Letter To My Cat

Dear Psycho Cat:
I love you. I think you're pretty neat. You keep me company when my husband is away and my kids are asleep. However, I have developed a list of things we need to work on in order to coexist peacefully.
1. I know sometimes you have bowel problems. I understand, I get them sometimes too. BUT, is it necessary to "let loose" at 3 a.m.? I swear it sounds like a balloon full of pudding explodes when you first enter your litter box. It's 3 a.m.!! I know cat time is a little different than human time, but if you can't time your explosive bowel movements (Not to mention the smell, good heavens! My nostrils retreat just remembering!) during the normal business hours (daylight), can you at least give me a fair warning? Give me a chance to vacate to the couch? This applies to when company is over too.
2. Speaking of bowel movements, why must you unload while I'm cleaning your litter box? It's like "Hold on there, get this one while you're at it hon." It's gross. I think you do it because you know I will let you finish so I won't leave the chore "undone." You know it will bother me the rest of the day if I leave it in there. So stop.
3. PLEASE don't attack my butt when I fart. The first time was funny. Now it's not. I don't barrage your butt cheeks with claws every time you pass wind.
4. Speaking of attacks. I move while I sleep. It's human nature. And I understand you're nocturnal most nights. But that doesn't mean you can chew on my toes, nose, fingers, etc. Resist the urge. That's why there's a scratching post, to take out your undue frustrations.
5. Milk will be given AFTER I finish my cereal. Not before. Not during. So keep your paws out of it!!
6. Your boyfriend peed on my bed. That means no more overnight stays, no matter how much verbal diarrhea I hear from you. Plus, he eats too much.
7. If I trip over you while I'm trying to put food into your dish, I will break my leg and not be able to feed you any more. So find a place and park it until I'm done.
8. I put water in your dish for a reason. Please drink out of it, and not the toilet. That's just nasty. And a bare human butt hovering over you means quit drinking out of said toilet and MOVE or you will be peed on. Don't play chicken with me. I will win.
9. If you want outside and then change your mind halfway through the door, you will be pushed outside and the door will be shut. I don't play the "Hold on, I'm thinking....." game.
10. Your litter box need not be confined to holding feces and urine. It is capable of holding puke too. So use it and not my house shoes. PLEASE.
11. The plastic on the window is to keep the cold air out. If you keep making holes in it, I will put you out in the cold air.
12. The poinsettia is almost dead, but I think I like it now. So please stop mauling it.

I hope my requests are not unreasonable, because I'd like to keep you around. If you do find them unbearable, though, I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't mind a new roommate.
Your Loving Owner

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