Kindergarten

Kindergarten.
Wow. I never thought I'd make it this far without shipping her to Japan. With the arrival of Lily's first and second day in kindergarten came these realizations:
1. My little girl isn't so little any more!
2. I have to get up at 6:30 a.m.
Number one makes me kind of sad. About six years ago I was staring at a stick with two pink lines on it thinking to myself, 'Crap. Guess I'll be grounded for this.' Six months later I was huge and sweating through a hot August summer while cursing my ex. After she was born, Dad came into our room and said, 'Well Tally, tomorrow you need to go out and get a job.' Guess I'm not a carefree teenager anymore. I had a whole other PERSON to take care of, not just cleaning my room and taking out the trash. THAT was a reality check.
Two years later I met her father (THAT sounds ironic...) and the years starting flying by, especially after Caleb was born. Suddenly, she was no longer the dark haired infant who first smiled at me while I was changing her millionth diaper but a loud, energetic, brazen mini-teenager. What happened? Life. Every mother goes through her days of reminisce, and with them comes another realization: I have to teach this little person how to BE a decent human being. Um, where did that instruction manual go....
Ah, the Bible. The perfect manual. But how am I supposed to teach my kids to be a God-fearing, morally outstanding citizen when I am just learning myself? So lately I've been trying to balance my own learning with experimentation, kind of like the kids and I are learning together. But I digress....
Number two makes me sad too. At 6:30 a.m. I am groggy, grumpy, ill-willed and hormonal to boot. But I have to get up and get her ready, because if she is tardy too many days I go to jail. That's another thing I wish I had thought of before getting really drunk and... getting kidnapped by aliens who impregnated me with an experimental sub-species of ATTITUDE. Not only do you have to teach them how to be human, cook for, clean, dress, discipline, reward, potty train and chaperon them, you have to get them up at an indecent hour and hurry them off to school for 190 days out of the year. By my calculations, I will be getting up early at least 2,850 days solely for educational purposes.
Bring it on.

***Notes From Mom***
Wait until her graduation day and you think... Oh, crap!...No!..I'm not finished with her yet!! Then you realize that she is setting sail and you didn't teach her everything imaginable about sailing. Been there...Love, Mom

Conversation With The He-Child

This morning Caleb and I were laying down trying to take a nap, because waking a three year old up at 6:30 a.m. and then expecting him to function without a complete meltdown for the rest of the day is irrational. So we were talking about our upcoming camping trip, which will be a disaster to say the least not only because all four of us will be sleeping in a tent, but because we will have to relieve ourselves in the woods. Fun fun. I told Caleb we were going to go dove hunting and fishing, and he said that if he caught a shark he was going to throw it back before it ate him.
"Well, if he does start eating you I'll scream 'No! Get off my little boy!' How about that?"
"Yeah!"
"But what if I catch a shark and it starts eating me?"
"I will throw him back."
"That's good. What about if it starts to eat Lily? What will you do?"
"Nothing!"
"Nothing? You wouldn't throw it back for her?"
"Nope."
So the lines are drawn.....

Adventures With Mimi 4 --- The Beginning

Looking through my old emails, I came across one from Mom.
It was her response to the carnival blog.
Ah the Runaway Mine Train, where it all began. You know that moment in your life when you realize your mom has a quirky/evil side to her? This is the story of my moment.
Mom had volunteered to be a chaperon on my seventh grade choir trip to Six Flags. We had a pretty good time, our choir sung for some competition that we didn't even place in because we were all focused on the Six Flags trip. When we got there we did the usual hum-bug things that people who ABSOLUTELY HATE ROLLER COASTERS AND ANY OTHER RIDE COMBINING HEIGHT AND SPEED do, because I am one of those people. Apparently mom is not.
Oh so cunning was her approach....
"Let's go on this one, I used to ride it all the time when I was your age, it's fun, come on!"
After I thoroughly grilled her and was satisfied that this ride was going to be slow and all sissy-fied, I climbed into the car beside her.
The ride starts off by slowly going through this house set up with dolls or something in each room. I can't really recall, I think my brain has blocked those memories out.
Anyway we're going nice and slow and I'm almost convinced this is going to be fun, when I notice we're heading into a wall.
"Mom? There's a wall up there."
"Uh huh."
"Are we going to hit it, I mean because we're kind of speeding up..."
"No, we won't hit it." Hee hee hee!
"It sure looks like it, I mean... what are you laughing about? Mom? Mom!"
"Hee hee hee hee!!!"
"Seriously Mom we're about to crash into a wall and you're AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!"
That's how the rest of the ride went, me swearing that I'll never do anything she suggests ever again and screaming my head off while she laughs like a drunken hyena.
She loved it. I however am scarred for life. James, you can blame her for my inability to pass a roller coaster without hyperventilating and yelling "You're sick! A sick, twisted mother!"

***Notes from Mom***
You make it sound so bad......

Fart Fun

Yesterday I scared James for the first time in our four years together. I was sitting on the bathroom sink flossing. I sit there so I can be close to the mirror to make sure I get everything from between my teeth. And here comes James, two fingers ready to annihilate any subtly clogged pore I may have on my back. I usually don't mind being picked on but when I'm trying to concentrate on something and I'm constantly being interrupted by pinching pain, I tend to get nasty. Really nasty. So there he was, concentrating on a stubborn blackhead, when I saw my opportunity......
BBRRRAAAAPPPPP!!!!!
You know how farts echo off a smooth surface. James jumped back with this priceless look on his face like someone had fired a gun at close range and he was going through all of his mental military files to determine a proper response. Then he hastily retreated to the bedroom while I laughed myself onto the floor. The really mean thing about it was I was watching in the mirror to see his reaction! Isn't that sick? Later he commented that he was surprised he got away with both his shoes intact. I think I laughed until midnight.

Isn't That Stupid?!!

• You can view your Sprint bill online, but to get any explanations you have to call them and wait on hold for 20 minutes because their dumb "Explain My Bill" section only has pictures of bills and tags like "This is how many travel minutes you used" instead of "Click here for a definition of travel minutes and how you can avoid them."
• There are forty thousand people at Wal-Mart and only three cashiers, two of whom are of the express lane type.
• Cingular haunts you for four years to pay a $300 bill, then makes a settlement in a lawsuit and sends you a refund check for the $300 that you didn't pay in the first place.
• 75% of America is overweight, yet it costs about $400 a year to use a gym and $80 per paycheck to buy wholesome foods, not to mention what you can spend on diet pills.
  
• There is a $100,000 shower for sale, while children everywhere are starving.
• You forget your debit PIN number, and still can't remember it 24 hours later.
• If you lose your purse moving to Illinois please be aware that to obtain an Illinois driver's licence, you need the Texas licence and social security card that was in said purse. To get a new social security card you need to present two forms of picture ID, as in your Texas driver's lisence and your military ID, which are in the lost purse. There are no exceptions to this rule.
  
• If you work all summer planting a beautiful flower garden, the landscapers will mow it all down and your husband will comment that they probably did it because the flowers looked like weeds, and then doesn't understand why you are upset.
  
• Your kids can yell at you in a store but if you yell back you get ugly looks.
• Life jackets come with this warning: "Do not carry heavy objects while wearing this life jacket. Heavy objects impede floatation." That's good to know.
  
• You gain ten pounds in the week before your period.
  

That Holy Feeling 4

Every time our little family tries to take a trip anywhere, Lily gets sick. Seriously, she'll develop a runny nose going to Walmart. So of course, when we arrive in San Antonio for our Sea World trip, she starts running a 102-103 temperature and complaining that her throat hurt.
I let it go with Advil for two days, then we took her into the ER because that's the only way Humana would cover an out of area visit. Blah blah blah.
The wait wasn't too long because we were there on a Wednesday afternoon and they had a really cool kids waiting area. Lily and I get to the back, what I often refer to as the Labyrinth of Medical Mystery because you're always hearing strange noises and people screaming. The doctor on call is Dr. Abubu or something, and he says, quote "I don't think she have big problem. Just a virus, no worries. Give Advil and water, lots of sleep. Have good day!" Okay.
We go home and finish up the day and I lay down to say my prayers. I pray really hard for Lily to get better mainly because she felt horrible and was running a high temperature, but also because we want to go to Sea World, darn it!! He is the Healer, so I knew I could count on Him.
He didn't disappoint.
Lily woke up the next morning without a fever, sore throat, or soreness!!! What's more, she stayed that way for the rest of the trip!!
Praise the Lord!!!

