Adventures With Mimi 4 --- The Beginning

Looking through my old emails, I came across one from Mom.
It was her response to the carnival blog.
Ah the Runaway Mine Train, where it all began. You know that moment in your life when you realize your mom has a quirky/evil side to her? This is the story of my moment.
Mom had volunteered to be a chaperon on my seventh grade choir trip to Six Flags. We had a pretty good time, our choir sung for some competition that we didn't even place in because we were all focused on the Six Flags trip. When we got there we did the usual hum-bug things that people who ABSOLUTELY HATE ROLLER COASTERS AND ANY OTHER RIDE COMBINING HEIGHT AND SPEED do, because I am one of those people. Apparently mom is not.
Oh so cunning was her approach....
"Let's go on this one, I used to ride it all the time when I was your age, it's fun, come on!"
After I thoroughly grilled her and was satisfied that this ride was going to be slow and all sissy-fied, I climbed into the car beside her.
The ride starts off by slowly going through this house set up with dolls or something in each room. I can't really recall, I think my brain has blocked those memories out.
Anyway we're going nice and slow and I'm almost convinced this is going to be fun, when I notice we're heading into a wall.
"Mom? There's a wall up there."
"Uh huh."
"Are we going to hit it, I mean because we're kind of speeding up..."
"No, we won't hit it." Hee hee hee!
"It sure looks like it, I mean... what are you laughing about? Mom? Mom!"
"Hee hee hee hee!!!"
"Seriously Mom we're about to crash into a wall and you're AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!"
That's how the rest of the ride went, me swearing that I'll never do anything she suggests ever again and screaming my head off while she laughs like a drunken hyena.
She loved it. I however am scarred for life. James, you can blame her for my inability to pass a roller coaster without hyperventilating and yelling "You're sick! A sick, twisted mother!"

***Notes from Mom***
You make it sound so bad......

Fart Fun

Yesterday I scared James for the first time in our four years together. I was sitting on the bathroom sink flossing. I sit there so I can be close to the mirror to make sure I get everything from between my teeth. And here comes James, two fingers ready to annihilate any subtly clogged pore I may have on my back. I usually don't mind being picked on but when I'm trying to concentrate on something and I'm constantly being interrupted by pinching pain, I tend to get nasty. Really nasty. So there he was, concentrating on a stubborn blackhead, when I saw my opportunity......
BBRRRAAAAPPPPP!!!!!
You know how farts echo off a smooth surface. James jumped back with this priceless look on his face like someone had fired a gun at close range and he was going through all of his mental military files to determine a proper response. Then he hastily retreated to the bedroom while I laughed myself onto the floor. The really mean thing about it was I was watching in the mirror to see his reaction! Isn't that sick? Later he commented that he was surprised he got away with both his shoes intact. I think I laughed until midnight.

Isn't That Stupid?!!

• You can view your Sprint bill online, but to get any explanations you have to call them and wait on hold for 20 minutes because their dumb "Explain My Bill" section only has pictures of bills and tags like "This is how many travel minutes you used" instead of "Click here for a definition of travel minutes and how you can avoid them."
• There are forty thousand people at Wal-Mart and only three cashiers, two of whom are of the express lane type.
• Cingular haunts you for four years to pay a $300 bill, then makes a settlement in a lawsuit and sends you a refund check for the $300 that you didn't pay in the first place.
• 75% of America is overweight, yet it costs about $400 a year to use a gym and $80 per paycheck to buy wholesome foods, not to mention what you can spend on diet pills.
  
• There is a $100,000 shower for sale, while children everywhere are starving.
• You forget your debit PIN number, and still can't remember it 24 hours later.
• If you lose your purse moving to Illinois please be aware that to obtain an Illinois driver's licence, you need the Texas licence and social security card that was in said purse. To get a new social security card you need to present two forms of picture ID, as in your Texas driver's lisence and your military ID, which are in the lost purse. There are no exceptions to this rule.
  
• If you work all summer planting a beautiful flower garden, the landscapers will mow it all down and your husband will comment that they probably did it because the flowers looked like weeds, and then doesn't understand why you are upset.
  
• Your kids can yell at you in a store but if you yell back you get ugly looks.
• Life jackets come with this warning: "Do not carry heavy objects while wearing this life jacket. Heavy objects impede floatation." That's good to know.
  
• You gain ten pounds in the week before your period.
  

That Holy Feeling 4

Every time our little family tries to take a trip anywhere, Lily gets sick. Seriously, she'll develop a runny nose going to Walmart. So of course, when we arrive in San Antonio for our Sea World trip, she starts running a 102-103 temperature and complaining that her throat hurt.
I let it go with Advil for two days, then we took her into the ER because that's the only way Humana would cover an out of area visit. Blah blah blah.
The wait wasn't too long because we were there on a Wednesday afternoon and they had a really cool kids waiting area. Lily and I get to the back, what I often refer to as the Labyrinth of Medical Mystery because you're always hearing strange noises and people screaming. The doctor on call is Dr. Abubu or something, and he says, quote "I don't think she have big problem. Just a virus, no worries. Give Advil and water, lots of sleep. Have good day!" Okay.
We go home and finish up the day and I lay down to say my prayers. I pray really hard for Lily to get better mainly because she felt horrible and was running a high temperature, but also because we want to go to Sea World, darn it!! He is the Healer, so I knew I could count on Him.
He didn't disappoint.
Lily woke up the next morning without a fever, sore throat, or soreness!!! What's more, she stayed that way for the rest of the trip!!
Praise the Lord!!!

Getting Naked At Sea World.... And Other Things

Oh, where do I start?
We have been planning a trip to Sea World since last year, which means the kids have been talking about it for eleven months straight. Everyone was hyped up and excited, even me as I packed everything but the toilet seat and plunger. James works during the week in San Antonio, and he was going to be the only worker there this week, so we all went and stayed at the employee apartment. For a whole week. While James worked during the day. Just me, the kids and Lenny. Anyway, staying in a strange apartment with the kids all day wasn't the worst part. Lily got sick, right on cue (the past three trips we've made she's been sick on! I'm sure Humana loves us.). She had a 102-103 fever, so we took her to the ER. The doctor, who spoke broken English, said "I don't think she have big problem. Just a virus, no worries. Give Advil and water, lots of sleep. Have good day!" For the rest of this story, see the next blog.
So, after swimming for three days straight and trying to keep the apartment's CREAM COLORED CARPET stain free, it was Sea World time!!
We got there about 9:30 and went straight to the Dolphin Cove to feed some porpoises. Well, the feeding booth didn't open up for another hour, plus the cost of a basket of fish was $5! For three fish! Dead fish!! The wailing begins. Ok, so we'll go see the sharks. Nope. They don't open until 11. If you're going to advertise that your park opens at 10 why are all the exhibits closed until 11?!! Caleb starts crying harder because now he's been disappointed twice in one hour, and that makes James irritated. He threatens to leave the park and take us home, which kinda didn't work. Cue for me to be the sweet, consoling mother and the glaring eyed wife.
SO we were forced to see the smelly Clydesdale's, which I guess was cool because I kinda like horses. When they're safely behind bars and I am safely behind a rope. Which isn't much for a six foot, one ton animal to barrage through but hey, it's all good.
After that we meander over to the water park, which is why I wanted to come. I HATE hot weather, especially when I am walking four miles hunched over a stroller pushing a 45 pound little girl who COULD walk on her own but NO.... I digress.
On the way we pass Shamu's roller coaster thing, and Caleb wants to ride it, so we stop. The boys wait in line forever because it's a Saturday and about 700,000 people have shown up for this one ride. When Caleb and James finally get up there, the operator tells him he can't take the camera on the ride. So James storms off the platform and we go to the water park. We get there and rent a locker, James swearing that next year we aren't going to bring so much crap. Caleb is still crying, which is exacerbated by me trying to put sunscreen on him. James gets more mad, I give more looks. Lily and I head to the wave pool, while Caleb and James go BACK to the ride so that Caleb will be quiet.
Ah, the wave pool. Such fun for a blond.
It was okay until the buzzer went off and the waves started and I discovered we were smack on the break line, which is the area of the pool where the waves break and well, you're going to get knocked on your a$. Lily thought it was great fun to watch me try to keep my balance, keep her from floating away, keep my flailing arms from hitting other people, and keep my gut sucked in because James wanted me to wear the tankini today. All while laughing to keep the lifeguard from jumping in and REALLY embarrassing myself, and trying to keep water out of my nose because I absolutely hate that.
And then.... Lily gets swept up as I go crashing down, she grabs for me and POP goes the boob out of my top. Now there's a dilemma: cover the boob or rescue the child. The child has a life jacket on, my boob has stretch marks. I sit down quickly and get smothered by another wave but while under that wave I get my ninny back into place. Coming up for air, I am bashed in the face by my child who is floating with the next wave in my direction. Under I go again.
Not caring if I look fat anymore or not, I grab Lily and walk (stumble? float? fall?) out of the pool. We then went to the kiddie pool, which is much more blond-friendly.
James and the crying Caleb come back, one wet from tears and the other wet with exhaustion/frustration. While conversing with my pissed husband I discover Caleb didn't eat much breakfast. Duh, the kid is hungry.
We find a wallet-sucking eatery and get our food, only to find that all the tables have been taken by people's CRAP. You know, towels, bags, shoes, floats, etc all arranged to mark that space as taken. I just plopped down next to this nice looking, non-English speaking Mexican lady and start feeding my wailing child. When lunch was over, we went and stood in line to ride the mini slide that lands you in the kiddie pool. Now I know you're expecting some catastrophe, but I actually made it down in one piece, without taking out any kids with my landing.
When we get done we go to the lazy river which is almost as fun as the wave pool but in much shallower, albeit faster moving water. So now the wailer is quiet and we're all being lazy, losing each other for a few minutes but finding each other before too long. Often Lily and I get rammed into the wall by people floating in tubes, and did you know that there are panty-pulling super jets along those walls? Yup, I found one. As soon as I realized that my derriere was exposed, a la my sister's graduation ceremony, I over react and let go of Lily who is keeping me afloat via her life jacket, which means I get sucked under the tube rider in front of me and start drowning. I come up for air, pull up my bottoms and get swept off my feet. When I come up again I'm under those stinking water fountain things and I think I'm still drowning because they're hitting me right in the face, so I'm still kind of flailing my arms. When I get my bearings straight, James catches up to me and has the gall to ask "Where's Lily?" Never mind your chlorine inhaling wife, get the safely jacketed and probably okay child.

