Number Jungle

Nowadays in kindergarten they teach them their phone number and address, which is good but kind of a hassle. Of course, Lily is just too smart for this sort of thing. This is what her teacher told me. When she asked if anyone knew their phone number, Lily said: "Yes. My number is 2."
"But your phone number can't be 2."
"Yes it is!!"
"No, there's more than one number in your phone number."
"Oh, it is 2 and then TALK."
"Let's learn your whole phone number."
"My number is 2 and than TALK. Nana's is 3, and Mimi's is 4. Taryn is 5 and my friend Skylar is 9."
You see, my cell phone has speed dial, and I taught Lily who is on which number because I got tired of her bringing the phone to me and asking me to dial a certain person for her. Plus, every person she meets she wants to give our phone number to, and so I told her to tell her friends her phone number was 2.
Now I have to rewire her brain to accommodate this information, which is baffling her.
"But Mom. YOU SAID my phone number was 2."
"I know."
"So I said 2!"
"But it's not. It's really a long number."
"So.... you LIED to me?"
"Oh good grief...."
To help her remember the real phone number, I made up a little rhyme since she's been on a rhyming thing lately ("Mom! SNOT and POT! They RHYME!!"). It goes something like this:
**5, I've got the vibe!
**8, I'm getting them straight!
***3, that's the number for me!
I thought it was good but she just looked at me weird, even when I tried to convince her it was cool and she could even dance to it if she wanted. She wasn't buying it. She just went on drawing and said
"Mom. You look so funny."

***Notes from Mom***
There's nothing like having your kids make you feel stupid.

My Mimi Moment 2

"Hey babe."
"Yeah?"
"You put our anniversary on the calendar on the 23rd."
"Yup."
"It's on the 27th."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Here, let me fix it....."
--grabs pen and draws an arrow from the 23rd to the 27th--
"That looks nice."
"You know what's really funny?"
"What?"
"There's a plaque right over there on the wall that says
'United In Love
James and Talia
September 27th, 2003'."

Pieces Of Me

I got this wild crack head idea yesterday that I would try waxing my legs for the following reasons:
1. We're going out for our anniversary this weekend.
2. The waxing strips were on sale.
3. If this went terribly wrong, I'd have one really funny blog to write.
Guess what happened.
So I buy the crap and get home and prop my leg on the coffee table because I'm really out of shape and I can't put my feet on the floor and bend over my gut to see my legs. I follow the directions:
Rub the strip between your hands to warm it.
Place it on the leg.
Rub in the direction of hair growth for five seconds.
Rip it off.
Honestly, it didn't hurt that bad. I liked ripping off my epidermis, which is exactly what happened. I lost the first layer of skin BUT NO HAIR. Tell me how that's possible! It's not! Only for me! So now the only thing that works to remove my leg hair is shaving. I've tried depilatories, all of them, and now cold waxing. With the results I got, I won't be trying hot wax any time soon. I tried re-waxing, but that was kinda hurting. Plus, the following objects were now glued to the coffee table:
My foot.
My cell phone.
Six wax strips.
A washcloth.
A child.
(Hey, she wanted to stick her finger on it, so I let her. I bet she doesn't do it again!)
So I gave up and went upstairs and shaved my legs. Now, I don't know if the waxing, the shaving or an allergic reaction contributed to my results, but here they are:

I hope you can see the pieces of my skin that are missing/flaking off. So much for "Sexy, smooth legs for up to four weeks!!" This sh*t hurts.
P.S.
You can click on them to make them bigger. The third one really is AWESOME.

Little Boy Blue

I woke up this morning..... and Caleb's legs were blue.
Apparently, he'd gotten up in the night and decided to eat some blueberries. Only one got into his mouth I'm guessing, because seven were smashed into his sheet and t-shirt. The sheets were salvageable because they were already blue. But his shirt, a white one that James brought from Egypt, was not. Hey at least they didn't get on the carpet, right? Oh, and did you know that blueberries stain skin too? He still has blue splotches on his legs. They look like Arabian chicken pox or something.