Getting Naked At Sea World.... And Other Things

Oh, where do I start?
We have been planning a trip to Sea World since last year, which means the kids have been talking about it for eleven months straight. Everyone was hyped up and excited, even me as I packed everything but the toilet seat and plunger. James works during the week in San Antonio, and he was going to be the only worker there this week, so we all went and stayed at the employee apartment. For a whole week. While James worked during the day. Just me, the kids and Lenny. Anyway, staying in a strange apartment with the kids all day wasn't the worst part. Lily got sick, right on cue (the past three trips we've made she's been sick on! I'm sure Humana loves us.). She had a 102-103 fever, so we took her to the ER. The doctor, who spoke broken English, said "I don't think she have big problem. Just a virus, no worries. Give Advil and water, lots of sleep. Have good day!" For the rest of this story, see the next blog.
So, after swimming for three days straight and trying to keep the apartment's CREAM COLORED CARPET stain free, it was Sea World time!!
We got there about 9:30 and went straight to the Dolphin Cove to feed some porpoises. Well, the feeding booth didn't open up for another hour, plus the cost of a basket of fish was $5! For three fish! Dead fish!! The wailing begins. Ok, so we'll go see the sharks. Nope. They don't open until 11. If you're going to advertise that your park opens at 10 why are all the exhibits closed until 11?!! Caleb starts crying harder because now he's been disappointed twice in one hour, and that makes James irritated. He threatens to leave the park and take us home, which kinda didn't work. Cue for me to be the sweet, consoling mother and the glaring eyed wife.
SO we were forced to see the smelly Clydesdale's, which I guess was cool because I kinda like horses. When they're safely behind bars and I am safely behind a rope. Which isn't much for a six foot, one ton animal to barrage through but hey, it's all good.
After that we meander over to the water park, which is why I wanted to come. I HATE hot weather, especially when I am walking four miles hunched over a stroller pushing a 45 pound little girl who COULD walk on her own but NO.... I digress.
On the way we pass Shamu's roller coaster thing, and Caleb wants to ride it, so we stop. The boys wait in line forever because it's a Saturday and about 700,000 people have shown up for this one ride. When Caleb and James finally get up there, the operator tells him he can't take the camera on the ride. So James storms off the platform and we go to the water park. We get there and rent a locker, James swearing that next year we aren't going to bring so much crap. Caleb is still crying, which is exacerbated by me trying to put sunscreen on him. James gets more mad, I give more looks. Lily and I head to the wave pool, while Caleb and James go BACK to the ride so that Caleb will be quiet.
Ah, the wave pool. Such fun for a blond.
It was okay until the buzzer went off and the waves started and I discovered we were smack on the break line, which is the area of the pool where the waves break and well, you're going to get knocked on your a$. Lily thought it was great fun to watch me try to keep my balance, keep her from floating away, keep my flailing arms from hitting other people, and keep my gut sucked in because James wanted me to wear the tankini today. All while laughing to keep the lifeguard from jumping in and REALLY embarrassing myself, and trying to keep water out of my nose because I absolutely hate that.
And then.... Lily gets swept up as I go crashing down, she grabs for me and POP goes the boob out of my top. Now there's a dilemma: cover the boob or rescue the child. The child has a life jacket on, my boob has stretch marks. I sit down quickly and get smothered by another wave but while under that wave I get my ninny back into place. Coming up for air, I am bashed in the face by my child who is floating with the next wave in my direction. Under I go again.
Not caring if I look fat anymore or not, I grab Lily and walk (stumble? float? fall?) out of the pool. We then went to the kiddie pool, which is much more blond-friendly.
James and the crying Caleb come back, one wet from tears and the other wet with exhaustion/frustration. While conversing with my pissed husband I discover Caleb didn't eat much breakfast. Duh, the kid is hungry.
We find a wallet-sucking eatery and get our food, only to find that all the tables have been taken by people's CRAP. You know, towels, bags, shoes, floats, etc all arranged to mark that space as taken. I just plopped down next to this nice looking, non-English speaking Mexican lady and start feeding my wailing child. When lunch was over, we went and stood in line to ride the mini slide that lands you in the kiddie pool. Now I know you're expecting some catastrophe, but I actually made it down in one piece, without taking out any kids with my landing.
When we get done we go to the lazy river which is almost as fun as the wave pool but in much shallower, albeit faster moving water. So now the wailer is quiet and we're all being lazy, losing each other for a few minutes but finding each other before too long. Often Lily and I get rammed into the wall by people floating in tubes, and did you know that there are panty-pulling super jets along those walls? Yup, I found one. As soon as I realized that my derriere was exposed, a la my sister's graduation ceremony, I over react and let go of Lily who is keeping me afloat via her life jacket, which means I get sucked under the tube rider in front of me and start drowning. I come up for air, pull up my bottoms and get swept off my feet. When I come up again I'm under those stinking water fountain things and I think I'm still drowning because they're hitting me right in the face, so I'm still kind of flailing my arms. When I get my bearings straight, James catches up to me and has the gall to ask "Where's Lily?" Never mind your chlorine inhaling wife, get the safely jacketed and probably okay child.

