For The Love Of Scrapping

I've started scrap booking. Thanks Melissa. Its a very fun hobby and I enjoy making layouts, finding pictures, buying scissors, buying paper, buying punch out letters, buying special glue sticks... ok maybe my new hobby is spending money....
What I do not like is copying the pictures to put into the scrap book. Nine times out of ten they either don't scan right or don't print right. Wal-mart does have a pretty good Kodak kiosk that copies and prints pretty well.
I went there yesterday and stuck my memory stick into the machine. As I scrolled through the pictures, I came across some that were.... uh... not of my face. Or James'. I swear I actually heard the two little old ladies behind me gasp as I yanked out the stick and pounded on "Print Order" as fast as I could. Needless to say, I didn't get all the pictures printed that I had intended. I am SO glad Lily wasn't there. Oh. My. Gosh. She has this talent of making a horribly embarrassing situation WORSE.
Anyway, I mosey over to Melissa's town and I still had eight pictures to scan and print. So I gathered my courage, stuck Lily and Caleb in a buggy and headed to the Kodak picture maker. One of them was out of order. The other was being occupied by a woman who was talking very loudly on her cell phone. She stuck in her memory card, scrolled through a couple of pages of pictures, hit "Select All" and proceeded to print 233 4X6 pictures. Apparently she thought "Select All" meant select all the pictures on the screen at the time. No joke people. The kids were being entertained with a bag of doughnuts so I figured what the heck, I really needed these copies to scrap. So we waited. Here are just some snippets of conversation I had the pleasure of hearing while I waited for 45 minutes:

"Yeah, my baby daddy he be trippin' cause I tole him I hope his truck burn up in a motha *** fire or su'in cause he thank its mo' 'portant than his keed!"
"Girl, I hope they's enough paper fo yo pitchers!"
"Yeeh, dat my baby gurl right thurr, she all cute in hurr pink hoodie look like her daddy and all!"
"*** I di'nt know it be printin' like 200 of the sum***ches!!"
"Carl! CARL! This be makin' all my pitchers and stuff an not makin them into a CD!"
"Girl I think I gon run outta paper, I di'n know it be printin' all these, I'm soory!"

Yes, as it spit out print after print she made two picture Cd's of everything on her memory card. I don't even know why I waited. I guess because I love scrap booking so much and I thought on maybe the tiniest offhand chance I may get eight more to print when she was done, and the kids were being really good. Sure enough, it ran out of paper. Then she starts complaining because it didn't print out all 233 pictures, but only 189. Then there was this, my favorite part:

"CARL!! It done run out the paper, and I ain't get 'em all! You got more paper back in 'ere?"
--No--
"Kin you get sum dat paper outta that machin' right thurr? It be the same right?"
--No--
"D***. Well I guess I coulda ax Carl to cancel the *** pitchers 'cause I ain't be gettin' all my pitchers today an'way!!"

WAIT. The thought of cancelling the whole order crossed your mind?? Why didn't you cancel it?? Why am I still standing here?? THEN Carl kindly points me to a machine around the corner that will scan my pictures and print them out in 30 minutes. Gee, thanks Carl. So I scan my eight pictures while Miss Thang over there goes on and on about not getting all her pictures and then starts making remarks about the price of 2 picture Cd's and 189 prints. Hint: it was upwards of $50. No joke. The kids and I walk around the toy isle for 30 minutes and then pick up the pictures and guess what?
They look like CRAP.
By then I am thoroughly pissed at Wal-mart and the human population in general, so I storm out of there, go to Melissa's and scan my pictures.
They printed beautifully, and we had a spectacular time scrapping.
Until the kids woke up and poured three bottles of cleaning detergents onto the bedroom floor. Lily swears she was coerced into it, but I have a feeling she didn't put up much of a fight.

That Holy (?) Feeling 8

I don't know where how to classify this event, so I'll just go with Holy Feeling.
The paranormal is a pretty interesting subject. Psychics, telekinesis, telepathy, television; you know what I mean. I think some people have a God-given gift but most are just crap.
I've had a couple of... odd things happen to me throughout my life. Feeling watched, dreams about places that I see months or even years later, deja vu type stuff. Looking in to this kind of stuff really makes you wonder just how complex our brains are and how much about it that we don't know. Praise the Lord that He still has the blueprint, because I know no human could ever reproduce it. It's really insane.
Anyway, I was driving to pick up Lily one of the past 10 or so days ago. As I approached the stop sign a young kid in a white hoodie ran across the street to the corner. Not enough for me to slam on the brakes but you know. Then a vision flashed in my head of me actually hitting this kid. I mean slam thump thud hitting him. It didn't last long. I pulled to the stop sign and stopped and looked to my left, because I was turning right. No one was coming. Normally I don't look to my right because I'm not turning left and therefore do not need to know if anyone is coming from that direction (sorry Mom). So I turn...
and miss that stupid kid in the white hoodie by INCHES. Apparently he'd decided to cross the street a few seconds before I turned. Now tell me that isn't weird!!

The He-Child Sings And Other Things

I've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss lately. Can you tell?
That song by Marky Mark, "Good Vibrations," came on the radio and Caleb was in the back seat saying "Uhhh.... yeah.... uhhhh......uh huh... Mom, this is my favorite song!!"

Lily got glasses two weeks ago. They cost $375 because they had to have a prism and bifocal lenses (thanks, Z, for that contribution). She looks so cute!

Lily type:
1 is the best number uv oll.

Scope Poke

James recently had a scope done by his gastrologist to determine if he had any ulcers, green mold etc. in his stomach. I escorted him to the hospital to drive him home after the procedure. When he finally had the thing done (they didn't have him scheduled for that day, or any other day for that matter; the usual 2 hour waiting room wait time and another hour "behind the curtain"), I was looking forward to getting out of there because I was hungry and grumpy and stuff. But no. We had to wait another 30 minutes to make sure "he handles the anesthetic alright." He didn't die when you put him under, he's fine now! So I endured 30 minutes of my husband coming off of his high.


"Whoa!! That was amazing!! They like wheeled me in there, put this thing on my face, and I was like asleep! Just like that! It was like the best short nap EVER. What was that stuff? Can you like buy it? I bet I would sleep a lot better at night. Hey, probably you would too! That was so cool, I was like OUT LIKE A LIGHT and then BAM I was in here. I gotta call Justin and let him know everything went well. We put up some of those lights in that house on the lake. See how they are recessed like that? That was so awesome. BAM!! OUT!! Is that the pictures of my stomach? Wow! It looks kinda cool! What are those bumps, do you think they're normal? I didn't even feel that scope thing, I mean I saw it but I went to sleep so fast and wow, it was over quick! Hey you should keep these pictures and scrapbook them! Wouldn't that be cool? No? Are you sure? Man, I'm hungry. Can we leave now? Wendy's sounds sooo good right now. One of those bacon double cheeseburgers, maybe like TWO I'm so hungry!! Oh hey nurse! Yeah, doing good just kind of hungry. Did you see my pictures? Gross huh? Yeah I wanted to get this done because I might be deployed here pretty soon and my parents were all worried that I would get over there and have something like MAJORLY wrong, so I thought I'd get it checked out, you know, calm the parents down. Can we take these pictures? Are you sure? Cool, thanks!"


Then I had to take his high self to Wendy's. It was fun. Then I went to Melissa's and left him at home to come off his high alone, because when you're the only sober one it sure isn't fun.

The He-Child Fibs

Lately we have been struggling with Caleb fibbing. Small things, I know, but eventually they will grow into larger things. We're just trying to get it under control now while we still can.

Papa: "Whoa boy, it stinks in this bathroom!"
Caleb: "Mimi did it."
Mimi: "I did not!!"

Me: "Caleb, did you draw on the counter?"
Caleb: "Uh, nope."
"Are you sure?"
"Uh, yeah?"
"Come here and look at it."
--trudges over--
"See, that looks like scribbles. Lily usually draws names, hearts and caricatures of her family members. This looks like something you would do."
--smiles, looking up at me--
"So... did you draw on the counter?"
"Uh, nope!"
"Who do you think did?"
"Uh, Lily!"
"Lily isn't here. It's just you and me, and i don't draw on counters."
--smiles--
"So I think you need to go get a washcloth and clean this off."
"Uh, okay!"

Weight Loss Motivation

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago because I haven't been sleeping well. Actually, I hadn't been sleeping at all. She ran all these tests that required quarts of blood and my liver enzymes came back elevated. On I went to the imaging center to have a sonogram done. They got the results back today and guess what? I have a fatty liver. The doctor said to diet and exercise and come back in three weeks for follow-up blood work. But the best part was when she said that in three months if my levels weren't normal she would be lowering or eliminating my antidepressants ("You know, because regular exercise produces endorphins and maybe you won't even need those medicines!"). I looked at her point blank and said "No you won't." Flabbergasted, she said "Uh, what?" I told her we wouldn't be messing with my antidepressants because I've tried it and it DID NOT WORK. She said we will see in three months.

I don't think she really understood how close she came to being beheaded with the sheer force of my brain waves. You don't mess with a crazy person's medications, especially if you're an R.N., C.N.P. If anyone is going to play Russian Roulette with my head, it's going to be a doctor with as many psychological letters behind his name as scholarly possible.

But if she insists, I could always do what my mom suggested: move in with her until my fatty liver is gone and I can restart my antidepressants.

On a lighter note (pardon the pun), I've lost 5 pounds!! WOO HOOO!!!!!

Lily's First Paragraph

"Mom liks wrc. Dad liks wrc to. I lik et and Mom dusnt plas (play) weth us. But Dad plas weth us." Yes, I do!!

Have you ever had writer's block? If you want to know what it feels like, pick a wall in your house, back up 3 feet and run into it repeatedly. There you go.

James got a laptop and I'm feeling, uh, left out of the fun.

A bass guitar: $169.00

PlayStation 2: $130

Guitar Hero 2: $80

Acer laptop: $710

A low maintenance wife: priceless

Writing Project

What happens when life pauses?


It had been a long, hard day. The kids were finally fed, bathed, asleep. She was tired. The kids wore her out; she prayed for patience. Prayed all day and night. When the kids cried, she prayed. When the bills couldn’t get paid, she prayed. When his raise still had not come though, she prayed. Every time she grew weary of praying, grew tired of seemingly unanswered prayers, she prayed. For faith. For strength. For comfort.
She lay there like she did ever night after reading too long. Tonight was Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. The green library book was aged, binding loose with several pages taped back together. She held the book with affection, read each work with tenderness, turned each page with care. Her eyes soaked in every word. Too soon was it midnight, and she tore herself away. No tooth-brushing tonight.
She lay on top of the blanket and sheets. It was another humid summer night. The fan hummed lazily on medium, moving hot air over her body. She wore a thin tank top and no bottoms. She lay on her bed, her heavy eyes closing quickly. She dreamed of him. Him coming home. Him holding her. His touch.
Her eyes opened; she heard something. She lay still. It sounded like footsteps. Sandals sliding on the carpet. Rounding the corner from the living room (her heart pounded) coming in her room. Stopping. Probably her young daughter; she opened her eyes. The door was still closed. Maybe she was just hearing things.
Slipping into a doze she felt it. Her sixth sense awakened her. A strange presence close by. Peaceful. Someone standing beside the bed, leaning over to look at her. The heaviness was almost palpable. She dared not open her eyes.
"Lord? Is that you?"


Cheap motel on a forgotten street. Dingy, dirty rooms. Threadbare greenish carpet surrounding one twin bed. Blanket thin, no sheets, distorted mattress. One window, with a peeling sill and cloudy view of the load street outside. Plaid curtains she quickly pulls together. The room stinks of mold, urine and neglect. The walls are yellowish with years of smoky air. One tattered night stand holding one rotary beige phone. Probably doesn’t work. She doesn’t belong here, but she sits. She has no choice. No chance.
She lays still. Turning, she looks at the gray door with it’s two locks. Dirty doorknob, dirt-encrusted peephole. Dirty life. She doesn’t hear the commotion outside, who knows what that could be. She hears her pleas to get up, get out, go back. Just open the door. Just walk. Just go. No consequences, nothing said.
She imagines her hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly. Imagines the foggy city air as she steps outside and peers around. Imagines the dirty people sitting on dirty steps, talking about dirty things while their dirty children play. She imagines walking, step after step. Just one at a time. Back to where she came from. Before.... this.
He moves her, and that is her only movement. Her face pressed into the pillow, she coughs into the moldiness. It smells like dying. She turns her head to the side, her eyes watering. She stays still, now facing a yellowish wall. Flat, ugly, unimportant. Unseen but not overlooked. She is still.
Done. Irreparable. Yelling, slapping. Stinging pain. The door slams shut. Alone. She opens her eyes and curls her naked body into itself. She cries silently. Through her tears she sees two crumpled twenties sitting on the dirty night stand. Dirty money. Dirty deed. Dirty new beginning.

***Notes From Self***
Back when I was applying for scholarships and stuff one sponsor wanted me to write a short essay about something, only it couldn't be more than 300 words. Well, a 300 word limit is hard for me. I was like, that's just kind of pausing in the middle of a story! So then I thought, what if you could pause time and then go from person to person and see what they are doing at that moment? That was kind of the theme. Crazy I know.

Another Writing I Found Today

Just when you think you’ve put everything behind you, that you’ve effectively buried your past under heaps of dirt and concrete, something happens that reminds you that your past is still there, right behind you, under every step you take and shaping every decision you make. For some those reminders come once in a while, others more regularly. For others, like me, it happens daily, my past baring its teeth and swiping its claws at my happiness. No specific thing sets it off. You can be standing there and suddenly you smell a certain smell, hear a certain phrase. You’re caught off guard and BAM! The past pulls you back into its clutches and you have to fight with everything you have to come out on top again.
Sometimes I get tired of fighting it. Is it a sin to sit back for a few moments and relive your past, savoring old tastes, relishing old emotions? Imagining, just for a moment, that your husband is one of your past lovers? That you have no children? No responsibilities?

Scholarship Essay

Here's an essay I wrote for a scholarship I applied for.

How My World Would Be Different If I Didn't Have A Computer

A day in my life without the invention of the modern computer would be pretty boring. I would wake up around 7 a.m. and go for my usual morning walk. I would return home and shower, dress and make coffee. I would then check the mail, throwing out the junk. Upon opening my bank statement, I would find that two checks bounced last week, and I have been charged $50. Without my computer, I didn't catch my mistake in time to instantly transfer some of my savings to my checking to avoid the fees. I am angry.
After checking the mail and calling the bank, I would sit in my recliner and try to call my husband, who is in the military and stationed over seas. As usual, there is no answer. Is he okay? I haven't heard from him in a week or so. Without the computer, the leader of our support group cannot email us wives and tell us that our husband are in special training, where phones are not allowed. Instead, she must call every wife on her list of 135, which takes time that she has little of.
My day continues, and I trek to the library to borrow their word processor so that I can type my scholarship essay. When I finish and bring it home I discover a few spelling errors and, frustrated, I have to return to the library tomorrow.
I finish the day with my evening bike ride, only to be drenched in the pouring rain that, five miles from home, snuck up on me. Fancy my not having a computer to check the weather forecast in my area.
Now I'm in bed with a cold, detailing plans to invent the first computer!

The Long Walk On Short Pier

I'll probably get some flack for this, but oh well.

As my faithful readers know by now, I became pregnant with Lily via artificial insemination by a race of supernatural beings looking for something to do one February night in 2001. Or something along those lines.
Since then, I have bounced back and forth between sympathy and disdain for the sperm donor. Call me crazy, but I thought he'd come back and want to be a decent part of her life when he was ready. When he got another girl pregnant and left her, my eyes began to open. Now that he's left a third baby behind, my cloudy vision is gone.

