This beautiful Sunday morning, I performed my usual routine. Get the kids up, feed them, dress them. Then I move on to grooming myself for the morning's festivities. I pick out a shirt to wear with my jeans, get some socks out, my shoes. I put on my jeans and realize I grabbed the "hoochie" jeans, i.e. the ones I wear around my husband (if you don't know, don't ask!). They are "very low waist" and "hip hugging," which is a relief cause if they weren't you'd be calling me Paris on the Red Carpet. So I took the jeans off and got the regular, "low waist" pair and put them on.
Then it hit me. Could I be getting, dare I say it?, OLD?!! Now that I prefer not to hang my arse end out of low cut jeans and feel the breeze runneth over my crack, does that mean I'm (gasp!) GROWING UP?!! I take a quick inventory. My shoes (all four pair) are either black or white. I haven't worn three of them in a month or so. The last ones are Sketchers (1 point for the teen era) that are almost worn into the ground, but they're my favorite cause they are the most comfortable. Oh, and I am the proud owner of four pairs of flip flops that are permanently flip flopped. You know, you take them off and they look like you froze them mid-step. Speaking of shoes, my feet are dry and cracked (eewww!) and unpainted (minus that point from above).
I have eight pairs of jeans. Two are the "low waist" (sexy and in tune with the times but still lady-like), my "hoochie" jeans, one torn pair of "hoochie" jeans (I know what you're thinking, and NO, I ripped then while pulling them on), two pair of old jeans (I recently upgraded) and two pairs of size 14 jeans (hey, one can hold out hope, huh?). I also own two belts, a black and a brown.
My closet contains around 15 shirts, 13 of which I don't wear cause James isn't around. But to my credit they are sit-at-the-hips type and current slogan emblazoned. My drawers contain 20 or so white shirts that I wear all day almost every day, and four pairs of "lounge pants." Oh my gosh! Does wearing a T-shirt and scuzzy pants all day cause they're comfy and I really don't care how I look make me even more OLD?!! AAHHHH!!
At least I still have my demi cut bras and thongs (who needs all that fabric between your skin and your pants? Doesn't all that bunch up and keep you hitching your giddy-yap all day?). But I do have more than two sports bras, to throw on when unexpected company arrives.....
All in all I decide to wear the normal jeans because it's church and I figure God knows what my arse looks like anyway and I don't need to show it off for His sake. And I figure, if I'm getting OLD at least it didn't attack me all at once and I still have a few more years to go. Hopefully.
P.S.
My children and I walked to church today, and of course when we got into the parking lot Lily runs ahead of us. She gets onto the sidewalk and hikes up her dress and starts pulling on her pantyhose. I'm yelling at her to put her dress down (surely that wasn't EVERYONE from our congregation outside....) and she looks at me and says, "Mom, I have to pull up my panties, they are falling down!" I sprint to her and yank her dress down and we have a modesty talk, which I'm sure she disregarded pretty quickly. Then we ran into the building and dropped the kids off and I sat in the back pew with my face behind a bulletin.
4.30.2006
4.20.2006
Sleepwalking
So I'm lying in my bed last, trying to fall asleep and nearly there when Lily comes running in my room. She's saying "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it." She gets my bra off the dresser and proceeds to dust the computer screen with it. I decide to see how long she'll do it, after all, you're not supposed to wake a sleepwalker, right? So she continues for another two minutes or so, then she gets down and starts pacing my room saying "I'm.... I'm...." After a few laughs I gather her up and take her back to bed. I asked her about it this morning and she just looked at me like I was crazy ("Mimi you're CRAZY!!).
James talks in his sleep too, though he doesn't walk around (thank heavens!). In his sleep he's commanding troops. "Get all that stuff, Smith, and put it in the tank box. We gotta get this stuff done, people! Let's go!" Keep in mind he's pointing and waving his arms while yelling. Other times it's like he's back in Marine bootcamp. Once he was moving around the bed like he was crawling under that barb wire stuff, you know like you see in the movies? That was an interesting night. But I guess my favorite is when he wakes me up to tell me something stupid, like "You hear that? I gotta get them out of there. Remind me on Tuesday." I want to say "Roger out," but I don't cause he'll probably go into a whole speech. I just tell him "Okay dear," and leave it at that!
