One Fish, Two Fish, Black Fish, No Blue Fish

I must have had one of those brain farts that lasted for a few days again.
We are now the proud owners of two black Moors, two goldfish, a sucker fish and a crab.
How do I get myself into these situations?
So we take them home and set up their aquarium, complete with a bajillion ceramic decorations and numerous plastic plants. (I think the fish are still in there, it's kinda hard to tell.)
Lily named her goldfish Roselle, Caleb names his Fishy Fish, the sucker fish becomes Sucky and the crab, Mr. Crabs. I'm still laughing.
I named my two Moors Friskies and Fancy Feast. I liked Alley Cat and Iams but I figured since they have a lot of energy (frisky) and are kinda fancy looking, those would do better. ("Wal-Mart Off-Brand" was kind of a mouthful.)
And I guess I jinxed them.
Upon arrival of the swimming delicacies, Phoebe takes immediate notice. She watches us as we put everything together and put them into the water. The most interesting to her is Mr. Crabs, because he tends to climb the filter tube to make feeble escape attempts. I could SEE her mind reeling.
So the fish were safe because Phoebe hates water, as most cats do.
Woe is the crab.
Being the responsible pet owner, I Googled the species we had purchased to better educate myself. It turns out fiddler crabs actually are saltwater creatures that need access to water as well as a "dry dock." Sigh.
We all went to bed, I having decided to transfer Mr. Crabs into another fishbowl to better his living conditions. But when I woke up this morning, I was informed that Mr. Crabs was missing.
Apparently, my father-in-law had decided to take the crab out, put him in a plastic bowl, and cover it with a dishtowel. ???
And this morning it was gone.
Needless to say, the kids were HORRIFIED.
I wasn't present upon their discovery (I was busy buying a replacement crab), but I heard the screams over the phone.
The new crab has been named Mr. Crabs 2.
Although I like Purina 2 better.
(Get it? Purina 1? Purina 2?)

Bowling with the B's

Or, "How My Four Year Old Completely Beats Me Every Time We Go Bowling."
I love the way my kids bowl.
It's hilarious.
Caleb makes a running start, stops suddenly, pulls the ball to one side and tosses it sideways, where it zig-zags down the lane and MAKES A STRIKE.
"I got them all down Mom! How come you never do?"
Grrr.
Lily's technique changes a little every time. Sometimes it zig-zags like Caleb, other times it rolls so slowly I wonder if it will ever make it to the pins... and still other times she bounces it off the bumpers and into the neighboring lane.
Graceful, just like her mother.

SCORES:

Aaron: 114

Kevin: uh... 70ish

Caleb: 97

Lily: 94

Me: *cough* 42 *cough, cough*

Yeah. I was actually enlisting the kids to help raise my score, to the amusement of my fellow bowlers. I think my game would improve awesomely if I could have bumpers like the kids do.
Grrr.

Quarter Century Years Old

So on the 22nd I turned 25. Woo wee! How did I celebrate?
I got lightly wasted with fabulous friends!!
And by "lightly," I mean "heavily toasted and buttered."
And by "fabulous," I mean "awesome friends who are a blast to stumble out of a bar with... especially when they catch you after tripping over a curb."

Favorite Quotes of the Evening:

"How can such a beautiful girl take such HORRIBLE pictures?"
-- Wheat
"People think that because I have a psychology major I want to sit around and analyze them. I'm like, screw you!!" -- Tasha
"You wouldn't look quite so charming without your front teeth, I don't suppose."
-- Aaron
"I read your blog!!" -- Mikel
"I hate relationships." -- Taryn
"So like, I'm not kicking you out of my house... but I'm gonna go to bed. Lock the door on your way out." -- someone whose name started with a "J"

Partying with classmates and new friends is something I need to do more often. Like, weekly. But for shiz, I'm getting a tad old for this.
Or my six years of being sober has significantly lowered my tolerance level.
One of the two.

P.S. I want some of those pictures Mikel!!

Weekly Weigh-In 10

I laugh as I type "weekly." So funny.

Weigh-In: 215

Lost: 14

To Go: 36

Deadline: 49 days.

Weekly Weigh-In 9

I will flip my top if by next wek I have not lost at least half a pound.
Stagnation sucks.

