The Magic Of Three

I survived a day with two 3 year olds today, Skylar and Caleb. Now Skylar I could write a whole book on, she's so... interesting. Anyway, I was upstairs blogging and my phone started ringing downstairs. Being the loaf that I am, I yell at Caleb to get the phone and answer it for me.
"Where is it?"
"On the bookshelf!"
--runs into his room--
"I can't find it!"
"It's in the living room on the bookshelf!"
--runs back into the living room--
"Where?"
"On the bookshelf!"
"I can help! I hear it!" says Skylar.
"Where's the bookshelf?"
"It's about seven foot tall with all of Mommy's books on it!"
"I still hear it!"
--phone quits ringing--
"Mom, it stopped!"
"OK. Never mind."
"You've got voicemail!" says my phone.
"The mail is here!"
"Yeah, let's go check the mail!"
--Caleb gathers his pillow and joins Skylar, in her ballerina costume, at the front door--
"Mom, let's go get the mail!"
So they fight the whole way to the mailbox over who gets to be the leader and all I got was junk mail.

A little while later, Caleb comes to me crying because the VCR is spitting out the tapes and turning itself off. I go over and inspect it, lift the door thing, hit it a few times, try a tape, and turn it off. "Well, you're just going to have to watch DVD's until Daddy gets home," I say. Skylar comes up to me wanting to watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas, a VHS.
"Skylar, that won't work."
"Why?"
"Because the VCR isn't working."
"But I want to watch this green guy!"
"Yeah I know, but it won't work in the VCR right now."
"Why?"
"Because it is broken."
"But... I wanted to watch this."
"Yes. I know. But you can't."
--Looking hurt--
"Why?"
--Deep breath--
"Because the VCR is broken."
"It's broken?"
"Yup."
"But..."
"Hey, do you like Barney?! Barney is on DVD!"
"Yeah!!"
The art of distraction.

Fat Vag

Fatty fatty, two by four
Couldn't fit in the thong from the store!
Looks so much better lying in the drawer
Should have gone up one size more!
Woe is me...

Magic With The B's

Recently the kids, my friend and her kids and I went to a Halloween themed magic show. At one point the magician asked for a volunteer from the audience, and guess who he picked? Yup. Lily.
"Come on up here little girl, what's your name?"
"My name is Lily."
"Hi, Lily! Are you ready to...."
"That's my brother Caleb. He's three. And there is Skylar, she's three too. And...."
"OK Lily, shuffle this deck of cards for me will you?"
What five year old knows how to shuffle a deck of cards?!
Three minutes..... four...
"OK Lily, go down into the audience and pick someone out."
Walks down there.... picks a two year old.....
"Let's pick an adult. How about you sir? Pick a card, any card!"
Picks a card.
"OK, now tear the corner off, remember your card, and put it back in the deck."
Complies, Lily walks back onto the stage.
"OK Lily now I have a question. Are you brave?"
"Uh... yeah!"
"OK. Here's my magic wand. I want you to point it to the black hat over there, say 'Abba Babba!' and wake up my pet snake Mike."
Points wand to hat, says abba babba.
"Hum, I guess you'll have to say it higher so he can hear you."
Raises wand, says abba babba.
"Um, I mean raise your voice so he can--"
Raises wand further up and says in a low voice abba babba, which send Melissa and I into giggles in the back row.
"Well, maybe he woke up that time. Why don't you go check?"
Looks at him very suspiciously.....
"Lily, are you brave?"
"Uh, yeah!"
"Go see if Mike is awake."
Walks over there, gets to the hat, out of which springs a fake snake, holding the torn card. She flies back across the stage, scared but excited. All the kids scream.
"Very good Lily! You woke up Mike! Look, he even has your card! Here, you can keep it, there you go!"
Lily goes back to her seat, clearly overjoyed with her 15 minutes of fame.
Well, it didn't go as bad as I thought it might.... whew.

That Holy Feeling 6

The Amish. I don't really know who they are or what they do, but I do know that on October 2, 2006, a man went to an Amish school and shot five students and then himself. This is an excerpt from the book Amish Grace:
"How did the Amish decide so quickly to extend forgiveness?
'You mean some people actually thought we got together to plan forgiveness?' chuckled Katie, a seventy-five year old grandmother....
'Forgiveness was a decided issue,' explained Bishop Eli. 'It's just what we do.... It was spontaneous... It was not a new kind of thing.' Forgiveness for Roberts and grace for his family had begun as spontaneous expressions of faith, not as mandates from the church.
'Why is everybody all surprised?' asked one Amish man. 'It's just standard forgiveness; it's what everybody should be doing.'"

What a definition of faith in God! Loyalty as Beth Moore defines it:
"Loyalty is when a sudden temptation poses a question of character, if we have true conviction, we don't have to consider how we'll react. The question is already answered; we just act upon it!"

That Holy Feeling 5

I've been reading a book by Beth Moore called Believing God. It's about believing God, not just passive believing in God. At one point she gave her readers this challenge:

1. Say the Pledge of Faith as many times per day as you can.
2. Record at least one Godstop per day (Godstops are instances where you see God working in or around your life).
3. Give up something for a set amount of time to further your personal sanctification toward God.

The first two were relatively easy. The last one... not so. I like everything in my life and I don't want to give any of it up!! Except for... these 50 pounds or so. Hmm... so, after some prayer I decided that for 40 days (since some significant stuff was accomplished in 40 days in the Bible) I would give up junk food, including but not limited to:

• ALL fast food
• Cookies, cake, pie
• White breads
• Crackers, tortillas, etc. (whole wheat is ok)
  
• Ice cream
• Excessive amounts of peanut butter
• Chocolate

I'm not doing this to put myself on a diet per se, but because it is something I have struggled with for a long time and I think it may be hindering my walk with God. How can you develop a friendship with someone if you're constantly thinking, talking and worrying about food and fat? Wish me luck, y'all. Taco Bell is sounding soooo good right now.....

Who Came Up With This Crap???

Who invented money? Why can't we all go back to bartering with salt and paprika? I could pay my car off quick, because HEB had a nice salt sale going on this week.
I, being the financial planner of this marriage, have decided that we need to:

1. Pay off our debts.
2. Start an emergency fund.
3. Load our retirement funds.
4. Buy a new car.
5. Buy a house.

To do that, we need to be making a bit more than $2K a month. So, when Caleb gets in school I plan on going to school, if we can afford it. What am I going for, you ask. I don't know. I wanted to be a nurse, but people tend to bleed, puke, and poop on nurses. A teacher would be nice, but 20 screaming six year olds is not my idea of fun, and strangling teenagers isn't either. Then I thought of psychology but, to quote a friend of mine, "I'd be scared to be in a room with some of those crazy people!!" Hey, we're not all that bad. I also thought about being an accountant or financial planner. AARRGGHH!!! Numbers!! But then I checked out this book, financial planning for retards or something, and I kind of got into stocks, bonds, the market, IRA's and stuff. I think it pays good, I guess I should figure that out too.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not money hungry; after all, money is the root of all evil. But money can be the root of a pretty pear tree too. A cluster of pears being a home, another pear a car, one each for private tuition for the kids, and a trunk of retirement so I can devote all my time taking care of my crazy mom when she starts to REALLY go, since it is apparent that I have been nominated for the job (thanks, Taryn!).
But we're in a pretty good situation to start off in. We only have $8,000 in debt (the car), $1,000 in an emergency fund, and $2,000 in a Roth IRA, not counting his military retirement and a couple other employer retirement accounts). I figured up last night that if we save $300 a month until this car is paid off (48 months), we would have a nice chunk of change ($14,400) to pay for a new car. Thus not incurring any more debt. Now, if we could double that, we'd have a new car and a sizable down payment for a house. Then we could really start focusing on retirement and tuition and stuff.
Ah, the dreams I have. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out every time James spends $5.47 at Wendy's!! "James! We have lunch meat!! There goes our Honda Civic!! Geez!!" Easy, girl.

Rub-A-Dub-Dub

So last night I was feeling my age and decided to take a nice, hot bath with my new Aloe Vera bath beads. I turned on the water and cruised the Internet for a little bit. I went back in the bathroom and added my beads, turned the water off. Then I went to get in and KERPLOOSH!!! Half of the water spilled out over the sides and onto the floor. Guess a five foot by one foot bathtub can't hold 50 gallons of water and a 220 lb. woman. FINE. I didn't want that much water in here anyway!
So I go about my business and lay down to get my hair wet. Guess what? KERPLOOSH!! There goes another 20 gallons or so. Way to stroke the old ego there. By now I'm frustrated and not at all relaxed, so I wash my hair and soap up my washcloth. I get my upper body done but now I have to raise my lower body to wash it. I decide I don't have the arm strength to put my hands on either side of the bathtub and push myself up so I bend my left leg, and turn so that my other leg lengthens with the intention to thus get on my knees and stand from there (I was tired y'all). But now.... I'm stuck. My butt and my knee have me in a strange sort of vice grip and I..... can't really move. After cursing a little I grab the box of bath beads and pour the rest over me, lathering me up so my knee could slip an inch or so and break the boxing in it had created with my butt. I decided that the bath beads made my lower half clean enough and just got out. I think I'll stick with showers from now on....

The Twelve Days Of Being Rich

On the first day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"I really need a new toy for me!"
On the second day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"This car isn't what it used to be..."
On the third day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Let's go to the sea!"
On the fourth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Look at this new CD!"
On the fifth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Wouldst thou like something for thee?"
On the sixth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"This apartment sucks. I would like to leave."
On the seventh day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"There's this motorcycle I would like to see...."
On the eighth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"For Halloween what do I want to be?"
On the ninth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Did you say you like Bonsai trees?"
On the tenth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"These couches look like big old heaps."
On the eleventh day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"We could acquire a deed!"
On the twelfth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"All this spending sure is tiring!"

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!!

I was sifting through all the stuff that James accumulated throughout his deployment in Egypt, and I came across some letters that I'd sent him. One started out with the usual "Hey how are you, we're good, the kids are great" stuff. Then I came across these snippets of conversation:
"My vagina emailed me and wanted a loan so she could buy a one way ticket to Egypt. I told her I would have to pull some strings."
"I'm about to die without a cigarette or a candy bar."
"My libido has acquired a spear and declared war. Pray for the troops!!"

"Don't worry, your kids are fine....."
Anyway, on another note isn't it funny how sex changes after you've been married a while? At first the big "trend" was for guys to be able to "go for HOURS." Not after four years. I mean call me weird but after 20 minutes it kinda gets boring (and if you have kids and it's been 20 minutes, you probably better finish up quickly anyway). I like to get done and, uh, STOP. None of this "recoup or warm up for round two" crap. There IS no round two. I'm done. If you're not, well I guess that's why you were born with hands. I want some ice cream and t.v.
Another "trend" was the whole size thing. You know, the bigger the better. Now I'm no fan of the barely-there fellows when it comes to the bedroom (I'm not sorry, get over it), but if he comes at me with a can of Coke or a Sequoia that just ain't gonna fly. Some women have cervices you know.
Yet another "trend" was to introduce new moves to the bedroom scene in the hopes of turning on your partner. After marriage and two kids, if just the fact that he's getting any at all doesn't turn him on then he's got problems. Further, some stuff I am not physically able to do no matter how "tantric" or "mind blowing" it may be. You try to get an elephant to stand on its elbows. Not gonna happen. So forget it.
"Trend" three is the having-sex-four-times-a-day phenomena that disappears after the conception of your first child. I don't care how horny you are, if it's your birthday or our anniversary, after 20 minutes LEAVE ME ALONE.
I'm glad I married a man who understands me and has almost the same needs/wants. I'm sure not many other guys out there would be as tolerable. Poor guy.

What My Parents Taught Me

• Raising three kids with little income SUCKS. But it is doable.
• Butter tubs can be washed and reused like a million times. So can dish towels.
  
• You can put a whole week's leftovers in a big pot, add some noodles and call it goulash. They'll eat it or they'll starve.
• With some juggling, you CAN keep four checks from bouncing before pay day.
• Three kids, two dogs, four cats, two pigs, one goat and eight chickens are just plain fun.
• You can fit a potbellied pig in the back of a 1993 Pontiac station wagon, though getting the smell out is kind of tricky.
• Spray painting said station wagon gray looks tacky.
  
• You can stretch laundry detergent twice as long if you dilute it.
• Speaking of laundry, who needs fancy dryer sheets?
• The "look" does exist.
• Sometimes, you just don't want to know what your kids were up to while you were gone.
  
• Deer are especially attracted to big green minivans.
  
• If all else fails, drag them to the country.
• Get one great dog for your kids to grow up with.
• Keep giving away the cats.
• Seventeen cats = millions of fleas. Better just move.
• If what you did to get in trouble makes mom laugh, she probably won't punish you.
  
• When you can't find your mom or that tub of ice cream, it's probably best to let her be lost for a while.
• If your eyes wonder for half a second in Wal-Mart, it will take you 2 hours to find your mom again.
  
• Lifelong friends are to be cherished... especially when they have really embarrassing stories to tell about you.
• You only need a minimal amount of toilet paper for your small butt.
• Swamp coolers ROCK.
• Behave in church. Mom can pinch with her toes.
  

To be continued......
***Notes from Mom***
Its so funny hearing my memories retold by you guys! (Wait until it happens to you.) By the way...2 different station wagons. I got Percy home in a Tracer 4 door hatchback, like a mini-mini station wagon. The big, ugly gray thing was a big, ugly gray thing, the difference is people thinking that we put a little pot-bellied pig in a big station wagon when actually I put a 150 lb hog in the back of an economy hatchback.

Gotta give credit where credit is due.

Harvard, Here We Come!!

I had to look y'all.
The 27 cents I mentioned before came from.... get ready.....
THE CHILD SUPPORT PEOPLE.
Oh, please!!!!
Did they REALLY think she was going to benefit from 27 CENTS?!!
Let's see, if I put that into the money market account (assuming I could find a bank that would let me open one with just 27 cents) it will earn 0.012 cents interest per month. That would be roughly 14 cents per year (not including compounding interest because I don't have that much time on my hands). Further, in ten years it will skyrocket to $1.44 and by the time she graduates, the account will be worth a whopping $1.68. Can I get a whoop whoop!!!!
Stupid people. I should complain, but man I don't want to lose that 27 cents!!!

P.S. Can you guess which book I borrowed from the library?

Rolling In Dough

I logged into our bank account tonight and I saw that we got a credit of $0.27 put into our account. Woooo. I don't think I'll even write that in the checkbook register, or even look to see where it came from.

On another note, I had a conference with Lily's teacher today. She's still smart, I'm still puzzled. She scored a 737 on the STAR literacy test (up from a 676 last year) and behaves herself most of the time. Well, at least she is good for her teacher.

Caleb and I are still potty training. Sometimes when he's doing his poop dance I catch him and sit him on the toilet, where he cries until I let him get off or he poops. Most of the time I try to start a conversation with him to get his mind off of pooping and hopefully relax him. So I asked him about the Nature Center that Mimi took the kids too not long ago:
"Hey Caleb! Did you go to the NATURE CENTER?"
"Yeah!"
"You did? What did you see?"
"I sawed animals on the wall, they were kind of dead, and I sawed birds, and turtles..."
"Did you see any lizards?"
"Yeah!"
"Did you hold it?"
"No, Sissy did. And the other turtles was sleeping and..... MOM!!"
"What?"
"We already talked about this!!"
"Well I want to hear about it again!"
"No. We already talked about this."
So I didn't get to hear about it again. Bummer.

Eeewww! I just realized that I forgot to put on deodorant this morning!!
This week was Aunt Flo's week. I usually go about four months of just a little here, a little there and then month five is catch up time. IN A MAJOR WAY. I cannot get enough space, quiet, pizza and water. My boobs hurt, my stomach hurts, I have gas and poop problems, and I'm bleeding too. I spent the last week sitting on the couch with my Domino's pizza, a gallon of water and a John Irving book. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?!! James has the BALLS to start kissing on me and stuff. Yeah right! What part of me growling "You no get 'um, go find kids, play all day" does he not get? The kids were even being good because they sensed all was not right in Uteropia.
I finally felt half way human on Sunday and we went bowling. James scored 157, Lily 84, Caleb 67, and me.... 52. Bowling is so not my sport.