Out of the river, we decide to see the dolphins and stuff. Only when we get there, we have two problems: Caleb is asleep and there are 5,000 people in line and around the pool. Ugh. I'm starting to wish we had come during the week. There are so many people we decide we probably can't ride any rides or see any shows. We go see the sharks instead, then visit the gift shop, which we had to leave fairly quickly because both kids started crying wanting some college fund emptying stuffed toy. Afterwards we head back to the water park, only to find that we have to wait in line because the park has "reached capacity." I'll tell you about reaching capacity. James has none, so now he's super pissed.
Eventually we get back into the park and James makes some comment about leaving, so I grab the kids and scream "Fine!! You leave! We're having a GREAT time!!"

Back to the wave pool, which is closed because some kid pooped all in the pool. We settle for the kiddie pool again, and while in there the wave pool opens back up. But we're liking the little pool so we stay and eventually decide we're hungry and tired. We get out, gather the CRAP we're NOT taking next year, sell our locker to an older guy (all the lockers had been rented, so people we're trying to buy them from people who were smart enough to get there early) and make the treacherous walk to the car in a mammoth parking lot.
We eat at McDonald's, go home and pass out.

AND, TO TOP IT ALL OFF......
I got a sunburn that most assuredly will morph my moles into melanoma.

THE ICING ON THE CAKE......
I get back and one side of my flower garden has been MOWED OVER by those incompetent landscapers!! How many brain cells do you have to have to distinguish a flowering plant from a weed?!!

Adventures With Mimi 3

Have I mentioned how, um, unique my mom is? Seriously, keep an eye on your parents as they age, it's really quite entertaining! Some of you may remember my first blog about Mimi. Others may like my second blog about her.
So, to commemorate my 100th blog, here is another Mimi story.

I am an Ebayer. I've sold some stuff on there with relative success. Nothing big, or I wouldn't be here now would I? I would be relaxing in my hot tub naked with a martini. But I digress. Mom works half part-time at the local library. How she's kept from messing that up I'll never know. Today at work mom encountered a lady who wanted to check out a book about finding the value of antiques, and mom mentioned that I sell things on Ebay, and for a small percentage of the profit maybe I could sell them for her. The lady was very interested! But mom forgot to get her name and number! Lap of luxury here I come!
Luckily, God laughed and sent another lady with some old stamps that she wanted to sell, and mom proposed the my-daughter-could-sell-that-for-you pitch. She was very interested! Mom almost lost that lead too! Apparently the lady gave mom her name and number, which mom wrote down on a piece of paper and handed to the lady. The lady put it in her purse! But apparently Mom got the info back because she emailed it to me tonight. Good grief. I told her not to hang out with that lady because I can just see the calamity that would ensue. But at least Mom's not alone in her uniqueness.

***Notes From Mom***

Hate to tell you but its getting worse...last night I turned the AC off for a while and opened the front door. Later I got hot so I shut the front door and turned the AC back on, in the dark while talking on the phone. But I kept getting hotter and hotter. I got off the phone, turned on the light and I had turned on the heater.

I told the story to Taryn, and added that she's going to have to start staying at home with me. To which she replied, "No. Talia gets you."
Let the fun begin.....

Carnival (No, Not The Cruise)

We went to a carnival nearby today. It was fun, I guess. The tickets cost $1 each, what a rip. The kids rode the racing turtles, the flying elephants, and we all went through the "History of Horror" house thing, you know where you ride through it in a rinky dink little cart? Caleb jumped at every thing that popped out, and Lily just hugged up to me. James loved it, of course.
Me?
Ok. Before you laugh, I get scared easily. Reading Stephen King creeps me out. I can't look into a mirror in the dark. My eyes look funny or something.
So during this ride, I had my eyes closed. Yes, at 23 I had my eyes closed during the corny carny ride!!
Ok, laugh it up. Get it out of your system. Tell me when your done.
Finished? Ok. Just so you know, Lily confessed she had covered her eyes through the whole thing, too.
So when we get out of the carts that I swear are going to grind to a halt under my weight, I just have to kinda lie my way out of this one.
"Babe! Did you see that mummy thing that jumped out at the end? Oh my gosh!"
"Yeah! It was so totally scary I almost lost five pounds!!"
"Yeah! And that hacker guy in the middle, I thought Caleb was gonna scream!"
"Man, I wish we had 12 more tickets, that was sooo corny I want to do it again!"
The kids had fun, and that's all that matters.

***Notes From Mom***
Aren't you going to tell them about the time I tricked you onto the Runaway Mine Train?

WANTED: One Boyfriend --- Mimi's Version

So Lily calls on the phone and Chad answers. After the usual greetings it goes something like this......

"I was looking for a boyfriend today."

"What?"

"I was looking for a BOYFRIEND today."

Chad tries to change the subject. He tries to get her to tell mom she wants pigs feet for dinner and she finally tells him she wants to talk to MiMi. What do PaPa's know about boyfriends anyway?

"Hi Lily!"

"Hi (ho hum, depressed sounding). I need a boyfriend."

"Why?"

"So I can kiss him. My friend has a boyfriend and she's 5 like me."

"Baby, you don't have to go looking for a boyfriend. You belong to God and He's already got everything figured out. He has a boyfriend for you. You don't have to worry about a thing! God will bring him to you like God brought PaPa to me."
(I didn't tell her how long it might take!)

"Is he 5 like me?"

"I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see."

"Okay (more sing song sounding..like her usual self)."

She gets off the phone and tells her mom "PaPa found me a boyfriend!"

The next day, Lily wakes me up and proceeds to hand me another piece of paper and a pen, instructing me to write a letter to Mimi telling her how she doesn't want to wait any longer for a boyfriend, she wants him NOW. It went something like this:
Dear Mimi,
I don't want to wait until I am 15 for my boyfriend. I want to see him now, please please!
Love, Lily
Then she put 75 cents into an envelope with her letter and had me address it to Mimi, even though I told her we could save 41 cents by sending her letter via email. She also made me swear I would send it tomorrow, SWEAR mommy!!
What was the 75 cents for? Shipping charges? Her dowry? Good grief.