Out of the river, we decide to see the dolphins and stuff. Only when we get there, we have two problems: Caleb is asleep and there are 5,000 people in line and around the pool. Ugh. I'm starting to wish we had come during the week. There are so many people we decide we probably can't ride any rides or see any shows. We go see the sharks instead, then visit the gift shop, which we had to leave fairly quickly because both kids started crying wanting some college fund emptying stuffed toy. Afterwards we head back to the water park, only to find that we have to wait in line because the park has "reached capacity." I'll tell you about reaching capacity. James has none, so now he's super pissed.
Eventually we get back into the park and James makes some comment about leaving, so I grab the kids and scream "Fine!! You leave! We're having a GREAT time!!"

Back to the wave pool, which is closed because some kid pooped all in the pool. We settle for the kiddie pool again, and while in there the wave pool opens back up. But we're liking the little pool so we stay and eventually decide we're hungry and tired. We get out, gather the CRAP we're NOT taking next year, sell our locker to an older guy (all the lockers had been rented, so people we're trying to buy them from people who were smart enough to get there early) and make the treacherous walk to the car in a mammoth parking lot.
We eat at McDonald's, go home and pass out.

AND, TO TOP IT ALL OFF......
I got a sunburn that most assuredly will morph my moles into melanoma.

THE ICING ON THE CAKE......
I get back and one side of my flower garden has been MOWED OVER by those incompetent landscapers!! How many brain cells do you have to have to distinguish a flowering plant from a weed?!!

Adventures With Mimi 3

Have I mentioned how, um, unique my mom is? Seriously, keep an eye on your parents as they age, it's really quite entertaining! Some of you may remember my first blog about Mimi. Others may like my second blog about her.
So, to commemorate my 100th blog, here is another Mimi story.

I am an Ebayer. I've sold some stuff on there with relative success. Nothing big, or I wouldn't be here now would I? I would be relaxing in my hot tub naked with a martini. But I digress. Mom works half part-time at the local library. How she's kept from messing that up I'll never know. Today at work mom encountered a lady who wanted to check out a book about finding the value of antiques, and mom mentioned that I sell things on Ebay, and for a small percentage of the profit maybe I could sell them for her. The lady was very interested! But mom forgot to get her name and number! Lap of luxury here I come!
Luckily, God laughed and sent another lady with some old stamps that she wanted to sell, and mom proposed the my-daughter-could-sell-that-for-you pitch. She was very interested! Mom almost lost that lead too! Apparently the lady gave mom her name and number, which mom wrote down on a piece of paper and handed to the lady. The lady put it in her purse! But apparently Mom got the info back because she emailed it to me tonight. Good grief. I told her not to hang out with that lady because I can just see the calamity that would ensue. But at least Mom's not alone in her uniqueness.

***Notes From Mom***

Hate to tell you but its getting worse...last night I turned the AC off for a while and opened the front door. Later I got hot so I shut the front door and turned the AC back on, in the dark while talking on the phone. But I kept getting hotter and hotter. I got off the phone, turned on the light and I had turned on the heater.

I told the story to Taryn, and added that she's going to have to start staying at home with me. To which she replied, "No. Talia gets you."
Let the fun begin.....

Carnival (No, Not The Cruise)

We went to a carnival nearby today. It was fun, I guess. The tickets cost $1 each, what a rip. The kids rode the racing turtles, the flying elephants, and we all went through the "History of Horror" house thing, you know where you ride through it in a rinky dink little cart? Caleb jumped at every thing that popped out, and Lily just hugged up to me. James loved it, of course.
Me?
Ok. Before you laugh, I get scared easily. Reading Stephen King creeps me out. I can't look into a mirror in the dark. My eyes look funny or something.
So during this ride, I had my eyes closed. Yes, at 23 I had my eyes closed during the corny carny ride!!
Ok, laugh it up. Get it out of your system. Tell me when your done.
Finished? Ok. Just so you know, Lily confessed she had covered her eyes through the whole thing, too.
So when we get out of the carts that I swear are going to grind to a halt under my weight, I just have to kinda lie my way out of this one.
"Babe! Did you see that mummy thing that jumped out at the end? Oh my gosh!"
"Yeah! It was so totally scary I almost lost five pounds!!"
"Yeah! And that hacker guy in the middle, I thought Caleb was gonna scream!"
"Man, I wish we had 12 more tickets, that was sooo corny I want to do it again!"
The kids had fun, and that's all that matters.

***Notes From Mom***
Aren't you going to tell them about the time I tricked you onto the Runaway Mine Train?

WANTED: One Boyfriend --- Mimi's Version

So Lily calls on the phone and Chad answers. After the usual greetings it goes something like this......

"I was looking for a boyfriend today."

"What?"

"I was looking for a BOYFRIEND today."

Chad tries to change the subject. He tries to get her to tell mom she wants pigs feet for dinner and she finally tells him she wants to talk to MiMi. What do PaPa's know about boyfriends anyway?

"Hi Lily!"

"Hi (ho hum, depressed sounding). I need a boyfriend."

"Why?"

"So I can kiss him. My friend has a boyfriend and she's 5 like me."

"Baby, you don't have to go looking for a boyfriend. You belong to God and He's already got everything figured out. He has a boyfriend for you. You don't have to worry about a thing! God will bring him to you like God brought PaPa to me."
(I didn't tell her how long it might take!)

"Is he 5 like me?"

"I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see."

"Okay (more sing song sounding..like her usual self)."

She gets off the phone and tells her mom "PaPa found me a boyfriend!"

The next day, Lily wakes me up and proceeds to hand me another piece of paper and a pen, instructing me to write a letter to Mimi telling her how she doesn't want to wait any longer for a boyfriend, she wants him NOW. It went something like this:
Dear Mimi,
I don't want to wait until I am 15 for my boyfriend. I want to see him now, please please!
Love, Lily
Then she put 75 cents into an envelope with her letter and had me address it to Mimi, even though I told her we could save 41 cents by sending her letter via email. She also made me swear I would send it tomorrow, SWEAR mommy!!
What was the 75 cents for? Shipping charges? Her dowry? Good grief.

Yesterday's Prayers

Lord, Please send my kids a random insect to be occupied with so I can sleep just five minutes longer. Amen.
Holy Father, please guide my sleeping body down the stairs so that I don't fall and break my neck because I have been ordered to make pancakes this morning. Amen.
Jesus, thank You for DVD players and DVDs. Amen.
Dear Jesus, please have mercy on me and let me skip this month. PLEASE. Amen.
Dear Jesus, thanks for considering it anyway. Amen.
Lord, please let me have just one more box of macaroni and cheese in the pantry. Amen.
Father, please forgive me for making Lily help Caleb change his pull-up because changing 50 a day can get pretty daunting, and hey she wasn't doing much anyway. Amen.
Jesus, please guide this turkey sandwich away from my hips. Thank you! Amen.
Lord, please forgive me for rescuing five ice cream sandwiches from the freezer in under an hour. Amen.
Jesus, will You stop up the neighbor's dog so he'll quit crapping in my garden? Thanks! Amen.
Dear Lord, just three more hours. Please get me through these final three hours.... Amen.
Holy Father, thank You for chlorine pools that clean children just as good as a regular bath would. Amen.
Holy One, please let this rotten child go to sleep soon. Amen.
Jesus, thank You again for DVD players! Amen.
Dear Lord, I thank You for today and pray that we all... ZZZZZZZZZZZ

WANTED: One Boyfriend

Ok, so for a while now Lily has been saying she wants a boyfriend because someone in her class had one and she was five like her and stuff. I ask her why she wants a boyfriend, and she says so she can play with him and kiss him and hug him. Uugghh. I've tried everything to discourage her, like boys have germs, they'll want you to get a job and pay all the bills, why get a boyfriend if you don't want a baby in your tummy (she told me that too. I guess she's going to adopt! WOO HOO!!), boys are mean, etc. Nothing is working!
Today she came upstairs and handed me a piece of paper and a pen and said
"Mom. I want you to write a sign that says I want a boyfriend and will marry him."
"What are you going to do with it?"
"I'm going to put it on the porch for someone to see and he will knock on my door."
Now I'm rolling!!
So this is what I wrote:
I WANT A BOYFRIEND TO MARRY. BUT MY MOM TOLD ME NO, SO DON'T BOTHER APPLYING WITHIN.
What am I going to do when she starts reading?
She's putting it on the door as we speak.

Modern Day Jonah 1

Wow! It's been nearly a month since I posted last! I'm sorry!
Just a snippet before I really get going:
Lily and I had eggs this morning for breakfast, and of course, she's asking all kinds of questions, like "Where do eggs come from?"
"The chickens lay them."
"Oh. Gross. Oh, and then they sit on them right?"
"Yup."
"I want to sit on an egg and let it hatch."
"You have to sit there for a long time for it to hatch."
"Well, you can help me. We can take turns!"
It took a lot to talk her out of sitting on an egg from the refrigerator.....

Anyhow.... The kids and I just got back from spending a week at my in-laws. While I was there, my brother Zac and his clan came down, and in the midst of all that hubalaboo I got talked into riding with Zac to Shreveport to get his car to my sister whom he is selling it to. (It was a complicated thing. I rode with them to Shreveport, they had a friend pick them up there and take them home, and I drove the car to Dallas while my mom drove my car with my kids to Dallas so that we can switch cars and she can drive it back and give it to Taryn. Whew.) So anyway, here comes Saturday. Who is going? Zac, his wife Raysha, their son Zayden and his ginormous car seat, Raysha's brother K (Not even gonna try to spell it cause I know I will mess it up. HINT: It rhymes with weigh-in.) and me. What are we cramming into? A 2000 Ford Escort. Let me try and draw you a (mental, since my stupid computer won't cooperate!) picture of what we all looked like in this thing:

I occupy the ENTIRE space between the car seat, door, and headrest. I had to raise a butt cheek and lean over the baby to shut the door! Zac (a.k.a. Long and Lanky) is crammed under the steering wheel, while poor K (a.k.a. L&L2) is folded into the opposite space as me. Raysha I guess was comfortable... I know Zayden was, cause he got a whole three square feet of seat. Hence the big smile on his face for most of the car ride. Why do car seats have to be so frikkin big?! I'm not even gonna try and illustrate the trunk, it was so packed I could hear the lid groaning. Now, we'll be crammed in here for a whole like six hours. LOVELY. Oh, and the best part? There's a DOG in here too! Sadly they had to leave the hamster. Bummer. Luckily Booger is only a four pound mini something and so he fits rather well in the confines of the abyss that is the floorboard, which I cannot see. I guess there was enough air down there to support mammalian life.
Zac had gotten two of the tires changed while they were down, so we thought we were set. Wrong.

Modern Day Jonah 2

Two or three hours out we start experiencing this horrible wobbling that only gets worse the further we go. So we pull over to see what's up, Zac tightens all four tires, and we start again. It's even worse; so much so that Zayden has discovered that when he jabbers his voice bounces and it sounds really funny, as do ours while we're trying to discuss what the problem could be.
Then..... *POP**WOOSH**!!!!
And Zac says, "I guess that's what the problem was."
I thought his wife was going to crack one over his head.
We all get out. Sure enough, the right rear tire is blown (the side I'm on.... coincidence? I think not). Zac and K start unburying the spare tire while I get on the phone to locate the nearest Discount Tire location. Yep, we're cheap and not ashamed to admit it!! Luckily there is one about thirty miles away. Zac finds the donut and puts it on, and now we have to find a spot for the busted tire! Geez!! While he is figuring that out, the rest of us are talking and joking and I say, "Maybe one of us isn't supposed to leave Texas, you know, like Jonah!"
We collectively decide it is K. I guess cause he was the youngest of the "adults." Yes, adults is in quotations for a reason!
Zac miraculously finds a spot for the tire in the trunk and now he has to put the puzzle pieces that are the rest of the luggage back together so that they will fit into the trunk. Whew!
So we get to DT, and we all (including Booger) go chill in the waiting area.
Thirty minutes later, we're on our way.
We arrive uneventfully, albeit numbly, in Shreveport and sneak Booger into the motel room (there's that cheapness again!) in a pillowcase. Then Zac's friend Kevin arrives, and we have a party. Not really. The guys went out to eat while Raysha and I put Zayden to bed.
They get back, and we're trying to figure out sleeping arrangements. Let me illustrate how it all panned out: Zac and Raysha slept on one bed. Kevin and K (unwillingly) share the other bed. I am on an air mattress shoved between the door, a desk, K&K's bed and a huge air conditioner. I thought it was going to burst. So we all drift off to sleep. Well, I was on my way when all of a sudden....
"ZAC ZAC ZAC OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH ZAC GET UP GET UP HE'S STUCK GET UP!!"
We all jump up, and Zac is between the beds doing this linebacker pose with his hands out to his sides, hopping to and fro saying "WHAT WHAT WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??!!"
Turns out Zayden had gotten stuck between the wall and the bed. No big emergency. Zayden gets rescued. All is well. I put down the dog and the laptop and crawl back into bed.
The next day we go our separate ways pretty uneventfully. That is, until I get home and Zac calls me. Kevin's car has just blown two tires.
I now had a strong suspicion someone wasn't meant to leave Texas. Probably K because he's the youngest. I mean really, coincidence? I think not!! I advise Zac to leave K on the side of the road once they get the tires fixed, I mean be nice and drop him off at McDonald's or something, but good grief!! Something's going on here!!
They finally make it home some three hours after they should have been home, and here my story ends.
It will be a LONG time before I go to Shreveport again.

