Camping With The B's

Every Labor Day a friend of ours has a camp out on her ranch and we usually try to go, if no major calamities occur. Holy Cheez Whiz, what was I thinking?!
We got down to the campsite, which is by a river and in the middle of nowhere and set up camp. We'd gotten a four man tent and a queen size air mattress, and there wasn't much room for our stuff. Do you know how much crap you have to pack to go camping? Good grief! We had two big bags, a cooler, three bags of non-cooler food, pillows, the mattress and tent, chairs, and sheets just to name a few items. We hardly had room for the kids in the car. So we stuff everything into the tent and the kids immediately find the "dirt pit," which is a pile of dirt that leads down to the river. Red dirt, not regular dirt. But this is our vacation, right? I let them play.
Soon it was time for bed. It had been raining off and on all day so we had to put the rain tarp over the tent, then we all piled in (after we peed in the bushes, mind you).
Let me tell you just in case you were wondering.... two adults and two kids cannot sleep comfortably on a queen size air mattress. Well, one adult and two kids can, but I couldn't. I had to sleep by Lily, which is like sleeping with an octopus because she snuggles up to you and the more you try to get away from her the more arms and legs she sprouts to hang onto you with. Plus, it was hotter than Hades in that freaking tent, and I cannot sleep when I am sweating. So I tossed and turned until, oh, three a.m. Every time I got away from Lily I got uncomfortable and had to roll over, which meant she rolled down into the hole I created while sitting up to turn over. Then I have to try and push her back up "the hill" while rolling over the opposite way and.... it was a big mess. Plus every time I moved everyone else moved, and that made me feel nice and fat.
In case you didn't know, my kids get up at the butt crack of dawn, and James sleeps until noon if he doesn't have to work. So guess who got up with the kids? Yup. It was me. We're up and we all get dressed in the little bitty tent that only they can stand up in, and they go play in the dirt. James gets up about four hours later, and we have a pretty good day. It was only 95 degrees outside, the kids had three playmates and five Labs to harass plus a pool to swim in, and so far I hadn't had to poop.
And then......
That wench Aunt Flo shows up. Stupid ho. But, I had come prepared, and there was a nice couple down there in a $90,000 travel trailer who let us use their bathroom when we needed to. So now we didn't have to do our business in the woods anymore. Which was great because every time Lily had to pee she would meticulously pick a spot, circle around to make sure it wasn't infested with insects, squat, start peeing, see some ants and jump up screaming while still peeing and inevitably get pee on her shoes as well as mine.
Bedtime again. This time we put the kids to bed with a flashlight and go mingle with the adult folk, who have a karaoke machine, hurricanes and gardaritas or whatever they were called. Soon everyone is drunk except for me, even though I had four fairly good sized drinks, and singing karaoke. It was fun. Then I got bored and went to bed,while James stayed up to croon with the other alley cats.
About an hour later I get up to bring James to bed, because the last time he got drunk he fell in the bathroom and nearly knocked himself unconscious. After searching for a few minutes and not finding him, I start asking the others if they'd seen him. Have you ever tried to get pertinent information from a drunk?
"Hey guys, have y'all seen James?"
--blank looks--
"Um, he was here when I went to bed and now I can't find him."
"Was he drinking?"
"Umm, yeah."
"What was he drinking?"
WTF? "Bud Light."
"Hey, I think this is his beer!" --holds up a can--
"Do you know where he is?"
"No man, I just found it over there on the table and started drinking it."
"Umm, okay, but did you see where he went?"
"He probably had to pee 'cause we gotta pee sometimes."
"Really? That's fascinating."
"What, man?"
"Nothing, man."
So I grab the flashlight and guess where I find him? Sitting in a chair outside our tent. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was sleeping upright because he thought he would puke downright. Then he asked me for the bug spray. I went back to bed. I slept a lot better that night, I guess due to the drinks. The next morning we all get up and eat breakfast, and the kids go play. Soon, they are back, covered in mud. I look at James and ask him if he's ready to leave. He is.
I guess I'm just not the camping type. I don't like bugs that are bigger than my foot, sleeping in an overly crowded hot tent, peeing in a bush, and drinking unidentified drinks in 90 degree weather. It was a pretty good trip, overall, but call me hoity toity, I was ready to go home. Plus I was hormonal, and hormones without air conditioning is just asking for trouble.

No comments: