The Next Iron Chef....Me! NOT

I've kind of been in a "make your family healthier by providing more unprocessed foods" mood.
I said, KIND OF.
I've learned a little here and there, but one thing I've known for a while is that homemade chicken stock is THE BOMB and easy to make.
I remember making it a few years ago.
So, I gathered some boneless, skinless chicken breasts, rosemary, garlic and onion, plopped them all in a crock pot and let it simmer all day.
What did I get?
White wrinkly chicken fingers floating in a vat of garlic water.
So after a bit of research (props for Google!) I relearned that you need the bones of the chicken to make stock. Duh. Ok.
So today I bought a whole chicken, took it home, and cut the plastic off.
And remembered why I haven't made chicken stock in five years.
They stick a WHOLE CHICKEN in there, y'all. Like, EVERYTHING. Butt, wings, legs, tail nub, everything!! Oh, and on the package it says to "remove the giblets" before cooking. 
Ugh. The only place it could be is all up in the chicken's business, if you ladies know what I mean.
Barf. I did not plan on being a chicken gynecologist today.
So I opened it up and saw... something... poking out and pulled it and UGH IT WAS A NECK. 
Ack ack ack!!
I figured that wasn't all but in order to retrieve all the STUFF I needed to actually stick my hand in the cavity and FISH IT OUT. 
I needed more coffee.
So I finally closed my eyes and reached my hand in and IMMEDIATELY opened my eyes because your brain makes up some crazy shiz when it has to make it's own image of what you're sticking your hand into. It felt like cold, bony globular BARF that I could NEVER IN MY LIFE compare to anything else. EVER.
So I drug them all outta there and saw that one more was left. I tried upending the chicken and shaking it but that didn't work. UGH.
In again.
Ok. Made it through that.
Then I discovered that the whole chicken fit in the crock pot but didn't leave much room for water, celery, onion, etc. So I was gonna have to take off its limbs and stuff. UUUGGGHHH.
The only thing worse than cleaning out the chicken is having to grasp the slippery limbs and wrench them around in order to break the bones.
So I got that done, and now had a limbless chicken that STILL wouldn't fit in the crock pot.
So I cut the body in half (there's sharp ribs in there y'all and DID I JUST CUT MYSELF?! AHH! INTERNAL SALMONELLA!!!!) and plopped it in the pot with the neck and a wing. I covered it with water and put it on to simmer. Then I washed my hands with straight up bleach (mama don't play no games), soaked the sink, knife, faucet, counter and nearly anything else within a seven foot diameter. 
Then I had to decide what to do with the other half of the chicken.
I didn't have any gallon sized baggies (of course!). But I did have foil and saran wrap. So I wrapped the stupid chicken three times in foil and three times in plastic wrap (always a pleasure to work with) because I didn't want all my hard work freezer burned. UGH.
I contemplated disinfecting everything again, just to make sure. 
But I decided on more coffee and blog.
Aren't y'all proud of me??
I made chicken stock!!!!

Luckily the dog and cat were outside or I would have had to bathe them in bleach.