It has taken me 6 years, many tears, a new and wonderful relationship, several false starts, numerous endings, endless prayers, days of Scripture reading, and several great friends and family members to strengthen me enough so that I can say:
I'm tired of being torn, mistreated, cursed at, coerced, lied to, defeated, and scared.
We have a family, we have a life. We don't need you.
God has a plan for you, but it doesn't involve us.
Through God I am strong. I can end this.
~~~~~~~~
There is a site called PostSecret. It started as one man's community art project and grew into a multinational phenomenon. He set out hundreds of blank postcards all over his town and invited passersby to take one, decorate one side with their darkest secret and mail it to him anonymously. So here is my PostSecret, going in the mail tomorrow.

Short Trip To Heaven

"Mom."
"Yeah."
"I want to see heaven."
"Well, when you get older God will take you to heaven."
"I don't want to wait until I am OLD. I want to go now."
"God gets to decide when you go to heaven, Lily. Not me."
"Mom? How do you get to heaven?"
"You go to heaven when you die."
--pause--
"Mom?"
"Yeah."
"Can you kill me so I can go to heaven and see it?"
"Um, no."
"But why?"
"Because the Bible says you can't kill anyone, and if I do I will go to jail and you will be gone forever."
"No I won't! I'll be right back! I just want to see it for a minute!"
"Lily, when you die you can't come back to life. You stay dead and you stay in heaven."
--pause--
"Please?"
"No Lily. It's just one of those things."
--sigh, ho hum--
Caleb: "Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you gonna kill Sissy?"

History Lesson

Apparently Lily has been learning about Martin Luther King this week.
In Wal-Mart yesterday she overheard on a television something about MLK, to which she very loudly remarked:
"MOM!! I LEARNED ABOUT MARTIN LUTIN KING IN SCHOOL! THE WHITE PEOPLE SHOT HIM AND KILLED HIM BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE GOOD MANNERS!!!"
Oy vie.
"MOM, WHY DID THE WHITE PEOPLE KILL MARTIN LUTIN KING?"
Needless to say, we made the quickest exit from a Wal-Mart on record.
This incident reminds me of the time I went to my cousin Lauren's house. She has a wall decorated with her daughter's school work. They had been learning the letter K at some point, as depicted by an artwork that proclaimed:
K K
K
Love those preschoolers.

Waddle Waddle, Quack Quack

Driving aimlessly around town the other afternoon I decided to take the children to the Kiwanis park ("But there aren't any Kiwanis there," as Lily would have you know). Upon parking and opening the car door, we were swarmed by ducks looking for a handout. My kids FREAKED.
"AHHHH! Mom! They're gonna EAT ME!!"
"Make them go away!"
"Ewww, they're UGLY Mom!"
I tried to explain to them that if they would just walk towards them, the ducks would back away. They didn't believe me. Finally I coaxed Lily out of the car and she ran to the playground unharmed. Caleb I had to drag out of the car and plop him in the middle of the ducks, who fled. He stopped crying and watched them run away.
"See, I told you they would go away."
"But they were gonna eat me."
So he goes and plays on the playground for a little while, and I call them back to go home. Of course the ducks are back, preventing the kids from getting to the car.
"Mom!! They're gonna eat me again!!"
"No they're not! Remember? They're gonna run away!"
"No they won't!!"
Lily gets brave and tries to catch a duck, who waddles away. She gets into the car. Caleb is still mortified.
"Caleb! They won't hurt you! They're just ducks!!"
He starts crying again, so I walk through the parted sea of ducks and retrieve my son from the alien ultra scary man-eating ducks.
Now, if they were geese I would have kept driving, but I think they migrate or something. But these ducks have grown up in the park, therefore I knew they weren't going to hurt the kids. Besides, if they did charge or whatever they do, one swift kick would have gotten them away.
I found this episode funny. Lily did too, after a while. Mimi did not. Caleb has forgotten the whole incident and will probably grow up to write a fabulous screenplay about man eating ducks that will make him a millionaire.

Driving Tips For You Idiots

1. If the speed limit in a school zone is 20 m.p.h., I'm going 20 m.p.h.!! Quit honking at me because you're running late!!
2. At a four way stop, the person who gets there first goes first. If two people get there at the same time, the person on the right goes first. If four people arrive at the same time, SOMEONE GO!! It doesn't matter who!! Quit playing chicken!!
3. Get off my bumper. It's really annoying and I WILL brake check you.
4. This is one for the stupids delivering children at the school. Don't walk out in front of a moving vehicle with two children!! I can't count the times an aid has done this and if I hadn't been watching... well, you can guess.
5. If you have your blinker on, please turn somewhere. Anywhere.
6. To the lady going 35 in her Hummer down the main strip: you paid $60K for all that horsepower, use it! Or are you trying to save on gas?
7. If I take longer than 0.2 seconds to gun the gas when the light turns green, don't honk at me or I'll just sit there and make you even more late.
8. If you have a super cool bass system, blare it in your driveway. It impedes my concentration, scares my kids and makes you look stupid.
9. Spinning hubcaps really bother me. I tend to stare at them instead of the road. Spin them in your driveway please.
10. Don't try to pass me when we are both turning left at the same intersection. That's stupid and dangerous.

Those Genes Look Good On You! 3

My dad grew up on a dairy farm in northern Indiana. The area that his family hails from gets pretty freaking cold four months out of the year. I'm talking highs of 30 and lows of 10, with the snowfall levels about 50% more than the national average. Anyway, Dad and Grandpa have always regaled us kids with crazy stories about when they were growing up (remind me to tell you the one about blowing up the gopher hill with dynamite; oh, and the drunken parrot named Pete). Dad has also used these stories to remind us of how lucky we are compared to the hardships he grew up with ("When I was twelve I had to get up at the crack of dawn and break up the ice in the cow troughs with an ax! Now you stop complaining about the car not being warmed up enough to turn the heater on and SUCK IT UP!!").
One of the many stories he told was about a truck he or Grandpa had when he was a teenager that was quite particular about who drove it when and where. One thing this truck absolutely hated was being washed. An occasional rain storm was fine, but if you dared even one soapy drop on its fender, it wouldn't run for days.
I have hair like that.
Once when I was thirteen or so my mom tried to give me a perm. It stayed curly for a whole day and washed out the next. A couple of years later I tried out the big curl over your forehead 'do. It never worked. I either got this horn-ish monstrosity or a hair spray stuck blowout over my brow. The only thing my hair will do is be washed and be brushed. No fancy spritzers here, woman! How dare you!
Anyway, the other day I went and got my haircut. The hairdresser put a little mousse in my hair, blow dried it, and bam! I had, like, a hairdo. I thought cool! Now I can do my hair and show my husband that yes, there is a little bit of femininity left in his wife. So I went to Dollar General and bought a blow dryer, a round brush and some mousse. The next day, I took a shower and recreated the steps I saw the hairdresser perform. Do you know what I got?
Super duper volume. Like, the bottom of my hair sat a full three inches away from my back. Too much mousse? I don't know. But I was tired of fumbling with the blow dryer and trying to brush/curl the ends of my hair at the same time, because everything goes backwards in a mirror and I'd burned myself too many times for it to be funny anymore.
Stupid truck hair.

New Year's Eve 2008

Booze at the liquor store: $58.72

Margarita glasses: $24.99

Bag of ice: $1.92

Having to go to bed at one a.m. because you're getting too old for this s#it: priceless

Vacation Time

Well, the kids are at Nana's this week, and James is at work, and I should be happy but really I'm kind of bored. Sometimes I go in their room and yell "Stop that or I'll spank you both!" just to get it out of my system. It doesn't help when they won't talk to me on the phone either. Caleb screams and runs away, and Lily usually says something along the lines of "Can she call back later?" or "Maybe in a little bit." It baffles me because while Caleb has never really been the talky type, Lily sure as heck is, but not lately. Just one of those things I guess.
James and I cleaned out our closet last night. Now I can walk from one side of the closet to the other, and I don't have to hang on to the doorway and lean way in to get his empty hangers. How did he get back there to get his shirts anyway?

Vag Finder 2

Lately Lily has been having some discomfort "down below," so I've been trying to teach her about female hygienics in a six year old way. She's started taking showers by herself now, and I started by explaining that we need to keep that area clean so it won't "get sick" and so on. I told her to prop one leg up, stand under the shower stream and splash water down there to "wash" it. She looked at me, and in all seriousness said:
"You can open it?!!"
Girl there's lots of things you can do with it, goodness knows your brother yanks on his enough, but that's another talk for another day.

RANT: Castrate Him!!

I learned recently that the sperm donor has claimed victim number three. SOMEONE CASTRATE THIS GUY!!! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! Seriously! If he hasn't taken care of his other two children, WHAT IN THE WORLD makes you think he's going to take care of another? The Pill, people!! Condoms, sponges, Ziploc baggies!! Anything!!
The sad thing is that one day Lily is going to want to know about him and if he has any other children and I'll have to tell her that I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE HE GOT SOMEONE PREGNANT ABOUT EVERY THREE YEARS SINCE YOU WERE BORN AND I LOST TRACK OF THEM ALL. I think I'll start a club. The ZIMSD Club (Z. Is My Sperm Donor). No club fees, because I know you're all buying diapers and formula. Free T-shirts so we can all go together to knock down his door and drag him to court. C'mon, we'll arrange play dates or something.
That's all.

Christmas 2007

Well Christmas this year went pretty smoothly. My kids made out like bandits, we traveled the prerequisite 800 miles, and James and I get some time away from the kids. True to tradition, here is a vague rundown of what we got:

• Hi-Ho Cherry-O! -- The kids love the game, though Lily's sing song "Hiii Hoooo Cherrry Oohhhh!" can get a little annoying.
• Two Candy lands, Twister Moves (should be interesting), Junkyard Jalopy and Littlest Pet Shop games.
• A million Hanna Montana Barbies and a fully equipped Barbie house (so many small pieces....).
• Four remote controlled cars, 80 Matchbox cars, and a Transformers bed set.
• Candy, candy and more candy. Which reminds me, my parents always gave us oranges and nuts in our stockings... wtf??
• Clothes, hair dowdies and hats.
• Two race car tracks.
  
• A bunch of other stuff that I can't remember.
  
  As for us, we got:
• A wine rack.
• PS2 games.
• A family heirlooms fill-out book.
• Money (always welcomed).
• Candy, candy and peanuts.
• Six rolls of wrapping paper for only 45 cents a piece from Wal-Mart's after Christmas sale (oh wait, I bought those... still exciting though!)
• An extra six pounds. *sigh*
• A collage from Melissa that is so cute!
  
• Paintings that my grandmother painted that I have always wanted.
• I got to see my babies!!
  We got to see a lot of family, friends and consume large amounts of food. I don't know why I gripe about Christmas, I always wind up loving it.
  

Five Fun Things To Do While Your Children Are Away

1. Listen to your husband play his new PS2 games and try to imagine what scene he's reacting to.
2. Play hide and seek with the guinea pig.
   **Note: He hides and you do the seeking.
3. Wash, dry, fold and put away every cloth or cloth-like object in your house.
4. Sort the kid's toys and give most to the Salvation Army.
5. Play "Where Is That Smell Coming From?"
   
   For some added fun, call the AT&T internet people, make up a problem with your computer, and contradict every suggestion they make.
   

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Christmas. Again.
Can't we just skip a year? I guess I shouldn't be so pessimistic. It's just that:

1. I finished buying all my presents in June, and then someone pops up and says "Hey! Let's do a Chinese/Japanese/Korean Christmas exchange!" or "Hey! Let's exchange ornaments!!" So I made my exchange ornaments. I guess I should reserve some cash for such instances, but alas, I will repeat the lesson until it is learned.

2. "What do you want for Christmas?" I don't know! I like Olive Garden, Wal-Mart and Dollar General, so get me some gift cards! "Oh, but you must want something else..." Not really. I like to eat and save money. That's about it. Unless you can pony up for a Caribbean cruise or a laptop....

3. "What do the kids/husband want?" I don't know that either! The first two are 6 and 3, anything you get them they'll like! The third is a big kid at heart, so he'll like anything you give him too! He's really partial to chicken pot pies!

4. Five families having dinners and present exchanges at seventeen different places in six different cities in one day. C'mon people! Although I have to give kudos to mom and Granny for rounding nearly everybody up for one day this year.

5. Christmas music. Bah humbug. I don't know why, but Christmas music drives me bonkers, and guess who loves it and has to hear it every time we get into the car or they'll throw a double tantrum fit? Yup, that would be my kids.

6. Thinking about this Christmas reminds me that James will be gone for next Christmas, and all the other soldiers who aren't with their families this year.

7. Christmas lunch/dinner/next day's breakfast. All very tasty, all very fattening. Eating salad while everyone else is eating turkey and dressing just isn't fair!!

8. The freaking tree, man. I'm redecorating every day because my three year old likes to take the ornaments off and play with them. I also had to hunt down the stockings and rehang them today. At least I don't have a cat that tears down the lights, though.

9. Cold, cold, cold. Good grief! Can't we move Christmas to June? My coat makes me look fat.

10. Travel. Four hours in the car with two screaming kids and Dora the Explorer? Where's that special eggnog?

But.... I have to remember that:
1. Chinese exchanges usually turn out to be fun.

2. I'll get at least one interesting gift this year and

3. so will my kids and husband.

4. I'll get to see a lot of family that I haven't seen in years.

5. Christmas music gets the kids singing and that's pretty funny!
("Up onna roof is reindeers, with Santa and toys, comin' down the chinney he makes noise...")

6. James will be home for Christmas 2009 and many more, and hopefully the war will be over soon.

7. I can practice portion control and not gain too much weight.

8. The tree sure is pretty all lit up and stuff.

9. I'll still look fat in my coat, but maybe it will snow.

10. Benadryl, baby. Double doses for everyone!!

Let's not forget the best reason for enduring the holiday hustle: the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Singing In The Rain

Lily has started taking showers by herself, and boy does she belt out the tunes!
"Woo loo LOOOOO, surprises for YOOOOO, and me TOOOOO!!"

Caleb has a pillow that he loves a la Linus. It is red, white and blue with stars on it and it is the ugliest thing I think a kid could be attached to. He takes that thing everywhere: out of town, taking Lily to school, Wal-Mart, friend's houses, you name it. Recently I overheard Caleb say something quite interesting while hugging his pillow:
"I really love my Holly B (our last name)."
Um, wait a minute! "What?"
So he said it again: "I love my Holly B."
"Who is Holly B?" I asked.
"My pillow, Mom!"
So the whole day he goes around saying I love Holly B, Holly B is my best friend, let's eat lunch Holly B and so on. What makes this incredibly ironic is Holly is the name of James' ex wife! All day I had to listen to him raving about Holly, all the while trying to decide if I should correct him or not. Would that be correcting? Probably just mindful prodding. When Lily got home, I asked her why Caleb kept calling his pillow Holly B, and she said because it was close to Christmas time.
"Huh?"
"Christmas means you kiss people under the holly bush Mom!"
"You mean mistletoe."
"It's a holly bush."
"Ok."
Then I felt better.

Oh, The Insanity

Dear Ms. Beddo,

It has come to our attention that your account with us has become 60 days past due. As of December 10th, 2007, you owe us a total of $1.57. Your prompt attention to this matter is appreciated, as accounts past due by 90 days or more WILL BE REPORTED TO ALL THREE MAJOR CREDIT BUREAUS. Thank you.

Sincerely,
(illegible scrawl)
Accounts Manager of We'reSoBroke, LLC


Seriously, are they really hurting so bad that me not paying $1.57 is going to cost this guy his job?! It would cost more to pay someone to process my check than the account balance is worth!

That Holy Feeling 7

There has been a long standing issue between James and I that recently came to a head again. I wanted to talk to James about it, but I needed the right words to say. So I prayed "Lord, I need Your guidance right now. Please give me the words to say so that this cycle will be broken. Amen."
And He said "Ok."
After a moment, He said "Tell James you think you and the kids should stay with your mom the next time you travel out of town."
"Ok."
.........
"I meant right now."
"Right now?"
"Yes."
"But I'm scared! What if he says this or brings up that or..."
"You asked for help, and I'm helping you."
"But I'm scared."
"But I'm with you."
"Ok."
So I tell James. He doesn't reply.
"Now tell him you think it would be better for all of you."
"What? That's nuts. I need more of an argument than that!"
"Not with Me you don't."
"Ok...."
...........
"You gonna say it?"
"Right now?"
"Yes."
"Ok."
So I say it, and James says "We could try it."
I was floored! "That's it?"
"That's it."
"Hey, thanks!!"
"Any time. Just pray."
And the situation has been getting better since!!

Vag Finder

My husband and I always have the same conversation most nights. It goes something like this:
"Look at this gut!" (jiggles his imaginary gut)
"Oh please."
"No really, look. I'm holding a good inch of fat here."
"You are not fat."
(turns to the side) "Yeah, I am."
"Look down. Can you see your penis?"
(laughing) "Yeah..."
"You know what? When I look down, I see stretch marks. No vagina. So you cannot be fat because your fat isn't blocking your view of your penis. Now shut up."
"You aren't fat, babe."
"Until I can see my vagina I am."
The defense rests.

Lies I Tell My Husband While He's Away

I NEVER pour cooking oil down the kitchen drain.
Sure, the kids brush their teeth every night.
They also got a bath today.
We had slices of honey glazed pork loin with whole grain brown rice and fresh broccoli for dinner.
Lily always gets to school on time.
I really don't mind changing diapers for Caleb.
I'm doing my Pilates right now, can I call you back?
This laundry is just so much fun!
Oh no, we get along GREAT when you're gone!
Sure, go to Red Lobster. Our finances are in ship-shape.
You put in ceiling fans today? That is SO fascinating!!
I'm fine without you here. Really. Don't worry!

What I Need

I did one of these things on Myspace where you type in "(your name) needs/wants/is a/died of" and Google it and repost the first search result you get. Here was mine:
Talia needs..... what is called in the social work field an "intervention."
Isn't that a hoot??
On another note, I called and closed the child support case. I just "forgave" $3085.33. Maybe I'll get a thank you card. Doubt it though.

A "Soft" Moment

The other morning as I was getting dressed, Lily sat down beside me and said
"I want Melissa to be my mom."
"Why?"
"Because she is soft and she is nice to me."
"But what if I want to keep you?"
"Well, I want her to be my mom."
"Well, I want to keep you."
"Why?"
"Because you grew in my body, and I had you, and I've had you for six years and I like you and you are mine. And I want to keep you."
She sat there for a minute, then gave me a big hug and walked downstairs and got dressed for school.
She hasn't said anything more about getting a new mommy.

Shot Myself In The Foot

Not really.
But now that I've bought James his new toy, he's morphed into a child. I don't know how many times I've yelled the following phrases:

"Turn that crap down!! The neighbors can hear it!!"
"You have to SHARE, James. Let the kids play too."
"One more song, then it's Lily's turn."
"Five more minutes, then it's time for bed."
"I mean it!! Five minutes!!"
"If you like it so much why don't you just MARRY it?"
"Scoot back from the T.V. You'll ruin your eyes."
"Come eat or your dinner will get cold!"

Geesh. This is crazy!!

You're My Favorite Wife

PlayStation 2 : $129.99

Guitar Hero 2: $79.95

Huge gift bag: $0.97

Seeing your husband's face when you give him his gift: priceless

Realizing afterward that you won't be getting any because he'll be playing the stupid game all night long: more priceless

The Magic Of Three

I survived a day with two 3 year olds today, Skylar and Caleb. Now Skylar I could write a whole book on, she's so... interesting. Anyway, I was upstairs blogging and my phone started ringing downstairs. Being the loaf that I am, I yell at Caleb to get the phone and answer it for me.
"Where is it?"
"On the bookshelf!"
--runs into his room--
"I can't find it!"
"It's in the living room on the bookshelf!"
--runs back into the living room--
"Where?"
"On the bookshelf!"
"I can help! I hear it!" says Skylar.
"Where's the bookshelf?"
"It's about seven foot tall with all of Mommy's books on it!"
"I still hear it!"
--phone quits ringing--
"Mom, it stopped!"
"OK. Never mind."
"You've got voicemail!" says my phone.
"The mail is here!"
"Yeah, let's go check the mail!"
--Caleb gathers his pillow and joins Skylar, in her ballerina costume, at the front door--
"Mom, let's go get the mail!"
So they fight the whole way to the mailbox over who gets to be the leader and all I got was junk mail.

A little while later, Caleb comes to me crying because the VCR is spitting out the tapes and turning itself off. I go over and inspect it, lift the door thing, hit it a few times, try a tape, and turn it off. "Well, you're just going to have to watch DVD's until Daddy gets home," I say. Skylar comes up to me wanting to watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas, a VHS.
"Skylar, that won't work."
"Why?"
"Because the VCR isn't working."
"But I want to watch this green guy!"
"Yeah I know, but it won't work in the VCR right now."
"Why?"
"Because it is broken."
"But... I wanted to watch this."
"Yes. I know. But you can't."
--Looking hurt--
"Why?"
--Deep breath--
"Because the VCR is broken."
"It's broken?"
"Yup."
"But..."
"Hey, do you like Barney?! Barney is on DVD!"
"Yeah!!"
The art of distraction.

Fat Vag

Fatty fatty, two by four
Couldn't fit in the thong from the store!
Looks so much better lying in the drawer
Should have gone up one size more!
Woe is me...

Magic With The B's

Recently the kids, my friend and her kids and I went to a Halloween themed magic show. At one point the magician asked for a volunteer from the audience, and guess who he picked? Yup. Lily.
"Come on up here little girl, what's your name?"
"My name is Lily."
"Hi, Lily! Are you ready to...."
"That's my brother Caleb. He's three. And there is Skylar, she's three too. And...."
"OK Lily, shuffle this deck of cards for me will you?"
What five year old knows how to shuffle a deck of cards?!
Three minutes..... four...
"OK Lily, go down into the audience and pick someone out."
Walks down there.... picks a two year old.....
"Let's pick an adult. How about you sir? Pick a card, any card!"
Picks a card.
"OK, now tear the corner off, remember your card, and put it back in the deck."
Complies, Lily walks back onto the stage.
"OK Lily now I have a question. Are you brave?"
"Uh... yeah!"
"OK. Here's my magic wand. I want you to point it to the black hat over there, say 'Abba Babba!' and wake up my pet snake Mike."
Points wand to hat, says abba babba.
"Hum, I guess you'll have to say it higher so he can hear you."
Raises wand, says abba babba.
"Um, I mean raise your voice so he can--"
Raises wand further up and says in a low voice abba babba, which send Melissa and I into giggles in the back row.
"Well, maybe he woke up that time. Why don't you go check?"
Looks at him very suspiciously.....
"Lily, are you brave?"
"Uh, yeah!"
"Go see if Mike is awake."
Walks over there, gets to the hat, out of which springs a fake snake, holding the torn card. She flies back across the stage, scared but excited. All the kids scream.
"Very good Lily! You woke up Mike! Look, he even has your card! Here, you can keep it, there you go!"
Lily goes back to her seat, clearly overjoyed with her 15 minutes of fame.
Well, it didn't go as bad as I thought it might.... whew.

That Holy Feeling 6

The Amish. I don't really know who they are or what they do, but I do know that on October 2, 2006, a man went to an Amish school and shot five students and then himself. This is an excerpt from the book Amish Grace:
"How did the Amish decide so quickly to extend forgiveness?
'You mean some people actually thought we got together to plan forgiveness?' chuckled Katie, a seventy-five year old grandmother....
'Forgiveness was a decided issue,' explained Bishop Eli. 'It's just what we do.... It was spontaneous... It was not a new kind of thing.' Forgiveness for Roberts and grace for his family had begun as spontaneous expressions of faith, not as mandates from the church.
'Why is everybody all surprised?' asked one Amish man. 'It's just standard forgiveness; it's what everybody should be doing.'"

What a definition of faith in God! Loyalty as Beth Moore defines it:
"Loyalty is when a sudden temptation poses a question of character, if we have true conviction, we don't have to consider how we'll react. The question is already answered; we just act upon it!"

That Holy Feeling 5

I've been reading a book by Beth Moore called Believing God. It's about believing God, not just passive believing in God. At one point she gave her readers this challenge:

1. Say the Pledge of Faith as many times per day as you can.
2. Record at least one Godstop per day (Godstops are instances where you see God working in or around your life).
3. Give up something for a set amount of time to further your personal sanctification toward God.

The first two were relatively easy. The last one... not so. I like everything in my life and I don't want to give any of it up!! Except for... these 50 pounds or so. Hmm... so, after some prayer I decided that for 40 days (since some significant stuff was accomplished in 40 days in the Bible) I would give up junk food, including but not limited to:

• ALL fast food
• Cookies, cake, pie
• White breads
• Crackers, tortillas, etc. (whole wheat is ok)
  
• Ice cream
• Excessive amounts of peanut butter
• Chocolate

I'm not doing this to put myself on a diet per se, but because it is something I have struggled with for a long time and I think it may be hindering my walk with God. How can you develop a friendship with someone if you're constantly thinking, talking and worrying about food and fat? Wish me luck, y'all. Taco Bell is sounding soooo good right now.....

Who Came Up With This Crap???

Who invented money? Why can't we all go back to bartering with salt and paprika? I could pay my car off quick, because HEB had a nice salt sale going on this week.
I, being the financial planner of this marriage, have decided that we need to:

1. Pay off our debts.
2. Start an emergency fund.
3. Load our retirement funds.
4. Buy a new car.
5. Buy a house.

To do that, we need to be making a bit more than $2K a month. So, when Caleb gets in school I plan on going to school, if we can afford it. What am I going for, you ask. I don't know. I wanted to be a nurse, but people tend to bleed, puke, and poop on nurses. A teacher would be nice, but 20 screaming six year olds is not my idea of fun, and strangling teenagers isn't either. Then I thought of psychology but, to quote a friend of mine, "I'd be scared to be in a room with some of those crazy people!!" Hey, we're not all that bad. I also thought about being an accountant or financial planner. AARRGGHH!!! Numbers!! But then I checked out this book, financial planning for retards or something, and I kind of got into stocks, bonds, the market, IRA's and stuff. I think it pays good, I guess I should figure that out too.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not money hungry; after all, money is the root of all evil. But money can be the root of a pretty pear tree too. A cluster of pears being a home, another pear a car, one each for private tuition for the kids, and a trunk of retirement so I can devote all my time taking care of my crazy mom when she starts to REALLY go, since it is apparent that I have been nominated for the job (thanks, Taryn!).
But we're in a pretty good situation to start off in. We only have $8,000 in debt (the car), $1,000 in an emergency fund, and $2,000 in a Roth IRA, not counting his military retirement and a couple other employer retirement accounts). I figured up last night that if we save $300 a month until this car is paid off (48 months), we would have a nice chunk of change ($14,400) to pay for a new car. Thus not incurring any more debt. Now, if we could double that, we'd have a new car and a sizable down payment for a house. Then we could really start focusing on retirement and tuition and stuff.
Ah, the dreams I have. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out every time James spends $5.47 at Wendy's!! "James! We have lunch meat!! There goes our Honda Civic!! Geez!!" Easy, girl.

Rub-A-Dub-Dub

So last night I was feeling my age and decided to take a nice, hot bath with my new Aloe Vera bath beads. I turned on the water and cruised the Internet for a little bit. I went back in the bathroom and added my beads, turned the water off. Then I went to get in and KERPLOOSH!!! Half of the water spilled out over the sides and onto the floor. Guess a five foot by one foot bathtub can't hold 50 gallons of water and a 220 lb. woman. FINE. I didn't want that much water in here anyway!
So I go about my business and lay down to get my hair wet. Guess what? KERPLOOSH!! There goes another 20 gallons or so. Way to stroke the old ego there. By now I'm frustrated and not at all relaxed, so I wash my hair and soap up my washcloth. I get my upper body done but now I have to raise my lower body to wash it. I decide I don't have the arm strength to put my hands on either side of the bathtub and push myself up so I bend my left leg, and turn so that my other leg lengthens with the intention to thus get on my knees and stand from there (I was tired y'all). But now.... I'm stuck. My butt and my knee have me in a strange sort of vice grip and I..... can't really move. After cursing a little I grab the box of bath beads and pour the rest over me, lathering me up so my knee could slip an inch or so and break the boxing in it had created with my butt. I decided that the bath beads made my lower half clean enough and just got out. I think I'll stick with showers from now on....

The Twelve Days Of Being Rich

On the first day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"I really need a new toy for me!"
On the second day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"This car isn't what it used to be..."
On the third day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Let's go to the sea!"
On the fourth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Look at this new CD!"
On the fifth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Wouldst thou like something for thee?"
On the sixth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"This apartment sucks. I would like to leave."
On the seventh day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"There's this motorcycle I would like to see...."
On the eighth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"For Halloween what do I want to be?"
On the ninth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Did you say you like Bonsai trees?"
On the tenth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"These couches look like big old heaps."
On the eleventh day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"We could acquire a deed!"
On the twelfth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"All this spending sure is tiring!"

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!!

I was sifting through all the stuff that James accumulated throughout his deployment in Egypt, and I came across some letters that I'd sent him. One started out with the usual "Hey how are you, we're good, the kids are great" stuff. Then I came across these snippets of conversation:
"My vagina emailed me and wanted a loan so she could buy a one way ticket to Egypt. I told her I would have to pull some strings."
"I'm about to die without a cigarette or a candy bar."
"My libido has acquired a spear and declared war. Pray for the troops!!"

"Don't worry, your kids are fine....."
Anyway, on another note isn't it funny how sex changes after you've been married a while? At first the big "trend" was for guys to be able to "go for HOURS." Not after four years. I mean call me weird but after 20 minutes it kinda gets boring (and if you have kids and it's been 20 minutes, you probably better finish up quickly anyway). I like to get done and, uh, STOP. None of this "recoup or warm up for round two" crap. There IS no round two. I'm done. If you're not, well I guess that's why you were born with hands. I want some ice cream and t.v.
Another "trend" was the whole size thing. You know, the bigger the better. Now I'm no fan of the barely-there fellows when it comes to the bedroom (I'm not sorry, get over it), but if he comes at me with a can of Coke or a Sequoia that just ain't gonna fly. Some women have cervices you know.
Yet another "trend" was to introduce new moves to the bedroom scene in the hopes of turning on your partner. After marriage and two kids, if just the fact that he's getting any at all doesn't turn him on then he's got problems. Further, some stuff I am not physically able to do no matter how "tantric" or "mind blowing" it may be. You try to get an elephant to stand on its elbows. Not gonna happen. So forget it.
"Trend" three is the having-sex-four-times-a-day phenomena that disappears after the conception of your first child. I don't care how horny you are, if it's your birthday or our anniversary, after 20 minutes LEAVE ME ALONE.
I'm glad I married a man who understands me and has almost the same needs/wants. I'm sure not many other guys out there would be as tolerable. Poor guy.

What My Parents Taught Me

• Raising three kids with little income SUCKS. But it is doable.
• Butter tubs can be washed and reused like a million times. So can dish towels.
  
• You can put a whole week's leftovers in a big pot, add some noodles and call it goulash. They'll eat it or they'll starve.
• With some juggling, you CAN keep four checks from bouncing before pay day.
• Three kids, two dogs, four cats, two pigs, one goat and eight chickens are just plain fun.
• You can fit a potbellied pig in the back of a 1993 Pontiac station wagon, though getting the smell out is kind of tricky.
• Spray painting said station wagon gray looks tacky.
  
• You can stretch laundry detergent twice as long if you dilute it.
• Speaking of laundry, who needs fancy dryer sheets?
• The "look" does exist.
• Sometimes, you just don't want to know what your kids were up to while you were gone.
  
• Deer are especially attracted to big green minivans.
  
• If all else fails, drag them to the country.
• Get one great dog for your kids to grow up with.
• Keep giving away the cats.
• Seventeen cats = millions of fleas. Better just move.
• If what you did to get in trouble makes mom laugh, she probably won't punish you.
  
• When you can't find your mom or that tub of ice cream, it's probably best to let her be lost for a while.
• If your eyes wonder for half a second in Wal-Mart, it will take you 2 hours to find your mom again.
  
• Lifelong friends are to be cherished... especially when they have really embarrassing stories to tell about you.
• You only need a minimal amount of toilet paper for your small butt.
• Swamp coolers ROCK.
• Behave in church. Mom can pinch with her toes.
  

To be continued......
***Notes from Mom***
Its so funny hearing my memories retold by you guys! (Wait until it happens to you.) By the way...2 different station wagons. I got Percy home in a Tracer 4 door hatchback, like a mini-mini station wagon. The big, ugly gray thing was a big, ugly gray thing, the difference is people thinking that we put a little pot-bellied pig in a big station wagon when actually I put a 150 lb hog in the back of an economy hatchback.

Gotta give credit where credit is due.

Harvard, Here We Come!!

I had to look y'all.
The 27 cents I mentioned before came from.... get ready.....
THE CHILD SUPPORT PEOPLE.
Oh, please!!!!
Did they REALLY think she was going to benefit from 27 CENTS?!!
Let's see, if I put that into the money market account (assuming I could find a bank that would let me open one with just 27 cents) it will earn 0.012 cents interest per month. That would be roughly 14 cents per year (not including compounding interest because I don't have that much time on my hands). Further, in ten years it will skyrocket to $1.44 and by the time she graduates, the account will be worth a whopping $1.68. Can I get a whoop whoop!!!!
Stupid people. I should complain, but man I don't want to lose that 27 cents!!!

P.S. Can you guess which book I borrowed from the library?

Rolling In Dough

I logged into our bank account tonight and I saw that we got a credit of $0.27 put into our account. Woooo. I don't think I'll even write that in the checkbook register, or even look to see where it came from.

On another note, I had a conference with Lily's teacher today. She's still smart, I'm still puzzled. She scored a 737 on the STAR literacy test (up from a 676 last year) and behaves herself most of the time. Well, at least she is good for her teacher.

Caleb and I are still potty training. Sometimes when he's doing his poop dance I catch him and sit him on the toilet, where he cries until I let him get off or he poops. Most of the time I try to start a conversation with him to get his mind off of pooping and hopefully relax him. So I asked him about the Nature Center that Mimi took the kids too not long ago:
"Hey Caleb! Did you go to the NATURE CENTER?"
"Yeah!"
"You did? What did you see?"
"I sawed animals on the wall, they were kind of dead, and I sawed birds, and turtles..."
"Did you see any lizards?"
"Yeah!"
"Did you hold it?"
"No, Sissy did. And the other turtles was sleeping and..... MOM!!"
"What?"
"We already talked about this!!"
"Well I want to hear about it again!"
"No. We already talked about this."
So I didn't get to hear about it again. Bummer.

Eeewww! I just realized that I forgot to put on deodorant this morning!!
This week was Aunt Flo's week. I usually go about four months of just a little here, a little there and then month five is catch up time. IN A MAJOR WAY. I cannot get enough space, quiet, pizza and water. My boobs hurt, my stomach hurts, I have gas and poop problems, and I'm bleeding too. I spent the last week sitting on the couch with my Domino's pizza, a gallon of water and a John Irving book. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?!! James has the BALLS to start kissing on me and stuff. Yeah right! What part of me growling "You no get 'um, go find kids, play all day" does he not get? The kids were even being good because they sensed all was not right in Uteropia.
I finally felt half way human on Sunday and we went bowling. James scored 157, Lily 84, Caleb 67, and me.... 52. Bowling is so not my sport.

I have gotten sick of being fat. I mean it this time y'all. I have actually done Pilates FOUR DAYS IN A ROW!! Next up, my Tae Bo. Yeah!! And I actually ate a carrot today! Woo hoo!!!

Number Jungle

Nowadays in kindergarten they teach them their phone number and address, which is good but kind of a hassle. Of course, Lily is just too smart for this sort of thing. This is what her teacher told me. When she asked if anyone knew their phone number, Lily said: "Yes. My number is 2."
"But your phone number can't be 2."
"Yes it is!!"
"No, there's more than one number in your phone number."
"Oh, it is 2 and then TALK."
"Let's learn your whole phone number."
"My number is 2 and than TALK. Nana's is 3, and Mimi's is 4. Taryn is 5 and my friend Skylar is 9."
You see, my cell phone has speed dial, and I taught Lily who is on which number because I got tired of her bringing the phone to me and asking me to dial a certain person for her. Plus, every person she meets she wants to give our phone number to, and so I told her to tell her friends her phone number was 2.
Now I have to rewire her brain to accommodate this information, which is baffling her.
"But Mom. YOU SAID my phone number was 2."
"I know."
"So I said 2!"
"But it's not. It's really a long number."
"So.... you LIED to me?"
"Oh good grief...."
To help her remember the real phone number, I made up a little rhyme since she's been on a rhyming thing lately ("Mom! SNOT and POT! They RHYME!!"). It goes something like this:
**5, I've got the vibe!
**8, I'm getting them straight!
***3, that's the number for me!
I thought it was good but she just looked at me weird, even when I tried to convince her it was cool and she could even dance to it if she wanted. She wasn't buying it. She just went on drawing and said
"Mom. You look so funny."

***Notes from Mom***
There's nothing like having your kids make you feel stupid.

My Mimi Moment 2

"Hey babe."
"Yeah?"
"You put our anniversary on the calendar on the 23rd."
"Yup."
"It's on the 27th."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Here, let me fix it....."
--grabs pen and draws an arrow from the 23rd to the 27th--
"That looks nice."
"You know what's really funny?"
"What?"
"There's a plaque right over there on the wall that says
'United In Love
James and Talia
September 27th, 2003'."

Pieces Of Me

I got this wild crack head idea yesterday that I would try waxing my legs for the following reasons:
1. We're going out for our anniversary this weekend.
2. The waxing strips were on sale.
3. If this went terribly wrong, I'd have one really funny blog to write.
Guess what happened.
So I buy the crap and get home and prop my leg on the coffee table because I'm really out of shape and I can't put my feet on the floor and bend over my gut to see my legs. I follow the directions:
Rub the strip between your hands to warm it.
Place it on the leg.
Rub in the direction of hair growth for five seconds.
Rip it off.
Honestly, it didn't hurt that bad. I liked ripping off my epidermis, which is exactly what happened. I lost the first layer of skin BUT NO HAIR. Tell me how that's possible! It's not! Only for me! So now the only thing that works to remove my leg hair is shaving. I've tried depilatories, all of them, and now cold waxing. With the results I got, I won't be trying hot wax any time soon. I tried re-waxing, but that was kinda hurting. Plus, the following objects were now glued to the coffee table:
My foot.
My cell phone.
Six wax strips.
A washcloth.
A child.
(Hey, she wanted to stick her finger on it, so I let her. I bet she doesn't do it again!)
So I gave up and went upstairs and shaved my legs. Now, I don't know if the waxing, the shaving or an allergic reaction contributed to my results, but here they are:

I hope you can see the pieces of my skin that are missing/flaking off. So much for "Sexy, smooth legs for up to four weeks!!" This sh*t hurts.
P.S.
You can click on them to make them bigger. The third one really is AWESOME.

Little Boy Blue

I woke up this morning..... and Caleb's legs were blue.
Apparently, he'd gotten up in the night and decided to eat some blueberries. Only one got into his mouth I'm guessing, because seven were smashed into his sheet and t-shirt. The sheets were salvageable because they were already blue. But his shirt, a white one that James brought from Egypt, was not. Hey at least they didn't get on the carpet, right? Oh, and did you know that blueberries stain skin too? He still has blue splotches on his legs. They look like Arabian chicken pox or something.

Now that Lily is in school, Caleb and I have had more time together, and I am really beginning to see his personality emerge. He loves to be read to, which is great but kind of frustrating sometimes, like when I'm in the bathroom. Oh, and he's discovered The Pagemaster. Uuuggghhh! He's watched that stinking movie 18 times in one week!! What's worse is he alternates with Jumanji, which is equally irritating. "Mom! Look at the rinotherous! An the elefunts!! They running!! De monkeys are getting in trouble. Dere momma gonna spank dem."

In the potty training area, we're still working on getting him to poop in the toilet. I've run out of ideas. I'm not using maxi pads in his underwear anymore because I got tired of changing his tighty whiteys when he "missed." Now another problem has emerged: he can't keep the stream in the toilet! I am constantly wiping pee off the seat and floor, then assailing it with Lysol ("Mom, dere's smoke in here!"). I think his problem is he gets going and then gets distracted, but when I try to keep him on target he says "Stop looking at me, Mom!"
"Well, keep your pee in the potty!"
"I'm trying but it just goes EVERYWHERE!"
He cracks me up.

Travelling With The B's

"Mom, what town are we in?"
"Cleburne."
"What comes after Cleburne?"
"I don't know."
"What comes after I don't know?"
"I said I don't know."
"What comes after I said I don't know?"
"Lily!"
"What comes after Lily?"
"A spanking."
"What comes after a spanking?"
"Lily stop!"
"What comes after Lily stop?"
--silence--
"Mom."
--quiet--
"Mom!"
--nothing--
"MOM!!"
"What?!"
"Are we still in Cleburne?"
"Yes, Lily."
"What comes after Cleburne?"

Conversation With My Body 2

"Heeeelllpppp meeeeee........"
"Did you hear that?"
"Heeeellllpppp meeee...."
"Who is making that racket?"
"I think it's Body."
"Oh good grief, what now?"
"Heeellllppp meeeee......"
"What do you want?"
"Thank goodness you're here! Throw me a line!"
"What?"
"I'm drowning!! Help me!!"
"You are not drowning, Body."
"How would you know? You just sit up there all day and think, think think...."
"Oh really. Tell me, how can you be drowning if you're not even near a body of water?"
"I'm drowning in FRUIT and VEGETABLES and WHOLE GRAINS!!"
"I'm out of here."
"You know what would save me? A double cheeseburger. It floats! And some fries for paddles would be nice."
"Whatever."
"No don't go! Seriously!! I need help!"
"You need a heavy sedative."
"Get me that cheeseburger before I DIE!!!"

RE: Kindergarten

This came from my cousin Lauren after she read my post about kindergarten:

"Tell Tally everybody in the office says she needs to
put together a book! So stinking hilarious!
It's even better that we're the same age and go
through some of the same life situations around the
same time. Man, that girl makes me laugh!!"

Okay, first of all, the "Tally." GAG. I hate that nickname. It makes me think of tally mark, tally whacker or tally sticks. Second, she may have two kids around the same age as mine, but we DO NOT go through the same life situations. Her kids are angels compared to mine. How many times has one covered the other with diaper rash cream? Or smothered the guinea pig with hand sanitizer? Or painted the walls with their feces? Or killed two pets? Or stopped up the bathtub with toilet paper?
When her kids come around I see well behaved, polite, clean little people.
When my kids come around people usually scramble to get away, especially the cashiers at Wal-Mart.

Camping With The B's

Every Labor Day a friend of ours has a camp out on her ranch and we usually try to go, if no major calamities occur. Holy Cheez Whiz, what was I thinking?!
We got down to the campsite, which is by a river and in the middle of nowhere and set up camp. We'd gotten a four man tent and a queen size air mattress, and there wasn't much room for our stuff. Do you know how much crap you have to pack to go camping? Good grief! We had two big bags, a cooler, three bags of non-cooler food, pillows, the mattress and tent, chairs, and sheets just to name a few items. We hardly had room for the kids in the car. So we stuff everything into the tent and the kids immediately find the "dirt pit," which is a pile of dirt that leads down to the river. Red dirt, not regular dirt. But this is our vacation, right? I let them play.
Soon it was time for bed. It had been raining off and on all day so we had to put the rain tarp over the tent, then we all piled in (after we peed in the bushes, mind you).
Let me tell you just in case you were wondering.... two adults and two kids cannot sleep comfortably on a queen size air mattress. Well, one adult and two kids can, but I couldn't. I had to sleep by Lily, which is like sleeping with an octopus because she snuggles up to you and the more you try to get away from her the more arms and legs she sprouts to hang onto you with. Plus, it was hotter than Hades in that freaking tent, and I cannot sleep when I am sweating. So I tossed and turned until, oh, three a.m. Every time I got away from Lily I got uncomfortable and had to roll over, which meant she rolled down into the hole I created while sitting up to turn over. Then I have to try and push her back up "the hill" while rolling over the opposite way and.... it was a big mess. Plus every time I moved everyone else moved, and that made me feel nice and fat.
In case you didn't know, my kids get up at the butt crack of dawn, and James sleeps until noon if he doesn't have to work. So guess who got up with the kids? Yup. It was me. We're up and we all get dressed in the little bitty tent that only they can stand up in, and they go play in the dirt. James gets up about four hours later, and we have a pretty good day. It was only 95 degrees outside, the kids had three playmates and five Labs to harass plus a pool to swim in, and so far I hadn't had to poop.
And then......
That wench Aunt Flo shows up. Stupid ho. But, I had come prepared, and there was a nice couple down there in a $90,000 travel trailer who let us use their bathroom when we needed to. So now we didn't have to do our business in the woods anymore. Which was great because every time Lily had to pee she would meticulously pick a spot, circle around to make sure it wasn't infested with insects, squat, start peeing, see some ants and jump up screaming while still peeing and inevitably get pee on her shoes as well as mine.
Bedtime again. This time we put the kids to bed with a flashlight and go mingle with the adult folk, who have a karaoke machine, hurricanes and gardaritas or whatever they were called. Soon everyone is drunk except for me, even though I had four fairly good sized drinks, and singing karaoke. It was fun. Then I got bored and went to bed,while James stayed up to croon with the other alley cats.
About an hour later I get up to bring James to bed, because the last time he got drunk he fell in the bathroom and nearly knocked himself unconscious. After searching for a few minutes and not finding him, I start asking the others if they'd seen him. Have you ever tried to get pertinent information from a drunk?
"Hey guys, have y'all seen James?"
--blank looks--
"Um, he was here when I went to bed and now I can't find him."
"Was he drinking?"
"Umm, yeah."
"What was he drinking?"
WTF? "Bud Light."
"Hey, I think this is his beer!" --holds up a can--
"Do you know where he is?"
"No man, I just found it over there on the table and started drinking it."
"Umm, okay, but did you see where he went?"
"He probably had to pee 'cause we gotta pee sometimes."
"Really? That's fascinating."
"What, man?"
"Nothing, man."
So I grab the flashlight and guess where I find him? Sitting in a chair outside our tent. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was sleeping upright because he thought he would puke downright. Then he asked me for the bug spray. I went back to bed. I slept a lot better that night, I guess due to the drinks. The next morning we all get up and eat breakfast, and the kids go play. Soon, they are back, covered in mud. I look at James and ask him if he's ready to leave. He is.
I guess I'm just not the camping type. I don't like bugs that are bigger than my foot, sleeping in an overly crowded hot tent, peeing in a bush, and drinking unidentified drinks in 90 degree weather. It was a pretty good trip, overall, but call me hoity toity, I was ready to go home. Plus I was hormonal, and hormones without air conditioning is just asking for trouble.

Kindergarten

Kindergarten.
Wow. I never thought I'd make it this far without shipping her to Japan. With the arrival of Lily's first and second day in kindergarten came these realizations:
1. My little girl isn't so little any more!
2. I have to get up at 6:30 a.m.
Number one makes me kind of sad. About six years ago I was staring at a stick with two pink lines on it thinking to myself, 'Crap. Guess I'll be grounded for this.' Six months later I was huge and sweating through a hot August summer while cursing my ex. After she was born, Dad came into our room and said, 'Well Tally, tomorrow you need to go out and get a job.' Guess I'm not a carefree teenager anymore. I had a whole other PERSON to take care of, not just cleaning my room and taking out the trash. THAT was a reality check.
Two years later I met her father (THAT sounds ironic...) and the years starting flying by, especially after Caleb was born. Suddenly, she was no longer the dark haired infant who first smiled at me while I was changing her millionth diaper but a loud, energetic, brazen mini-teenager. What happened? Life. Every mother goes through her days of reminisce, and with them comes another realization: I have to teach this little person how to BE a decent human being. Um, where did that instruction manual go....
Ah, the Bible. The perfect manual. But how am I supposed to teach my kids to be a God-fearing, morally outstanding citizen when I am just learning myself? So lately I've been trying to balance my own learning with experimentation, kind of like the kids and I are learning together. But I digress....
Number two makes me sad too. At 6:30 a.m. I am groggy, grumpy, ill-willed and hormonal to boot. But I have to get up and get her ready, because if she is tardy too many days I go to jail. That's another thing I wish I had thought of before getting really drunk and... getting kidnapped by aliens who impregnated me with an experimental sub-species of ATTITUDE. Not only do you have to teach them how to be human, cook for, clean, dress, discipline, reward, potty train and chaperon them, you have to get them up at an indecent hour and hurry them off to school for 190 days out of the year. By my calculations, I will be getting up early at least 2,850 days solely for educational purposes.
Bring it on.

***Notes From Mom***
Wait until her graduation day and you think... Oh, crap!...No!..I'm not finished with her yet!! Then you realize that she is setting sail and you didn't teach her everything imaginable about sailing. Been there...Love, Mom

Conversation With The He-Child

This morning Caleb and I were laying down trying to take a nap, because waking a three year old up at 6:30 a.m. and then expecting him to function without a complete meltdown for the rest of the day is irrational. So we were talking about our upcoming camping trip, which will be a disaster to say the least not only because all four of us will be sleeping in a tent, but because we will have to relieve ourselves in the woods. Fun fun. I told Caleb we were going to go dove hunting and fishing, and he said that if he caught a shark he was going to throw it back before it ate him.
"Well, if he does start eating you I'll scream 'No! Get off my little boy!' How about that?"
"Yeah!"
"But what if I catch a shark and it starts eating me?"
"I will throw him back."
"That's good. What about if it starts to eat Lily? What will you do?"
"Nothing!"
"Nothing? You wouldn't throw it back for her?"
"Nope."
So the lines are drawn.....

Adventures With Mimi 4 --- The Beginning

Looking through my old emails, I came across one from Mom.
It was her response to the carnival blog.
Ah the Runaway Mine Train, where it all began. You know that moment in your life when you realize your mom has a quirky/evil side to her? This is the story of my moment.
Mom had volunteered to be a chaperon on my seventh grade choir trip to Six Flags. We had a pretty good time, our choir sung for some competition that we didn't even place in because we were all focused on the Six Flags trip. When we got there we did the usual hum-bug things that people who ABSOLUTELY HATE ROLLER COASTERS AND ANY OTHER RIDE COMBINING HEIGHT AND SPEED do, because I am one of those people. Apparently mom is not.
Oh so cunning was her approach....
"Let's go on this one, I used to ride it all the time when I was your age, it's fun, come on!"
After I thoroughly grilled her and was satisfied that this ride was going to be slow and all sissy-fied, I climbed into the car beside her.
The ride starts off by slowly going through this house set up with dolls or something in each room. I can't really recall, I think my brain has blocked those memories out.
Anyway we're going nice and slow and I'm almost convinced this is going to be fun, when I notice we're heading into a wall.
"Mom? There's a wall up there."
"Uh huh."
"Are we going to hit it, I mean because we're kind of speeding up..."
"No, we won't hit it." Hee hee hee!
"It sure looks like it, I mean... what are you laughing about? Mom? Mom!"
"Hee hee hee hee!!!"
"Seriously Mom we're about to crash into a wall and you're AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!"
That's how the rest of the ride went, me swearing that I'll never do anything she suggests ever again and screaming my head off while she laughs like a drunken hyena.
She loved it. I however am scarred for life. James, you can blame her for my inability to pass a roller coaster without hyperventilating and yelling "You're sick! A sick, twisted mother!"

***Notes from Mom***
You make it sound so bad......

Fart Fun

Yesterday I scared James for the first time in our four years together. I was sitting on the bathroom sink flossing. I sit there so I can be close to the mirror to make sure I get everything from between my teeth. And here comes James, two fingers ready to annihilate any subtly clogged pore I may have on my back. I usually don't mind being picked on but when I'm trying to concentrate on something and I'm constantly being interrupted by pinching pain, I tend to get nasty. Really nasty. So there he was, concentrating on a stubborn blackhead, when I saw my opportunity......
