One Step Forward

For the past few months I have been trying to think of the most humorous way to kill myself.
Then it hit me as I was walking through Wal-Mart (doesn't it always?): a treadmill.
Oh, what we will spend on the pursuit of health.
$277.85 plus tax to be exact.
So we get it in the house and set it up and I can't even try it out because of my kids.
"But MOM, we learned about exercise today in school and you're SUPPOSED to DO IT!"
So I made the "sacrifice" and let them exercise first.
They loved it.
Now I have to mediate between the two not only who gets to watch their television show first, who gets on the computer first, and who gets to freaking fart first, but also who gets to run on the treadmill first.
But today I actually got on it.
Let me be the first to say that walking on a treadmill is NOTHING like walking on concrete.
But it's also not like walking on those conveyor belts at the airport either. (Whew. Those things are a DOOZY, especially when you're running on them. Even walking on them I have to keep my eyes on my feet and watch for the end of the belt, but even then it sneaks up on you and you're the only idiot tripping off the thing and trying to play it off as something you MEANT to do.)
So I turn it on and reduce the speed to 2 m.p.h. (don't want to overdo it) and start to walk.
Rather, I start to do something akin to walking but not quite.
I call it the Frankenstein stomp.
You know when you're drunk off yourself and to successfully walk to the bathroom you have to look at your feet and WILL them to move, only your legs are suddenly ten times heavier than they physically should be and you wind up jerking your foot up and stomping it back down, only going forward a few inches?
I did that for seven minutes and only burned 38 calories.
Stupid machine.
If I'm huffing and puffing and sweating and cursing I am pretty sure I've burned more than 38 calories.
I finally got to where I was more walking than cautiously stumbling and did so for fifteen minutes, or 0.5 miles.
I'm on my way.
Britney Spears, eat your heart out.
If I don't kill myself first.

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