Now that Lily is in school, Caleb and I have had more time together, and I am really beginning to see his personality emerge. He loves to be read to, which is great but kind of frustrating sometimes, like when I'm in the bathroom. Oh, and he's discovered The Pagemaster. Uuuggghhh! He's watched that stinking movie 18 times in one week!! What's worse is he alternates with Jumanji, which is equally irritating. "Mom! Look at the rinotherous! An the elefunts!! They running!! De monkeys are getting in trouble. Dere momma gonna spank dem."

In the potty training area, we're still working on getting him to poop in the toilet. I've run out of ideas. I'm not using maxi pads in his underwear anymore because I got tired of changing his tighty whiteys when he "missed." Now another problem has emerged: he can't keep the stream in the toilet! I am constantly wiping pee off the seat and floor, then assailing it with Lysol ("Mom, dere's smoke in here!"). I think his problem is he gets going and then gets distracted, but when I try to keep him on target he says "Stop looking at me, Mom!"
"Well, keep your pee in the potty!"
"I'm trying but it just goes EVERYWHERE!"
He cracks me up.

Travelling With The B's

"Mom, what town are we in?"
"Cleburne."
"What comes after Cleburne?"
"I don't know."
"What comes after I don't know?"
"I said I don't know."
"What comes after I said I don't know?"
"Lily!"
"What comes after Lily?"
"A spanking."
"What comes after a spanking?"
"Lily stop!"
"What comes after Lily stop?"
--silence--
"Mom."
--quiet--
"Mom!"
--nothing--
"MOM!!"
"What?!"
"Are we still in Cleburne?"
"Yes, Lily."
"What comes after Cleburne?"

Conversation With My Body 2

"Heeeelllpppp meeeeee........"
"Did you hear that?"
"Heeeellllpppp meeee...."
"Who is making that racket?"
"I think it's Body."
"Oh good grief, what now?"
"Heeellllppp meeeee......"
"What do you want?"
"Thank goodness you're here! Throw me a line!"
"What?"
"I'm drowning!! Help me!!"
"You are not drowning, Body."
"How would you know? You just sit up there all day and think, think think...."
"Oh really. Tell me, how can you be drowning if you're not even near a body of water?"
"I'm drowning in FRUIT and VEGETABLES and WHOLE GRAINS!!"
"I'm out of here."
"You know what would save me? A double cheeseburger. It floats! And some fries for paddles would be nice."
"Whatever."
"No don't go! Seriously!! I need help!"
"You need a heavy sedative."
"Get me that cheeseburger before I DIE!!!"

RE: Kindergarten

This came from my cousin Lauren after she read my post about kindergarten:

"Tell Tally everybody in the office says she needs to
put together a book! So stinking hilarious!
It's even better that we're the same age and go
through some of the same life situations around the
same time. Man, that girl makes me laugh!!"

Okay, first of all, the "Tally." GAG. I hate that nickname. It makes me think of tally mark, tally whacker or tally sticks. Second, she may have two kids around the same age as mine, but we DO NOT go through the same life situations. Her kids are angels compared to mine. How many times has one covered the other with diaper rash cream? Or smothered the guinea pig with hand sanitizer? Or painted the walls with their feces? Or killed two pets? Or stopped up the bathtub with toilet paper?
When her kids come around I see well behaved, polite, clean little people.
When my kids come around people usually scramble to get away, especially the cashiers at Wal-Mart.