James talks in his sleep too, though he doesn't walk around (thank heavens!). In his sleep he's commanding troops. "Get all that stuff, Smith, and put it in the tank box. We gotta get this stuff done, people! Let's go!" Keep in mind he's pointing and waving his arms while yelling. Other times it's like he's back in Marine bootcamp. Once he was moving around the bed like he was crawling under that barb wire stuff, you know like you see in the movies? That was an interesting night. But I guess my favorite is when he wakes me up to tell me something stupid, like "You hear that? I gotta get them out of there. Remind me on Tuesday." I want to say "Roger out," but I don't cause he'll probably go into a whole speech. I just tell him "Okay dear," and leave it at that!
4.14.2006
Oh Me Oh My
Well, the past two days have definately been interesting......
Yesterday Caleb woke up with his right ear the size of a lemon! We think he got bit by something, but who knows. I took pictures after I got done laughing so maybe I'll post them later. That night he and Lily were taking a bath, and when Taryn went to check on them she yelled "Come look at what your kids did!" Oh, I can't wait!
They had taken down some 15 towels and had them in the bathtub with them! And not those dinky Dollar General ones, I'm talking the thick $8-a-pop towels! So we had to wring all of them out and wash them, fun fun! And when I asked Lily about it, she said "Caleb did it, but I told him it was a good idea!"
I had another poop escapade today. Caleb did his thing, then took off his diaper and foot-painted all over the bedroom and play room carpet. Then after I got done cleaning him up, he ran away from me and slipped on the kitchen floor, busting his top lip. Poor kid! Out with the stain remover.
Sunday is Easter, I can't wait to see what unfolds next......
(Oh James, where art thou?)
Yesterday Caleb woke up with his right ear the size of a lemon! We think he got bit by something, but who knows. I took pictures after I got done laughing so maybe I'll post them later. That night he and Lily were taking a bath, and when Taryn went to check on them she yelled "Come look at what your kids did!" Oh, I can't wait!
They had taken down some 15 towels and had them in the bathtub with them! And not those dinky Dollar General ones, I'm talking the thick $8-a-pop towels! So we had to wring all of them out and wash them, fun fun! And when I asked Lily about it, she said "Caleb did it, but I told him it was a good idea!"
I had another poop escapade today. Caleb did his thing, then took off his diaper and foot-painted all over the bedroom and play room carpet. Then after I got done cleaning him up, he ran away from me and slipped on the kitchen floor, busting his top lip. Poor kid! Out with the stain remover.
Sunday is Easter, I can't wait to see what unfolds next......
(Oh James, where art thou?)
4.10.2006
Top Ten Reasons Why I Love My Husband
10) He buys a motorcycle for $500, sells it for $200.
9) He's happy with just two kids.
8) 50 punds overweight? Rail thin? Doesn't matter to him!
7) He risks looking like a fool and tells his commanding officer that he's changed his mind about that whole volunteering-to-go-to-Afghanistan-for-a-year thing.
6) He joins the National Guard and forgets to tell you.
5) He says "Here honey, take the checkbook."
4) He pretends to be asleep when the kids get up screaming in the middle of the night.
3) Waist deep in sh*tty sewer water or clean cut in a BDU, he still looks sexy!
2) He walks with me in Wal-Mart even if I'm wearing three day old sweatpants and a stained T-shirt, with flip flops and unbrushed hair. And holds my hand!
1) Hair. Everywhere.
9) He's happy with just two kids.
8) 50 punds overweight? Rail thin? Doesn't matter to him!
7) He risks looking like a fool and tells his commanding officer that he's changed his mind about that whole volunteering-to-go-to-Afghanistan-for-a-year thing.
6) He joins the National Guard and forgets to tell you.
