A Fright On Sunday Morning

This beautiful Sunday morning, I performed my usual routine. Get the kids up, feed them, dress them. Then I move on to grooming myself for the morning's festivities. I pick out a shirt to wear with my jeans, get some socks out, my shoes. I put on my jeans and realize I grabbed the "hoochie" jeans, i.e. the ones I wear around my husband (if you don't know, don't ask!). They are "very low waist" and "hip hugging," which is a relief cause if they weren't you'd be calling me Paris on the Red Carpet. So I took the jeans off and got the regular, "low waist" pair and put them on.

Then it hit me. Could I be getting, dare I say it?, OLD?!! Now that I prefer not to hang my arse end out of low cut jeans and feel the breeze runneth over my crack, does that mean I'm (gasp!) GROWING UP?!! I take a quick inventory. My shoes (all four pair) are either black or white. I haven't worn three of them in a month or so. The last ones are Sketchers (1 point for the teen era) that are almost worn into the ground, but they're my favorite cause they are the most comfortable. Oh, and I am the proud owner of four pairs of flip flops that are permanently flip flopped. You know, you take them off and they look like you froze them mid-step. Speaking of shoes, my feet are dry and cracked (eewww!) and unpainted (minus that point from above).

I have eight pairs of jeans. Two are the "low waist" (sexy and in tune with the times but still lady-like), my "hoochie" jeans, one torn pair of "hoochie" jeans (I know what you're thinking, and NO, I ripped then while pulling them on), two pair of old jeans (I recently upgraded) and two pairs of size 14 jeans (hey, one can hold out hope, huh?). I also own two belts, a black and a brown.

My closet contains around 15 shirts, 13 of which I don't wear cause James isn't around. But to my credit they are sit-at-the-hips type and current slogan emblazoned. My drawers contain 20 or so white shirts that I wear all day almost every day, and four pairs of "lounge pants." Oh my gosh! Does wearing a T-shirt and scuzzy pants all day cause they're comfy and I really don't care how I look make me even more OLD?!! AAHHHH!!

At least I still have my demi cut bras and thongs (who needs all that fabric between your skin and your pants? Doesn't all that bunch up and keep you hitching your giddy-yap all day?). But I do have more than two sports bras, to throw on when unexpected company arrives.....

All in all I decide to wear the normal jeans because it's church and I figure God knows what my arse looks like anyway and I don't need to show it off for His sake. And I figure, if I'm getting OLD at least it didn't attack me all at once and I still have a few more years to go. Hopefully.

My children and I walked to church today, and of course when we got into the parking lot Lily runs ahead of us. She gets onto the sidewalk and hikes up her dress and starts pulling on her pantyhose. I'm yelling at her to put her dress down (surely that wasn't EVERYONE from our congregation outside....) and she looks at me and says, "Mom, I have to pull up my panties, they are falling down!" I sprint to her and yank her dress down and we have a modesty talk, which I'm sure she disregarded pretty quickly. Then we ran into the building and dropped the kids off and I sat in the back pew with my face behind a bulletin.



So I'm lying in my bed last, trying to fall asleep and nearly there when Lily comes running in my room. She's saying "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it." She gets my bra off the dresser and proceeds to dust the computer screen with it. I decide to see how long she'll do it, after all, you're not supposed to wake a sleepwalker, right? So she continues for another two minutes or so, then she gets down and starts pacing my room saying "I'm.... I'm...." After a few laughs I gather her up and take her back to bed. I asked her about it this morning and she just looked at me like I was crazy ("Mimi you're CRAZY!!).
James talks in his sleep too, though he doesn't walk around (thank heavens!). In his sleep he's commanding troops. "Get all that stuff, Smith, and put it in the tank box. We gotta get this stuff done, people! Let's go!" Keep in mind he's pointing and waving his arms while yelling. Other times it's like he's back in Marine bootcamp. Once he was moving around the bed like he was crawling under that barb wire stuff, you know like you see in the movies? That was an interesting night. But I guess my favorite is when he wakes me up to tell me something stupid, like "You hear that? I gotta get them out of there. Remind me on Tuesday." I want to say "Roger out," but I don't cause he'll probably go into a whole speech. I just tell him "Okay dear," and leave it at that!


Oh Me Oh My

Well, the past two days have definately been interesting......
Yesterday Caleb woke up with his right ear the size of a lemon! We think he got bit by something, but who knows. I took pictures after I got done laughing so maybe I'll post them later. That night he and Lily were taking a bath, and when Taryn went to check on them she yelled "Come look at what your kids did!" Oh, I can't wait!
They had taken down some 15 towels and had them in the bathtub with them! And not those dinky Dollar General ones, I'm talking the thick $8-a-pop towels! So we had to wring all of them out and wash them, fun fun! And when I asked Lily about it, she said "Caleb did it, but I told him it was a good idea!"
I had another poop escapade today. Caleb did his thing, then took off his diaper and foot-painted all over the bedroom and play room carpet. Then after I got done cleaning him up, he ran away from me and slipped on the kitchen floor, busting his top lip. Poor kid! Out with the stain remover.
Sunday is Easter, I can't wait to see what unfolds next......
(Oh James, where art thou?)


Top Ten Reasons Why I Love My Husband

10) He buys a motorcycle for $500, sells it for $200.

9) He's happy with just two kids.

8) 50 punds overweight? Rail thin? Doesn't matter to him!

7) He risks looking like a fool and tells his commanding officer that he's changed his mind about that whole volunteering-to-go-to-Afghanistan-for-a-year thing.

6) He joins the National Guard and forgets to tell you.

5) He says "Here honey, take the checkbook."

4) He pretends to be asleep when the kids get up screaming in the middle of the night.

3) Waist deep in sh*tty sewer water or clean cut in a BDU, he still looks sexy!

2) He walks with me in Wal-Mart even if I'm wearing three day old sweatpants and a stained T-shirt, with flip flops and unbrushed hair. And holds my hand!

1) Hair. Everywhere.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly II

The Good:
You've washed the dishes, sorted the clothes, vaccuumed the house and fed the kids TWICE today! Woohoo!!

The Bad:
You're late picking up your sister from the bus stop.

The Ugly:
You go to get the kids in the car and find your son standing in a pile of his own sh*t, drawing in the fecal matter with his pacifier. On the white carpet.

What did I ever do in this life or a previous one to need this sort of revenge?!! Mom!!


Kids Say The Darnest Things

I recently went to the post office with my two kids to mail my loving husband a package. When I got back in the car, Lily said "I told Caleb you were dead."
"Why did you tell him that?" I asked.
"Cause you were taking soooo looong," was her reply.

Another time Lily got into trouble for something or another, and while I was chastising her she blurted out, "Now you're gonna eat my brains?"

Lily came up to me today and told me "Mom, I need you to wash the dishes, and fix the dinner, and clean my clothes, and give me candy, okay?" Yes, dear.