Vacation Time

Well, the kids are at Nana's this week, and James is at work, and I should be happy but really I'm kind of bored. Sometimes I go in their room and yell "Stop that or I'll spank you both!" just to get it out of my system. It doesn't help when they won't talk to me on the phone either. Caleb screams and runs away, and Lily usually says something along the lines of "Can she call back later?" or "Maybe in a little bit." It baffles me because while Caleb has never really been the talky type, Lily sure as heck is, but not lately. Just one of those things I guess.
James and I cleaned out our closet last night. Now I can walk from one side of the closet to the other, and I don't have to hang on to the doorway and lean way in to get his empty hangers. How did he get back there to get his shirts anyway?

Vag Finder 2

Lately Lily has been having some discomfort "down below," so I've been trying to teach her about female hygienics in a six year old way. She's started taking showers by herself now, and I started by explaining that we need to keep that area clean so it won't "get sick" and so on. I told her to prop one leg up, stand under the shower stream and splash water down there to "wash" it. She looked at me, and in all seriousness said:
"You can open it?!!"
Girl there's lots of things you can do with it, goodness knows your brother yanks on his enough, but that's another talk for another day.

RANT: Castrate Him!!

I learned recently that the sperm donor has claimed victim number three. SOMEONE CASTRATE THIS GUY!!! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! Seriously! If he hasn't taken care of his other two children, WHAT IN THE WORLD makes you think he's going to take care of another? The Pill, people!! Condoms, sponges, Ziploc baggies!! Anything!!
The sad thing is that one day Lily is going to want to know about him and if he has any other children and I'll have to tell her that I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE HE GOT SOMEONE PREGNANT ABOUT EVERY THREE YEARS SINCE YOU WERE BORN AND I LOST TRACK OF THEM ALL. I think I'll start a club. The ZIMSD Club (Z. Is My Sperm Donor). No club fees, because I know you're all buying diapers and formula. Free T-shirts so we can all go together to knock down his door and drag him to court. C'mon, we'll arrange play dates or something.
That's all.

Christmas 2007

Well Christmas this year went pretty smoothly. My kids made out like bandits, we traveled the prerequisite 800 miles, and James and I get some time away from the kids. True to tradition, here is a vague rundown of what we got:

• Hi-Ho Cherry-O! -- The kids love the game, though Lily's sing song "Hiii Hoooo Cherrry Oohhhh!" can get a little annoying.
• Two Candy lands, Twister Moves (should be interesting), Junkyard Jalopy and Littlest Pet Shop games.
• A million Hanna Montana Barbies and a fully equipped Barbie house (so many small pieces....).
• Four remote controlled cars, 80 Matchbox cars, and a Transformers bed set.
• Candy, candy and more candy. Which reminds me, my parents always gave us oranges and nuts in our stockings... wtf??
• Clothes, hair dowdies and hats.
• Two race car tracks.
  
• A bunch of other stuff that I can't remember.
  
  As for us, we got:
• A wine rack.
• PS2 games.
• A family heirlooms fill-out book.
• Money (always welcomed).
• Candy, candy and peanuts.
• Six rolls of wrapping paper for only 45 cents a piece from Wal-Mart's after Christmas sale (oh wait, I bought those... still exciting though!)
• An extra six pounds. *sigh*
• A collage from Melissa that is so cute!
  
• Paintings that my grandmother painted that I have always wanted.
• I got to see my babies!!
  We got to see a lot of family, friends and consume large amounts of food. I don't know why I gripe about Christmas, I always wind up loving it.
  

Five Fun Things To Do While Your Children Are Away

1. Listen to your husband play his new PS2 games and try to imagine what scene he's reacting to.
2. Play hide and seek with the guinea pig.
   **Note: He hides and you do the seeking.
3. Wash, dry, fold and put away every cloth or cloth-like object in your house.
4. Sort the kid's toys and give most to the Salvation Army.
5. Play "Where Is That Smell Coming From?"
   
   For some added fun, call the AT&T internet people, make up a problem with your computer, and contradict every suggestion they make.
   

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Christmas. Again.
Can't we just skip a year? I guess I shouldn't be so pessimistic. It's just that:

1. I finished buying all my presents in June, and then someone pops up and says "Hey! Let's do a Chinese/Japanese/Korean Christmas exchange!" or "Hey! Let's exchange ornaments!!" So I made my exchange ornaments. I guess I should reserve some cash for such instances, but alas, I will repeat the lesson until it is learned.

2. "What do you want for Christmas?" I don't know! I like Olive Garden, Wal-Mart and Dollar General, so get me some gift cards! "Oh, but you must want something else..." Not really. I like to eat and save money. That's about it. Unless you can pony up for a Caribbean cruise or a laptop....

3. "What do the kids/husband want?" I don't know that either! The first two are 6 and 3, anything you get them they'll like! The third is a big kid at heart, so he'll like anything you give him too! He's really partial to chicken pot pies!

4. Five families having dinners and present exchanges at seventeen different places in six different cities in one day. C'mon people! Although I have to give kudos to mom and Granny for rounding nearly everybody up for one day this year.

5. Christmas music. Bah humbug. I don't know why, but Christmas music drives me bonkers, and guess who loves it and has to hear it every time we get into the car or they'll throw a double tantrum fit? Yup, that would be my kids.

6. Thinking about this Christmas reminds me that James will be gone for next Christmas, and all the other soldiers who aren't with their families this year.

7. Christmas lunch/dinner/next day's breakfast. All very tasty, all very fattening. Eating salad while everyone else is eating turkey and dressing just isn't fair!!

8. The freaking tree, man. I'm redecorating every day because my three year old likes to take the ornaments off and play with them. I also had to hunt down the stockings and rehang them today. At least I don't have a cat that tears down the lights, though.

9. Cold, cold, cold. Good grief! Can't we move Christmas to June? My coat makes me look fat.

10. Travel. Four hours in the car with two screaming kids and Dora the Explorer? Where's that special eggnog?

But.... I have to remember that:
1. Chinese exchanges usually turn out to be fun.

2. I'll get at least one interesting gift this year and

3. so will my kids and husband.

4. I'll get to see a lot of family that I haven't seen in years.

5. Christmas music gets the kids singing and that's pretty funny!
("Up onna roof is reindeers, with Santa and toys, comin' down the chinney he makes noise...")

6. James will be home for Christmas 2009 and many more, and hopefully the war will be over soon.

7. I can practice portion control and not gain too much weight.

8. The tree sure is pretty all lit up and stuff.

9. I'll still look fat in my coat, but maybe it will snow.

10. Benadryl, baby. Double doses for everyone!!

Let's not forget the best reason for enduring the holiday hustle: the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Singing In The Rain

Lily has started taking showers by herself, and boy does she belt out the tunes!
"Woo loo LOOOOO, surprises for YOOOOO, and me TOOOOO!!"

Caleb has a pillow that he loves a la Linus. It is red, white and blue with stars on it and it is the ugliest thing I think a kid could be attached to. He takes that thing everywhere: out of town, taking Lily to school, Wal-Mart, friend's houses, you name it. Recently I overheard Caleb say something quite interesting while hugging his pillow:
"I really love my Holly B (our last name)."
Um, wait a minute! "What?"
So he said it again: "I love my Holly B."
"Who is Holly B?" I asked.
"My pillow, Mom!"
So the whole day he goes around saying I love Holly B, Holly B is my best friend, let's eat lunch Holly B and so on. What makes this incredibly ironic is Holly is the name of James' ex wife! All day I had to listen to him raving about Holly, all the while trying to decide if I should correct him or not. Would that be correcting? Probably just mindful prodding. When Lily got home, I asked her why Caleb kept calling his pillow Holly B, and she said because it was close to Christmas time.
"Huh?"
"Christmas means you kiss people under the holly bush Mom!"
"You mean mistletoe."
"It's a holly bush."
"Ok."
Then I felt better.

Oh, The Insanity

Dear Ms. Beddo,

It has come to our attention that your account with us has become 60 days past due. As of December 10th, 2007, you owe us a total of $1.57. Your prompt attention to this matter is appreciated, as accounts past due by 90 days or more WILL BE REPORTED TO ALL THREE MAJOR CREDIT BUREAUS. Thank you.

Sincerely,
(illegible scrawl)
Accounts Manager of We'reSoBroke, LLC


Seriously, are they really hurting so bad that me not paying $1.57 is going to cost this guy his job?! It would cost more to pay someone to process my check than the account balance is worth!