The Tale Of The Sh*tting Cat

I can't think of anything else to post, so I will regale you with a fond memory.
Or not so fond.
This one is called, "The Tale of the Sh*tting Cat."
Once upon a time there was a pregnant teenager living in a two bedroom house with her father, brother, sister and cat.
The sister was of an evil sort, making the very pregnant teenager go outside in 300 degree Texas summer heat to water the swamp cooler. She never offered to do it and let the pregnant teenager rest. The brother was not evil but very sensitive stomached and avoided cleaning gross messes at every convenience.
The cat was actually a stray adopted by the pregnant teenager because her wacky hormones ached for something tangible to love since her baby was still inside her and her ex-boyfriend was, well, her ex.
As the story goes the cat unknowingly ingested a large quantity of milk, or rat poison, or powdered laxative, or something. Something that made this afternoon go awfully wrong.
The pregnant teenager was passing through the hallway when she heard a noise commonly heard when she'd been eating Mexican food. Looking about, she saw the cat in what seemed to be a bit of distress, with its face scrunched up and walking bow legged and sniffing for a place to relieve itself. Filled with compassion, the pregnant teenager decided to pick up the cat and carry it to the litter box, thus focusing its efforts to bowel containment.
Or not.
Upon elevation the cat... exploded.
As in the cats bowels emptied its contents in 0.2 seconds.
The fecal matter was sprayed in a mostly circular fashion upon the walls at about waist height, with a small amount on the floor. The pregnant teenager was not unscathed. Where the cat missed the wall in its circular motion it successfully made onto the pregnant teenager, who stood stunned for a full minute before coming to a rather simple conclusion: the cat going to become a stray again. The house was cleared of occupants as the odor of cat feces permeated the house. The friend that was over actually barfed onto the front lawn.
The pregnant teenager called for help in her distress but alas, help did not come. The evil sister laughed from the front porch and exclaimed, "You picked it up!" The brother was desperately trying to keep his kibbles in his stomach, so he was unable to help. This left the pregnant teenager to clean the mess, using no less than three jumbo rolls of paper towels and 1.5 bottles of 409 disinfectant. She then showered in Lysol and threw her soiled clothing in the trash.
Upon returning home from a hard day of work the father asked, "Why is everyone sitting on the porch?"
Thus concludes the tale of the sh*tting cat, who was never allowed into the house again.

No comments: