That Holy Feeling 7

There has been a long standing issue between James and I that recently came to a head again. I wanted to talk to James about it, but I needed the right words to say. So I prayed "Lord, I need Your guidance right now. Please give me the words to say so that this cycle will be broken. Amen."
And He said "Ok."
After a moment, He said "Tell James you think you and the kids should stay with your mom the next time you travel out of town."
"I meant right now."
"Right now?"
"But I'm scared! What if he says this or brings up that or..."
"You asked for help, and I'm helping you."
"But I'm scared."
"But I'm with you."
So I tell James. He doesn't reply.
"Now tell him you think it would be better for all of you."
"What? That's nuts. I need more of an argument than that!"
"Not with Me you don't."
"You gonna say it?"
"Right now?"
So I say it, and James says "We could try it."
I was floored! "That's it?"
"That's it."
"Hey, thanks!!"
"Any time. Just pray."
And the situation has been getting better since!!

Vag Finder

My husband and I always have the same conversation most nights. It goes something like this:
"Look at this gut!" (jiggles his imaginary gut)
"Oh please."
"No really, look. I'm holding a good inch of fat here."
"You are not fat."
(turns to the side) "Yeah, I am."
"Look down. Can you see your penis?"
(laughing) "Yeah..."
"You know what? When I look down, I see stretch marks. No vagina. So you cannot be fat because your fat isn't blocking your view of your penis. Now shut up."
"You aren't fat, babe."
"Until I can see my vagina I am."
The defense rests.

Lies I Tell My Husband While He's Away

I NEVER pour cooking oil down the kitchen drain.
Sure, the kids brush their teeth every night.
They also got a bath today.
We had slices of honey glazed pork loin with whole grain brown rice and fresh broccoli for dinner.
Lily always gets to school on time.
I really don't mind changing diapers for Caleb.
I'm doing my Pilates right now, can I call you back?
This laundry is just so much fun!
Oh no, we get along GREAT when you're gone!
Sure, go to Red Lobster. Our finances are in ship-shape.
You put in ceiling fans today? That is SO fascinating!!
I'm fine without you here. Really. Don't worry!


What I Need

I did one of these things on Myspace where you type in "(your name) needs/wants/is a/died of" and Google it and repost the first search result you get. Here was mine:
Talia needs..... what is called in the social work field an "intervention."
Isn't that a hoot??
On another note, I called and closed the child support case. I just "forgave" $3085.33. Maybe I'll get a thank you card. Doubt it though.


A "Soft" Moment

The other morning as I was getting dressed, Lily sat down beside me and said
"I want Melissa to be my mom."
"Because she is soft and she is nice to me."
"But what if I want to keep you?"
"Well, I want her to be my mom."
"Well, I want to keep you."
"Because you grew in my body, and I had you, and I've had you for six years and I like you and you are mine. And I want to keep you."
She sat there for a minute, then gave me a big hug and walked downstairs and got dressed for school.
She hasn't said anything more about getting a new mommy.


Shot Myself In The Foot

Not really.
But now that I've bought James his new toy, he's morphed into a child. I don't know how many times I've yelled the following phrases:

"Turn that crap down!! The neighbors can hear it!!"
"You have to SHARE, James. Let the kids play too."
"One more song, then it's Lily's turn."
"Five more minutes, then it's time for bed."
"I mean it!! Five minutes!!"
"If you like it so much why don't you just MARRY it?"
"Scoot back from the T.V. You'll ruin your eyes."
"Come eat or your dinner will get cold!"

Geesh. This is crazy!!

You're My Favorite Wife

PlayStation 2 : $129.99

Guitar Hero 2: $79.95

Huge gift bag: $0.97

Seeing your husband's face when you give him his gift: priceless

Realizing afterward that you won't be getting any because he'll be playing the stupid game all night long: more priceless