Yesterday's Prayers

Lord, Please send my kids a random insect to be occupied with so I can sleep just five minutes longer. Amen.
Holy Father, please guide my sleeping body down the stairs so that I don't fall and break my neck because I have been ordered to make pancakes this morning. Amen.
Jesus, thank You for DVD players and DVDs. Amen.
Dear Jesus, please have mercy on me and let me skip this month. PLEASE. Amen.
Dear Jesus, thanks for considering it anyway. Amen.
Lord, please let me have just one more box of macaroni and cheese in the pantry. Amen.
Father, please forgive me for making Lily help Caleb change his pull-up because changing 50 a day can get pretty daunting, and hey she wasn't doing much anyway. Amen.
Jesus, please guide this turkey sandwich away from my hips. Thank you! Amen.
Lord, please forgive me for rescuing five ice cream sandwiches from the freezer in under an hour. Amen.
Jesus, will You stop up the neighbor's dog so he'll quit crapping in my garden? Thanks! Amen.
Dear Lord, just three more hours. Please get me through these final three hours.... Amen.
Holy Father, thank You for chlorine pools that clean children just as good as a regular bath would. Amen.
Holy One, please let this rotten child go to sleep soon. Amen.
Jesus, thank You again for DVD players! Amen.
Dear Lord, I thank You for today and pray that we all... ZZZZZZZZZZZ

WANTED: One Boyfriend

Ok, so for a while now Lily has been saying she wants a boyfriend because someone in her class had one and she was five like her and stuff. I ask her why she wants a boyfriend, and she says so she can play with him and kiss him and hug him. Uugghh. I've tried everything to discourage her, like boys have germs, they'll want you to get a job and pay all the bills, why get a boyfriend if you don't want a baby in your tummy (she told me that too. I guess she's going to adopt! WOO HOO!!), boys are mean, etc. Nothing is working!
Today she came upstairs and handed me a piece of paper and a pen and said
"Mom. I want you to write a sign that says I want a boyfriend and will marry him."
"What are you going to do with it?"
"I'm going to put it on the porch for someone to see and he will knock on my door."
Now I'm rolling!!
So this is what I wrote:
I WANT A BOYFRIEND TO MARRY. BUT MY MOM TOLD ME NO, SO DON'T BOTHER APPLYING WITHIN.
What am I going to do when she starts reading?
She's putting it on the door as we speak.

Modern Day Jonah 1

Wow! It's been nearly a month since I posted last! I'm sorry!
Just a snippet before I really get going:
Lily and I had eggs this morning for breakfast, and of course, she's asking all kinds of questions, like "Where do eggs come from?"
"The chickens lay them."
"Oh. Gross. Oh, and then they sit on them right?"
"Yup."
"I want to sit on an egg and let it hatch."
"You have to sit there for a long time for it to hatch."
"Well, you can help me. We can take turns!"
It took a lot to talk her out of sitting on an egg from the refrigerator.....

Anyhow.... The kids and I just got back from spending a week at my in-laws. While I was there, my brother Zac and his clan came down, and in the midst of all that hubalaboo I got talked into riding with Zac to Shreveport to get his car to my sister whom he is selling it to. (It was a complicated thing. I rode with them to Shreveport, they had a friend pick them up there and take them home, and I drove the car to Dallas while my mom drove my car with my kids to Dallas so that we can switch cars and she can drive it back and give it to Taryn. Whew.) So anyway, here comes Saturday. Who is going? Zac, his wife Raysha, their son Zayden and his ginormous car seat, Raysha's brother K (Not even gonna try to spell it cause I know I will mess it up. HINT: It rhymes with weigh-in.) and me. What are we cramming into? A 2000 Ford Escort. Let me try and draw you a (mental, since my stupid computer won't cooperate!) picture of what we all looked like in this thing:

I occupy the ENTIRE space between the car seat, door, and headrest. I had to raise a butt cheek and lean over the baby to shut the door! Zac (a.k.a. Long and Lanky) is crammed under the steering wheel, while poor K (a.k.a. L&L2) is folded into the opposite space as me. Raysha I guess was comfortable... I know Zayden was, cause he got a whole three square feet of seat. Hence the big smile on his face for most of the car ride. Why do car seats have to be so frikkin big?! I'm not even gonna try and illustrate the trunk, it was so packed I could hear the lid groaning. Now, we'll be crammed in here for a whole like six hours. LOVELY. Oh, and the best part? There's a DOG in here too! Sadly they had to leave the hamster. Bummer. Luckily Booger is only a four pound mini something and so he fits rather well in the confines of the abyss that is the floorboard, which I cannot see. I guess there was enough air down there to support mammalian life.
Zac had gotten two of the tires changed while they were down, so we thought we were set. Wrong.

Modern Day Jonah 2

Two or three hours out we start experiencing this horrible wobbling that only gets worse the further we go. So we pull over to see what's up, Zac tightens all four tires, and we start again. It's even worse; so much so that Zayden has discovered that when he jabbers his voice bounces and it sounds really funny, as do ours while we're trying to discuss what the problem could be.
Then..... *POP**WOOSH**!!!!
And Zac says, "I guess that's what the problem was."
I thought his wife was going to crack one over his head.
We all get out. Sure enough, the right rear tire is blown (the side I'm on.... coincidence? I think not). Zac and K start unburying the spare tire while I get on the phone to locate the nearest Discount Tire location. Yep, we're cheap and not ashamed to admit it!! Luckily there is one about thirty miles away. Zac finds the donut and puts it on, and now we have to find a spot for the busted tire! Geez!! While he is figuring that out, the rest of us are talking and joking and I say, "Maybe one of us isn't supposed to leave Texas, you know, like Jonah!"
We collectively decide it is K. I guess cause he was the youngest of the "adults." Yes, adults is in quotations for a reason!
Zac miraculously finds a spot for the tire in the trunk and now he has to put the puzzle pieces that are the rest of the luggage back together so that they will fit into the trunk. Whew!
So we get to DT, and we all (including Booger) go chill in the waiting area.
Thirty minutes later, we're on our way.
We arrive uneventfully, albeit numbly, in Shreveport and sneak Booger into the motel room (there's that cheapness again!) in a pillowcase. Then Zac's friend Kevin arrives, and we have a party. Not really. The guys went out to eat while Raysha and I put Zayden to bed.
They get back, and we're trying to figure out sleeping arrangements. Let me illustrate how it all panned out: Zac and Raysha slept on one bed. Kevin and K (unwillingly) share the other bed. I am on an air mattress shoved between the door, a desk, K&K's bed and a huge air conditioner. I thought it was going to burst. So we all drift off to sleep. Well, I was on my way when all of a sudden....
"ZAC ZAC ZAC OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH ZAC GET UP GET UP HE'S STUCK GET UP!!"
We all jump up, and Zac is between the beds doing this linebacker pose with his hands out to his sides, hopping to and fro saying "WHAT WHAT WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??!!"
Turns out Zayden had gotten stuck between the wall and the bed. No big emergency. Zayden gets rescued. All is well. I put down the dog and the laptop and crawl back into bed.
The next day we go our separate ways pretty uneventfully. That is, until I get home and Zac calls me. Kevin's car has just blown two tires.
I now had a strong suspicion someone wasn't meant to leave Texas. Probably K because he's the youngest. I mean really, coincidence? I think not!! I advise Zac to leave K on the side of the road once they get the tires fixed, I mean be nice and drop him off at McDonald's or something, but good grief!! Something's going on here!!
They finally make it home some three hours after they should have been home, and here my story ends.
It will be a LONG time before I go to Shreveport again.

Child Logic

The other day my darling daughter and I had this conversation:
"Mom. How come you have boobies and I don't?"
"Well, when you get older you'll go through puberty and then you will get them."
"Oh. What are boobies for?"
"When you have a baby in your tummy your boobs produce milk so you can feed the baby after it is born."
"Your boobs have milk in them?"
"No, it only happens when you have a baby in your tummy."
"Oh. What's in them right now?"
"Nothing. It's just skin and fat."
"Oh."
Later that night, Caleb and I have this endearing conversation:
---pokes me in the boob--
"Boobies!!"
"Yes. Don't poke them."
"Is there milk in there?"
"Nope, not anymore."
"Just fat?"
"Yeah."
"Like your tummy?"
Ggrrr...

Death By No Diet

After much thought I have concluded that I will die, or at least lose my right foot, if I do not start dieting. Let me elaborate.
We were in Wal-mart the other day, and James made the mistake of taking a short cut through the ice cream isle. In moments I was drooling onto the window showcasing the Ben and Jerry's ice cream. So we decided to get some. James picks New York Super Fudge Chunk and I pick Peanut Butter Cup. When I retrieve them, my pint slips through my fingers (surprise surprise) and falls right on the top of my foot! Oouucchh! Now I have a big nasty bruise on my foot that still hurts.
You know what creeps me out? This is the second time it has happened! Same store, same flavor, same foot! If I drop another one on there I think it may burst a vein and blood will flow out and corrode my muscles and they'll have to amputate it. Ok, I'm a little dramatic.
But get this.
I get a hankering for a Starbucks Frappuccino, so on the way home I ask James to stop by there. This one is in a shopping strip and doesn't have a drive-thru so I have to haul my fat self across the parking lot. I get my venti frap and while walking towards the car I almost get hit my this huge truck! Geez! Can't that kid see I'm enjoying my 2500 calories??
Thus, my conclusion.
I will die or lose a foot if I do not start dieting.
Or I could sit at home and have James bring me my B&J's and frapps. Hrmmm....