I have gotten sick of being fat. I mean it this time y'all. I have actually done Pilates FOUR DAYS IN A ROW!! Next up, my Tae Bo. Yeah!! And I actually ate a carrot today! Woo hoo!!!

Number Jungle

Nowadays in kindergarten they teach them their phone number and address, which is good but kind of a hassle. Of course, Lily is just too smart for this sort of thing. This is what her teacher told me. When she asked if anyone knew their phone number, Lily said: "Yes. My number is 2."
"But your phone number can't be 2."
"Yes it is!!"
"No, there's more than one number in your phone number."
"Oh, it is 2 and then TALK."
"Let's learn your whole phone number."
"My number is 2 and than TALK. Nana's is 3, and Mimi's is 4. Taryn is 5 and my friend Skylar is 9."
You see, my cell phone has speed dial, and I taught Lily who is on which number because I got tired of her bringing the phone to me and asking me to dial a certain person for her. Plus, every person she meets she wants to give our phone number to, and so I told her to tell her friends her phone number was 2.
Now I have to rewire her brain to accommodate this information, which is baffling her.
"But Mom. YOU SAID my phone number was 2."
"I know."
"So I said 2!"
"But it's not. It's really a long number."
"So.... you LIED to me?"
"Oh good grief...."
To help her remember the real phone number, I made up a little rhyme since she's been on a rhyming thing lately ("Mom! SNOT and POT! They RHYME!!"). It goes something like this:
**5, I've got the vibe!
**8, I'm getting them straight!
***3, that's the number for me!
I thought it was good but she just looked at me weird, even when I tried to convince her it was cool and she could even dance to it if she wanted. She wasn't buying it. She just went on drawing and said
"Mom. You look so funny."

***Notes from Mom***
There's nothing like having your kids make you feel stupid.

My Mimi Moment 2

"Hey babe."
"Yeah?"
"You put our anniversary on the calendar on the 23rd."
"Yup."
"It's on the 27th."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Here, let me fix it....."
--grabs pen and draws an arrow from the 23rd to the 27th--
"That looks nice."
"You know what's really funny?"
"What?"
"There's a plaque right over there on the wall that says
'United In Love
James and Talia
September 27th, 2003'."

Pieces Of Me

I got this wild crack head idea yesterday that I would try waxing my legs for the following reasons:
1. We're going out for our anniversary this weekend.
2. The waxing strips were on sale.
3. If this went terribly wrong, I'd have one really funny blog to write.
Guess what happened.
So I buy the crap and get home and prop my leg on the coffee table because I'm really out of shape and I can't put my feet on the floor and bend over my gut to see my legs. I follow the directions:
Rub the strip between your hands to warm it.
Place it on the leg.
Rub in the direction of hair growth for five seconds.
Rip it off.
Honestly, it didn't hurt that bad. I liked ripping off my epidermis, which is exactly what happened. I lost the first layer of skin BUT NO HAIR. Tell me how that's possible! It's not! Only for me! So now the only thing that works to remove my leg hair is shaving. I've tried depilatories, all of them, and now cold waxing. With the results I got, I won't be trying hot wax any time soon. I tried re-waxing, but that was kinda hurting. Plus, the following objects were now glued to the coffee table:
My foot.
My cell phone.
Six wax strips.
A washcloth.
A child.
(Hey, she wanted to stick her finger on it, so I let her. I bet she doesn't do it again!)
So I gave up and went upstairs and shaved my legs. Now, I don't know if the waxing, the shaving or an allergic reaction contributed to my results, but here they are:

I hope you can see the pieces of my skin that are missing/flaking off. So much for "Sexy, smooth legs for up to four weeks!!" This sh*t hurts.
P.S.
You can click on them to make them bigger. The third one really is AWESOME.

