need you to take this yogurt and place it gently into my lady room."
"I... I don't know if...."
"Don't ask questions. I Googled it. It's totally legit."
"Okay."
He's such a good sport.
So I'm lying there and James is eyeballing the lady room and he says,
"How do I get it in there?"
"I dunno. I thought maybe you could think of something."
...........
"I'm drawing a blank."
"I guess just kinda spoon it in there, like feeding a baby or something."
..............
"Okay."

I'll spare you the gory details (ha ha ha) but after much laughing and some hand sanitizer, I was good to go.
So I lay on a towel in bed and we settled in.
Now, as any of you ladies know, liquid to semi-liquid substances eventually escape the lady room.
After about an hour, you can draw your own conclusions. Then I'm ready for bed so I roll over and James curls up behind me.

We have a nightly routine. We say our good nights, kiss, then roll over or cuddle for a minute.
Then we fart and go to sleep.
I dunno, it's like clockwork or something.
So, in my routine, I fart. Quite impressively, if I do say so myself.
And in the dark James says,
"Did you just..... FART YOGURT on me??"
"Yeah, it got on me too."
(Silence)
"So, are you turning on the light or am I?"
"I guess you'd better do it. I'm kinda... stunned."

So the next day we both agreed I would just bite the bullet and go to the clinic and get that nasty gel gunk to get this hellishness over with. So I did. And we lived happily ever after.
The end.

Lessons From Babysitting

• HOLY CRAP. HIDE EVERYTHING.
• Little fingers make HUGE messes.
  
• Little bottoms make HUGE messes.
• Little people produce MASSIVE amounts of mucus.
• Sweet grin = nasty diaper.
• "But MOM!! It keeps FOLLOWING ME!!"
• Granny's house is a suitable refuge from chaos.
• Don't bother cleaning house. REALLY.
• Close all doors.
  
• Carrying them is easier than walking over them and hearing them cry.
• Get a simple car seat. Practice daily.
• Consider buying cases of air freshener.
• Don't say "Throw the ball!" unprepared.
• Crunch, crunch go the Goldfish.
• Nap time? HA!!!

Family Ties

Today I'm participating in a mass blogging! WOW! Women On Writing has gathered a group of blogging buddies to write about family relationships. Why family relationships? We're celebrating the release of Therese Walsh's debut novel today. The Last Will of Moira Leahy, (Random House, October 13, 2009) is about a mysterious journey that helps a woman learn more about herself and her twin, whom she lost when they were teenagers. Visit The Muffin to read what Therese has to say about family relationships and view the list of all my blogging buddies. And make sure you visit Therese's website to find out more about the author.

Sometimes family ties can seem more like family anchors, chains, tethers, rubber bands... you know. Fortunately for me I have a pretty good relationship with all of my family. Also, fortunately, they are all varied and fun and odd in their own way. For today, according to the above, I would like to spotlight:
LILITH.
Daughters are great. Daughters are fun. Daughters are cute and sweet and THEY CAN DRIVE YOU INSANE. Now normally she and I can relate on the mother/daughter level, usually when she hoists herself up to my level and tries to push her limits. Which is a... daily... occurrence. But I love her anyway. In fact I find it quite humorous when she defends Caleb (MOM, don't blame him! He's just a kid!), plays peacemaker (Ok Caleb, now tell Mom you're sorry...) and boss (MOM, he doesn't NEED a time out!), or just plain defiant (I don't have to do homework today. Or EVER.). But my favorite role of hers is poor, pitiful, mistreated, unloved child. She usually pulls this at bedtime.

"MOOOOOOM!!!"
"What?"
"Can I have ONE more hug?"
"Lily, I've already given you three. It's time to go to bed."
"But MOOOOOM!!"
"Go to sleep Lily."
"But..."
"No."
(You see, there never really is one more hug. It keeps going and going.)
--silence--
"MOOOOOM!!"
--ignoring her--
"MOOOOOM!!"
--still ignoring her--
"Whaaaat?"
--still not saying anything--
"WHAAAAAT?!"
--giggling--
"MOOOOM!! I have to tell you something!!"
"Go to sleep!"
"But.... can I ask you a question?"
"Ask me tomorrow."
Caleb: "Mom she won't be quiet so I can go to sleep!"
"He's being noisy too!"
"Lily you're the only one who is making noise!"
"But.... WAH!!!!"

So we play this game for about ten minutes until she decides her act isn't worth pursuing. It is especially humorous when she is really tired and throws in remarks such as "You don't EVER come in here!" and "But I won't stop crying until you hug me again!" But I have to remember that she's just a little girl and little girls have drama just like big girls. Little girls only have their mother to let it all out to, and that's okay. At least she doesn't pull the guilt trip thing a la Caleb. More on him tomorrow!