Swimming With The B's

Here I am again! I never seem to go away, do I? I haven't been writing because the pool at our apartment complex finally opened up! Woo hoo! The kids and I have been swimming almost every day. It's very good exercise, when you don't cancel it out with a Big Mac and jumbo fries! I PROMISE I will do my Pilates tomorrow, flabby abby, I promise.
Anyway, the B family went swimming the other night and I thought I'd blog about it.
First, I had to find a bathing suit. (dum dum DUM)
Off to Walmart I go. Fortunately I didn't have the kids that week. I go to the fat woman section and start browsing. I have already decided the bikini went out with my first child's birth, and tankinis are just too short, they roll up over my belly. So I am reduced to a one-piece. I find a really cute black one with a gold ring between the "boobies". PLUS, it has tummy comtrol! Yeah! So I grab a 1X and head to the fitting room.
No go. I'm jumping and grunting and pulling and it's just not going over my stomach.
Head back out. Search and search and finally find a 3X. Here we go again.
This time, it's so big my boobs keep falling out, and I actually feel skinny! But alas, it doesn't fit. Figures. I finally find the perfect bathing suit and they don't have my size.
On the off chance, I go looking for a 2X. Surely they won't have one, I say to myself. I'm working myself up for a disappointment.
But there... in the dark chasm of the flipped-off-the-hanger-don't-have-time-to-put-it-back-on vacuum of forgotten bathing suits.... I see a glimmer of gold....
No. It can't be. But as I reach in and grab it, bringing it slowly up, the fluorescent lights make the gold ring flicker so beautifully, and I know. I just know.
Tepidly I find the tag.... and there it is, in bold black letters: 2X!!
Woo hoo!!!
It's funny when James gets home that night. I'm sitting on the couch when he walks in. I casually inform him I went bathing suit shopping. I see his eyes get big and he slowly backs towards the door he just entered.
"No, it's ok babe. I found the perfect one!"
We celebrated by buying 6 pints of Ben and Jerry's.
Anyway, the B family went swimming the other night and I thought I'd blog about it.
James swims for about 10 minutes then vegetates in the hot tub for the rest of the hour or so. I can't really blame him, I mean he does work all day in the blistering heat... but c'mon! Your wife is in a smoking hot bathing suit, the kids are occupied and you want to SIT THERE?!! Whatever.
I, on the other hand, love water. Rain, puddles, swimming pools, love it. This pool happens to have three shower head thingies that "rain" into the pool. So I swim about and then stand autistically under the rain for 45 minutes. Love it.
Lily runs and jumps into the pool, oh, a million times. Every time we are obliged to watch her do this! but the jump never changes. Oh! She did add a spin once.
Caleb likes to spin around as much as I like water. When he gets tired, frustrated or mad he gets on his Sit-N-Spin and away he goes. He's been known to spin himself to sleep or throw up and jump back on it again.
Can you guess what he's doing in the pool?
Yup. Spinning. The whole time. And when one of us gets into his "spinning zone" he lashes out with a scream and a few kicks.
So there we are.
ZZZZZZ (asleep in the hot tub)
Ooohhhh... rain.....
"WATCH THIS MOM CAN YOU SEE ME ARE YOU WATCHING WATCH ME MOM LOOK!!!"
Spin. Spin. Spin. Spin.

Miscellany 2

I found a banana in the peanut butter jar the other day. Apparently Caleb had tried dipping the banana into the peanut butter, it didn't work, so he shoved it all in there, closed it and put it back into the pantry.

We were in the car coming home from picking up Lily from school and she was shaking her Weekly Reader very annoyingly. When I asked her to stop, she said "Mom! I'm trying to make a movie!"

The kids are at Nana's house for a week! Woo hoo! James was also off yesterday for Memorial Day, so we spent all day eating four different flavors of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and watching the first season of My Name Is Earl. Today James is out of town over night at his job (boo!), so here is how I've kept myself occupied:
1. Woke up at 10 and ate Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream for breakfast.
2. Surfed the Internet for 3 hours.
3. Went to the bank.
4. Worked on a puzzle to build my brain muscles for 2 hours.
5. Ate strawberries and corn flakes for lunch.
6. Took a nap.
7. Considered doing the laundry, but nah, hopped back online instead.
I miss the kids, but man do I like to sleep in and not have to negate arguments all day!

New Pets

It has come to my attention recently that staying at home caring for two young children can be monotonous and boring. I have had pets all of my life, and so have my kids mostly. We were all getting "pet lonely" because our apartment requires a $400 deposit to have a pet. Boo!
The other day we received in the mail a check for past child support (I know! I almost fell into my new garden in shock!) and I decided to get the kids and myself a pet.
So off to the pet store we went.
Caleb wanted a hairless rat. Ewww, no.
Lily wanted a chinchilla. This girl is gonna be high maintenance, I can tell.
Then I saw the guinea pigs. I asked the pet store lady about them. She said yeah, they're great for kids, very tame, make cute noises, eat out of your hand, easy to maintain, etc. I told her once we had two hamsters, but one was accidentaly dropped and, you know.
So we became the proud owners of a guinea pig named Lenny.
As we were leaving, Lily carrying the animal box, she leans over her shoulder and shouts "I promise I won't kill this one!" You should have seen the looks of pity Lenny recieved.
We took him home, set up his cage, and watched him run into his box. And never come out.
I've caught him a few times and the kids and I have held him, even fed him little treats.
But other than that, he sits still in your lap, or runs into his box and hides.
This guinea pig isn't living up to the cute pet I had envisioned! Not even one cute noise!
I am determined, though.
Today I was in the kitchen washing dishes and the phone rang. I guess it scared Lenny because he made a chirping noise. His first word! Awww!
This will take time, but I think he will be a good pet.

This weekend we also acquired two baby red eared slider turtles. They are so funny! We just lay there and watch them chase each other, look at us, climb on top of each other trying to get out of the aquarium; they even eat funny. I'm kinda liking them, and James is too. He won't admit it, but he's a sucker for animals.

Oh. We caught a caterpillar outside and the kids wanted to keep it in a box to watch it morph into a butterfly (why did I have to open my big mouth?). So we put it into a box with leaves and branches and stuff. It was dead five hours later. Oh well.

Evil Bank Tellers

Do you remember the days when your parents went to the bank drive thru and you got all excited because you knew the person at the other end of that vacuum tube was going to send out suckers for the kids? Your mouth would water just waiting in line for your parents to do whatever they did with their money that didn't grow on trees, and by the time the suckers came you could already hear the crackle of the wrapper coming off that delicious sucker.
My question is, why don't they send out suckers any more?
You know they have the money to buy them. Seriously, how much does a bag of suckers cost? Not much at Dollar General. There's gotta be some petty cash around there somewhere. And, how many people actually dare to take two toddlers with them to the drive thru (besides me)? Do they not send suckers to see the parents' faces fall when they realize the snotty bank teller has not sent suckers to temporarily pacify their screaming children? Are they trying to lose customers?
C'mon people. Think of the kids!

One Year Anniversary

I just realized that March 12 was this blogs' one year anniversary, which is saying something because I have never kept a journal/diary/kill and or maim list for more than a week. I'm surprised I've kept my husband for as long as I have. To celebrate, I have composed a list of facts about yours truly because most of this blog is about the kids, and well, it's my turn!!

1. I'm almost finished reading the entire Bible.

2. I like to read, even though I rarely get the chance.

3. I believe in spirits, though I've yet to see one. But there was this one time when I kept feeling a presence run into my room and stop at the foot of my bed and "watch" me.

4. I have had dreams of events happening years before they happen. Like the house we moved into when I was 15; I had dreamed about it two years before. It looked exactly the way it did in the dream.

5. I have deja vu often, mainly about trivial stuff like James and I getting into a fight or getting a phone call at a certain time of day.

6. Therefore, I believe in people who have an ability to "feel" certain places and what might have happened there, but I believe it is a talent from God and He severely limits it. I believe it's not anything particularly paranormal, but simply God allowing us to use different parts of the brain together or separately. I don't believe in palmists, future-seers, mystic ball readers and those kooks at the end of those 900 numbers.

