In The Lovin' Oven

First, some quotes from my beautiful children.
Caleb, in reference to a nativity scene: "Look Mimi, there's Jesus and his girlfriend!"
Lily, sitting outside as my sister and I drive up: "Hey friend, there's my mom and my babysitter."
Lily to Caleb after Taryn told them to quit being loud: "We'll do it after Taryn leaves."

I was surfing the 'net a couple of nights ago, and I came across a site promoting safe sex. Now I'm all for safe sex, in fact I think when girls turn 12 they should be on government ordered birth control until they turn 25. That woulda kept me out of a whole lot of trouble. But this site was soooo funny! I could not stop laughing! They recommend making and carrying a "safe sex kit," which contains:

12 Male condoms, in a variety of shapes, sizes, flavors and textures
12 Female condoms
1 Bottle of water based lubricant
10 pairs of latex gloves
5 dental dams, or if you can't find them,
1 Roll of saran wrap
1 tube of aloe vera gel.

Oh boy!
First of all, can you imagine carrying this stuff in your purse (or should I say suitcase) and trying to look sexy at a party or a bar?? I thought the current trend was to not have hardly anything on, i.e. Paris Hilton.
Second, they recommend that the gloves be put on before any hand-to-genital contact is made. Don't you know that feels sexy! But who knows, it may be your thing.....
Third, SARAN WRAP?? You've got to be kidding me!! They recommend this be used to "seal the genital area" before mouth-to-genital contact. Woo hoo, wrap my box in saran and let's go to town!!
Fourth, you know those saran wrap covers with elastic in them that you snap around a watermelon or whatever? Would those work? Or maybe a shower cap? It's the same thing right?
Fifth, aloe vera gel, suggested by this site in case all that latex and plastic wrap makes you "chap up or break out in a rash."
Sixth, can you imagine your one night stand going well after you whip out all this crap?
"Oh, I hope you don't mind, I brought along some protection for us to use. Yeah, that suitcase right there, could you hand it to me? Watch your back, lift with your legs, there you go. What should we use first? Oh, you want to touch me? Ok, well here's some gloves... you're allergic to latex? That's ok, I have rubber and lamb skin as well. Here's a dental dam for when you decide to kiss me. And, um, what "size" are you? I have ten different sized condoms, cause a girl never knows what to expect huh? I saved the best part for last! Here's the saran wrap for when... hey! Where are you going? I already paid for this room you arsehole!!"

Man, I wish I was single so that I could conduct an experiment. I could write a book on my findings and make millions!! I love the internet.

No comments: