The Woes Of Summer

I have to ask all my readers this question, just to see who will say yes and redeem me. Have you ever sat down on the toilet to do your business and Olympic bob-sledded onto the floor because your butt was so sweaty?
True story. Now that I've slipped a disk in my back, I figured I'd go ahead with cracking my tailbone, and add a hyper-extended shoulder caused by kinda catching myself on the way down. I was cooking (frying?) homemade tortillas in my freakin hot kitchen when nature came a'calling. So I raced to the bathroom cause I had a tortilla cooking, pulled down my shorts and WHAM! Right on my arse. I'm thankful that I didn't hit my head on the sink on the way down, and that my body recognized I was no longer seated on the toilet and super-flexed my kegel muscles so I wouldn't pee all over the floor. I didn't realize I was sweating that profusely! Do they make toilet seats with carpet on them? Or velcro? Or maybe I'll just have to wipe before I sit down from now on. (Or maybe I'll have to (GASP!) revert back to full coverage underwear to soak up the access moisture. Aahhh!! NO!! Not the granny panties! You can't make me!) It's times like this I wish I were a man. I bet they don't have problems like this.
While we're on the subject of butt problems, I had a funny conversation with my mom last night. We were driving around and she mentioned that she and Chad use wipies as backdoor sqweegies. I was like, doesn't that feel GROSS your butt cheeks slipping past each other every time you take a step? Nasty!! And the sped up process of said butt cheek gliding has to cause you to take vastly larger steps, right? Do you walk faster to off-set the big steps? I bet you look funny. Doesn't it feel funny? What do you do, cram your underwear in there to wipe up some of the moisture? Isn't that the same as wiping with toilet paper? Ewww, I'd hate to be the one doing your laundry, but I guess since you both participate it's not as gross. I hope they quit before they get older and I have to do their laundry. I'd be calling Taryn!
One last thought..... I've given in and turned the thermostat down to 88. During the hours of 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. Sometimes till 5. But when 4 or 5 hits, you better believe I've got the electro-shock force field back on. Maybe it was the peeling the kids off the carpet to get them into bed that did it. Or maybe the cat hyperventilating at my feet. Or maybe, just maybe, because I found myself sweating so bad I broke the Guiness World Record for Fastest Exit Off A Toilet Seat Without The Use Of Hands Or Feet. We'll see how it goes.

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