5) He says "Here honey, take the checkbook."
4) He pretends to be asleep when the kids get up screaming in the middle of the night.
3) Waist deep in sh*tty sewer water or clean cut in a BDU, he still looks sexy!
2) He walks with me in Wal-Mart even if I'm wearing three day old sweatpants and a stained T-shirt, with flip flops and unbrushed hair. And holds my hand!
1) Hair. Everywhere.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly II
The Good:
You've washed the dishes, sorted the clothes, vaccuumed the house and fed the kids TWICE today! Woohoo!!
The Bad:
You're late picking up your sister from the bus stop.
The Ugly:
You go to get the kids in the car and find your son standing in a pile of his own sh*t, drawing in the fecal matter with his pacifier. On the white carpet.
What did I ever do in this life or a previous one to need this sort of revenge?!! Mom!!
You've washed the dishes, sorted the clothes, vaccuumed the house and fed the kids TWICE today! Woohoo!!
The Bad:
You're late picking up your sister from the bus stop.
The Ugly:
You go to get the kids in the car and find your son standing in a pile of his own sh*t, drawing in the fecal matter with his pacifier. On the white carpet.
What did I ever do in this life or a previous one to need this sort of revenge?!! Mom!!
4.06.2006
Kids Say The Darnest Things
I recently went to the post office with my two kids to mail my loving husband a package. When I got back in the car, Lily said "I told Caleb you were dead."
"Why did you tell him that?" I asked.
"Cause you were taking soooo looong," was her reply.
Another time Lily got into trouble for something or another, and while I was chastising her she blurted out, "Now you're gonna eat my brains?"
Lily came up to me today and told me "Mom, I need you to wash the dishes, and fix the dinner, and clean my clothes, and give me candy, okay?" Yes, dear.
"Why did you tell him that?" I asked.
"Cause you were taking soooo looong," was her reply.
Another time Lily got into trouble for something or another, and while I was chastising her she blurted out, "Now you're gonna eat my brains?"
Lily came up to me today and told me "Mom, I need you to wash the dishes, and fix the dinner, and clean my clothes, and give me candy, okay?" Yes, dear.
3.27.2006
You Know You're A Mom When....
10) You notice you haven't showered in three days... and it doesn't bother you.
9) It takes you a week to clean the whole place. You live in an apartment.
8) You never get to spend time with company that comes over because you are busy doing the chores you normally are unable to do with the children around (washing clothes, doing dishes, scrubbing toilet).
7) When someone complains about their stomach problems, you say "Huh! You wanna talk about explosive bowels, lemme tell you about the time my son...."
6) You don't sing lullabies. You hum Dora the Explorer or Blue's Clues.
5) When your daughter asks if she can burn the house down, you look around and tell her you'll think about it.
4) Hold, feed and sing to a baby while going potty? Got it down pat.
3) You find 7 socks and 1 pair of underwear in your kid's hamper that have molded.
2) Sometimes your toddler goes to bed with a dirty face.
1) You find yourself sitting in a disaster of marshmallow cereal, sobbing and wishing that you had left that drunk guy on the floor alone so that maybe the monsters that call you mom would still be remnants of your ovaries.
9) It takes you a week to clean the whole place. You live in an apartment.
8) You never get to spend time with company that comes over because you are busy doing the chores you normally are unable to do with the children around (washing clothes, doing dishes, scrubbing toilet).
7) When someone complains about their stomach problems, you say "Huh! You wanna talk about explosive bowels, lemme tell you about the time my son...."
6) You don't sing lullabies. You hum Dora the Explorer or Blue's Clues.
5) When your daughter asks if she can burn the house down, you look around and tell her you'll think about it.
4) Hold, feed and sing to a baby while going potty? Got it down pat.
3) You find 7 socks and 1 pair of underwear in your kid's hamper that have molded.
2) Sometimes your toddler goes to bed with a dirty face.
1) You find yourself sitting in a disaster of marshmallow cereal, sobbing and wishing that you had left that drunk guy on the floor alone so that maybe the monsters that call you mom would still be remnants of your ovaries.
3.19.2006
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
The Good:
The kids let me sleep in a little today, although Caleb did crawl in bed with me, and sleeping with him is like sleeping with a big sweaty gorilla.
The Bad:
When I woke up, Caleb was still in bed with me, but the other monster was suspiciously quiet. Walking into the kitchen, I see the refridgerator door is open.....
The Ugly:
Lily has made another meal for us all, which consists of two containers of strawberry yogurt, half a gallon of milk (yes, half a gallon of $3 milk!!), and approximately six eggs (hard to count the eggs, because all the shells were crushed and ground into her mattress).
The Fugly:
Besides the eggshell coating that her bedspread, sheets and mattress now sport, there is milk-yogurt goop all over Caleb's crib and his dresser that holds his sleepwear (ja-mas). The goop has been smeared all over the dresser, and has seeped into the drawers to coat his clothes. Goop on the wall, on the crib, on the crib bedding, and all. over. the. carpet.
What Mom Did:
I turned around and left the scene of the crime, letting Caleb finish the yogurt in the cartons with his hands. Then I sat at the table and had a cup of coffee. (Yes, Mom, the mess did get cleaned up!)
The kids let me sleep in a little today, although Caleb did crawl in bed with me, and sleeping with him is like sleeping with a big sweaty gorilla.
The Bad:
When I woke up, Caleb was still in bed with me, but the other monster was suspiciously quiet. Walking into the kitchen, I see the refridgerator door is open.....
The Ugly:
Lily has made another meal for us all, which consists of two containers of strawberry yogurt, half a gallon of milk (yes, half a gallon of $3 milk!!), and approximately six eggs (hard to count the eggs, because all the shells were crushed and ground into her mattress).
The Fugly:
Besides the eggshell coating that her bedspread, sheets and mattress now sport, there is milk-yogurt goop all over Caleb's crib and his dresser that holds his sleepwear (ja-mas). The goop has been smeared all over the dresser, and has seeped into the drawers to coat his clothes. Goop on the wall, on the crib, on the crib bedding, and all. over. the. carpet.
What Mom Did:
I turned around and left the scene of the crime, letting Caleb finish the yogurt in the cartons with his hands. Then I sat at the table and had a cup of coffee. (Yes, Mom, the mess did get cleaned up!)
3.14.2006
Worshipping Carpet Stain Remover
Ah, the joys of raising children!
First, let's talk about yesterday's mishap. Again my this-is-not-a-good-idea instinct was vacationing and I gave Caleb a bowl of bran flakes. Ever heard of projectile vomiting? Imagine that at the other end!
Every time Caleb pooped, he took off his diaper, and the none-too-firm "presents" he dragged all over the house. Like the time he ran the Barbie car through his fecal matter and trekked it around the coffee table and into the dining room. And as the day wore on, I continued to find "presents" I'd missed! My house will stink for the next week! Moral of the story: whatever loosens your bowels will thoroughly grease up and flush a two year old's.
This morning I woke up and discovered Lily had made a chocolate syrup/egg/skim milk soup on her bedroom floor. And Caleb had decided to decorate the bedspread, carpet, changing table and walls with the concoction. Will this ever end? It's why I had to get rid of the dog! Do they sell children cages with spot resistant surfacing? Is that legal?
Ah. I hear my children rummaging in the bathroom. Probably unwrapping all of my tampons and stuffing them into the toilet again.
Until next time, Talia
First, let's talk about yesterday's mishap. Again my this-is-not-a-good-idea instinct was vacationing and I gave Caleb a bowl of bran flakes. Ever heard of projectile vomiting? Imagine that at the other end!
Every time Caleb pooped, he took off his diaper, and the none-too-firm "presents" he dragged all over the house. Like the time he ran the Barbie car through his fecal matter and trekked it around the coffee table and into the dining room. And as the day wore on, I continued to find "presents" I'd missed! My house will stink for the next week! Moral of the story: whatever loosens your bowels will thoroughly grease up and flush a two year old's.
This morning I woke up and discovered Lily had made a chocolate syrup/egg/skim milk soup on her bedroom floor. And Caleb had decided to decorate the bedspread, carpet, changing table and walls with the concoction. Will this ever end? It's why I had to get rid of the dog! Do they sell children cages with spot resistant surfacing? Is that legal?
Ah. I hear my children rummaging in the bathroom. Probably unwrapping all of my tampons and stuffing them into the toilet again.
Until next time, Talia
3.12.2006
Adventures with Mimi
I have two children. My daughter, Lily, is four and my son, Caleb, is two. They call my mother "Mimi." Almost every Sunday, she braves the forces of toddler nature and takes them both (!!) to church. This is the stroy of church about three weeks ago.
Caleb was in the nursery, and Mimi and Lily had just settled down in the sanctuary for a nice sermon. They sang, the preacher called all the children to the pulpit for a mini-lesson, he began his adult lesson. About ten minutes into it, which is a record unto itself, Lily becomes bored and sits by Mimi's feet. A few minutes later, Mimi discovers Lily has crawled under the next two pews, gets up, retrieves Lily, and a scolding ensues. Lily pouts.
A little while later she repeats her pew crawling expedition, only she doesn't get as far. She is dragged back to her seat, and everyone in a three foot radius knows she doesn't agree with this arrangement. Another scolding, and Lily sits.
Two minutes later, her attention span timer dings and she is up again, this time walking up the isle to the pulpit. Mimi follows, catches her and leads her back to their seats. Keeping in mind that the sanctuary is deathly silent and the preacher is speaking, the following conversation ensues:
"Mimi, I just want to walk around."
"No, you need to sit with me like a big girl."
"But I will be quiet, I just want to walk around."
" I said no, now be quiet and sit down."
"I SAID, I just want to walk around, I will be a good girl." (stands on pew)
"And I said no, be quiet!"
"Mimi. Just let me walk. I will be good."
"No. Now hush!"
"You will make me CRY!"
"Shut up!" (said in a moment of exasperation)
"OMM! YOU SAID SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT S'POSED TO SAY SHUT UP! YOU WILL GET A SPANKING!"
Lily repeats this line as she is dragged out of the sactuary and to the hall, where she gets out of Mimi's grasp and runs. She gets under a table, and in her haste to get away, knocks it and the fake plant over. Reaching behind it for Lily, Mimi knocks a picture on the wall askew. Lily then rushes under a chair, knocking it aside when Mimi catches her hand. They walk outside, with Mimi lecturing, and Lily escapes again. She runs into the middle of the parking lot, turns around and screams
"MIMI, YOU'RE CRAZY!!!"
Now Mimi notices the people standing in their front yard across the street, quietly watching a four year old dressed in wrinkled church clothes yelling at her grandmother, who is equally wrinkled, hair flattened on one side, trying to balance her bible and purse, out of breath trying to catch the three foot Houdini, with visible smoke coming out of her ears and now beet red with embarrassment.
That explains why I am now obligated to attend church with my mother when she takes Lily.
Caleb was in the nursery, and Mimi and Lily had just settled down in the sanctuary for a nice sermon. They sang, the preacher called all the children to the pulpit for a mini-lesson, he began his adult lesson. About ten minutes into it, which is a record unto itself, Lily becomes bored and sits by Mimi's feet. A few minutes later, Mimi discovers Lily has crawled under the next two pews, gets up, retrieves Lily, and a scolding ensues. Lily pouts.
A little while later she repeats her pew crawling expedition, only she doesn't get as far. She is dragged back to her seat, and everyone in a three foot radius knows she doesn't agree with this arrangement. Another scolding, and Lily sits.
Two minutes later, her attention span timer dings and she is up again, this time walking up the isle to the pulpit. Mimi follows, catches her and leads her back to their seats. Keeping in mind that the sanctuary is deathly silent and the preacher is speaking, the following conversation ensues:
"Mimi, I just want to walk around."