Weigh-In: 217

Lost: 12

To Go: 38

Happy Mother's Day!

A little early, but hey at least I didn't forget!
One thing I love about my kids being in school is the projects they make when a holiday rolls around. This Mother's Day I received zinnias, a handmade sunflower, a poem book, and two fill-in-the-blank worksheets about me. I like these, particularly because you never know what to expect. The capital letters are their fill-ins....

My Special Mother
by Lily

My mother is the most wonderful mom in the world! She's as pretty as A ANGEL and she's a AWESOME cook.
She loves to READ.
Her favorite animal is KITTEN and her favorite food is CHOCOLATE, and her favorite color is RAINBOW.
She likes to PLAY WITH ME when she has time and she is crazy about HUGE STUFF.
In the old days when Mom was little, she liked to PLAY.
I think Mom looks funny when she DOES FUNNY FACES.
I know she's really mad when she HAS TO MAKE ME FOOD.
I wish Mom would BE with me every day!
I wouldn't trade my mom for TWO MILLION DOLLARS.

Okay, WTH happened here?! I spend all day in their presence, playing with them even more now that I've upped my meds; I only get upset when she asks for a snack at ten p.m.; and I'm crazy about huge stuff?! What's worse is she wouldn't explain it!!

My Mom is Amazing
by Caleb

My mom is amazing!
When I'm sick she makes me feel better by GIVING ME MEDICINE, and when I am sad she cheers me up by TAKING ME SOMEWHERE.
My mom can be really funny. One time she really made me laugh when she TICKLED ME.
My mom is a SUPER cook. I like it when she makes me PIZZA and SPAGHETTI.
My mom does so many things. When I get home from school she usually JUMPS ON THE TRAMPOLINE WITH ME.
I like to help her CLEAN and PLANT THE GARDEN.
I love to watch my mom MOP THE FLOOR.
One day I hope she'll teach me how to DO A BACK FLIP ON THE TRAMPOLINE.
My mom is really special to me. I love her most because SHE READS BOOKS TO ME.
Happy Mother's Day!

SEE, I TOLD YOU. I jump on the trampoline, read them books, instigate tickle fights and apparently look funny when I mop. Tough luck on the whole back flip thing, though. Sorry kids! Elephants don't do flips.

Weekly Weigh-In 8

Exercise SUUUUUCKS.
The dieting I can actually live with.
Heavenly Father, please give me strength.

Weigh-In: 216

Lost: 13

To Go: 37

Not in the Entertainment Business for a Reason

I have come to the conclusion that I am not a very entertaining person... at least by two-year-old standards. Case in point: babysitting my nephew.
Now I like kids, especially my own and my nephews. I am always learning about them either through school or personal experience, of which PE is more fun, frustrating and messy. But with some kids (ok, just one so far), it takes a little work to master the whole "just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I'm an alien" thing.
Which is the PRECISE look he gives me sometimes:



A little disheartening, eh? But after a few days together I think I've kind of figured out how he "works," and it's because he's really smart. No, really. Our day kind of goes like this.....

"Hey Zayden! How are you?"
--stare--
"What have you been doing?"
-- I cannot believe this. --
"What have you been doing, Zayden?"
-- Are you serious? The baby voice? I'm not one, you know. --
"Do you want to go to the toy room?"
-ever so slight nod of the head--
"Okay."
--walk, walk--
"What do you want to play with?"
-- Leave me alone. --
"Are you still sleepy?"
--slight shake of the head--
"Okay. Do you want to see the new toy Lily got?"
-- NOT interested. --
--mutual staring--
"Okay."
-- Slacker. Think quicker. --
"Do you want to color?"
-- Finally, a novel idea. --
--color, color--
"Hey Zayden, do you know what this is? It's you're name!"
-- Oh. My. Gosh. DUH. --
"See, Z,A,Y,D,E,N!!"
-- What do you want, a golden star? Leave me to my work, please. --

LATER

"I hungry."
"You're hungry? Okay! What do you want to eat?"
"Keedamar."
"Candy?"
-- sigh --
"Uh huh."
"Well we're going to eat some lunch, then we can have candy okay?"
-- If I were as tall as I am smart, you'd have a bigger problem than you do now. --
"Do you like Spaghetti-O's?"
-- NO. --
"How about a sandwich?"
-- sigh --
"What about a bowl of cereal?"
-- I would LIKE what I asked for in the FIRST PLACE. --
"Okay... Goldfish?"
-- Heck yeah, now you're talkin'!! --

LATER

"Hey Zayden, do you want to watch cartoons?"
-- I thought two other kids lived here as well. --
"We could watch SpongeBob..."
-- They must still be at school. --
"... or we could watch Scooby-Doo..."
-- I hope they come home soon. --
"... or how about Dora?"
-- PLEASE. Come home soon. --

LATER

"Look Zayden, Lily and Caleb are home!"
-- HALLELUJAH!! --

--blissfully playing with my kids--
"Hey guys, who wants green juice?"
-- You're still here? Geez. --
"ME!!" "ME!!"
-- Oh, I suppose... --

But I am happy to report that things have gotten a lot better. I think. At least he talks to me, smiles and laughs now. I still think he questions my competence quite frequently.

--sniff--
"Zayden, do you need to be changed?"
-- Well, I am HOPING it wasn't YOU. --

That Holy Feeling 13 (Can You Give Us Directions?)

So everyone who reads my blog probably knows that we are a military family. James is in the National Guard, currently deployed to Iraq, and so on. Some of you may know that in the 5.75 years we've been married James has had five careers and a couple I talked him out of. In order, they have been:

Correctional Officer: didn't like working nights out of town.
Sheet Metal Operator Person: don't really know on this one. Came home with a new job one day.
City Water Repair Dude: didn't pay enough, insurance sucked.
Re-Enlist in Marines: didn't go through. Too much red tape.
Firefighter: volunteered; guess that got it out of his system.
National Guard: still doing this, though I figure it's because he HAS to.
Electrician: same as the water dept. Plus, I had to do our own taxes.


We have been discussing our options when he gets back from Iraq, since his contract in the NG will be expired. We weighed the pros and cons of staying in the military:

PROS:
might get to see the world
good, dependable pay
great insurance
retire in his 40's
the uniform
(c'mon, you know I had to put that in there!)

CONS:
probable deployments

We also surveyed the pros and cons of civilian life:

PROS:
no chance of deployment
staying close to the family
um.... no deployments

CONS:
lower paychecks
questionable insurance
retire in his 60's
no uniform :(

I've always kind of been the leader in our relationship, unless James goes off and spontaneously joins the military or some such shenanigans. For a while there I really thought we were supposed to stay in the military. If we had faith, I reasoned, even another deployment would end up being beneficial to us. We'd done it twice already. This would also be an opportune time to strengthen our faith in believing God would keep James at home.

At the same time, I've been working on handing James the proverbial reigns because for one, the Bible says the husband should drive. It's also exhausting making most of the big decisions. So I encouraged both of us to keep our minds open to God's voice and instruction.
Well, I kept running across the Proverb that says "Man makes his plans, but the LORD guides his footsteps." I mean everywhere. Bible study, group study, daily Bible verse emails, normal conversations, you name it. I was like, Okay God, what are you trying to say?

Then, after watching all the goodbyes on James' last day of leave, I decided that no amount of money, insurance, or sight-seeing could compensate for having to tell your children goodbye for a year. Maybe three or four times in their lifetime. So I said something to James about it, and he said, "Yeah, I've been thinking about that too."
"Why didn't you SAY anything?!"
"Well, you just seemed so stuck on me doing the military thing."

Note to men: it helps if you TAKE the reigns when your wife OFFERS them to you.
So I went on ranting that if he had never said anything, we might have gone off on the wrong path and that he needed to speak up often. Then I had promise I wouldn't get mad every time he spoke up. Which kind of makes me wonder....
Anyway.
Then the powers that be signed a new Post 9/11 GI Bill that is completely better than the old one. So I think when James gets back he is going to start school to become who knows what. But God will decide that.
Unless he watches a documentary about astronauts.
Oy vie.

Dieting: Not For The Faint Of Heart

So James has been on this supplement kick for a while now, and while his results do look nice, I don't think supplements are right for me.
Case in point: Arson. Now, before I start taking any sort of supplement, I wanted to check it out to make sure it was safe. No harsh side effects or anything. On the website it flashes:
TORCH FAT!!!
PEELED TO THE BONE CONDITIONING!!!
GET ABSOLUTELY SHREDDED!!!
WITH RAPID WAVE PULSE TECHNOLOGY!!!

Okay, first, are we burning fat or cutting meat? Shredded? Peeled? Wave pulse? Whatever. Now for the ingredient list:

Caffeine
Caffeine
Green Tea Extract
White Willow Bark Extract
5 ingredients that start with Gamma

So... it's a cup of coffee with a special stick in it with some eighteen letter ingredients for flavor?
Awesome.
Now for the directions:

Take three caplets twice a day. Start off taking one caplet once a day, to assess individual tolerance (WTH??). Do not take within five hours of bedtime. Stay hydrated.

And the warnings:

Don't use if you: are under 18, have had a heart attack, are pregnant or nursing, are sensitive to stimulants, are taking antidepressants or an MAOI, or if you have ANY medical condition or have a family history of ANY medical condition. Don't exceed recommended dosage or combine with any other sort of caffeine.

RIGHT. That pretty much eliminates... everyone.
What the heck, you had me at fat burner. So I take one pill and... nothing. James advises me to keep taking them because "they're still doing something, even if you can't feel it." Okay. Three days later I decide to up the dosage and take two. Big mistake. We were at a restaurant.

"Hmm. This place is like really popular. Like, really busy and stuff. Did you know they have a Betta fish IN THE BATHROOM? Seriously! It's all floating around and looking at you while you try to do your business and hey! Look at those lemons! Aren't they pretty? It sure is hot in here. Are you hot? No? Okay. The food here is like so awesome, I'm glad we came here. Maybe we should come back tomorrow too. And the next day! If it's not too busy. This is a pretty busy place. I need more tea. You're not hot? Good grief it's hot in here. I could sure use more tea. Do you know how they make Splenda? It's really quite interesting..."

Yeah. No more of that stuff. James was weirded out and my mother-in-law didn't know what to think. That, and the "crash" was something out of a bad drug movie. Blah.
So I sent it with James. It keeps him "focused." I bet so.

Home Sweet Home

So James just had his two week leave. Now he's back in the sandbox, and not the fun kind either. We had so much fun! The kids had him on the trampoline at least two hours of each day, we ate at every restaurant within a fifty mile radius, visited several family members, went to the IMAX theater in Fort Worth, and chilled out on the couch watching movies most nights. Heaven.
Oh yeah, and the sex part. That was nice too.
The only problem with him taking his leave early was that I and the kids were in school the whole time.

"So... we should take the kids out of school a little early today."
"Um, why?"
"You know, so we can go do stuff."
"Like what?"
"I dunno. We could take them to play putt-putt golf or something."
"You gonna write that on the sign-out sheet?"
"I think they will understand, with their dad being home and all."
.....
"So... I'll go sign them out real quick."
"NOW?"
"Yeah?"
"It's 9:30!!"
"Yeah. Maybe I should wait until eleven."

Now what James couldn't understand was why I didn't want to get them out early every single day he was home. First, I see them all day, every day. Their school hours are my "me" hours. Secondly, there are state laws that require kids being in school most hours of most school days. Sadly, this is true for children of deployed soldiers as well.

"Well they should understand, you know, with me just getting home and all."
"Yes, I know. But state and school laws are a little like military law. Only the brainwashed understand it."
"Well, they should make an exception for our kids."
"I know and you know and everyone else knows, but that isn't going to change the laws by itself."
"Well.... they should just do it. The principal will understand."
"So you want him to risk his job and lie for us to be able to get the kids out of school?"
"I'm pretty sure he would do it."
"You're insane."
-----
(poke,prod,pry)
"Um, excuse me. I'm reading my History textbook."
(poke poke)
"WAS reading."
"I need to read this for my test."
"I'VE got something you can study..."
"Oh please. You sound like a teenager."
"I FEEL like a teenager..."
(poke poke)
"Seriously, this is due today."
(poke)
"Please?"
(poke)
*sigh*
"Can I read WHILE you do that?"
"Works for me!!!"
-----
James also came home some twenty pounds lighter. Sigh.

"Hey, um, we need to go by Wal-Mart before we go home."
"Why?"
"I, uh, didn't bring any clothes with me."
"What? Why?"
"Because they, uh, don't fit."
"You didn't bring ANYTHING with you?"
"Nope."
"Not even SOCKS?"
"You would be surprised."

Sometimes I really hate men.

Love Potion Number (6)9

My husband's train of thought throughout his ENTIRE two week leave:

Home.
HOME!
WOW!! HOME!!
Food.
REAL food.
WOW!! REAL FOOD!!
--scarf, binge, yum yum yum--
Hmmm....
SEX!!
HOME = SEX!!
REAL SEX!!
--roams around house--
--spies me napping in the bedroom--
HEY HEY!! VAGINA!!
--nudge nudge--
--snore... ignore...--
HEY HEY!!
--poke, poke--
Grrr. Not AGAIN.
--push away--
HEY HEY!! VAGINA!! WAKE UP VAGINA!!!
--poke, prod, pry--
Grrr. FINE.
YAY!!! VAGINA!!!

Weekly Weigh-In 7

You know what's sad?
This is titled "Weekly Weigh-In 7" and I've been "dieting" for almost 16 weeks.
Oh well. Oh, and Melissa is currently beating me by 15 pounds. Grrr.

Weigh-In: 218

Lost: 12

To Go: 38

Procrastination

I know I haven't blogged in like, 18 days, but James has been home for 16 of those so don't hold me entirely accountable, m'kay?

More posts coming soon. Pinky swear.

Introducing.... Reconsidering Sanity, Illustrated!!!

The Proof, I Tell You!

I have had a long-standing suspicion that time travels slower while one is exercising.
I recently found PROOF of this phenomenon.
The time was 2:08 p.m. on my phone.
I then set the phone down and immediately started my 25 minute workout (timed on my treadmill). Which would have me ending at 2:33 p.m., correct?
NO!!!
When I picked up my phone, it read 2:31!!!
Where did those two minutes go??!!!!
I want an explanation.

Weekly Weigh-In 6

I might maybe kinda be starting to sort of like exercising.
Perhaps.

Weigh-In: 218

Lost: 12

To Go: 38

Softball: Enjoy Responsibly

There comes a time in every young girl's life when the opportunity to play sports presents itself; to teach you responsibility, accountability, teamwork, and the joy of physical exertion.
I told it to eff off.
Lily said "Bring it on!!"
I carefully explained to her the consequences of (Mommy paying $50 for her to play and then her getting tired of it and wanting to quit) being on a team, that others depended on you (and your lazy Mom to haul herself off the couch) to show up for every practice and every game. I also explained to her that this was a commitment (of monetary proportions) that I would (grudgingly on Saturday mornings) hold her to. She was all head-nodding and "Yup!" "Uh huh!" "Sure!"
So, I signed her up and took her to her first practice.
Which I have since likened to military Live Round Training.
You get a gaggle of seven year old girls together and give them softballs and bats, someone is going to suffer.
Namely, the parents sitting on the sidelines yelling "Incoming!!" and "Whoa!!"
What is it about the female physique that necessitates the "princess throw" and the "flower child" run? Oh, and who's coaching?
Two men in their thirties.
RIGHT.
They do have a female assistant coach to help them out when the players seem unable to comprehend statements like "You gotta hustle, girls! Gotta pull 'em together and get it done!!" because naturally little girls are thinking, "Hustle...bustle? Like a dress? Oohh, a dress!" and "What are we pulling and where? I thought we were playing softball...."
Oh and here I am trying to help Lily by practicing at home, only I didn't do any sort of sports ever so my throws don't look nice and tidy like her coaches' do: "Mom! I'm over HERE!!"
Sigh. The blind leading the blind.

Letter To My Cat 2

Dear Phoebe,
I just have one question.
Do you believe this relationship is mutually beneficial?
Just a thought....

I:
Make sure you have food and water daily
Clean out your horrid messes from the litter box
Risk life and limb to administer hairball medicine
Comb your unruly fur
Toss small objects for you to chase
Pet you when YOU feel like it
Let you in and out of the house 72 times a day
Share my cereal milk in the mornings

and You:
..... grace me with your presence?

Love,
The Hand That Feeds You

Weekly Weigh-In 5

Blah.
Losing weight sucks!!
Especially when you're at a plateau and can't get off!!

Weigh-In: 219.999

Lost: 10.001

To Go: 39.999

(Add them up. I dare you.)