Camping With The B's

Every Labor Day a friend of ours has a camp out on her ranch and we usually try to go, if no major calamities occur. Holy Cheez Whiz, what was I thinking?!
We got down to the campsite, which is by a river and in the middle of nowhere and set up camp. We'd gotten a four man tent and a queen size air mattress, and there wasn't much room for our stuff. Do you know how much crap you have to pack to go camping? Good grief! We had two big bags, a cooler, three bags of non-cooler food, pillows, the mattress and tent, chairs, and sheets just to name a few items. We hardly had room for the kids in the car. So we stuff everything into the tent and the kids immediately find the "dirt pit," which is a pile of dirt that leads down to the river. Red dirt, not regular dirt. But this is our vacation, right? I let them play.
Soon it was time for bed. It had been raining off and on all day so we had to put the rain tarp over the tent, then we all piled in (after we peed in the bushes, mind you).
Let me tell you just in case you were wondering.... two adults and two kids cannot sleep comfortably on a queen size air mattress. Well, one adult and two kids can, but I couldn't. I had to sleep by Lily, which is like sleeping with an octopus because she snuggles up to you and the more you try to get away from her the more arms and legs she sprouts to hang onto you with. Plus, it was hotter than Hades in that freaking tent, and I cannot sleep when I am sweating. So I tossed and turned until, oh, three a.m. Every time I got away from Lily I got uncomfortable and had to roll over, which meant she rolled down into the hole I created while sitting up to turn over. Then I have to try and push her back up "the hill" while rolling over the opposite way and.... it was a big mess. Plus every time I moved everyone else moved, and that made me feel nice and fat.
In case you didn't know, my kids get up at the butt crack of dawn, and James sleeps until noon if he doesn't have to work. So guess who got up with the kids? Yup. It was me. We're up and we all get dressed in the little bitty tent that only they can stand up in, and they go play in the dirt. James gets up about four hours later, and we have a pretty good day. It was only 95 degrees outside, the kids had three playmates and five Labs to harass plus a pool to swim in, and so far I hadn't had to poop.
And then......
That wench Aunt Flo shows up. Stupid ho. But, I had come prepared, and there was a nice couple down there in a $90,000 travel trailer who let us use their bathroom when we needed to. So now we didn't have to do our business in the woods anymore. Which was great because every time Lily had to pee she would meticulously pick a spot, circle around to make sure it wasn't infested with insects, squat, start peeing, see some ants and jump up screaming while still peeing and inevitably get pee on her shoes as well as mine.
Bedtime again. This time we put the kids to bed with a flashlight and go mingle with the adult folk, who have a karaoke machine, hurricanes and gardaritas or whatever they were called. Soon everyone is drunk except for me, even though I had four fairly good sized drinks, and singing karaoke. It was fun. Then I got bored and went to bed,while James stayed up to croon with the other alley cats.
About an hour later I get up to bring James to bed, because the last time he got drunk he fell in the bathroom and nearly knocked himself unconscious. After searching for a few minutes and not finding him, I start asking the others if they'd seen him. Have you ever tried to get pertinent information from a drunk?
"Hey guys, have y'all seen James?"
--blank looks--
"Um, he was here when I went to bed and now I can't find him."
"Was he drinking?"
"Umm, yeah."
"What was he drinking?"
WTF? "Bud Light."
"Hey, I think this is his beer!" --holds up a can--
"Do you know where he is?"
"No man, I just found it over there on the table and started drinking it."
"Umm, okay, but did you see where he went?"
"He probably had to pee 'cause we gotta pee sometimes."
"Really? That's fascinating."
"What, man?"
"Nothing, man."
So I grab the flashlight and guess where I find him? Sitting in a chair outside our tent. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was sleeping upright because he thought he would puke downright. Then he asked me for the bug spray. I went back to bed. I slept a lot better that night, I guess due to the drinks. The next morning we all get up and eat breakfast, and the kids go play. Soon, they are back, covered in mud. I look at James and ask him if he's ready to leave. He is.
I guess I'm just not the camping type. I don't like bugs that are bigger than my foot, sleeping in an overly crowded hot tent, peeing in a bush, and drinking unidentified drinks in 90 degree weather. It was a pretty good trip, overall, but call me hoity toity, I was ready to go home. Plus I was hormonal, and hormones without air conditioning is just asking for trouble.

Kindergarten

Kindergarten.
Wow. I never thought I'd make it this far without shipping her to Japan. With the arrival of Lily's first and second day in kindergarten came these realizations:
1. My little girl isn't so little any more!
2. I have to get up at 6:30 a.m.
Number one makes me kind of sad. About six years ago I was staring at a stick with two pink lines on it thinking to myself, 'Crap. Guess I'll be grounded for this.' Six months later I was huge and sweating through a hot August summer while cursing my ex. After she was born, Dad came into our room and said, 'Well Tally, tomorrow you need to go out and get a job.' Guess I'm not a carefree teenager anymore. I had a whole other PERSON to take care of, not just cleaning my room and taking out the trash. THAT was a reality check.
Two years later I met her father (THAT sounds ironic...) and the years starting flying by, especially after Caleb was born. Suddenly, she was no longer the dark haired infant who first smiled at me while I was changing her millionth diaper but a loud, energetic, brazen mini-teenager. What happened? Life. Every mother goes through her days of reminisce, and with them comes another realization: I have to teach this little person how to BE a decent human being. Um, where did that instruction manual go....
Ah, the Bible. The perfect manual. But how am I supposed to teach my kids to be a God-fearing, morally outstanding citizen when I am just learning myself? So lately I've been trying to balance my own learning with experimentation, kind of like the kids and I are learning together. But I digress....
Number two makes me sad too. At 6:30 a.m. I am groggy, grumpy, ill-willed and hormonal to boot. But I have to get up and get her ready, because if she is tardy too many days I go to jail. That's another thing I wish I had thought of before getting really drunk and... getting kidnapped by aliens who impregnated me with an experimental sub-species of ATTITUDE. Not only do you have to teach them how to be human, cook for, clean, dress, discipline, reward, potty train and chaperon them, you have to get them up at an indecent hour and hurry them off to school for 190 days out of the year. By my calculations, I will be getting up early at least 2,850 days solely for educational purposes.
Bring it on.

***Notes From Mom***
Wait until her graduation day and you think... Oh, crap!...No!..I'm not finished with her yet!! Then you realize that she is setting sail and you didn't teach her everything imaginable about sailing. Been there...Love, Mom

Conversation With The He-Child

This morning Caleb and I were laying down trying to take a nap, because waking a three year old up at 6:30 a.m. and then expecting him to function without a complete meltdown for the rest of the day is irrational. So we were talking about our upcoming camping trip, which will be a disaster to say the least not only because all four of us will be sleeping in a tent, but because we will have to relieve ourselves in the woods. Fun fun. I told Caleb we were going to go dove hunting and fishing, and he said that if he caught a shark he was going to throw it back before it ate him.
"Well, if he does start eating you I'll scream 'No! Get off my little boy!' How about that?"
"Yeah!"
"But what if I catch a shark and it starts eating me?"
"I will throw him back."
"That's good. What about if it starts to eat Lily? What will you do?"
"Nothing!"
"Nothing? You wouldn't throw it back for her?"
"Nope."
So the lines are drawn.....

Adventures With Mimi 4 --- The Beginning

Looking through my old emails, I came across one from Mom.
It was her response to the carnival blog.
Ah the Runaway Mine Train, where it all began. You know that moment in your life when you realize your mom has a quirky/evil side to her? This is the story of my moment.
Mom had volunteered to be a chaperon on my seventh grade choir trip to Six Flags. We had a pretty good time, our choir sung for some competition that we didn't even place in because we were all focused on the Six Flags trip. When we got there we did the usual hum-bug things that people who ABSOLUTELY HATE ROLLER COASTERS AND ANY OTHER RIDE COMBINING HEIGHT AND SPEED do, because I am one of those people. Apparently mom is not.
Oh so cunning was her approach....
"Let's go on this one, I used to ride it all the time when I was your age, it's fun, come on!"
After I thoroughly grilled her and was satisfied that this ride was going to be slow and all sissy-fied, I climbed into the car beside her.
The ride starts off by slowly going through this house set up with dolls or something in each room. I can't really recall, I think my brain has blocked those memories out.
Anyway we're going nice and slow and I'm almost convinced this is going to be fun, when I notice we're heading into a wall.
"Mom? There's a wall up there."
"Uh huh."
"Are we going to hit it, I mean because we're kind of speeding up..."
"No, we won't hit it." Hee hee hee!
"It sure looks like it, I mean... what are you laughing about? Mom? Mom!"
"Hee hee hee hee!!!"
"Seriously Mom we're about to crash into a wall and you're AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!"
That's how the rest of the ride went, me swearing that I'll never do anything she suggests ever again and screaming my head off while she laughs like a drunken hyena.
She loved it. I however am scarred for life. James, you can blame her for my inability to pass a roller coaster without hyperventilating and yelling "You're sick! A sick, twisted mother!"

***Notes from Mom***
You make it sound so bad......

Fart Fun

Yesterday I scared James for the first time in our four years together. I was sitting on the bathroom sink flossing. I sit there so I can be close to the mirror to make sure I get everything from between my teeth. And here comes James, two fingers ready to annihilate any subtly clogged pore I may have on my back. I usually don't mind being picked on but when I'm trying to concentrate on something and I'm constantly being interrupted by pinching pain, I tend to get nasty. Really nasty. So there he was, concentrating on a stubborn blackhead, when I saw my opportunity......
BBRRRAAAAPPPPP!!!!!
You know how farts echo off a smooth surface. James jumped back with this priceless look on his face like someone had fired a gun at close range and he was going through all of his mental military files to determine a proper response. Then he hastily retreated to the bedroom while I laughed myself onto the floor. The really mean thing about it was I was watching in the mirror to see his reaction! Isn't that sick? Later he commented that he was surprised he got away with both his shoes intact. I think I laughed until midnight.

Isn't That Stupid?!!

• You can view your Sprint bill online, but to get any explanations you have to call them and wait on hold for 20 minutes because their dumb "Explain My Bill" section only has pictures of bills and tags like "This is how many travel minutes you used" instead of "Click here for a definition of travel minutes and how you can avoid them."
• There are forty thousand people at Wal-Mart and only three cashiers, two of whom are of the express lane type.
• Cingular haunts you for four years to pay a $300 bill, then makes a settlement in a lawsuit and sends you a refund check for the $300 that you didn't pay in the first place.
• 75% of America is overweight, yet it costs about $400 a year to use a gym and $80 per paycheck to buy wholesome foods, not to mention what you can spend on diet pills.
  
• There is a $100,000 shower for sale, while children everywhere are starving.
• You forget your debit PIN number, and still can't remember it 24 hours later.
• If you lose your purse moving to Illinois please be aware that to obtain an Illinois driver's licence, you need the Texas licence and social security card that was in said purse. To get a new social security card you need to present two forms of picture ID, as in your Texas driver's lisence and your military ID, which are in the lost purse. There are no exceptions to this rule.
  
• If you work all summer planting a beautiful flower garden, the landscapers will mow it all down and your husband will comment that they probably did it because the flowers looked like weeds, and then doesn't understand why you are upset.
  
• Your kids can yell at you in a store but if you yell back you get ugly looks.
• Life jackets come with this warning: "Do not carry heavy objects while wearing this life jacket. Heavy objects impede floatation." That's good to know.
  
• You gain ten pounds in the week before your period.
  

That Holy Feeling 4

Every time our little family tries to take a trip anywhere, Lily gets sick. Seriously, she'll develop a runny nose going to Walmart. So of course, when we arrive in San Antonio for our Sea World trip, she starts running a 102-103 temperature and complaining that her throat hurt.
I let it go with Advil for two days, then we took her into the ER because that's the only way Humana would cover an out of area visit. Blah blah blah.
The wait wasn't too long because we were there on a Wednesday afternoon and they had a really cool kids waiting area. Lily and I get to the back, what I often refer to as the Labyrinth of Medical Mystery because you're always hearing strange noises and people screaming. The doctor on call is Dr. Abubu or something, and he says, quote "I don't think she have big problem. Just a virus, no worries. Give Advil and water, lots of sleep. Have good day!" Okay.
We go home and finish up the day and I lay down to say my prayers. I pray really hard for Lily to get better mainly because she felt horrible and was running a high temperature, but also because we want to go to Sea World, darn it!! He is the Healer, so I knew I could count on Him.
He didn't disappoint.
Lily woke up the next morning without a fever, sore throat, or soreness!!! What's more, she stayed that way for the rest of the trip!!
Praise the Lord!!!

Getting Naked At Sea World.... And Other Things

Oh, where do I start?
We have been planning a trip to Sea World since last year, which means the kids have been talking about it for eleven months straight. Everyone was hyped up and excited, even me as I packed everything but the toilet seat and plunger. James works during the week in San Antonio, and he was going to be the only worker there this week, so we all went and stayed at the employee apartment. For a whole week. While James worked during the day. Just me, the kids and Lenny. Anyway, staying in a strange apartment with the kids all day wasn't the worst part. Lily got sick, right on cue (the past three trips we've made she's been sick on! I'm sure Humana loves us.). She had a 102-103 fever, so we took her to the ER. The doctor, who spoke broken English, said "I don't think she have big problem. Just a virus, no worries. Give Advil and water, lots of sleep. Have good day!" For the rest of this story, see the next blog.
So, after swimming for three days straight and trying to keep the apartment's CREAM COLORED CARPET stain free, it was Sea World time!!
We got there about 9:30 and went straight to the Dolphin Cove to feed some porpoises. Well, the feeding booth didn't open up for another hour, plus the cost of a basket of fish was $5! For three fish! Dead fish!! The wailing begins. Ok, so we'll go see the sharks. Nope. They don't open until 11. If you're going to advertise that your park opens at 10 why are all the exhibits closed until 11?!! Caleb starts crying harder because now he's been disappointed twice in one hour, and that makes James irritated. He threatens to leave the park and take us home, which kinda didn't work. Cue for me to be the sweet, consoling mother and the glaring eyed wife.
SO we were forced to see the smelly Clydesdale's, which I guess was cool because I kinda like horses. When they're safely behind bars and I am safely behind a rope. Which isn't much for a six foot, one ton animal to barrage through but hey, it's all good.
After that we meander over to the water park, which is why I wanted to come. I HATE hot weather, especially when I am walking four miles hunched over a stroller pushing a 45 pound little girl who COULD walk on her own but NO.... I digress.
On the way we pass Shamu's roller coaster thing, and Caleb wants to ride it, so we stop. The boys wait in line forever because it's a Saturday and about 700,000 people have shown up for this one ride. When Caleb and James finally get up there, the operator tells him he can't take the camera on the ride. So James storms off the platform and we go to the water park. We get there and rent a locker, James swearing that next year we aren't going to bring so much crap. Caleb is still crying, which is exacerbated by me trying to put sunscreen on him. James gets more mad, I give more looks. Lily and I head to the wave pool, while Caleb and James go BACK to the ride so that Caleb will be quiet.
Ah, the wave pool. Such fun for a blond.
It was okay until the buzzer went off and the waves started and I discovered we were smack on the break line, which is the area of the pool where the waves break and well, you're going to get knocked on your a$. Lily thought it was great fun to watch me try to keep my balance, keep her from floating away, keep my flailing arms from hitting other people, and keep my gut sucked in because James wanted me to wear the tankini today. All while laughing to keep the lifeguard from jumping in and REALLY embarrassing myself, and trying to keep water out of my nose because I absolutely hate that.
And then.... Lily gets swept up as I go crashing down, she grabs for me and POP goes the boob out of my top. Now there's a dilemma: cover the boob or rescue the child. The child has a life jacket on, my boob has stretch marks. I sit down quickly and get smothered by another wave but while under that wave I get my ninny back into place. Coming up for air, I am bashed in the face by my child who is floating with the next wave in my direction. Under I go again.
Not caring if I look fat anymore or not, I grab Lily and walk (stumble? float? fall?) out of the pool. We then went to the kiddie pool, which is much more blond-friendly.
James and the crying Caleb come back, one wet from tears and the other wet with exhaustion/frustration. While conversing with my pissed husband I discover Caleb didn't eat much breakfast. Duh, the kid is hungry.
We find a wallet-sucking eatery and get our food, only to find that all the tables have been taken by people's CRAP. You know, towels, bags, shoes, floats, etc all arranged to mark that space as taken. I just plopped down next to this nice looking, non-English speaking Mexican lady and start feeding my wailing child. When lunch was over, we went and stood in line to ride the mini slide that lands you in the kiddie pool. Now I know you're expecting some catastrophe, but I actually made it down in one piece, without taking out any kids with my landing.
When we get done we go to the lazy river which is almost as fun as the wave pool but in much shallower, albeit faster moving water. So now the wailer is quiet and we're all being lazy, losing each other for a few minutes but finding each other before too long. Often Lily and I get rammed into the wall by people floating in tubes, and did you know that there are panty-pulling super jets along those walls? Yup, I found one. As soon as I realized that my derriere was exposed, a la my sister's graduation ceremony, I over react and let go of Lily who is keeping me afloat via her life jacket, which means I get sucked under the tube rider in front of me and start drowning. I come up for air, pull up my bottoms and get swept off my feet. When I come up again I'm under those stinking water fountain things and I think I'm still drowning because they're hitting me right in the face, so I'm still kind of flailing my arms. When I get my bearings straight, James catches up to me and has the gall to ask "Where's Lily?" Never mind your chlorine inhaling wife, get the safely jacketed and probably okay child.

Out of the river, we decide to see the dolphins and stuff. Only when we get there, we have two problems: Caleb is asleep and there are 5,000 people in line and around the pool. Ugh. I'm starting to wish we had come during the week. There are so many people we decide we probably can't ride any rides or see any shows. We go see the sharks instead, then visit the gift shop, which we had to leave fairly quickly because both kids started crying wanting some college fund emptying stuffed toy. Afterwards we head back to the water park, only to find that we have to wait in line because the park has "reached capacity." I'll tell you about reaching capacity. James has none, so now he's super pissed.
Eventually we get back into the park and James makes some comment about leaving, so I grab the kids and scream "Fine!! You leave! We're having a GREAT time!!"

Back to the wave pool, which is closed because some kid pooped all in the pool. We settle for the kiddie pool again, and while in there the wave pool opens back up. But we're liking the little pool so we stay and eventually decide we're hungry and tired. We get out, gather the CRAP we're NOT taking next year, sell our locker to an older guy (all the lockers had been rented, so people we're trying to buy them from people who were smart enough to get there early) and make the treacherous walk to the car in a mammoth parking lot.
We eat at McDonald's, go home and pass out.

AND, TO TOP IT ALL OFF......
I got a sunburn that most assuredly will morph my moles into melanoma.

THE ICING ON THE CAKE......
I get back and one side of my flower garden has been MOWED OVER by those incompetent landscapers!! How many brain cells do you have to have to distinguish a flowering plant from a weed?!!

Adventures With Mimi 3

Have I mentioned how, um, unique my mom is? Seriously, keep an eye on your parents as they age, it's really quite entertaining! Some of you may remember my first blog about Mimi. Others may like my second blog about her.
So, to commemorate my 100th blog, here is another Mimi story.

I am an Ebayer. I've sold some stuff on there with relative success. Nothing big, or I wouldn't be here now would I? I would be relaxing in my hot tub naked with a martini. But I digress. Mom works half part-time at the local library. How she's kept from messing that up I'll never know. Today at work mom encountered a lady who wanted to check out a book about finding the value of antiques, and mom mentioned that I sell things on Ebay, and for a small percentage of the profit maybe I could sell them for her. The lady was very interested! But mom forgot to get her name and number! Lap of luxury here I come!
Luckily, God laughed and sent another lady with some old stamps that she wanted to sell, and mom proposed the my-daughter-could-sell-that-for-you pitch. She was very interested! Mom almost lost that lead too! Apparently the lady gave mom her name and number, which mom wrote down on a piece of paper and handed to the lady. The lady put it in her purse! But apparently Mom got the info back because she emailed it to me tonight. Good grief. I told her not to hang out with that lady because I can just see the calamity that would ensue. But at least Mom's not alone in her uniqueness.

***Notes From Mom***

Hate to tell you but its getting worse...last night I turned the AC off for a while and opened the front door. Later I got hot so I shut the front door and turned the AC back on, in the dark while talking on the phone. But I kept getting hotter and hotter. I got off the phone, turned on the light and I had turned on the heater.

I told the story to Taryn, and added that she's going to have to start staying at home with me. To which she replied, "No. Talia gets you."
Let the fun begin.....

Carnival (No, Not The Cruise)

We went to a carnival nearby today. It was fun, I guess. The tickets cost $1 each, what a rip. The kids rode the racing turtles, the flying elephants, and we all went through the "History of Horror" house thing, you know where you ride through it in a rinky dink little cart? Caleb jumped at every thing that popped out, and Lily just hugged up to me. James loved it, of course.
Me?
Ok. Before you laugh, I get scared easily. Reading Stephen King creeps me out. I can't look into a mirror in the dark. My eyes look funny or something.
So during this ride, I had my eyes closed. Yes, at 23 I had my eyes closed during the corny carny ride!!
Ok, laugh it up. Get it out of your system. Tell me when your done.
Finished? Ok. Just so you know, Lily confessed she had covered her eyes through the whole thing, too.
So when we get out of the carts that I swear are going to grind to a halt under my weight, I just have to kinda lie my way out of this one.
"Babe! Did you see that mummy thing that jumped out at the end? Oh my gosh!"
"Yeah! It was so totally scary I almost lost five pounds!!"
"Yeah! And that hacker guy in the middle, I thought Caleb was gonna scream!"
"Man, I wish we had 12 more tickets, that was sooo corny I want to do it again!"
The kids had fun, and that's all that matters.

***Notes From Mom***
Aren't you going to tell them about the time I tricked you onto the Runaway Mine Train?

WANTED: One Boyfriend --- Mimi's Version

So Lily calls on the phone and Chad answers. After the usual greetings it goes something like this......

"I was looking for a boyfriend today."

"What?"

"I was looking for a BOYFRIEND today."

Chad tries to change the subject. He tries to get her to tell mom she wants pigs feet for dinner and she finally tells him she wants to talk to MiMi. What do PaPa's know about boyfriends anyway?

"Hi Lily!"

"Hi (ho hum, depressed sounding). I need a boyfriend."

"Why?"

"So I can kiss him. My friend has a boyfriend and she's 5 like me."

"Baby, you don't have to go looking for a boyfriend. You belong to God and He's already got everything figured out. He has a boyfriend for you. You don't have to worry about a thing! God will bring him to you like God brought PaPa to me."
(I didn't tell her how long it might take!)

"Is he 5 like me?"

"I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see."

"Okay (more sing song sounding..like her usual self)."

She gets off the phone and tells her mom "PaPa found me a boyfriend!"

The next day, Lily wakes me up and proceeds to hand me another piece of paper and a pen, instructing me to write a letter to Mimi telling her how she doesn't want to wait any longer for a boyfriend, she wants him NOW. It went something like this:
Dear Mimi,
I don't want to wait until I am 15 for my boyfriend. I want to see him now, please please!
Love, Lily
Then she put 75 cents into an envelope with her letter and had me address it to Mimi, even though I told her we could save 41 cents by sending her letter via email. She also made me swear I would send it tomorrow, SWEAR mommy!!
What was the 75 cents for? Shipping charges? Her dowry? Good grief.

Yesterday's Prayers

Lord, Please send my kids a random insect to be occupied with so I can sleep just five minutes longer. Amen.
Holy Father, please guide my sleeping body down the stairs so that I don't fall and break my neck because I have been ordered to make pancakes this morning. Amen.
Jesus, thank You for DVD players and DVDs. Amen.
Dear Jesus, please have mercy on me and let me skip this month. PLEASE. Amen.
Dear Jesus, thanks for considering it anyway. Amen.
Lord, please let me have just one more box of macaroni and cheese in the pantry. Amen.
Father, please forgive me for making Lily help Caleb change his pull-up because changing 50 a day can get pretty daunting, and hey she wasn't doing much anyway. Amen.
Jesus, please guide this turkey sandwich away from my hips. Thank you! Amen.
Lord, please forgive me for rescuing five ice cream sandwiches from the freezer in under an hour. Amen.
Jesus, will You stop up the neighbor's dog so he'll quit crapping in my garden? Thanks! Amen.
Dear Lord, just three more hours. Please get me through these final three hours.... Amen.
Holy Father, thank You for chlorine pools that clean children just as good as a regular bath would. Amen.
Holy One, please let this rotten child go to sleep soon. Amen.
Jesus, thank You again for DVD players! Amen.
Dear Lord, I thank You for today and pray that we all... ZZZZZZZZZZZ

WANTED: One Boyfriend

Ok, so for a while now Lily has been saying she wants a boyfriend because someone in her class had one and she was five like her and stuff. I ask her why she wants a boyfriend, and she says so she can play with him and kiss him and hug him. Uugghh. I've tried everything to discourage her, like boys have germs, they'll want you to get a job and pay all the bills, why get a boyfriend if you don't want a baby in your tummy (she told me that too. I guess she's going to adopt! WOO HOO!!), boys are mean, etc. Nothing is working!
Today she came upstairs and handed me a piece of paper and a pen and said
"Mom. I want you to write a sign that says I want a boyfriend and will marry him."
"What are you going to do with it?"
"I'm going to put it on the porch for someone to see and he will knock on my door."
Now I'm rolling!!
So this is what I wrote:
I WANT A BOYFRIEND TO MARRY. BUT MY MOM TOLD ME NO, SO DON'T BOTHER APPLYING WITHIN.
What am I going to do when she starts reading?
She's putting it on the door as we speak.