How To Wrap Christmas Presents

Square Present
  1. Pick the present that you would like to wrap and appropriate wrapping paper.
  2. Roll out four feet of paper, place present towards the bottom.
  3. Measure paper to make sure it will still cover the present after you have cut off the access.
  4. Measure twice, cut once.
  5. Screwed up anyway, decide to still use the now too short piece of paper.
  6. Bring two sides of paper together over gift, ignoring for now the gap between paper.
  7. Look for tape.
  8. Leave table to find tape.
  9. Find tape, return to table.
  10. Repeat step 6.
  11. Tape paper to present.
  12. Turn sideways and contemplate how to fold paper to cover the end and still look decent.
  13. Make creases at corners, fold down three times and hold with both hands while you get tape with teeth. Or feet.
  14. Wrangle tape onto paper.
  15. Rip off tape, repeat steps 13-14.
  16. Repeat on opposite side of present.
  17. Cut a strip of paper from the access to cover gap on present.
  18. Place with tape. Hint: If you make sure the design on the paper matches up with the strip, they'll never know!
  19. Chase down kids to bring bows back to the table. Affix accordingly.
  20. Forget what the present was, tear a small hole at the corner of present and try to decipher contents.
  21. Place additional bow over hole in paper.
  22. Affix name tag.
Cylindrical Present

  1. Follow steps one through four from above.
  2. On sides, cut out a square from the paper to make folding down easier.
  3. Realize you may have actually need what you just cut off.
  4. Roll ends to present and tape.
  5. Decide that looks like crap and undo tape.
  6. Origami your way to a decent looking fixture and cover mess with a bow, on both sides if need be.
  7. Alternative: Roll present up like a burrito and circle tape around present lengthwise.
  8. Affix name tape.
Round Present
  1. Follow step one from above.
  2. Tape one end of paper to the object.
  3. Roll object across table, taping as the paper naturally comes together. May require several pieces of tape.
  4. Affix bows as needed.
  5. Don't forget the name tape.
Triangular/Pentagonal/Rhombus Presents
  1. Crap, I don't know.
FINAL STEP: Sheepishly sneak presents under tree. Try not to be seen.

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