BBRRRAAAAPPPPP!!!!!
You know how farts echo off a smooth surface. James jumped back with this priceless look on his face like someone had fired a gun at close range and he was going through all of his mental military files to determine a proper response. Then he hastily retreated to the bedroom while I laughed myself onto the floor. The really mean thing about it was I was watching in the mirror to see his reaction! Isn't that sick? Later he commented that he was surprised he got away with both his shoes intact. I think I laughed until midnight.

Isn't That Stupid?!!

• You can view your Sprint bill online, but to get any explanations you have to call them and wait on hold for 20 minutes because their dumb "Explain My Bill" section only has pictures of bills and tags like "This is how many travel minutes you used" instead of "Click here for a definition of travel minutes and how you can avoid them."
• There are forty thousand people at Wal-Mart and only three cashiers, two of whom are of the express lane type.
• Cingular haunts you for four years to pay a $300 bill, then makes a settlement in a lawsuit and sends you a refund check for the $300 that you didn't pay in the first place.
• 75% of America is overweight, yet it costs about $400 a year to use a gym and $80 per paycheck to buy wholesome foods, not to mention what you can spend on diet pills.
  
• There is a $100,000 shower for sale, while children everywhere are starving.
• You forget your debit PIN number, and still can't remember it 24 hours later.
• If you lose your purse moving to Illinois please be aware that to obtain an Illinois driver's licence, you need the Texas licence and social security card that was in said purse. To get a new social security card you need to present two forms of picture ID, as in your Texas driver's lisence and your military ID, which are in the lost purse. There are no exceptions to this rule.
  
• If you work all summer planting a beautiful flower garden, the landscapers will mow it all down and your husband will comment that they probably did it because the flowers looked like weeds, and then doesn't understand why you are upset.
  
• Your kids can yell at you in a store but if you yell back you get ugly looks.
• Life jackets come with this warning: "Do not carry heavy objects while wearing this life jacket. Heavy objects impede floatation." That's good to know.
  
• You gain ten pounds in the week before your period.
  

That Holy Feeling 4

Every time our little family tries to take a trip anywhere, Lily gets sick. Seriously, she'll develop a runny nose going to Walmart. So of course, when we arrive in San Antonio for our Sea World trip, she starts running a 102-103 temperature and complaining that her throat hurt.
I let it go with Advil for two days, then we took her into the ER because that's the only way Humana would cover an out of area visit. Blah blah blah.
The wait wasn't too long because we were there on a Wednesday afternoon and they had a really cool kids waiting area. Lily and I get to the back, what I often refer to as the Labyrinth of Medical Mystery because you're always hearing strange noises and people screaming. The doctor on call is Dr. Abubu or something, and he says, quote "I don't think she have big problem. Just a virus, no worries. Give Advil and water, lots of sleep. Have good day!" Okay.
We go home and finish up the day and I lay down to say my prayers. I pray really hard for Lily to get better mainly because she felt horrible and was running a high temperature, but also because we want to go to Sea World, darn it!! He is the Healer, so I knew I could count on Him.
He didn't disappoint.
Lily woke up the next morning without a fever, sore throat, or soreness!!! What's more, she stayed that way for the rest of the trip!!
Praise the Lord!!!

Getting Naked At Sea World.... And Other Things

Oh, where do I start?
We have been planning a trip to Sea World since last year, which means the kids have been talking about it for eleven months straight. Everyone was hyped up and excited, even me as I packed everything but the toilet seat and plunger. James works during the week in San Antonio, and he was going to be the only worker there this week, so we all went and stayed at the employee apartment. For a whole week. While James worked during the day. Just me, the kids and Lenny. Anyway, staying in a strange apartment with the kids all day wasn't the worst part. Lily got sick, right on cue (the past three trips we've made she's been sick on! I'm sure Humana loves us.). She had a 102-103 fever, so we took her to the ER. The doctor, who spoke broken English, said "I don't think she have big problem. Just a virus, no worries. Give Advil and water, lots of sleep. Have good day!" For the rest of this story, see the next blog.
So, after swimming for three days straight and trying to keep the apartment's CREAM COLORED CARPET stain free, it was Sea World time!!
We got there about 9:30 and went straight to the Dolphin Cove to feed some porpoises. Well, the feeding booth didn't open up for another hour, plus the cost of a basket of fish was $5! For three fish! Dead fish!! The wailing begins. Ok, so we'll go see the sharks. Nope. They don't open until 11. If you're going to advertise that your park opens at 10 why are all the exhibits closed until 11?!! Caleb starts crying harder because now he's been disappointed twice in one hour, and that makes James irritated. He threatens to leave the park and take us home, which kinda didn't work. Cue for me to be the sweet, consoling mother and the glaring eyed wife.
SO we were forced to see the smelly Clydesdale's, which I guess was cool because I kinda like horses. When they're safely behind bars and I am safely behind a rope. Which isn't much for a six foot, one ton animal to barrage through but hey, it's all good.
After that we meander over to the water park, which is why I wanted to come. I HATE hot weather, especially when I am walking four miles hunched over a stroller pushing a 45 pound little girl who COULD walk on her own but NO.... I digress.
On the way we pass Shamu's roller coaster thing, and Caleb wants to ride it, so we stop. The boys wait in line forever because it's a Saturday and about 700,000 people have shown up for this one ride. When Caleb and James finally get up there, the operator tells him he can't take the camera on the ride. So James storms off the platform and we go to the water park. We get there and rent a locker, James swearing that next year we aren't going to bring so much crap. Caleb is still crying, which is exacerbated by me trying to put sunscreen on him. James gets more mad, I give more looks. Lily and I head to the wave pool, while Caleb and James go BACK to the ride so that Caleb will be quiet.
Ah, the wave pool. Such fun for a blond.
It was okay until the buzzer went off and the waves started and I discovered we were smack on the break line, which is the area of the pool where the waves break and well, you're going to get knocked on your a$. Lily thought it was great fun to watch me try to keep my balance, keep her from floating away, keep my flailing arms from hitting other people, and keep my gut sucked in because James wanted me to wear the tankini today. All while laughing to keep the lifeguard from jumping in and REALLY embarrassing myself, and trying to keep water out of my nose because I absolutely hate that.
And then.... Lily gets swept up as I go crashing down, she grabs for me and POP goes the boob out of my top. Now there's a dilemma: cover the boob or rescue the child. The child has a life jacket on, my boob has stretch marks. I sit down quickly and get smothered by another wave but while under that wave I get my ninny back into place. Coming up for air, I am bashed in the face by my child who is floating with the next wave in my direction. Under I go again.
Not caring if I look fat anymore or not, I grab Lily and walk (stumble? float? fall?) out of the pool. We then went to the kiddie pool, which is much more blond-friendly.
James and the crying Caleb come back, one wet from tears and the other wet with exhaustion/frustration. While conversing with my pissed husband I discover Caleb didn't eat much breakfast. Duh, the kid is hungry.
We find a wallet-sucking eatery and get our food, only to find that all the tables have been taken by people's CRAP. You know, towels, bags, shoes, floats, etc all arranged to mark that space as taken. I just plopped down next to this nice looking, non-English speaking Mexican lady and start feeding my wailing child. When lunch was over, we went and stood in line to ride the mini slide that lands you in the kiddie pool. Now I know you're expecting some catastrophe, but I actually made it down in one piece, without taking out any kids with my landing.
When we get done we go to the lazy river which is almost as fun as the wave pool but in much shallower, albeit faster moving water. So now the wailer is quiet and we're all being lazy, losing each other for a few minutes but finding each other before too long. Often Lily and I get rammed into the wall by people floating in tubes, and did you know that there are panty-pulling super jets along those walls? Yup, I found one. As soon as I realized that my derriere was exposed, a la my sister's graduation ceremony, I over react and let go of Lily who is keeping me afloat via her life jacket, which means I get sucked under the tube rider in front of me and start drowning. I come up for air, pull up my bottoms and get swept off my feet. When I come up again I'm under those stinking water fountain things and I think I'm still drowning because they're hitting me right in the face, so I'm still kind of flailing my arms. When I get my bearings straight, James catches up to me and has the gall to ask "Where's Lily?" Never mind your chlorine inhaling wife, get the safely jacketed and probably okay child.

Out of the river, we decide to see the dolphins and stuff. Only when we get there, we have two problems: Caleb is asleep and there are 5,000 people in line and around the pool. Ugh. I'm starting to wish we had come during the week. There are so many people we decide we probably can't ride any rides or see any shows. We go see the sharks instead, then visit the gift shop, which we had to leave fairly quickly because both kids started crying wanting some college fund emptying stuffed toy. Afterwards we head back to the water park, only to find that we have to wait in line because the park has "reached capacity." I'll tell you about reaching capacity. James has none, so now he's super pissed.
Eventually we get back into the park and James makes some comment about leaving, so I grab the kids and scream "Fine!! You leave! We're having a GREAT time!!"

Back to the wave pool, which is closed because some kid pooped all in the pool. We settle for the kiddie pool again, and while in there the wave pool opens back up. But we're liking the little pool so we stay and eventually decide we're hungry and tired. We get out, gather the CRAP we're NOT taking next year, sell our locker to an older guy (all the lockers had been rented, so people we're trying to buy them from people who were smart enough to get there early) and make the treacherous walk to the car in a mammoth parking lot.
We eat at McDonald's, go home and pass out.

AND, TO TOP IT ALL OFF......
I got a sunburn that most assuredly will morph my moles into melanoma.

THE ICING ON THE CAKE......
I get back and one side of my flower garden has been MOWED OVER by those incompetent landscapers!! How many brain cells do you have to have to distinguish a flowering plant from a weed?!!