That Holy Feeling 13 (Can You Give Us Directions?)

So everyone who reads my blog probably knows that we are a military family. James is in the National Guard, currently deployed to Iraq, and so on. Some of you may know that in the 5.75 years we've been married James has had five careers and a couple I talked him out of. In order, they have been:

Correctional Officer: didn't like working nights out of town.
Sheet Metal Operator Person: don't really know on this one. Came home with a new job one day.
City Water Repair Dude: didn't pay enough, insurance sucked.
Re-Enlist in Marines: didn't go through. Too much red tape.
Firefighter: volunteered; guess that got it out of his system.
National Guard: still doing this, though I figure it's because he HAS to.
Electrician: same as the water dept. Plus, I had to do our own taxes.


We have been discussing our options when he gets back from Iraq, since his contract in the NG will be expired. We weighed the pros and cons of staying in the military:

PROS:
might get to see the world
good, dependable pay
great insurance
retire in his 40's
the uniform
(c'mon, you know I had to put that in there!)

CONS:
probable deployments

We also surveyed the pros and cons of civilian life:

PROS:
no chance of deployment
staying close to the family
um.... no deployments

CONS:
lower paychecks
questionable insurance
retire in his 60's
no uniform :(

I've always kind of been the leader in our relationship, unless James goes off and spontaneously joins the military or some such shenanigans. For a while there I really thought we were supposed to stay in the military. If we had faith, I reasoned, even another deployment would end up being beneficial to us. We'd done it twice already. This would also be an opportune time to strengthen our faith in believing God would keep James at home.

At the same time, I've been working on handing James the proverbial reigns because for one, the Bible says the husband should drive. It's also exhausting making most of the big decisions. So I encouraged both of us to keep our minds open to God's voice and instruction.
Well, I kept running across the Proverb that says "Man makes his plans, but the LORD guides his footsteps." I mean everywhere. Bible study, group study, daily Bible verse emails, normal conversations, you name it. I was like, Okay God, what are you trying to say?

Then, after watching all the goodbyes on James' last day of leave, I decided that no amount of money, insurance, or sight-seeing could compensate for having to tell your children goodbye for a year. Maybe three or four times in their lifetime. So I said something to James about it, and he said, "Yeah, I've been thinking about that too."
"Why didn't you SAY anything?!"
"Well, you just seemed so stuck on me doing the military thing."

Note to men: it helps if you TAKE the reigns when your wife OFFERS them to you.
So I went on ranting that if he had never said anything, we might have gone off on the wrong path and that he needed to speak up often. Then I had promise I wouldn't get mad every time he spoke up. Which kind of makes me wonder....
Anyway.
Then the powers that be signed a new Post 9/11 GI Bill that is completely better than the old one. So I think when James gets back he is going to start school to become who knows what. But God will decide that.
Unless he watches a documentary about astronauts.
Oy vie.

Dieting: Not For The Faint Of Heart

So James has been on this supplement kick for a while now, and while his results do look nice, I don't think supplements are right for me.
Case in point: Arson. Now, before I start taking any sort of supplement, I wanted to check it out to make sure it was safe. No harsh side effects or anything. On the website it flashes:
TORCH FAT!!!
PEELED TO THE BONE CONDITIONING!!!
GET ABSOLUTELY SHREDDED!!!
WITH RAPID WAVE PULSE TECHNOLOGY!!!

Okay, first, are we burning fat or cutting meat? Shredded? Peeled? Wave pulse? Whatever. Now for the ingredient list:

Caffeine
Caffeine
Green Tea Extract
White Willow Bark Extract
5 ingredients that start with Gamma

So... it's a cup of coffee with a special stick in it with some eighteen letter ingredients for flavor?
Awesome.
Now for the directions:

Take three caplets twice a day. Start off taking one caplet once a day, to assess individual tolerance (WTH??). Do not take within five hours of bedtime. Stay hydrated.

And the warnings:

Don't use if you: are under 18, have had a heart attack, are pregnant or nursing, are sensitive to stimulants, are taking antidepressants or an MAOI, or if you have ANY medical condition or have a family history of ANY medical condition. Don't exceed recommended dosage or combine with any other sort of caffeine.

RIGHT. That pretty much eliminates... everyone.
What the heck, you had me at fat burner. So I take one pill and... nothing. James advises me to keep taking them because "they're still doing something, even if you can't feel it." Okay. Three days later I decide to up the dosage and take two. Big mistake. We were at a restaurant.

"Hmm. This place is like really popular. Like, really busy and stuff. Did you know they have a Betta fish IN THE BATHROOM? Seriously! It's all floating around and looking at you while you try to do your business and hey! Look at those lemons! Aren't they pretty? It sure is hot in here. Are you hot? No? Okay. The food here is like so awesome, I'm glad we came here. Maybe we should come back tomorrow too. And the next day! If it's not too busy. This is a pretty busy place. I need more tea. You're not hot? Good grief it's hot in here. I could sure use more tea. Do you know how they make Splenda? It's really quite interesting..."

Yeah. No more of that stuff. James was weirded out and my mother-in-law didn't know what to think. That, and the "crash" was something out of a bad drug movie. Blah.
So I sent it with James. It keeps him "focused." I bet so.

Home Sweet Home

So James just had his two week leave. Now he's back in the sandbox, and not the fun kind either. We had so much fun! The kids had him on the trampoline at least two hours of each day, we ate at every restaurant within a fifty mile radius, visited several family members, went to the IMAX theater in Fort Worth, and chilled out on the couch watching movies most nights. Heaven.
Oh yeah, and the sex part. That was nice too.
The only problem with him taking his leave early was that I and the kids were in school the whole time.

"So... we should take the kids out of school a little early today."
"Um, why?"
"You know, so we can go do stuff."
"Like what?"
"I dunno. We could take them to play putt-putt golf or something."
"You gonna write that on the sign-out sheet?"
"I think they will understand, with their dad being home and all."
.....
"So... I'll go sign them out real quick."
"NOW?"
"Yeah?"
"It's 9:30!!"
"Yeah. Maybe I should wait until eleven."

Now what James couldn't understand was why I didn't want to get them out early every single day he was home. First, I see them all day, every day. Their school hours are my "me" hours. Secondly, there are state laws that require kids being in school most hours of most school days. Sadly, this is true for children of deployed soldiers as well.

"Well they should understand, you know, with me just getting home and all."
"Yes, I know. But state and school laws are a little like military law. Only the brainwashed understand it."
"Well, they should make an exception for our kids."
"I know and you know and everyone else knows, but that isn't going to change the laws by itself."
"Well.... they should just do it. The principal will understand."
"So you want him to risk his job and lie for us to be able to get the kids out of school?"
"I'm pretty sure he would do it."
"You're insane."
-----
(poke,prod,pry)
"Um, excuse me. I'm reading my History textbook."
(poke poke)
"WAS reading."
"I need to read this for my test."
"I'VE got something you can study..."
"Oh please. You sound like a teenager."
"I FEEL like a teenager..."
(poke poke)
"Seriously, this is due today."
(poke)
"Please?"
(poke)
*sigh*
"Can I read WHILE you do that?"
"Works for me!!!"
-----
James also came home some twenty pounds lighter. Sigh.

"Hey, um, we need to go by Wal-Mart before we go home."
"Why?"
"I, uh, didn't bring any clothes with me."
"What? Why?"
"Because they, uh, don't fit."
"You didn't bring ANYTHING with you?"
"Nope."
"Not even SOCKS?"
"You would be surprised."

Sometimes I really hate men.

Love Potion Number (6)9

My husband's train of thought throughout his ENTIRE two week leave:

Home.
HOME!
WOW!! HOME!!
Food.
REAL food.
WOW!! REAL FOOD!!
--scarf, binge, yum yum yum--
Hmmm....
SEX!!
HOME = SEX!!
REAL SEX!!
--roams around house--
--spies me napping in the bedroom--
HEY HEY!! VAGINA!!
--nudge nudge--
--snore... ignore...--
HEY HEY!!
--poke, poke--
Grrr. Not AGAIN.
--push away--
HEY HEY!! VAGINA!! WAKE UP VAGINA!!!
--poke, prod, pry--
Grrr. FINE.
YAY!!! VAGINA!!!

Weekly Weigh-In 7

You know what's sad?
This is titled "Weekly Weigh-In 7" and I've been "dieting" for almost 16 weeks.
Oh well. Oh, and Melissa is currently beating me by 15 pounds. Grrr.