7. I like to think complicatedly and ponder things that most people don't get when I try to explain it to them.

8. I like to see things accomplished in an orderly, manner, i.e. laundry (washing, drying, folding, putting away), dishes (same), vacuuming, getting the kids up and dressed, etc. I like to do those chores myself not to get them done, but because it satisfies a certain OCD part of me.

9. I have a sequence I follow while showering, and not much interferes with it. I shave one body part every three days; hardly ever do I shave all parts of my body in one shower session.

10. I like the sound of someone typing, James playing his guitar, running water, wind chimes, and silence.

11. I like office supplies; paper, pens, spirals, binders, envelopes, markers, stamps, etc. I will often rifle the office supply isle at Wal-Mart just to look at the stuff. I like the smell of paper, erasers, new tires and new swim floats.

12. I hate the sound of someone rubbing the feet on the carpet, gulping, slurping, smacking, and any repeated nuance coming from a toy.

13. I have started several stories but never finished them, including six or so autobiographies.

14. I know I want to go to college, but not what for. I would like to work with finance but I don't really like numbers and math. I thought about psychology but I really don't want to hear about other people's problems. I would like to study the brain, but it's too complex.

15. The left side of my body is smaller then the right.

16. I taught myself to type by memorizing where the keys are, not by putting my hands on the keyboard in a sequential order and remembering "N is to the bottom left of J, which is under my right index finger."

17. Yeah, not many people know what I'm talking about.

18. I like to sleep, and for me to sleep well I have to be in total darkness with a fan being the only sound I hear.

19. I keep my nails short because if they are long, I am obsessed with keeping them clean and it starts to really irritate me.

20. I think a certain connection is formed in utero between a mother and her child, and men are just SOL.

****Notes From Mom****
Number 7 is true. Most of the time when you try to explain something, I'm thinking "What planet is she from?" But I often think that about Taryn too. Zac I understand. I may not agree, but I understand.

Mother's Day 2007

My Mom
By: Lily

My mom has white hair and blue eyes.
She is 12 feet tall and weighs 50 pounds.
My mom likes to wash dishes.
My mom is happy when we help her with the dishes.
My mom's favorite TV show is Scooby Doo and Princesses.
My mom is very smart. She knows all about me and my brother.
My mom likes to eat broccoli, meat and mashed potatoes.
It really bugs my mom when we do stuff wrong.
If my mom could have one wish come true, it would be for Jesus to make the kids be good.
My mom is special because she makes cookies.

Those Genes Look Good On You! 2

I had Lily's parent-teacher conference the other day. Her teacher commented that "Lily is the most interesting student I've had in a long time!" You should have to raise her, lady. You have NO IDEA. Trust me. Apparently when Lily transferred to her new class, she already knew all the stuff her new teacher was teaching the rest of the class, so Lily has been a little bored. They draw in a journal every day (I'll post pictures up later, she wouldn't let me take the journal, something about waiting until the end of the year, I think she just wanted it for herself, give it back!!) and Lily draws in 3-D, which her teacher said is very unusual. She also draws depth and draws letters in block form, also very unusual. But what was really cool was Lily scored a 676 on the STAR Early Literacy test, while the rest of her class scored in the 300-500 range. Whoop whoop!
This all brings me to questions like....
How do you raise an overly smart kid?
How do you keep them busy?
Do you follow their lead?
So she really does understand the Spanish she's been jibbering?
Is that why she's been hel! on wheels since the day she was born?
Did those falls off the bed when she was little have anything to do with it?
Can she get a job now?
Uhhhggg. This is all kind of overwhelming. But I do want to give a shout out to Nana who starting teaching her the ABC's at the age of 2. Kudos!

A Little Miscellany

I woke up a couple of mornings ago and found a whole roll of toilet paper unrolled into a half-filled tub of water. Apparently the kids had tried to take a bath but couldn't find the stopper, so they plugged the drain with the only sensible thing they could think of. (If it stops up the toilet, perhaps it will stop up this drain! We are geniuses!) So I spent the morning digging soggy TP out of a nasty drain, then I had to plunge it because some of it was still out of reach. Okay, I just didn't want to stick my finger in that far. So sue me! Caleb has also discovered the absolute joy that comes from pouring cups of water onto his foam mattress until it is thoroughly soaked and I have to drag it onto the porch to dry all day. The only reason that kid still has a butt is because his dad gets home at 4:30.

I have gotten tired of rinsing out sharted underwear, and have been trying to figure out a way to get out of this duty. I can't keep a pull-up on him because he uses it like a diaper and I'm back to square one changing him all day. Plain underwear is sharted in on an average of every 45 minutes. (In case you're wondering, "shart" is when you sh*t and fart at the same time.) Then it came to me....
MAXI PADS!!!
I can just yank it out and replace it when it gets sharted on! Awesome!
So I get out my Kotex and put one on him, and it goes literally from his belly button to his lower back. I am a genius! All day went well, with the pad not sharted on, until we go to get him dressed for bed.
"Uh, babe?"
"Yeah."
"Is my son wearing a, uh, pad?"
"Yes he is."
"Umm.... ok."
James is so good about going along with my experiments, although realizing his son wore his sister's shoes, had pink toenails courtesy of Nana, found an old purse of mine that he liked AND was wearing a maxi pad all day probably hit him a little below the belt. Poor guy.
Back to the pad. Caleb had peed in it. A good quart or so, which means he used the pad all day like a pull-up/diaper. Square one again.
And then it hit me...
PANTYLINER!!
Shorter, but still there to do it's job, it just might work....
I've given up on potty training for a while. Peeing is down, but pooing just isn't. He's started doing the poopy dance again, which is good, but when I sit him on the toilet he cries and carries on but doesn't poop. I've tried eveything. Candy, cookies, trips to the park, a new toy, horror stories about constipation, nothing works! And I'm tired. So, Daddy has poo duty for a while. He's even tried the you-need-to-feed-the-toilet story, I know it's so gross, but so far nothing.

James and I started a garden yesterday. I now have 18 plants at my mercy. Oh, and I found out yesterday that all 18 are annuals, meaning they don't last more than a year. I'll have to dig them up next year and replant them. Ggrrrr.

Conversation With My Body

Body: "Um excuse me, are you busy?"
Brain: "Why no, can I help you?"
Body: "Gee, I hope so. Uh, what is this?"
Brain: "What is what?"
Body: "You see that blob of orange mush over there in my stomach? What is that?"
Brain: "Oh, that would be a carrot."
Body: "A what?"
Brain: "A carrot. You know, the vegetable."
Body: "Dude, we haven't had a vegetable since we were seven. What's up with that?"
Brain: "Well you see, lately there has been a lot of fat lying around, metabolism isn't doing it's job too well, and let's face it, you're having trouble getting up the stairs in one piece."
Body: "Oop! That is not true! How dare you say that!"
Brain: "How often do you bring your clothes downstairs so you won't have to go back upstairs to get dressed?"
Body: "That's just good conservation technique."
Brain: "Yeah right."
Body: "Aahh!! What's that??"
Brain: "Looks like more carrot."
Body: "You can't do this to me!! No fair!!"
Brain: "Get used to a lot more vegetables AND fruits AND exercise. Need to get this fat moving around here!"
Body: "EXERCISE?? No, no I can't. I went for the water thing but I absolutely cannot do exercise. Nope."
Brain: "I have to get the fat moving because it's taking a toll on emotions and self-esteem. You're not doing a quick enough evacuation job."
Body: "Yes, I... I mean... I'm just pacing myself!!"
Brain: "Three years? That's called procrastination."
Body: "Pacing! Not procrastination!"
Brain: "Whatever."
Body: "Please! I swear, I'll.... I'll make you pay for this!"
Brain: "Really."
Body: "Yeah! You better watch your back, cause here comes a big... big COLD or something!"
Brain: "Careful, my pet. I can cut the oxygen supply real quick."
Body: "You... you wouldn't dare!!"
Brain: "Try me."
Body: "You're mean! You're... CRAZY!!"
Brain: "Just get that fat moving."
Body: "CRAZY! CRAZY!!"

That Holy Feeling 3..... And Then Some

Okay. So we've gotten moved far far away. Getting settled into a new routine, one of which is going from $2800 per month salary to $1600 a month. Yeah. So, we're trying to conserve whatever we can, cut whatever corners we can.
One biggie has been electricity, because with the summer starting I have this anal fear of a $400 electric bill. These last couple of days haven't been scorchers, but they haven't been pleasant either, at 69% humidity. Plus, our room is upstairs. I finally relented and let James turn on the air for a few minutes in the evening so he can get to sleep.
Yesterday, it was soooo muggy and hot I finally said to myself, Screw it! Turn on the air. God will provide for us. So I turned the air on. And guess what?
James came home that evening and announced he was getting a $2 raise!! Whoop whoop!! Hallelujah!!