"No, you need to sit with me like a big girl."
"But I will be quiet, I just want to walk around."
" I said no, now be quiet and sit down."
"I SAID, I just want to walk around, I will be a good girl." (stands on pew)
"And I said no, be quiet!"
"Mimi. Just let me walk. I will be good."
"No. Now hush!"
"You will make me CRY!"
"Shut up!" (said in a moment of exasperation)
"OMM! YOU SAID SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT S'POSED TO SAY SHUT UP! YOU WILL GET A SPANKING!"
Lily repeats this line as she is dragged out of the sactuary and to the hall, where she gets out of Mimi's grasp and runs. She gets under a table, and in her haste to get away, knocks it and the fake plant over. Reaching behind it for Lily, Mimi knocks a picture on the wall askew. Lily then rushes under a chair, knocking it aside when Mimi catches her hand. They walk outside, with Mimi lecturing, and Lily escapes again. She runs into the middle of the parking lot, turns around and screams
"MIMI, YOU'RE CRAZY!!!"
Now Mimi notices the people standing in their front yard across the street, quietly watching a four year old dressed in wrinkled church clothes yelling at her grandmother, who is equally wrinkled, hair flattened on one side, trying to balance her bible and purse, out of breath trying to catch the three foot Houdini, with visible smoke coming out of her ears and now beet red with embarrassment.
That explains why I am now obligated to attend church with my mother when she takes Lily.
Why I will NEVER again buy a refurbished ink cartridge...
I was printing one day and discovered my black ink was running a little low on my Dell J740. Hmm, I thought. Dell inks cost $45 a pop (at best) and being the penny- pincher I am (ha ha ha), I decided to hop online and find a refurbished ink. I found one, for $27. Wow, what a deal!
My mom used to tell me, If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. Why this slipped my mind is beyond me.
So I ordered it. And waited two weeks for it to get here. And put it in the printer, despite that it looked like the top had been sawn off and super glued back on. The first two pages were ok, then they started streaking (ha ha what a phrase!). I emailed customer support at the site I bought it from, and here is what they wrote back:
We are sorry for this inconvenience. Please follow these steps to resolve the problem:
1. Place the cartridge in a bowl of warm water. Let soak overnight.
2. Remove ink and set upright on a paper towel for three hours.
3. Place ink in printer. Run the printer's ink head cleaner (this can be found in your printer's manual).
4. Print a small word document.
5. If you still have "streaking" on your printout, remove ink. Clean head with alcohol. Replace. Run cleaning program again.
6. Print a small word document.
7. If there is still a problem, run the cleaning program again.
8. Print a small word document.
9. If there is still a problem, run the cleaning program again.
10. Print a small word document.
This should solve your problem. Sincerely, Tom
No, I didn't lose my place when typing this. The e-mail actually instructed me to clean the ink head three times. After repeated attempts, I still had crappy printouts.
So I e-mailed them again, requesting a refund.
Their reply:
We are sorry for having received a defective product. We have sent out a postage paid return label. Please send the cartridge to us. Once we receive the item, your refund should post to your PayPal account in approximately 30 days.
WHAT? 30 days? And why do they want the ink back? So they can sell it to another poor soul? Once again, I sent an e-mail. I told them that 30 days was not acceptable and I either wanted an instant refund or a replacement. They agreed to the replacement.
Waited another week. Received the ink, tried to print. Still streaky! On a hunch, I ran the head cleaning program (which can be found in your printer's manual. If you can find it!). Now it works. I'm just sighing in relief when my computer notifies me that my color cartridge is empty. GGRRR....
Went to Ebay. Found one for $6 (where are you, Mom?). Bought it. Got here in record time. Tried to print a picture. Apparently, cartridge only has magenta ink in it. Ripped ink from printer, threw against the wall, remembered we live in a rent house, scrambled to fetch ink before it leaked onto the WHITE carpet. It now sits on my computer desk, where I glare at it as I type.
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