Painting My Room

Sometimes I come up with fairly craptastic ideas.
Like... painting my bedroom.
All brown.
With stripes.
I know.
So I gathered my supplies and began. It started out fairly well. The kids helped on the parts I was planning on painting over anyway, it surprisingly works up a sweat, and the wall looked half-way Martha Stewart-ish.
That half would up being the disheveled in-jail half.
Even James, being 3000 miles away, could see that the stripes weren't straight.

"Do you like it?"
"..... do you?"
"I like it. I think I did a pretty good j- why are you smiling?"
"I'm not."
"Yes you are!"
"I like it."
"No you don't! You're smiling! Liar!"
"No, I really like it!"
"You can't even stop smiling to make your lie seem feasible!"
*still smiling*
"I can just see what you mean when you said the stripes were hard to get straight."
"Whatever. I like it. When YOU get home YOU can fix them up to YOUR standards."
"No, they're fine!"
*still smiling*

So I redid all six lines with the help of my father-in-law and discovered that because the house has shifted, the room is not a perfect square. That means the lines will be slightly crooked because of the walls not being straight. But he did help me make them not so zig-zag looking.... Then I realized I would have to do the trim and door frames because James is an ex-Marine and certain things have to look right and BLAH BLAH BLAH. So I did that and realized that you cannot do so without a painter's best friend: BLUE. TAPE.
I've used the CRAP out of that stuff.
And now I'm over it. I don't want to finish.
I'm lagging.
But today I heaved a big sigh and drug out all the stuff and PAINTED A WHOLE WALL INCLUDING THE TRIM. Woo hoo!!
But I'm still debating on wether to put a second coat on the trim.
It IS behind the bed.
What Mr. Bounces-Quarters-Off-The-Bedsheets doesn't know won't hurt him.

The He-Child Understands

Recently the children have been asking questions about babies and how they are made, etc. I've told them the very basic things, nothing exotic (they've already found certain things they shouldn't have, you know).

About ten days ago my in-laws came home with a leopard gecko. Yeah. Can you feel my joy, people? The kids named it Yo-Yo, as in "Yo yo yo, what's up??" Yup, my kids are unique. She was really pretty and docile.
Until Caleb accidentally squeezed her too hard and certain insides that should remain on the inside wound up on the outside. Yeah. Yuck. We had her euthanized yesterday. But ANYWAY, back when she was alive (RIP) my in-laws took them to the pet store to buy some crickets. While they were there, they apparently asked how to sex a gecko. When they returned home, the following conversation ensued.

Caleb: "MOM. Yo-Yo is a GIRL."
Me: "Really?"
"Yeah. Cause the Peck Smark people showed us how to look and we looked and she's a GIRL."
"But we're not going to have babies cause you need a BOY to have babies."
"Yeah, and we DID NOT GET a BOY gecko."
"Why do you need a boy and a girl gecko to have babies?"
"Cause they are exactly like humans."
"Oh, so two boys can't have a baby?"
"And two girls can't have a baby?"
"So if a gurl human wanted a baby, what does she need?"
*thoughtful expression*
"A baby bottle."

Love. That. Imagination.

Weekly Weigh-In 12

I think I'll just move these to Monthly Weigh-Ins.

Weigh- In: 210

Lost: 19

To Go: 31


The He-Child Grows Up

I'm sad today.
My little boy turned five not long ago.
The joys of raising boys....
"MOM!! I stepped on the lizard's tail and LOOK!! It's still MOVING!!"
"SWEET MAMA!! Look at that lizard!"
"Mom, I'm hot and sweaty and hungry and I'm NOT having a good day!"
It seems like just yesterday I held him for the first time after he was born.
And now he's answering the phone.
*ring, ring*
-picks up phone-
"Who is it?"
"I can't hear you."
"I SAID I can't HEAR YOU."
"My Papa? Or my Nana?"
"Caleb, who was on the phone?"
"I think it was a robot."