Last week we went fishing with the kids at the local pond. We used corn and caught small perch, which wasn't much but the kids loved it! So did James; he's such a kid. When they caught one, we would all gather around and feel it's scales, etc. Well, they did. I don't do scales. Then the kid who caught the fish got to throw it back. A few days later we were driving somewhere and Lily saw that Caleb had a scab on his knee and said it looked like scales, to which Caleb replied,
"Well, I guess you haffa frow me back."

Today while leaving Walmart after another grand adventure, Lily asks me,
"Mom? How's it going?"
Are you kidding?? You escaped from the cart, terrorized the lobster, poked holes in packages of meat, picked up every box of cereal on the aisle wanting to (loudly) buy it, and added various items to the basket which weren't noticed until we enter the checkout line. (I SWEAR I didn't put those magnum condoms in there.... poor cashier.)

Last night James and the kids made cookies. He bought some pre-made dough and the kids helped him put it on the cookie sheets. When they were done I learned James had used the ice cream scoop to spoon the cookie dough, leading to the creation of brown-on-the-outside, gooey-on-the-inside monstrosities. They loved them. Yuck!!

We've been trying to teach the kids more bedtime songs because I'm getting tired of singing the same two over and over again. Last night we taught them "This Little Light Of Mine" and "I've Got The Joy, Joy, Joy." Caleb's rendition:
"Dis little life off mine
I'm gonna let it thine
Dis little life off mine
I'm gonna let it thine
Let it thine Lord let it thine"

Potty training is regressing. Caleb has stopped doing the poop dance, so I can't really tell when he needs to go #2 anymore. We've been changing pull-ups now for about a week, because rinsing out skidded underwear is SO not my thing. James was changing Caleb last night and Caleb kept swinging his legs around, and finally James said "If you don't quit I'm gonna lite your butt up!" to which Caleb replied "But ders no fire in der!"

Miscellany

I think these are self-explanatory.
The first picture pretty much sums up my day yesterday when Caleb was on a terror. Where do I start? First, we went to Wal-mart, where he immediately announced "I gotta go potty!!" He has to go potty every. place. we. go. No kidding. Church, McDonald's, a friend's house, wherever it is he has to mark his territory I guess. Anyway, we get to the check out where he starts with the I-want-candy routine. After repeatedly telling him no, he takes his hand and swipes five boxes of candy onto the floor. Where did I get this demon child? So we make it to the register where he picks up the debit card pen-pad thingy and starts scribbling away. So I push him down a little further. There he reaches down and spins the plastic bag holder thingy while the cashier is putting stuff in a bag and slings my deodorant a good seven feet, where a kindly old lady picks it up. So I push him FURTHER towards the nail manicure place, and I guess the acrylic burned what be-good brain cells he had left cause the rest of my day was shot.
So we go get Lily and head home, and he falls asleep. When he wakes up I am in the shower, so I jump out and change him because he's peed his underwear (I was NOT going to wake him up to put a pull-up on him). Then I go back upstairs to get dressed. In those two minutes he empties two cups of marshmallows into a bowl, added water and a cup of sugar, and has placed it on his bedroom floor. So I pick up the bowl and discover sugar water all over the carpet, which has since made a sticky spot even though I cleaned it up. He also has sugar paste on his face and hair.
So I put him in the bathtub and go find my cell phone because right about now I need a drinking buddy. I go back about five minutes later and there's five gallons of bathwater on the floor. SO I get him out and dressed and make him help me clean THAT up. Then we all go upstairs because I need to get online but I want to keep an eye on them. They get out hot pink highlighters and paper and start to draw. The next thing I know, there are lovely pink swirls on my WHITE CARPET and bed sheets. Ggrrrr.
So I send them downstairs where he finds two plastic pots and starts banging them together relentlessly. SO I take those away. Now you may be asking why I haven't shoved them outside and locked the door. It was cold, and they both have a runny nose, and well I'm not THAT mean. Actually, I haven't located a suitable pediatrician yet.
Then Daddy gets home. YAY!! Everything gets better for a while. We go to Office Depot and James is looking for a card reader of some type, and the guy that comes to help us has a black patch over his eye. And of course, Lily says "Mom! Is he a PIRATE??"
So we went to look for green paper.
While carrying Caleb inside, he looks up and says "Mom, the stars are open! Look Mom!"
How cute.

The Pretty And The.... Not So Pretty

First, the pretty......

These are on the side of the road EVERYWHERE. In town, out of town, it looks like the giant momma bluebonnet threw up. Really pretty.

Now, the not so pretty.....

Well, she's pretty, but her hair is not.
"Everyone at school loved it, but they said I need to go see a hairdresser."
Indeed.

Oh The Insanity

Caleb is potty training. We've got peeing down, and pooping is coming along nicely. We're still working on "shaking it" after he finishes so his underwear aren't soaked by the end of the day. Plus, he was smelling like a vagrant. Oh, and "keeping it down." I love sitting on a wet toilet seat. Some cute quotes from our potty training:
"But I'm tired of dith poopin!"
"I gotta go to da bafroom! Turnnaround! Don't watch me!"
"It won't come out." --while looking at "it" and shaking "it"
"Da poopin and da pee peein will make me big and thtrong?"

Lily was making a pizza tonight, and i was telling her what buttons to push on the microwave. When I said start, she said
"Does it start with a S and a T and a A and a R and a T again?"
I love preschool.

This Is A Test Of The Emergency Hormonal System....

So James comes home this weekend and finds me gagging into a trashcan, which I have been doing for about 12 days now, as well as being moody and sleeping a lot. And suddenly it hits me.
"You think you might be pregnant?" I ask myself.
I know I didn't just say the "P" word.
So I catapult off the bed and grab my handy dandy calendar that I have been keeping for Provera (beating my cycles into normal, 28 day, moderate bleeding submission) purposes, and my heart drops about five feet.
THREE
DAYS
LATE.
I've been like clockwork
SINCE
JANUARY.
No. Oh no. NO NO NO. Do you hear me, uterus? I SAID NO. I thought you got the hint when the doctor singed your tubes and clamped them shut. 99.99% effective in preventing pregnancy. Look, here's the pamphlet. LOOK, YOU MORONIC UTERUS. THIS says NO, and I say NO.
She laughed at me.
So after I scraped myself off the floor and started breathing again, I calmly (HYPERVENTILATINGLY) informed James that (YOU BASTARD WITH THE SUPERSONIC SPERM, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!) we were in a predicament.
No. I just have a stomach bug. Really. REALLY.
But the next day, after chugging a half bottle of Pepto Bismol for nausea and almost throwing up at the sight of my once beloved ice cream, I decided maybe we should get a test. Just to ease my mind because James is clearly elated. He agrees with me that we want no more children, this would be devastating, kids are expensive, I can't handle three kids James I can't it's not going to happen, but he's glowing. HE wants a football team. I want my sanity.
So we buy one. And I do my thing.
And it's NEGATIVE.
You stupid gelatinous *$#^%!! Next time you do a hormonal test check-up, let me know!! That was NOT funny! Stupid.
Turns out it was a bug, because James has it now. And ole Aunt Flo made her debut yesterday. Stupid hormones.

Update..... Uh, 3?

WELL.....
We're moving in about four days. To another part of Texas, the pretty part. East Texas. They have GRASS. REAL GRASS. James got a job up there; now he's an electrician. Marine, corrections officer, husband, father, manufacturer, water piper, firefighter, Guardsman, and now electrican. Whoo. I've only ever been a cashier, mother, wife, complaint recepient and DQ queen. The move seems liketa pretty solid idea.... that is, if you can get past these facts:

1. I am moving very far away from my mom, dad, grandparents, in-laws, and children. (What? I have to take them with me? Crap.) I've never lived more than 30 miles from any of them. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I guess I'll have to "grow up" and tough it out. Crap.

2. I'm moving away from my babies!!

The first is my nephew Zayden. The second is my friend Lydia's babies, Laylah and Justice. I see these three weekly, if not daily. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I guess I'll have to scout our new apartment complex for new or expecting mothers. (Hey! Hey you! Can I hold your baby? Please? Just for a minute? I'm having baby withdrawal!!)

3. James is considered contracted labor. Translation: we (meaning I) have to deduct our own taxes. And, he doesn't get paid overtime. AND, he'll be getting at least 5 hours overtime a week. But he does get paid weekly, which is cool.

4. Our insurance is going up $20 a month. Rent is going up $285. We have to switch from Verizon to AT&T, always stressful. But our electricity rate is going down, water will be paid, and the city tax is lower, so I guess it evened out. Plus, they have GRASS.