Little Boy Blue

I woke up this morning..... and Caleb's legs were blue.
Apparently, he'd gotten up in the night and decided to eat some blueberries. Only one got into his mouth I'm guessing, because seven were smashed into his sheet and t-shirt. The sheets were salvageable because they were already blue. But his shirt, a white one that James brought from Egypt, was not. Hey at least they didn't get on the carpet, right? Oh, and did you know that blueberries stain skin too? He still has blue splotches on his legs. They look like Arabian chicken pox or something.

Now that Lily is in school, Caleb and I have had more time together, and I am really beginning to see his personality emerge. He loves to be read to, which is great but kind of frustrating sometimes, like when I'm in the bathroom. Oh, and he's discovered The Pagemaster. Uuuggghhh! He's watched that stinking movie 18 times in one week!! What's worse is he alternates with Jumanji, which is equally irritating. "Mom! Look at the rinotherous! An the elefunts!! They running!! De monkeys are getting in trouble. Dere momma gonna spank dem."

In the potty training area, we're still working on getting him to poop in the toilet. I've run out of ideas. I'm not using maxi pads in his underwear anymore because I got tired of changing his tighty whiteys when he "missed." Now another problem has emerged: he can't keep the stream in the toilet! I am constantly wiping pee off the seat and floor, then assailing it with Lysol ("Mom, dere's smoke in here!"). I think his problem is he gets going and then gets distracted, but when I try to keep him on target he says "Stop looking at me, Mom!"
"Well, keep your pee in the potty!"
"I'm trying but it just goes EVERYWHERE!"
He cracks me up.

Travelling With The B's

"Mom, what town are we in?"
"Cleburne."
"What comes after Cleburne?"
"I don't know."
"What comes after I don't know?"
"I said I don't know."
"What comes after I said I don't know?"
"Lily!"
"What comes after Lily?"
"A spanking."
"What comes after a spanking?"
"Lily stop!"
"What comes after Lily stop?"
--silence--
"Mom."
--quiet--
"Mom!"
--nothing--
"MOM!!"
"What?!"
"Are we still in Cleburne?"
"Yes, Lily."
"What comes after Cleburne?"

Conversation With My Body 2

"Heeeelllpppp meeeeee........"
"Did you hear that?"
"Heeeellllpppp meeee...."
"Who is making that racket?"
"I think it's Body."
"Oh good grief, what now?"
"Heeellllppp meeeee......"
"What do you want?"
"Thank goodness you're here! Throw me a line!"
"What?"
"I'm drowning!! Help me!!"
"You are not drowning, Body."
"How would you know? You just sit up there all day and think, think think...."
"Oh really. Tell me, how can you be drowning if you're not even near a body of water?"
"I'm drowning in FRUIT and VEGETABLES and WHOLE GRAINS!!"
"I'm out of here."
"You know what would save me? A double cheeseburger. It floats! And some fries for paddles would be nice."
"Whatever."
"No don't go! Seriously!! I need help!"
"You need a heavy sedative."
"Get me that cheeseburger before I DIE!!!"

RE: Kindergarten

This came from my cousin Lauren after she read my post about kindergarten:

"Tell Tally everybody in the office says she needs to
put together a book! So stinking hilarious!
It's even better that we're the same age and go
through some of the same life situations around the
same time. Man, that girl makes me laugh!!"

Okay, first of all, the "Tally." GAG. I hate that nickname. It makes me think of tally mark, tally whacker or tally sticks. Second, she may have two kids around the same age as mine, but we DO NOT go through the same life situations. Her kids are angels compared to mine. How many times has one covered the other with diaper rash cream? Or smothered the guinea pig with hand sanitizer? Or painted the walls with their feces? Or killed two pets? Or stopped up the bathtub with toilet paper?
When her kids come around I see well behaved, polite, clean little people.
When my kids come around people usually scramble to get away, especially the cashiers at Wal-Mart.

Camping With The B's

Every Labor Day a friend of ours has a camp out on her ranch and we usually try to go, if no major calamities occur. Holy Cheez Whiz, what was I thinking?!
We got down to the campsite, which is by a river and in the middle of nowhere and set up camp. We'd gotten a four man tent and a queen size air mattress, and there wasn't much room for our stuff. Do you know how much crap you have to pack to go camping? Good grief! We had two big bags, a cooler, three bags of non-cooler food, pillows, the mattress and tent, chairs, and sheets just to name a few items. We hardly had room for the kids in the car. So we stuff everything into the tent and the kids immediately find the "dirt pit," which is a pile of dirt that leads down to the river. Red dirt, not regular dirt. But this is our vacation, right? I let them play.
Soon it was time for bed. It had been raining off and on all day so we had to put the rain tarp over the tent, then we all piled in (after we peed in the bushes, mind you).
Let me tell you just in case you were wondering.... two adults and two kids cannot sleep comfortably on a queen size air mattress. Well, one adult and two kids can, but I couldn't. I had to sleep by Lily, which is like sleeping with an octopus because she snuggles up to you and the more you try to get away from her the more arms and legs she sprouts to hang onto you with. Plus, it was hotter than Hades in that freaking tent, and I cannot sleep when I am sweating. So I tossed and turned until, oh, three a.m. Every time I got away from Lily I got uncomfortable and had to roll over, which meant she rolled down into the hole I created while sitting up to turn over. Then I have to try and push her back up "the hill" while rolling over the opposite way and.... it was a big mess. Plus every time I moved everyone else moved, and that made me feel nice and fat.
In case you didn't know, my kids get up at the butt crack of dawn, and James sleeps until noon if he doesn't have to work. So guess who got up with the kids? Yup. It was me. We're up and we all get dressed in the little bitty tent that only they can stand up in, and they go play in the dirt. James gets up about four hours later, and we have a pretty good day. It was only 95 degrees outside, the kids had three playmates and five Labs to harass plus a pool to swim in, and so far I hadn't had to poop.
And then......
That wench Aunt Flo shows up. Stupid ho. But, I had come prepared, and there was a nice couple down there in a $90,000 travel trailer who let us use their bathroom when we needed to. So now we didn't have to do our business in the woods anymore. Which was great because every time Lily had to pee she would meticulously pick a spot, circle around to make sure it wasn't infested with insects, squat, start peeing, see some ants and jump up screaming while still peeing and inevitably get pee on her shoes as well as mine.
Bedtime again. This time we put the kids to bed with a flashlight and go mingle with the adult folk, who have a karaoke machine, hurricanes and gardaritas or whatever they were called. Soon everyone is drunk except for me, even though I had four fairly good sized drinks, and singing karaoke. It was fun. Then I got bored and went to bed,while James stayed up to croon with the other alley cats.
About an hour later I get up to bring James to bed, because the last time he got drunk he fell in the bathroom and nearly knocked himself unconscious. After searching for a few minutes and not finding him, I start asking the others if they'd seen him. Have you ever tried to get pertinent information from a drunk?
"Hey guys, have y'all seen James?"
--blank looks--
"Um, he was here when I went to bed and now I can't find him."
"Was he drinking?"
"Umm, yeah."
"What was he drinking?"
WTF? "Bud Light."
"Hey, I think this is his beer!" --holds up a can--
"Do you know where he is?"
"No man, I just found it over there on the table and started drinking it."
"Umm, okay, but did you see where he went?"
"He probably had to pee 'cause we gotta pee sometimes."
"Really? That's fascinating."
"What, man?"
"Nothing, man."
So I grab the flashlight and guess where I find him? Sitting in a chair outside our tent. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was sleeping upright because he thought he would puke downright. Then he asked me for the bug spray. I went back to bed. I slept a lot better that night, I guess due to the drinks. The next morning we all get up and eat breakfast, and the kids go play. Soon, they are back, covered in mud. I look at James and ask him if he's ready to leave. He is.
I guess I'm just not the camping type. I don't like bugs that are bigger than my foot, sleeping in an overly crowded hot tent, peeing in a bush, and drinking unidentified drinks in 90 degree weather. It was a pretty good trip, overall, but call me hoity toity, I was ready to go home. Plus I was hormonal, and hormones without air conditioning is just asking for trouble.