Weigh-In: 218

Lost: 12

To Go: 38

Procrastination

I know I haven't blogged in like, 18 days, but James has been home for 16 of those so don't hold me entirely accountable, m'kay?

More posts coming soon. Pinky swear.

Introducing.... Reconsidering Sanity, Illustrated!!!

The Proof, I Tell You!

I have had a long-standing suspicion that time travels slower while one is exercising.
I recently found PROOF of this phenomenon.
The time was 2:08 p.m. on my phone.
I then set the phone down and immediately started my 25 minute workout (timed on my treadmill). Which would have me ending at 2:33 p.m., correct?
NO!!!
When I picked up my phone, it read 2:31!!!
Where did those two minutes go??!!!!
I want an explanation.

Weekly Weigh-In 6

I might maybe kinda be starting to sort of like exercising.
Perhaps.

Weigh-In: 218

Lost: 12

To Go: 38

Softball: Enjoy Responsibly

There comes a time in every young girl's life when the opportunity to play sports presents itself; to teach you responsibility, accountability, teamwork, and the joy of physical exertion.
I told it to eff off.
Lily said "Bring it on!!"
I carefully explained to her the consequences of (Mommy paying $50 for her to play and then her getting tired of it and wanting to quit) being on a team, that others depended on you (and your lazy Mom to haul herself off the couch) to show up for every practice and every game. I also explained to her that this was a commitment (of monetary proportions) that I would (grudgingly on Saturday mornings) hold her to. She was all head-nodding and "Yup!" "Uh huh!" "Sure!"
So, I signed her up and took her to her first practice.
Which I have since likened to military Live Round Training.
You get a gaggle of seven year old girls together and give them softballs and bats, someone is going to suffer.
Namely, the parents sitting on the sidelines yelling "Incoming!!" and "Whoa!!"
What is it about the female physique that necessitates the "princess throw" and the "flower child" run? Oh, and who's coaching?
Two men in their thirties.
RIGHT.
They do have a female assistant coach to help them out when the players seem unable to comprehend statements like "You gotta hustle, girls! Gotta pull 'em together and get it done!!" because naturally little girls are thinking, "Hustle...bustle? Like a dress? Oohh, a dress!" and "What are we pulling and where? I thought we were playing softball...."
Oh and here I am trying to help Lily by practicing at home, only I didn't do any sort of sports ever so my throws don't look nice and tidy like her coaches' do: "Mom! I'm over HERE!!"
Sigh. The blind leading the blind.

Letter To My Cat 2

Dear Phoebe,
I just have one question.
Do you believe this relationship is mutually beneficial?
Just a thought....

I:
Make sure you have food and water daily
Clean out your horrid messes from the litter box
Risk life and limb to administer hairball medicine
Comb your unruly fur
Toss small objects for you to chase
Pet you when YOU feel like it
Let you in and out of the house 72 times a day
Share my cereal milk in the mornings

and You:
..... grace me with your presence?

Love,
The Hand That Feeds You

Weekly Weigh-In 5

Blah.
Losing weight sucks!!
Especially when you're at a plateau and can't get off!!

Weigh-In: 219.999

Lost: 10.001

To Go: 39.999

(Add them up. I dare you.)

Weekly Weigh In (I Lost Count)

Okay so I haven't had a weekly weigh in for like, two weeks. That's because I am ashamed to admit that I fell off the wagon. Or should I say the treadmill? Yeah. But I'm back on it now, sweating my self to death and yet I am STILL at 220.

Lost: 10

To Go: 40

Is it just me or is everything a lot more expensive than it should be? Am I too frugal not to pay $10 for a shirt? Or $35 for jeans? Or $50 for shoes? This topic came up when my Mom mentioned she hadn't bought new winter shoes this year. I was like, what? You have different shoes for each season? That doesn't make any sense! Sneakers for summer, sneakers for winter, flip-flops for lazy, sandals for dressy. I will admit that I have more than four pairs of shoes, but only because they were either given to me or cost less than $5. Seriously. I'm so frugal I balk at paying 42 cents for a stamp.
I don't mind paying what I consider big bucks for certain things. For example, I paid $300 for the treadmill because I consider it an investment in my health. I also pay $18 for Olay facial moisturizer because it keeps my acne away and one bottle lasts for two months. I'll call that an investment in younger skin when I get older. I let James buy his body building supplements because it has benefits for me as well. Those are the only things I can think of at the moment!

A recent headline on Yahoo stated that people with higher IQ's live longer. Um... duh. Why do you think I don't go play in traffic? Good grief.

Birthdays, Boys, and Blasted Spring Break

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS NOW
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!

Yup, today Recon has turned three!! Woo hoo! Someone send me a present!
To mark this momentous occasion, I have composed what I call:

Reconsidering Sanity in One Paragraph.

Girl has kid. Girl gets married. Girl has another kid. Husband joins National Guard. Husband goes to Egypt. Girl goes crazy. Girl starts blog. Girl tries to lose weight, throws out back. Brother graduates from Navy boot camp. Girl almost dies from pulmonary embolism. Girl's sister is cranky. Girl's mother is loopy in a fun way. Brother marries and has a nephew!! The He-Child poops. The She-Child starts school. Husband returns. Girl and family move far away. Husband gets a job requiring frequent four day absences. Girl goes more crazy. Girl keeps blogging. He-Child poops some more. Girl has many crazy nights with crazy friend Melissa and kids. Husband returns. Girl and family move back where they came from. Girl blogs more about loopy mother. Husband goes to Iraq. Girl goes almost off kilter-nuts. She-Child continues school, He-Child starts school and FINALLY poops in appropriate places. Girl starts college courses. Girl retries weight loss and succeeds... so far. Girl blogs more. Brother goes to Italy, sister chooses a waitressing career. Brother has another nephew!! Husband gets to take leave two months early! Girl is content.

Whew. I hope I didn't leave anything out!

Lily has just lost her two front teeth! She looks so cute! She has also informed me in a polite way that I am not cool. I can't remember how the conversation went exactly, but it involved a lot of pauses, ignoring my question and sideways glances.

JAMES GETS TO COME HOME FOR LEAVE EARLY!!!!!!

Why is it that whenever I enter a store someone ALWAYS assumes I work there? I swear, I can't wear blue to Wal-Mart. I don't mind reaching for something on the top shelf for someone else, but when people start complaining to me about their favorite brand going up in price or that the newest movie isn't in stock, I draw the line. Do I LOOK like your average menial wage worker? I guess I know my way around Wal-Mart and Dollar General too well.

JAMES GETS TO COME HOME FOR LEAVE EARLY!!!!!!

Spring break is next week. JOY. So far I've thought up of a movie day, a park day, a picnic with Granny day, a skating day, and a shove the kids outside and lock the door day. Oh, and I let the kids bother Mimi all day day.

JAMES GETS TO COME HOME FOR LEAVE EARLY!!!!!!

First Grade Drama

Good grief.
It's starting already.
Today Lily came home and said that her and Sierra weren't friends any more. She says Sierra accused her of making "love signs" to Fernando behind her back. Lily INSISTS she didn't. So the friendship is null and void.
Until tomorrow I'm sure.
I don't know what it is about dating and marriage that Lily gets so defensive about. In kindergarten she was all about having a boyfriend, but now she isn't. Which is fine with me. But I still wonder. She actually gets hostile when we tease her about growing older and dating someone. Lily said to me that she doesn't want a boyfriend because she doesn't want a husband because she doesn't want children. When I told her that you could have a boyfriend and even a husband without having children, she became very interested. She didn't ask how (thank you Jesus), but it piqued her interests. Then I asked her if she was going to be a nun.

"What's a nun?"
"She's a woman who loves God and serves Him, and doesn't get married or have kids."
"Huh. But can you be a nun and a veterinarian?"
"I'm sure you can."
"And what about a cook? Can I nun be a cook?"
"Yes, a veterinarian nun cook sounds like a good deal."
"Well... okay."

Lately the kids' "big thing" has been fishing. They cycle through interests just like they're Daddy! So a couple of days ago I walk through the kitchen... and stop. And do a rewind. Sitting on the table is a spittoon with several minnows and nasty river water in it. GREAT. When I place them outside on the porch my kids have a heyday.