5. Lily will be tranferring mid-year. Pre-k should be no big year, right? Whatever, she's leaving all her friends behind! Plus, the kids (and I) will be going through Nana and PaPa withdrawal for the first three weeks, which means I may pick up my half-gallon-of-ice-cream-a-day habit again. Crap.

6. While going through said withdrawal, I will have to be constantly reminding my mother and mother-in-law that children must be set free to roam the earth with their heathen, dirty, screaming children. Please (DON'T) start unpacking, (DON'T) unload the car, and try to (GET HERE AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE) relax and think of the (INTENSE RELIEF YOU WILL BE GIVING ME AND YOURSELF) long term affects of your hasty decisions based solely on (MY INABILITY TO FUNCTION, WHY OH WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?!!) emotion.

7. I have to leave my cat. Yes, the psycho one. But I love her dearly. How I will miss our bathroom showdowns and butt attacks. Crap.

Our Story

www.ourstory.com

I found this pretty cool website. You create a page about yourself by answering a jillion questions. Then your family and friends can log on and spend hours reading about you. Here's some I'll share with you:

>>How did you first get the news that a new baby would soon join your life?
How did I get the news? How does anyone?? I peed on a freaking stick!! With Lily I was in the bathroom at school, and my first thought was OH SHAT. Caleb was planned, so I was pretty excited.

>>How did you respond when you first heard that you were expecting a baby?
Lily: OH CRAP. He said he got kicked in the balls and couldn't have kids!! WTF?!! Liar! Liar! Look at the stick, you moron! Two pink lines not one!! Stupid! Look!!
Caleb: Yay!!! What a great wedding present! Now he's really stuck with me for life!!

>>How did you and your partner meet, fall in love, and take the first steps that led to this new baby?
Oh gosh. What steps did we take?? Are you serious??

>>Did your baby "happen" easily, or did it take some work to bring him or her into your life?
You people have me ROLLING!! Um.... Lily only took three months and endless bottles of liquor. So I guess she "happened" relatively easily. Caleb came just four weeks after a miscarriage. Eager little fellow, eh? So I guess he was an easy baby too, though with both I didn't do much work. Isn't that "his" job?

>>What musical, artistic, or other self-expressive talents emerged during your teenage years?
I liked (and still do like) to write. I would write some pretty creepy stuff and then end up burning it. I've started about 30 journals, including food journals, and have never gotten past the first week. Oh, and in my freshman year me and three of my friends tried to be witches. You know, candles and crap. Does that count as artistic? Maybe more like self-expressive....

>>For professional recordkeeping, list the details of your job title, the company you work for, your manager, and the duration of your employment in this role.
Title: Mommy
Company: Oops I Did It Again, Inc.
Manager: God, husband, in-laws, mom and granny.
Duration of Job: FFOORREEVVEERR!!
Job Duties: short order cook, poop cleaner, dish washer, clothes washer, bather, wiper, potty trainer, chaperone, negotiator, interpreter, lost items retrieval, walmart marathon shopper, checkbook balancer, dresser, cat rescuer.

>>Name and provide titles and roles for any employees or assistants that you manage or supervise.
I have one assistant, his name is James. He moonlights as a husband. He performs the duties previously listed if I am doing more than three things at one time. Doesn't need much supervision, requires menial wages (namely anything lacey or "hands on"), and will eat almost anything. Has been an asset to the company for three years now.

I've Been Blond Since Birth

Recently I took a quiz to see if I was dumb. If I scored an 18 or below, I'm smart. I scored 18. On the verge of stupidity. This is what my mom wrote when I sent my quiz results to her:

I was hoping that they would ask "Have you ever swallowed your gum and choked on it while being baptized which made you lose your footing and fall farther under water and flail your arms trying to stand back up while the preacher is trying to help you?"...memories... Luv, Mom

Yes. I was chewing gum during my baptism. So sue me, I'm blond. I guarantee I made some people smile that day, the Good Lord included. I think that's why He made me the way I am. For a good laugh or two. Oh, and once when I was 8 months pregnant I fell off the back porch steps and got myself wedged between the bottom step and my dad's truck. I never knew my dad could exit a car that quickly.

On another note, I started my diet again today. Seriously. Yesterday Lily said "Mom, if you have a big tummy why don't you just have a baby in there?" Ggrrr. I saw James cringe and back away instantly. There's just some things you don't say to Mommy.

Oh The Chaos

This weekend we went to Ennis, Tx. THE LONGEST FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE. Oh, the DVD player helped a little, but after 3 movies it gets really hot and I didn't want to catch anything on fire, as enticing as it sounded (that was for you Taryn). So we get there, and our friend have 4 kids. I mean I knew this before we went and I had prepared myself, but geez Louise! They weren't annoying or anything, I guess cause they're not mine, but after this weekend I'm considering getting my tubes tied. Again. Just to be sure. I don't know how they do it! They have a pretty good system going, bath time and dinner go smooth. They even go to bed at 8!! Wow! That's accomplishment right there folks. All four, pow, asleep. And I didn't see any Benadryl use to boot. They're my heroes. You know what's bad? We all went bowling and MY kid is the one who kept running away! I swear theirs stayed in one place and bowled, but mine? Nope. Caleb sprinted across the bowling lanes twice and the table area thrice. You can imagine how we looked when their four kids are being good and my ONE KID is being.... not good!! I was so embarrassed. What was even funnier was the kids got higher scores than some of the adults! It was great. Like hanging out with a daycare all weekend.

Those Genes Look Good On You!

Caleb talks to himself. A lot. Maybe not abnormally a lot, but we're getting close. He talks mostly when he's playing by himself, and the conversation (can you call it that?) goes something like this:

Boom Boom Boom
Hear that?
Boom Boom
I see da dinosaur!
Run! Run!
Here he comes!
Run!
AAAAHHHHH!! He's gonna get me!!! AAAHHHH!!
He got me!! AAAHHHH!!
Chomp Chomp Chomp
He got you! Run, run!

So cute, huh? I pondered whether this kind of talking is healthy, so I tried to focus on playing with him more, but he just tells me to go away. So sweet. I've discovered where he gets it from though. His father. Here's a clip from James' conversation while he's on the computer:

Humming a song
I wonder where I could find.....
Oh, okay.
Wow! Look you can build it all right here!
Fire course, leadership course.....
Where's the.....
Here it is.
Hey wait a minute......
Oh! Go back......
WHERE DID IT GO?
Crap.
Wait, maybe it's.....
No, it's not there.
But why is it?........
Crap crap crap!
Oh! I see! Hey babe, look at.......
Where do I......
Oh here we go. Bookmark it.
Ok, now what else.....
Oh yeah, a new truck.....

At least Caleb finishes his sentences. Good grief. I guess what bothers me the most is that I never know when he's talking to me or himself.
One more gripe:
There's something terribly wrong when I have to take hits off the air freshener every time he "drops the kids off at the pool." Am I right?

Uh..... Ahem.

Imagine with me now.....
Your husband is gone for a year on deployment
It's his first evening back
The kids aren't at home
Hormones are raging
You both start stripping
And BAM!! You see these.....

Yeah. Talk about a deal breaker.

P.S. They're not dirty! You people are gross! It's the fact that they are military issued poop-brown tighty whities that turned me off!

Prayers And Other Things

Prayers last night.......
Caleb (covering his eyes): Jesus, thank you for food. Amen.
Lily: Jesus loves the little children, and He gives us food. We're going to get Daddy tomorrow. I hope I get to go to Pa Pa and Nana's house tomorrow. (Mom, stop laughing.) There is food for everyone, and it's cold outside tonight. Jesus is good and kind (Mom! I'm praying! Stop laughing!) and He loves you and me. I like my school and all my friends (MOM!! Stop laughing!) and my teacher. And I mind really well. Jesus Christ, amen.
I was laughing because throughout her whole prayer she was farting! Big girl farts! I know the Lord was giggling too.

Today I went to wipe some spaghetti sauce off Lily's face the old fashioned mom way (spit and thumb) when she noticed my tongue ring and asked me to open my mouth, so I did.
"Oh Mom, that..... that's wonderful!"
Then Caleb came over, and they asked me to take it out. So while I was unscrewing the ring both the kids were sticking their tongues out and chewing them and stuff, like people who move their mouths when you're talking to them. Caleb said "Ewww, a hole!" and Lily said "Wow! Can I stick my finger in there?" It was funny.

