NOTE TO DAD: DON'T READ ANY FURTHER.
TRUST ME!!
--------------------------------------------
We're mostly women, right?
I hope so.
So we all know the joys and sorrows of owning a vagina, right?
I hope so too.
And we all know that occasionally things get all mixed up and hell ensues, right?
I dearly hope so, because if not, you're readin' the WRONG BLOG.
Anyway.
So a few weeks ago all hell was ensuing and I logged onto Google and searched the connection between yogurt and balancing out the right bacterias in the, uh, lady's room.
I found out that many women had cured their lady rooms by inserting unflavored yogurt twice a day for like five days.
And I thought, I'm not babysitting this week, so what the heck.
But, these women did not report on how they achieved the inserting of the yogurt in the appropriate location.
(NOTE: Don't Google "insert yogurt in vagina" because you get all sorts of creepy stuff.)
So, I trotted down to the store and bought tampons and unflavored Greek yogurt, because it supposedly had a lot more "good" bacteria than Yoplait.
Then I went home.
After ruining eight tampon applicators I hadn't gotten anywhere. It just wouldn't stay in the applicator.
So I wait until my darling children are in bed and I approach James with a bowl of room temperature yogurt, a spoon and a smile.
"I need you to do something for me."
"Um...."
"I need you to take this yogurt and place it gently into my lady room."
"I... I don't know if...."
"Don't ask questions. I Googled it. It's totally legit."
"Okay."
He's such a good sport.
So I'm lying there and James is eyeballing the lady room and he says,
"How do I get it in there?"
"I dunno. I thought maybe you could think of something."
...........
"I'm drawing a blank."
"I guess just kinda spoon it in there, like feeding a baby or something."
..............
"Okay."
I'll spare you the gory details (ha ha ha) but after much laughing and some hand sanitizer, I was good to go.
So I lay on a towel in bed and we settled in.
Now, as any of you ladies know, liquid to semi-liquid substances eventually escape the lady room.
After about an hour, you can draw your own conclusions. Then I'm ready for bed so I roll over and James curls up behind me.
We have a nightly routine. We say our good nights, kiss, then roll over or cuddle for a minute.
Then we fart and go to sleep.
I dunno, it's like clockwork or something.
So, in my routine, I fart. Quite impressively, if I do say so myself.
And in the dark James says,
"Did you just..... FART YOGURT on me??"
"Yeah, it got on me too."
(Silence)
"So, are you turning on the light or am I?"
"I guess you'd better do it. I'm kinda... stunned."
So the next day we both agreed I would just bite the bullet and go to the clinic and get that nasty gel gunk to get this hellishness over with. So I did. And we lived happily ever after.
The end.
TRUST ME!!
--------------------------------------------
We're mostly women, right?
I hope so.
So we all know the joys and sorrows of owning a vagina, right?
I hope so too.
And we all know that occasionally things get all mixed up and hell ensues, right?
I dearly hope so, because if not, you're readin' the WRONG BLOG.
Anyway.
So a few weeks ago all hell was ensuing and I logged onto Google and searched the connection between yogurt and balancing out the right bacterias in the, uh, lady's room.
I found out that many women had cured their lady rooms by inserting unflavored yogurt twice a day for like five days.
And I thought, I'm not babysitting this week, so what the heck.
But, these women did not report on how they achieved the inserting of the yogurt in the appropriate location.
(NOTE: Don't Google "insert yogurt in vagina" because you get all sorts of creepy stuff.)
So, I trotted down to the store and bought tampons and unflavored Greek yogurt, because it supposedly had a lot more "good" bacteria than Yoplait.
Then I went home.
After ruining eight tampon applicators I hadn't gotten anywhere. It just wouldn't stay in the applicator.
So I wait until my darling children are in bed and I approach James with a bowl of room temperature yogurt, a spoon and a smile.
"I need you to do something for me."
"Um...."
"I need you to take this yogurt and place it gently into my lady room."
"I... I don't know if...."
"Don't ask questions. I Googled it. It's totally legit."
"Okay."
He's such a good sport.
So I'm lying there and James is eyeballing the lady room and he says,
"How do I get it in there?"
"I dunno. I thought maybe you could think of something."
...........
"I'm drawing a blank."
"I guess just kinda spoon it in there, like feeding a baby or something."
..............
"Okay."
I'll spare you the gory details (ha ha ha) but after much laughing and some hand sanitizer, I was good to go.
So I lay on a towel in bed and we settled in.
Now, as any of you ladies know, liquid to semi-liquid substances eventually escape the lady room.
After about an hour, you can draw your own conclusions. Then I'm ready for bed so I roll over and James curls up behind me.
We have a nightly routine. We say our good nights, kiss, then roll over or cuddle for a minute.
Then we fart and go to sleep.
I dunno, it's like clockwork or something.
So, in my routine, I fart. Quite impressively, if I do say so myself.
And in the dark James says,
"Did you just..... FART YOGURT on me??"
"Yeah, it got on me too."
(Silence)
"So, are you turning on the light or am I?"
"I guess you'd better do it. I'm kinda... stunned."
So the next day we both agreed I would just bite the bullet and go to the clinic and get that nasty gel gunk to get this hellishness over with. So I did. And we lived happily ever after.
The end.
No comments:
Post a Comment