"MOM! Those are for Phoebe!"
"Yeah we're gonna give them to her on her food in her food bowl when they DIE!"
"Yeah and they're gonna DIE SOON!"
"Well, dying fish don't belong on the kitchen table."
"But they won't be there long!"
"It doesn't matter. They can't be on there."
"Is that a rule?"
"Yes."
"In the book?"
"It sure is."
Glad they didn't ask for a page number.

The He-child has gotten better about pooping now that he's getting paid to do it. Sigh. Six poos gets him a whole quarter. Woo hoo!!

I am getting conflicting results from my children regarding my weight loss, which is still at 220 by the way. Lily tells me, "Wow! You're like, not getting fat any more!" while Caleb comments that "I could ride a sheep, but you would have to ride a cow because you butt would KILL the sheep." At least he didn't say I would have to ride a dinosaur. And what's up with my kids obsession with death lately? Everything is dying, dead or coming back to life. They can't seem to understand why I don't exactly enjoy them running down the isle at Wal-Mart screaming, "GET BACK HERE BEFORE I KILL YOU!!"
Sigh.

Nephews are the Best!!

Time for a picture update!!

First up, Zayden playing in the snow... I love it!!


Another one of Zayden... can we say Vogue?


Here is the newest of the bunch, Kashdon!!!

Note to Self : Blog More

You would not believe it.
Since my last post there has been a house fire, a tornado, a giant three eyed monster attack, malaria outbreak, computer crash, skydiving adventure and a loss of twenty pounds.
Not really.
But I tried to give you a good excuse for not blogging more. Weren't you wondering at least a little?

Actually I have been struggling to keep an interest in my school work, dragging myself onto the treadmill, forcing my children to gag down cough syrup every four hours, playing Instant Messaging Tag with my husband, mindlessly rooting around on My Space and sleeping.
I did clean out the car this week though. Vacuuming and everything! I have also made it to all of my Bible studies... though none of the actual church services.
I love my kids, but good grief they are annoying when they're sick!! Lily isn't so bad, she just mopes around and watches T.V. Occasionally she requests water or a sandwich.

Caleb, on the other hand...
He walks around the house whining about absolutely anything that enters his mind, from taking medicine to Sponge Bob not being on. He demands water, juice, a jelly sandwich, take out chicken strips and soup, all of which is flippantly rejected upon delivery. He throws a fit when I try to get him to blow his nose, complains about his clothes being dirty and wonders aloud why I am so terribly mean to him.

Excuse me??
Who shared her body, food and oxygen with you for ten months?
Who pushed your big old head through a seven inch hole?
Who hunted down countless pacifiers in the dark while you wailed?
Who changed those awful diapers whose consistency was a strange stage between solid and liquid?
Who rinses out your underwear when you have an accident?
Who doesn't even gag while cleaning up your puke?
Who lets you use HER computer?
Who answers all of your questions, no matter how unanswerable? ("Mom, how did God make shark teeth so sharp?")
Ah, but I get paid in big hugs. Not hourly, but often enough.

It's a sad day when you resort to paying your children to take their medicine.
They both have a dry-erase chart on which they place a check for each medicine taken. When all six squares are checked, they receive a quarter.
And here I thought this would be simple!

The Rules For The Chart:
1. A vitamin and a chewable pill count as ONE medicine.
2. Liquid medicines are counted separately, with a three count maximum.
3. There is a two quarter a day maximum.
4. Two dimes and one nickel equals a quarter.
5. Five nickels equals a quarter.
6. A handful of pennies equals a quarter.
7. Quarters from Nana's purse count as payment, even though they are technically Nana's.
8. Mom reserves the right to issue an IOU.
9. Once six quarters are earned, Mom is allowed to make change with her dollar bills.
10. Mom reserves the right to FREAKING TEAR UP THE CHARTS IF SHE WANTS TO.

Good grief.

My grandfather told me the other day he was talking to someone in Missouri or Minnesota or Timbukktu who reads my blog. YAY!! Thank you!! Spread the word!!

Muscle on the Brain

Ah, the joys of having a gullible husband.
You may already know how James is prone to over stressing about some things, like a door being locked or executing a birthday party according to schedule, minute by minute. There are several quirks that amuse and irritate me, but for the most part I just ignore them.
Unless it starts to cost us money.
Specifically, money on items that I believe aren't necessary.
Like, say.... body building supplements.
James has found a great way to keep himself occupied in Iraq, because apparently not much is going on over there. (If there was, I wouldn't know about it anyway.) He has started to lift weights two hours a day. Every day. Like, EVERY DAY. His roommate is into body building supplements and made the mistake of showing them to James and explaining what they do. Then BAM! Here comes our credit card statement.

"Um... so, what is Atro-Phex?"
"It's this stuff that helps you feel better and uncover your abs."
"Feel better? Oh, like when it says 'Atro-Phex has simply incredible effects on mood, overall appetite suppression, ... energy... and cognitive performance'?"
"Yeah."
"So... you're taking legal methamphetamine?"
"What? No!"
"Uh, yeah you are...."
"Whatever."
"Okay, what is CellMass?"
"It increases the mass of your cells."
"Oh my gosh."
"You asked!"
"Okay. What is Nitrix?"
"That one enhances your size."
"Your size?"
"Yeah."
"Like the size of your..."
"No, the size of my muscles. Pervert."
"It IS a muscle, HELLO."
"Not that kind of muscle."
"Right... so what does NO-Xplode do? Exactly what it says since you're taking all this stuff? WAIT... is it an anti-diarrheal?"
"No. It intensifies your workout."
"Do what?"
"It helps your focus on your workout and keep you clear headed."
"Moving a weight up and down sure seems complicated..."
"Well it helps keep your mind on the workout."
"Instead of your mind wandering into the desert or something?"
"I guess so."

So basically we spent $175 on protein, whey, speed, and caffeine. Those muscles sure look nice though!!

They Call This Wise?

If you are even remotely familiar with the military and it's procedures/policies, you will know that they require every adult over the age of 18 affiliated thereof to have their wisdom teeth removed if they will be stationed abroad. Why? I have no idea. They say it's to avoid complications later on down the road. I think they just like to make us do it.

Guess who is affiliated with the military?
Guess who may be living abroad within the next year or so?
Guess who is less than six months from the "cut off" age for removing wisdom teeth because the jaw tends to not grow back properly?
Guess who got really bored last Monday and said screw it, let's get this over with?
That would be me.

So I meander over to the teeth ripper outer dude and he discovers that I have an extra wisdom tooth hiding around on the upper left side. I knew I had two, I was just confident that they were the only ones I had. X-rays have come a long way. Apparently my regular dentist doesn't use those new-finagled contraptions. GREAT.

The next week I come in, mother-in-law in tow, for what I figure would be a gruesome, bloody tug-of-war with an elderly dentist. I have so many great things going on now-a-days. I sit back and he starts an IV and pretty soon I'm watching some green blob on the ceiling morphing into different shapes. Maybe it was the nurse. Who knows.

The next thing I remember I am being escorted to the car and driven home. Actually, I was such a trooper we stopped by Wal-Mart before heading home. I can't remember what I bought. Something unnecessary, I'm sure.

Then the pain started to kick in. It wasn't too bad until the ginormous ibuprofen stopped effectively paralyzing my jaw. Then I had to move on to Vicodin (poor me). Only for two days though (sigh). I managed to pry my mouth open to look at the crater on the bottom and was surprised to see actual jaw bone growing together. Cool!!

I brought the teeth home to show the kids. They looked like Pops cereal pieces. Seriously. Those suckers were huge, with tree roots! The kids liked them, though they were disappointed upon the realization that they couldn't take them to school to show their friends. ("But MOM. I will keep them a SECRET. PROMISE.") Now I have to decide what to do with them. Keep them for DNA extraction just in case? Sell them to a voodoo shop? Make a necklace?
I guess they'll just sit on my dresser for now. I just can't bring myself to throw them away.

Oh, one last little bit:
Guess which military couple decided to request stateside instead of overseas assignments, thus rendering the whole surgery utterly without purpose?
That would be us.

Weekly Weigh-In 4

Ugh. Getting back into the routine of things after having three teeth yanked out and skipping a week of exercise is easier said than done. On the upside, I lost one pound. On the downside, after the pain abated I regained that pound and one more. Listen to me mourn over two pounds! Psh!!

Weigh-In: 221

Lost: 9

To Go: 41