Gummy Bear Boobs

Okay, so since James and I have been married I have always lamented about my small boobs.
I like most of my body, don't get me wrong, and I LIKE my boobs, I just don't LOVE them.
I think they should go up a cup.
I also have been telling James that when I lose all the weight I want to lose, I would like to pursue breast enhancement. To which he replied with drooling.
Now that I have lost a third of what I want to lose, I Googled that subject.
As it turns out, bigger boob surgery probably will require an upgrade in as little as two years or as many as fifty years. There are also complications, blah blah blah, to having bigger boobs, like unwarranted male attention and winning wet T-shirt contests. Oh, and loss of sensitivity to the nipple area or mass infection requiring a double mastectomy. But only in back alley operations, I assume. I mean this is AMERICA people, we have, like, antibiotics and stuff.
Oh, and you can also pick your boob material. There is the tried and true saline, silicone, double lumen designs that combine the previous two, and ....
the gummy bear implant.
Oh yeah.
Apparently, they are "solid, high-cohesive, form-stable implants" that "largely eliminate the possibility of silicone migration."
If I don't get the procedure done correctly, they can MIGRATE??
Like, where will they go?
Armpit nipple, anyone?
So apparently these implants stay in place, are really life-like, and have a long shelf life.
(Shelf life. Ha ha ha.)
I wonder if they come in red.
James really likes the red ones.
Well, he likes all the flavors. All things gummy, in fact.
I would be the ULTIMATE WIFE if I had gummy bear boobs.
I wonder if they have bread pudding lips and bean and cornbread butts.
On second thought... maybe not.

To Joe with those Bloody Fish Already!!!

I know. I know.
Enough with the fish stories.
But on one final note, all the goldfish died.
And Mr. Crabs 2.
But we found an ADORABLE black kitten outside and have adopted it.
I told you I do mammals better.
His name is Hal, short for Halloween Cat.
I'm taking Introduction to Sociology this month, and it's very likely that that's what I should be doing right now.
But I'm a dedicated blogger.
Oh, how I joke!
But it has turned out to be a very interesting topic.
More on that later.....



I would highly recommend that my audience go see UP and Monsters vs. Aliens.
UP is watch-worthy not only because it is hilarious, but for the geriatric fight scene.
MvsA is funny too. I like Seth Rogan.
For that matter, I suggest Knocked Up and Pineapple Express as well.
If you don't mind some crude humor and a little pot smoking.
Okay, a LOT of pot smoking.
Some other movies I really like:

Slumdog Millionaire
August Rush
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day
Iron Man
What Happens in Vegas
The Devil Wears Prada

You're welcome for all the links. Whew!

Weekly Weigh-In 11

Well my my my!!
Stress DOES help one lose weight!
Or it could be the Arson I started taking again....

Weigh-In: 210

Lost: 19

To Go: 31


One Fish... Wait, NO Fish

The darned sucker fish died!!

So we went and bought ten goldfish, and they're acting the same way the others did 24 hours before they died!!!

Good grief!!

(If these die I'm moving to another species of animal. Maybe reptile or bird. I KNOW I can keep mammals alive.)


One Fish... and No More

Well, the fish only lasted for three days.
Two days ago the inexplicably began staying at the bottom of the tank.
Not swimming. Not eating.
Just sitting.
Yesterday I Googled "fish at bottom of tank not moving look sick" and read that they may have been overfed and now have a blockage in their swim bladder, which helps them rise to the surface. Which makes sense when remembering that I woke up to two DARLING children happily informing me that they had already fed the fish that morning. The common recommendation is a diet of peas (yeah, those kind) and a partial water change.
So that's what I did.
And they all died, except the sucker fish.
Now I thought the deaths would be taken hard by the kids, since they loved the fish so much.
But I'd forgotten how... resilient?... my children are.

"Mom! Two of the fish are floating at the top of the tank!"
"Oh honey, I'm sorry. I guess sometimes fish just don't...."
"Can I flush it down the toilet?"
"No I want to!"
"I asked first!!"
"There's two of them! You can each flush a fish!!"

Good grief.

The Life That is Mine

Cell phone with alarm built in: $29.99 on eBay

Dark roast coffee: $6.99

Laptop computer: $689.97

Summer college courses online: $1,112.82

Psyching yourself up for your first day of "summer school," waking up at an hour that should be illegal, and discovering the course starts on June 8th and not June 1st: PRICELESS