The Magic Of Three

I survived a day with two 3 year olds today, Skylar and Caleb. Now Skylar I could write a whole book on, she's so... interesting. Anyway, I was upstairs blogging and my phone started ringing downstairs. Being the loaf that I am, I yell at Caleb to get the phone and answer it for me.
"Where is it?"
"On the bookshelf!"
--runs into his room--
"I can't find it!"
"It's in the living room on the bookshelf!"
--runs back into the living room--
"On the bookshelf!"
"I can help! I hear it!" says Skylar.
"Where's the bookshelf?"
"It's about seven foot tall with all of Mommy's books on it!"
"I still hear it!"
--phone quits ringing--
"Mom, it stopped!"
"OK. Never mind."
"You've got voicemail!" says my phone.
"The mail is here!"
"Yeah, let's go check the mail!"
--Caleb gathers his pillow and joins Skylar, in her ballerina costume, at the front door--
"Mom, let's go get the mail!"
So they fight the whole way to the mailbox over who gets to be the leader and all I got was junk mail.

A little while later, Caleb comes to me crying because the VCR is spitting out the tapes and turning itself off. I go over and inspect it, lift the door thing, hit it a few times, try a tape, and turn it off. "Well, you're just going to have to watch DVD's until Daddy gets home," I say. Skylar comes up to me wanting to watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas, a VHS.
"Skylar, that won't work."
"Because the VCR isn't working."
"But I want to watch this green guy!"
"Yeah I know, but it won't work in the VCR right now."
"Because it is broken."
"But... I wanted to watch this."
"Yes. I know. But you can't."
--Looking hurt--
--Deep breath--
"Because the VCR is broken."
"It's broken?"
"Hey, do you like Barney?! Barney is on DVD!"
The art of distraction.

Fat Vag

Fatty fatty, two by four
Couldn't fit in the thong from the store!
Looks so much better lying in the drawer
Should have gone up one size more!
Woe is me...

Magic With The B's

Recently the kids, my friend and her kids and I went to a Halloween themed magic show. At one point the magician asked for a volunteer from the audience, and guess who he picked? Yup. Lily.
"Come on up here little girl, what's your name?"
"My name is Lily."
"Hi, Lily! Are you ready to...."
"That's my brother Caleb. He's three. And there is Skylar, she's three too. And...."
"OK Lily, shuffle this deck of cards for me will you?"
What five year old knows how to shuffle a deck of cards?!
Three minutes..... four...
"OK Lily, go down into the audience and pick someone out."
Walks down there.... picks a two year old.....
"Let's pick an adult. How about you sir? Pick a card, any card!"
Picks a card.
"OK, now tear the corner off, remember your card, and put it back in the deck."
Complies, Lily walks back onto the stage.
"OK Lily now I have a question. Are you brave?"
"Uh... yeah!"
"OK. Here's my magic wand. I want you to point it to the black hat over there, say 'Abba Babba!' and wake up my pet snake Mike."
Points wand to hat, says abba babba.
"Hum, I guess you'll have to say it higher so he can hear you."
Raises wand, says abba babba.
"Um, I mean raise your voice so he can--"
Raises wand further up and says in a low voice abba babba, which send Melissa and I into giggles in the back row.
"Well, maybe he woke up that time. Why don't you go check?"
Looks at him very suspiciously.....
"Lily, are you brave?"
"Uh, yeah!"
"Go see if Mike is awake."
Walks over there, gets to the hat, out of which springs a fake snake, holding the torn card. She flies back across the stage, scared but excited. All the kids scream.
"Very good Lily! You woke up Mike! Look, he even has your card! Here, you can keep it, there you go!"
Lily goes back to her seat, clearly overjoyed with her 15 minutes of fame.
Well, it didn't go as bad as I thought it might.... whew.

That Holy Feeling 6

The Amish. I don't really know who they are or what they do, but I do know that on October 2, 2006, a man went to an Amish school and shot five students and then himself. This is an excerpt from the book Amish Grace:
"How did the Amish decide so quickly to extend forgiveness?
'You mean some people actually thought we got together to plan forgiveness?' chuckled Katie, a seventy-five year old grandmother....
'Forgiveness was a decided issue,' explained Bishop Eli. 'It's just what we do.... It was spontaneous... It was not a new kind of thing.' Forgiveness for Roberts and grace for his family had begun as spontaneous expressions of faith, not as mandates from the church.
'Why is everybody all surprised?' asked one Amish man. 'It's just standard forgiveness; it's what everybody should be doing.'"

What a definition of faith in God! Loyalty as Beth Moore defines it:
"Loyalty is when a sudden temptation poses a question of character, if we have true conviction, we don't have to consider how we'll react. The question is already answered; we just act upon it!"

That Holy Feeling 5

I've been reading a book by Beth Moore called Believing God. It's about believing God, not just passive believing in God. At one point she gave her readers this challenge:
  1. Say the Pledge of Faith as many times per day as you can.
  2. Record at least one Godstop per day (Godstops are instances where you see God working in or around your life).
  3. Give up something for a set amount of time to further your personal sanctification toward God.
The first two were relatively easy. The last one... not so. I like everything in my life and I don't want to give any of it up!! Except for... these 50 pounds or so. Hmm... so, after some prayer I decided that for 40 days (since some significant stuff was accomplished in 40 days in the Bible) I would give up junk food, including but not limited to:
  • ALL fast food
  • Cookies, cake, pie
  • White breads
  • Crackers, tortillas, etc. (whole wheat is ok)
  • Ice cream
  • Excessive amounts of peanut butter
  • Chocolate
I'm not doing this to put myself on a diet per se, but because it is something I have struggled with for a long time and I think it may be hindering my walk with God. How can you develop a friendship with someone if you're constantly thinking, talking and worrying about food and fat? Wish me luck, y'all. Taco Bell is sounding soooo good right now.....

Who Came Up With This Crap???

Who invented money? Why can't we all go back to bartering with salt and paprika? I could pay my car off quick, because HEB had a nice salt sale going on this week.
I, being the financial planner of this marriage, have decided that we need to:
  1. Pay off our debts.
  2. Start an emergency fund.
  3. Load our retirement funds.
  4. Buy a new car.
  5. Buy a house.
To do that, we need to be making a bit more than $2K a month. So, when Caleb gets in school I plan on going to school, if we can afford it. What am I going for, you ask. I don't know. I wanted to be a nurse, but people tend to bleed, puke, and poop on nurses. A teacher would be nice, but 20 screaming six year olds is not my idea of fun, and strangling teenagers isn't either. Then I thought of psychology but, to quote a friend of mine, "I'd be scared to be in a room with some of those crazy people!!" Hey, we're not all that bad. I also thought about being an accountant or financial planner. AARRGGHH!!! Numbers!! But then I checked out this book, financial planning for retards or something, and I kind of got into stocks, bonds, the market, IRA's and stuff. I think it pays good, I guess I should figure that out too.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not money hungry; after all, money is the root of all evil. But money can be the root of a pretty pear tree too. A cluster of pears being a home, another pear a car, one each for private tuition for the kids, and a trunk of retirement so I can devote all my time taking care of my crazy mom when she starts to REALLY go, since it is apparent that I have been nominated for the job (thanks, Taryn!).
But we're in a pretty good situation to start off in. We only have $8,000 in debt (the car), $1,000 in an emergency fund, and $2,000 in a Roth IRA, not counting his military retirement and a couple other employer retirement accounts). I figured up last night that if we save $300 a month until this car is paid off (48 months), we would have a nice chunk of change ($14,400) to pay for a new car. Thus not incurring any more debt. Now, if we could double that, we'd have a new car and a sizable down payment for a house. Then we could really start focusing on retirement and tuition and stuff.
Ah, the dreams I have. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out every time James spends $5.47 at Wendy's!! "James! We have lunch meat!! There goes our Honda Civic!! Geez!!" Easy, girl.



So last night I was feeling my age and decided to take a nice, hot bath with my new Aloe Vera bath beads. I turned on the water and cruised the Internet for a little bit. I went back in the bathroom and added my beads, turned the water off. Then I went to get in and KERPLOOSH!!! Half of the water spilled out over the sides and onto the floor. Guess a five foot by one foot bathtub can't hold 50 gallons of water and a 220 lb. woman. FINE. I didn't want that much water in here anyway!
So I go about my business and lay down to get my hair wet. Guess what? KERPLOOSH!! There goes another 20 gallons or so. Way to stroke the old ego there. By now I'm frustrated and not at all relaxed, so I wash my hair and soap up my washcloth. I get my upper body done but now I have to raise my lower body to wash it. I decide I don't have the arm strength to put my hands on either side of the bathtub and push myself up so I bend my left leg, and turn so that my other leg lengthens with the intention to thus get on my knees and stand from there (I was tired y'all). But now.... I'm stuck. My butt and my knee have me in a strange sort of vice grip and I..... can't really move. After cursing a little I grab the box of bath beads and pour the rest over me, lathering me up so my knee could slip an inch or so and break the boxing in it had created with my butt. I decided that the bath beads made my lower half clean enough and just got out. I think I'll stick with showers from now on....


The Twelve Days Of Being Rich

On the first day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"I really need a new toy for me!"
On the second day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"This car isn't what it used to be..."
On the third day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Let's go to the sea!"
On the fourth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Look at this new CD!"
On the fifth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Wouldst thou like something for thee?"
On the sixth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"This apartment sucks. I would like to leave."
On the seventh day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"There's this motorcycle I would like to see...."
On the eighth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"For Halloween what do I want to be?"
On the ninth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"Did you say you like Bonsai trees?"
On the tenth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"These couches look like big old heaps."
On the eleventh day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"We could acquire a deed!"
On the twelfth day after receiving our tax refund my true love said to me:
"All this spending sure is tiring!"

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!!

I was sifting through all the stuff that James accumulated throughout his deployment in Egypt, and I came across some letters that I'd sent him. One started out with the usual "Hey how are you, we're good, the kids are great" stuff. Then I came across these snippets of conversation:
"My vagina emailed me and wanted a loan so she could buy a one way ticket to Egypt. I told her I would have to pull some strings."
"I'm about to die without a cigarette or a candy bar."
"My libido has acquired a spear and declared war. Pray for the troops!!"

"Don't worry, your kids are fine....."
Anyway, on another note isn't it funny how sex changes after you've been married a while? At first the big "trend" was for guys to be able to "go for HOURS." Not after four years. I mean call me weird but after 20 minutes it kinda gets boring (and if you have kids and it's been 20 minutes, you probably better finish up quickly anyway). I like to get done and, uh, STOP. None of this "recoup or warm up for round two" crap. There IS no round two. I'm done. If you're not, well I guess that's why you were born with hands. I want some ice cream and t.v.
Another "trend" was the whole size thing. You know, the bigger the better. Now I'm no fan of the barely-there fellows when it comes to the bedroom (I'm not sorry, get over it), but if he comes at me with a can of Coke or a Sequoia that just ain't gonna fly. Some women have cervices you know.
Yet another "trend" was to introduce new moves to the bedroom scene in the hopes of turning on your partner. After marriage and two kids, if just the fact that he's getting any at all doesn't turn him on then he's got problems. Further, some stuff I am not physically able to do no matter how "tantric" or "mind blowing" it may be. You try to get an elephant to stand on its elbows. Not gonna happen. So forget it.
"Trend" three is the having-sex-four-times-a-day phenomena that disappears after the conception of your first child. I don't care how horny you are, if it's your birthday or our anniversary, after 20 minutes LEAVE ME ALONE.
I'm glad I married a man who understands me and has almost the same needs/wants. I'm sure not many other guys out there would be as tolerable. Poor guy.


What My Parents Taught Me

  • Raising three kids with little income SUCKS. But it is doable.
  • Butter tubs can be washed and reused like a million times. So can dish towels.
  • You can put a whole week's leftovers in a big pot, add some noodles and call it goulash. They'll eat it or they'll starve.
  • With some juggling, you CAN keep four checks from bouncing before pay day.
  • Three kids, two dogs, four cats, two pigs, one goat and eight chickens are just plain fun.
  • You can fit a potbellied pig in the back of a 1993 Pontiac station wagon, though getting the smell out is kind of tricky.
  • Spray painting said station wagon gray looks tacky.
  • You can stretch laundry detergent twice as long if you dilute it.
  • Speaking of laundry, who needs fancy dryer sheets?
  • The "look" does exist.
  • Sometimes, you just don't want to know what your kids were up to while you were gone.
  • Deer are especially attracted to big green minivans.
  • If all else fails, drag them to the country.
  • Get one great dog for your kids to grow up with.
  • Keep giving away the cats.
  • Seventeen cats = millions of fleas. Better just move.
  • If what you did to get in trouble makes mom laugh, she probably won't punish you.
  • When you can't find your mom or that tub of ice cream, it's probably best to let her be lost for a while.
  • If your eyes wonder for half a second in Wal-Mart, it will take you 2 hours to find your mom again.
  • Lifelong friends are to be cherished... especially when they have really embarrassing stories to tell about you.
  • You only need a minimal amount of toilet paper for your small butt.
  • Swamp coolers ROCK.
  • Behave in church. Mom can pinch with her toes.
To be continued......
***Notes from Mom***
Its so funny hearing my memories retold by you guys! (Wait until it happens to you.) By the way...2 different station wagons. I got Percy home in a Tracer 4 door hatchback, like a mini-mini station wagon. The big, ugly gray thing was a big, ugly gray thing, the difference is people thinking that we put a little pot-bellied pig in a big station wagon when actually I put a 150 lb hog in the back of an economy hatchback.

Gotta give credit where credit is due.

Harvard, Here We Come!!

I had to look y'all.
The 27 cents I mentioned before came from.... get ready.....
Oh, please!!!!
Did they REALLY think she was going to benefit from 27 CENTS?!!
Let's see, if I put that into the money market account (assuming I could find a bank that would let me open one with just 27 cents) it will earn 0.012 cents interest per month. That would be roughly 14 cents per year (not including compounding interest because I don't have that much time on my hands). Further, in ten years it will skyrocket to $1.44 and by the time she graduates, the account will be worth a whopping $1.68. Can I get a whoop whoop!!!!
Stupid people. I should complain, but man I don't want to lose that 27 cents!!!

P.S. Can you guess which book I borrowed from the library?


Rolling In Dough

I logged into our bank account tonight and I saw that we got a credit of $0.27 put into our account. Woooo. I don't think I'll even write that in the checkbook register, or even look to see where it came from.

On another note, I had a conference with Lily's teacher today. She's still smart, I'm still puzzled. She scored a 737 on the STAR literacy test (up from a 676 last year) and behaves herself most of the time. Well, at least she is good for her teacher.

Caleb and I are still potty training. Sometimes when he's doing his poop dance I catch him and sit him on the toilet, where he cries until I let him get off or he poops. Most of the time I try to start a conversation with him to get his mind off of pooping and hopefully relax him. So I asked him about the Nature Center that Mimi took the kids too not long ago:
"Hey Caleb! Did you go to the NATURE CENTER?"
"You did? What did you see?"
"I sawed animals on the wall, they were kind of dead, and I sawed birds, and turtles..."
"Did you see any lizards?"
"Did you hold it?"
"No, Sissy did. And the other turtles was sleeping and..... MOM!!"
"We already talked about this!!"
"Well I want to hear about it again!"
"No. We already talked about this."
So I didn't get to hear about it again. Bummer.

Eeewww! I just realized that I forgot to put on deodorant this morning!!
This week was Aunt Flo's week. I usually go about four months of just a little here, a little there and then month five is catch up time. IN A MAJOR WAY. I cannot get enough space, quiet, pizza and water. My boobs hurt, my stomach hurts, I have gas and poop problems, and I'm bleeding too. I spent the last week sitting on the couch with my Domino's pizza, a gallon of water and a John Irving book. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?!! James has the BALLS to start kissing on me and stuff. Yeah right! What part of me growling "You no get 'um, go find kids, play all day" does he not get? The kids were even being good because they sensed all was not right in Uteropia.
I finally felt half way human on Sunday and we went bowling. James scored 157, Lily 84, Caleb 67, and me.... 52. Bowling is so not my sport.

I have gotten sick of being fat. I mean it this time y'all. I have actually done Pilates FOUR DAYS IN A ROW!! Next up, my Tae Bo. Yeah!! And I actually ate a carrot today! Woo hoo!!!