Caleb has started taking off his dirty diaper and rubbing the contents on the couch. EEWWW!! Thank goodness we bought leather. I can just wipe it off. But it's still nasty. Mom suggested making him clean it off, which I think would make a bigger mess than it is originally. (Translation: Poop on fingers. Poop on hands. Poop in hair. Poop prints on the wall. Poop on the cat (try catching a poop-covered cat and washing her off.... yeah right). Poop footprints, just for the sake of experimentation. Need I continue?)

I tried waxing my eyebrows with pre-cut, pre-waxed strips, to help me achieve PERFECTLY SHAPED EYEBROWS EVERY TIME, GUARANTEED!!!! So I washed my eyebrows, dried them, applied the top strip, rubbed, and yanked it off. A little sting, not bad. Had to do it three times to get all the hair, but still worked ok. Same with the other side. Then I got to the bottom, you know underneath? I thought I had a pretty high pain tolerance, but I guess not, cause when I ripped off the top layer of my upper eyelid IT HURT. WTF, WHO INVENTED THESE RETCHED THINGS??!!! But I had to do the other one cause I knew I wouldn't be able to pluck the other side and make it match the one I just did. So with a little self-psyching and promises of chocolate, I did it. Thank goodness it got all the hair off in one strip cause I was NOT gonna do that again. I think I'll go back to plucking.

I bought a couple of yoga/Pilate's DVDs at Walmart the other day. I've never done yoga, so I tried it yesterday. I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing, like stretching and breathing and meditation? NOOOO. The stretching stuff was ok, though that lady could do some stuff I haven't seen in even the most ancient Kama Sutra books, like stand on the palms f her hands without bending her knees. That's not normal.
"Just reeeeach over and grab your ankles, or calves or wherever you feel comfortable putting your hands...."
How about on my thighs?
"If you can, just laaaay your lower arms and head on the floor and breathe deeply, in and out, nice and relaxed...."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
I bet that woman could see her ovaries if she was naked.
But alas, I want to be more flexible and toned, so I will try again on Monday. I don't sweat on weekends, plus James is coming home on a three day pass today, which means he's on poop duty, and I can concentrate on other things, like spending money.

Some Funny Stuff

Conversation I had with Caleb today:

"Sissy a girl!"
"Good! What are you?"
"A Caleb!"
"But are you a boy or a girl?"
"I a boy!"
"Good! What makes a girl different than a boy?"
"Da colors."
"The colors? What colors?"
"Da blue and da pink."
"The blue and the pink?"
"Yeah. Da blue for da boys and da pink for da girls!"

Prayers tonight:

Lily: "Dear God, We can move anywhere you say when Daddy gets back. Thank you for these people and our food. Amen. Jesus Christ."
Caleb: "Dear Jesus loves da little children. Momma and Daddy give me food. Thank you for da food. Daddy coming home. Jesus."
Amen!

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Dying

Dear Body,
It seems you and I have come to the same crossroads as the cat and I. Now I know I've done some pretty bad things that you may hold a grudge for, like getting pregnant at 17, Butterfingers, some drug use, ice cream, odd piercings, Cheetos, a second pregnancy..... I know, I KNOW. But good grief, this tops them all! WHY OH WHY must we have the flu AND menstruate at the SAME TIME?!!! Wouldn't it be easier to take things one by one? I mean, you've been barraging me for the last three months with menstrual issues, so I figured that when I got the flu you'd keep yourself occupied in THAT area and kinda forget about that OTHER area. You know, get yourself well before waging another war? This is not fun. Can't we work something out? Write back soon.
Talia

Letter To My Cat

Dear Psycho Cat:
I love you. I think you're pretty neat. You keep me company when my husband is away and my kids are asleep. However, I have developed a list of things we need to work on in order to coexist peacefully.
1. I know sometimes you have bowel problems. I understand, I get them sometimes too. BUT, is it necessary to "let loose" at 3 a.m.? I swear it sounds like a balloon full of pudding explodes when you first enter your litter box. It's 3 a.m.!! I know cat time is a little different than human time, but if you can't time your explosive bowel movements (Not to mention the smell, good heavens! My nostrils retreat just remembering!) during the normal business hours (daylight), can you at least give me a fair warning? Give me a chance to vacate to the couch? This applies to when company is over too.
2. Speaking of bowel movements, why must you unload while I'm cleaning your litter box? It's like "Hold on there, get this one while you're at it hon." It's gross. I think you do it because you know I will let you finish so I won't leave the chore "undone." You know it will bother me the rest of the day if I leave it in there. So stop.
3. PLEASE don't attack my butt when I fart. The first time was funny. Now it's not. I don't barrage your butt cheeks with claws every time you pass wind.
4. Speaking of attacks. I move while I sleep. It's human nature. And I understand you're nocturnal most nights. But that doesn't mean you can chew on my toes, nose, fingers, etc. Resist the urge. That's why there's a scratching post, to take out your undue frustrations.
5. Milk will be given AFTER I finish my cereal. Not before. Not during. So keep your paws out of it!!
6. Your boyfriend peed on my bed. That means no more overnight stays, no matter how much verbal diarrhea I hear from you. Plus, he eats too much.
7. If I trip over you while I'm trying to put food into your dish, I will break my leg and not be able to feed you any more. So find a place and park it until I'm done.
8. I put water in your dish for a reason. Please drink out of it, and not the toilet. That's just nasty. And a bare human butt hovering over you means quit drinking out of said toilet and MOVE or you will be peed on. Don't play chicken with me. I will win.
9. If you want outside and then change your mind halfway through the door, you will be pushed outside and the door will be shut. I don't play the "Hold on, I'm thinking....." game.
10. Your litter box need not be confined to holding feces and urine. It is capable of holding puke too. So use it and not my house shoes. PLEASE.
11. The plastic on the window is to keep the cold air out. If you keep making holes in it, I will put you out in the cold air.
12. The poinsettia is almost dead, but I think I like it now. So please stop mauling it.

I hope my requests are not unreasonable, because I'd like to keep you around. If you do find them unbearable, though, I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't mind a new roommate.
Love,
Your Loving Owner

Update

Hello, wonderful audience!
Sorry I haven't been posting. I've been really not busy. Well, kinda.
First, James came home! Woo hoo! For three days! Now he's in Utah! Ugghh!
Talk about falling in love all over again.
He was scheduled to arrive at 3:30 A frikin M, so the day before I drove to the Hood and spent the day with Melissa, the wife of James' friend. We had a blast! I can't think of a store we didn't go to. Wal-mart, Dollar General, Hobby Lobby, Olive Garden.... ok, maybe I can. Then we bought a bottle of wine and went back to our hotel room to sip and watch t.v.
Ok, the instructions said "Hold bottle firmly while twisting cork." So I did, and nothing happened! Then I noticed the wire thingy, which I should have seen sooner cause it was raking the crap out of my hand while I tried to twist the cork, so I start to take it off the neck of the bottle and POW!!!!!
I nearly take Melissa's eye out with the cork. Great way to start a friendship, huh? So we drank a little bit and watched t.v. and tried to sleep but couldn't. Then we got ready and went to get the guys. It's funny, after 6 months of being away I felt like a teenager in high school! I primped and propped (those who know me know I DO NOT primp) and sucked in my gut and practiced walking and smiling and laughing. The whole time we were waiting for them I was rehearsing how I would elegantly (and skinnily) prance down the bleachers to greet him. It was retarded!
So they guys finally come in and get into formation and of course some big shot has to talk, thankfully for only 10 minutes. Melissa and I didn't really hear much cause we were trying to find our husbands. I really couldn't tell who was who, and Melissa was like
"I've never met James before, but I'm pretty sure he's the guy in the front that keeps looking at you."
LOL. Then the guys are dismissed and I have to put my shoes on cause they're too small and I had taken them off and I guess I was taking too long cause Melissa almost pushes me down the bleachers on her way to greet her hubby. James I think teleported to the top of the bleachers where I was cause I didn't even have both shoes on and he was up there.
AHEM. Fast forward to the next day. We spent the three hour ride home catching up, and the next few days rediscovering what features of one another we love (getting the kids off my hands) and just plain put up with (snoring!). It was great. He'll be home in a couple of weeks. He has to go learn how to be a sergeant. Woo hoo, finally a promotion!!!
We plan on going skiing when he gets back with Melissa and Paul. Well, the guys are going to ski. The wives will build snowmen safely at the safe bottom of the mountain. Should be nice and CCOOLLDD. I hope we plan on hot tubbing often.
****Notes From Mom****
I'm so proud of my naive firstborn..she doesn't know that "wine" that pops its cork is actually champagne.....(Luv, Mom)

Ok, like how was I supposed to know that?? It didn't say champagne on the bottle. Guess you have to "know your pinot noirs" to figure that one out!