Wars of the Weight

This is what happens when you start a diet.
Warfare. Several types.
  • The War of Food is pretty self explanatory. You battle with cakes, cookies, sodas, chips, bread, butter, ice cream, cereals, you name it. Your only allies are carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, tomatoes, cucumbers, oranges, berries, apples, and grapes. Oh, and your allies are very fickle. "But I'm only a measly stalk of broccoli! I can't POSSIBLY satisfy you like a cupcake can! Don't ask me to do it, PLEASE, I have shoots and leaves at home!!"

  • The War of Exercise is equally explanatory. As soon as you make the decision to work out, your body suddenly moves slower than my sister getting ready to go to work. S-L-O-W. Suddenly your legs can't support your weight to get off the couch, and your hand has died gripping the remote. Your fingers can't tie your walking shoes and you suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Your body cries out, "PLEASE! Don't make me get on that treadmill! It's a DEATH SENTENCE! I have no chance! I have no backup! These fat cells are utterly USELESS!!"

  • The War of Self-Control is my biggie. It has several allies behind enemy lines that sneak up and attack, usually around midnight:
    I want a cookie!!
    Get me a cookie get me one right now, gimme gimme gimme!!
    Hello, I said NOW?!!!
    What do you mean, NO??
    I can have whatever I want!!

  • The War of Lies usually follows next:
    "One cookie won't hurt. Shoot, TWELVE cookies wouldn't move the scale!"
    "Come on, you KNOW you're gonna work out tomorrow."
    "Just one TEENSY little cookie...."

  • Then you have the War of Self-Denial:
    "I didn't eat that cookie. Nope. Wasn't me. Do you see crumbs anywhere? An empty package? I didn't think so. What about my teeth? They're ALWAYS Oreo cookie black. Don't believe me, I don't care. Whatever!!"

  • Last but not least, the infamous War of the Church Clothes:
    "Soldier!! Get me one set of attire suitable for public outings!"
    "Here ma'am, from Old Navy!"
    "Psh! I can't button this over my boobs! Get me another!"
    "Here's a better one!"
    "You know amazing thrift store finds never work!! Hop to it Private!!"
    "Here we go ma'am, perfect! Target never fails us!!"
    "It may never fail you but look at me! No, don't look at me!! Get me another outfit, and it better be right!!"
    "Okay, okay, here we go.... one from J.C. Penny!"
    "You are an utter disgrace. Do you see what we are up against? Look at them, look!! One more chance, Private!!"
    "This is the last one, ma'am. Old faithful, from Wal-Mart."
    "Now you're talking, soldier! Bring it here, and clean up this mess of REJECTS!!"

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