Child Logic

The other day my darling daughter and I had this conversation:
"Mom. How come you have boobies and I don't?"
"Well, when you get older you'll go through puberty and then you will get them."
"Oh. What are boobies for?"
"When you have a baby in your tummy your boobs produce milk so you can feed the baby after it is born."
"Your boobs have milk in them?"
"No, it only happens when you have a baby in your tummy."
"Oh. What's in them right now?"
"Nothing. It's just skin and fat."
"Oh."
Later that night, Caleb and I have this endearing conversation:
---pokes me in the boob--
"Boobies!!"
"Yes. Don't poke them."
"Is there milk in there?"
"Nope, not anymore."
"Just fat?"
"Yeah."
"Like your tummy?"
Ggrrr...

Death By No Diet

After much thought I have concluded that I will die, or at least lose my right foot, if I do not start dieting. Let me elaborate.
We were in Wal-mart the other day, and James made the mistake of taking a short cut through the ice cream isle. In moments I was drooling onto the window showcasing the Ben and Jerry's ice cream. So we decided to get some. James picks New York Super Fudge Chunk and I pick Peanut Butter Cup. When I retrieve them, my pint slips through my fingers (surprise surprise) and falls right on the top of my foot! Oouucchh! Now I have a big nasty bruise on my foot that still hurts.
You know what creeps me out? This is the second time it has happened! Same store, same flavor, same foot! If I drop another one on there I think it may burst a vein and blood will flow out and corrode my muscles and they'll have to amputate it. Ok, I'm a little dramatic.
But get this.
I get a hankering for a Starbucks Frappuccino, so on the way home I ask James to stop by there. This one is in a shopping strip and doesn't have a drive-thru so I have to haul my fat self across the parking lot. I get my venti frap and while walking towards the car I almost get hit my this huge truck! Geez! Can't that kid see I'm enjoying my 2500 calories??
Thus, my conclusion.
I will die or lose a foot if I do not start dieting.
Or I could sit at home and have James bring me my B&J's and frapps. Hrmmm....

Swimming With The B's

Here I am again! I never seem to go away, do I? I haven't been writing because the pool at our apartment complex finally opened up! Woo hoo! The kids and I have been swimming almost every day. It's very good exercise, when you don't cancel it out with a Big Mac and jumbo fries! I PROMISE I will do my Pilates tomorrow, flabby abby, I promise.
Anyway, the B family went swimming the other night and I thought I'd blog about it.
First, I had to find a bathing suit. (dum dum DUM)
Off to Walmart I go. Fortunately I didn't have the kids that week. I go to the fat woman section and start browsing. I have already decided the bikini went out with my first child's birth, and tankinis are just too short, they roll up over my belly. So I am reduced to a one-piece. I find a really cute black one with a gold ring between the "boobies". PLUS, it has tummy comtrol! Yeah! So I grab a 1X and head to the fitting room.
No go. I'm jumping and grunting and pulling and it's just not going over my stomach.
Head back out. Search and search and finally find a 3X. Here we go again.
This time, it's so big my boobs keep falling out, and I actually feel skinny! But alas, it doesn't fit. Figures. I finally find the perfect bathing suit and they don't have my size.
On the off chance, I go looking for a 2X. Surely they won't have one, I say to myself. I'm working myself up for a disappointment.
But there... in the dark chasm of the flipped-off-the-hanger-don't-have-time-to-put-it-back-on vacuum of forgotten bathing suits.... I see a glimmer of gold....
No. It can't be. But as I reach in and grab it, bringing it slowly up, the fluorescent lights make the gold ring flicker so beautifully, and I know. I just know.
Tepidly I find the tag.... and there it is, in bold black letters: 2X!!
Woo hoo!!!
It's funny when James gets home that night. I'm sitting on the couch when he walks in. I casually inform him I went bathing suit shopping. I see his eyes get big and he slowly backs towards the door he just entered.
"No, it's ok babe. I found the perfect one!"
We celebrated by buying 6 pints of Ben and Jerry's.
Anyway, the B family went swimming the other night and I thought I'd blog about it.
James swims for about 10 minutes then vegetates in the hot tub for the rest of the hour or so. I can't really blame him, I mean he does work all day in the blistering heat... but c'mon! Your wife is in a smoking hot bathing suit, the kids are occupied and you want to SIT THERE?!! Whatever.
I, on the other hand, love water. Rain, puddles, swimming pools, love it. This pool happens to have three shower head thingies that "rain" into the pool. So I swim about and then stand autistically under the rain for 45 minutes. Love it.
Lily runs and jumps into the pool, oh, a million times. Every time we are obliged to watch her do this! but the jump never changes. Oh! She did add a spin once.
Caleb likes to spin around as much as I like water. When he gets tired, frustrated or mad he gets on his Sit-N-Spin and away he goes. He's been known to spin himself to sleep or throw up and jump back on it again.
Can you guess what he's doing in the pool?
Yup. Spinning. The whole time. And when one of us gets into his "spinning zone" he lashes out with a scream and a few kicks.
So there we are.
ZZZZZZ (asleep in the hot tub)
Ooohhhh... rain.....
"WATCH THIS MOM CAN YOU SEE ME ARE YOU WATCHING WATCH ME MOM LOOK!!!"
Spin. Spin. Spin. Spin.

Miscellany 2

I found a banana in the peanut butter jar the other day. Apparently Caleb had tried dipping the banana into the peanut butter, it didn't work, so he shoved it all in there, closed it and put it back into the pantry.

We were in the car coming home from picking up Lily from school and she was shaking her Weekly Reader very annoyingly. When I asked her to stop, she said "Mom! I'm trying to make a movie!"

The kids are at Nana's house for a week! Woo hoo! James was also off yesterday for Memorial Day, so we spent all day eating four different flavors of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and watching the first season of My Name Is Earl. Today James is out of town over night at his job (boo!), so here is how I've kept myself occupied:
1. Woke up at 10 and ate Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream for breakfast.
2. Surfed the Internet for 3 hours.
3. Went to the bank.
4. Worked on a puzzle to build my brain muscles for 2 hours.
5. Ate strawberries and corn flakes for lunch.
6. Took a nap.
7. Considered doing the laundry, but nah, hopped back online instead.
I miss the kids, but man do I like to sleep in and not have to negate arguments all day!

New Pets

It has come to my attention recently that staying at home caring for two young children can be monotonous and boring. I have had pets all of my life, and so have my kids mostly. We were all getting "pet lonely" because our apartment requires a $400 deposit to have a pet. Boo!
The other day we received in the mail a check for past child support (I know! I almost fell into my new garden in shock!) and I decided to get the kids and myself a pet.
So off to the pet store we went.
Caleb wanted a hairless rat. Ewww, no.
Lily wanted a chinchilla. This girl is gonna be high maintenance, I can tell.
Then I saw the guinea pigs. I asked the pet store lady about them. She said yeah, they're great for kids, very tame, make cute noises, eat out of your hand, easy to maintain, etc. I told her once we had two hamsters, but one was accidentaly dropped and, you know.
So we became the proud owners of a guinea pig named Lenny.
As we were leaving, Lily carrying the animal box, she leans over her shoulder and shouts "I promise I won't kill this one!" You should have seen the looks of pity Lenny recieved.
We took him home, set up his cage, and watched him run into his box. And never come out.
I've caught him a few times and the kids and I have held him, even fed him little treats.
But other than that, he sits still in your lap, or runs into his box and hides.
This guinea pig isn't living up to the cute pet I had envisioned! Not even one cute noise!
I am determined, though.
Today I was in the kitchen washing dishes and the phone rang. I guess it scared Lenny because he made a chirping noise. His first word! Awww!
This will take time, but I think he will be a good pet.

This weekend we also acquired two baby red eared slider turtles. They are so funny! We just lay there and watch them chase each other, look at us, climb on top of each other trying to get out of the aquarium; they even eat funny. I'm kinda liking them, and James is too. He won't admit it, but he's a sucker for animals.

Oh. We caught a caterpillar outside and the kids wanted to keep it in a box to watch it morph into a butterfly (why did I have to open my big mouth?). So we put it into a box with leaves and branches and stuff. It was dead five hours later. Oh well.

Evil Bank Tellers

Do you remember the days when your parents went to the bank drive thru and you got all excited because you knew the person at the other end of that vacuum tube was going to send out suckers for the kids? Your mouth would water just waiting in line for your parents to do whatever they did with their money that didn't grow on trees, and by the time the suckers came you could already hear the crackle of the wrapper coming off that delicious sucker.
My question is, why don't they send out suckers any more?
You know they have the money to buy them. Seriously, how much does a bag of suckers cost? Not much at Dollar General. There's gotta be some petty cash around there somewhere. And, how many people actually dare to take two toddlers with them to the drive thru (besides me)? Do they not send suckers to see the parents' faces fall when they realize the snotty bank teller has not sent suckers to temporarily pacify their screaming children? Are they trying to lose customers?
C'mon people. Think of the kids!