Modern Day Jonah 2

Two or three hours out we start experiencing this horrible wobbling that only gets worse the further we go. So we pull over to see what's up, Zac tightens all four tires, and we start again. It's even worse; so much so that Zayden has discovered that when he jabbers his voice bounces and it sounds really funny, as do ours while we're trying to discuss what the problem could be.
Then..... *POP**WOOSH**!!!!
And Zac says, "I guess that's what the problem was."
I thought his wife was going to crack one over his head.
We all get out. Sure enough, the right rear tire is blown (the side I'm on.... coincidence? I think not). Zac and K start unburying the spare tire while I get on the phone to locate the nearest Discount Tire location. Yep, we're cheap and not ashamed to admit it!! Luckily there is one about thirty miles away. Zac finds the donut and puts it on, and now we have to find a spot for the busted tire! Geez!! While he is figuring that out, the rest of us are talking and joking and I say, "Maybe one of us isn't supposed to leave Texas, you know, like Jonah!"
We collectively decide it is K. I guess cause he was the youngest of the "adults." Yes, adults is in quotations for a reason!
Zac miraculously finds a spot for the tire in the trunk and now he has to put the puzzle pieces that are the rest of the luggage back together so that they will fit into the trunk. Whew!
So we get to DT, and we all (including Booger) go chill in the waiting area.
Thirty minutes later, we're on our way.
We arrive uneventfully, albeit numbly, in Shreveport and sneak Booger into the motel room (there's that cheapness again!) in a pillowcase. Then Zac's friend Kevin arrives, and we have a party. Not really. The guys went out to eat while Raysha and I put Zayden to bed.
They get back, and we're trying to figure out sleeping arrangements. Let me illustrate how it all panned out: Zac and Raysha slept on one bed. Kevin and K (unwillingly) share the other bed. I am on an air mattress shoved between the door, a desk, K&K's bed and a huge air conditioner. I thought it was going to burst. So we all drift off to sleep. Well, I was on my way when all of a sudden....
"ZAC ZAC ZAC OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH ZAC GET UP GET UP HE'S STUCK GET UP!!"
We all jump up, and Zac is between the beds doing this linebacker pose with his hands out to his sides, hopping to and fro saying "WHAT WHAT WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??!!"
Turns out Zayden had gotten stuck between the wall and the bed. No big emergency. Zayden gets rescued. All is well. I put down the dog and the laptop and crawl back into bed.
The next day we go our separate ways pretty uneventfully. That is, until I get home and Zac calls me. Kevin's car has just blown two tires.
I now had a strong suspicion someone wasn't meant to leave Texas. Probably K because he's the youngest. I mean really, coincidence? I think not!! I advise Zac to leave K on the side of the road once they get the tires fixed, I mean be nice and drop him off at McDonald's or something, but good grief!! Something's going on here!!
They finally make it home some three hours after they should have been home, and here my story ends.
It will be a LONG time before I go to Shreveport again.

Child Logic

The other day my darling daughter and I had this conversation:
"Mom. How come you have boobies and I don't?"
"Well, when you get older you'll go through puberty and then you will get them."
"Oh. What are boobies for?"
"When you have a baby in your tummy your boobs produce milk so you can feed the baby after it is born."
"Your boobs have milk in them?"
"No, it only happens when you have a baby in your tummy."
"Oh. What's in them right now?"
"Nothing. It's just skin and fat."
"Oh."
Later that night, Caleb and I have this endearing conversation:
---pokes me in the boob--
"Boobies!!"
"Yes. Don't poke them."
"Is there milk in there?"
"Nope, not anymore."
"Just fat?"
"Yeah."
"Like your tummy?"
Ggrrr...

Death By No Diet

After much thought I have concluded that I will die, or at least lose my right foot, if I do not start dieting. Let me elaborate.
We were in Wal-mart the other day, and James made the mistake of taking a short cut through the ice cream isle. In moments I was drooling onto the window showcasing the Ben and Jerry's ice cream. So we decided to get some. James picks New York Super Fudge Chunk and I pick Peanut Butter Cup. When I retrieve them, my pint slips through my fingers (surprise surprise) and falls right on the top of my foot! Oouucchh! Now I have a big nasty bruise on my foot that still hurts.
You know what creeps me out? This is the second time it has happened! Same store, same flavor, same foot! If I drop another one on there I think it may burst a vein and blood will flow out and corrode my muscles and they'll have to amputate it. Ok, I'm a little dramatic.
But get this.
I get a hankering for a Starbucks Frappuccino, so on the way home I ask James to stop by there. This one is in a shopping strip and doesn't have a drive-thru so I have to haul my fat self across the parking lot. I get my venti frap and while walking towards the car I almost get hit my this huge truck! Geez! Can't that kid see I'm enjoying my 2500 calories??
Thus, my conclusion.
I will die or lose a foot if I do not start dieting.
Or I could sit at home and have James bring me my B&J's and frapps. Hrmmm....

Swimming With The B's

Here I am again! I never seem to go away, do I? I haven't been writing because the pool at our apartment complex finally opened up! Woo hoo! The kids and I have been swimming almost every day. It's very good exercise, when you don't cancel it out with a Big Mac and jumbo fries! I PROMISE I will do my Pilates tomorrow, flabby abby, I promise.
Anyway, the B family went swimming the other night and I thought I'd blog about it.
First, I had to find a bathing suit. (dum dum DUM)
Off to Walmart I go. Fortunately I didn't have the kids that week. I go to the fat woman section and start browsing. I have already decided the bikini went out with my first child's birth, and tankinis are just too short, they roll up over my belly. So I am reduced to a one-piece. I find a really cute black one with a gold ring between the "boobies". PLUS, it has tummy comtrol! Yeah! So I grab a 1X and head to the fitting room.
No go. I'm jumping and grunting and pulling and it's just not going over my stomach.
Head back out. Search and search and finally find a 3X. Here we go again.
This time, it's so big my boobs keep falling out, and I actually feel skinny! But alas, it doesn't fit. Figures. I finally find the perfect bathing suit and they don't have my size.
On the off chance, I go looking for a 2X. Surely they won't have one, I say to myself. I'm working myself up for a disappointment.
But there... in the dark chasm of the flipped-off-the-hanger-don't-have-time-to-put-it-back-on vacuum of forgotten bathing suits.... I see a glimmer of gold....
No. It can't be. But as I reach in and grab it, bringing it slowly up, the fluorescent lights make the gold ring flicker so beautifully, and I know. I just know.
Tepidly I find the tag.... and there it is, in bold black letters: 2X!!
Woo hoo!!!
It's funny when James gets home that night. I'm sitting on the couch when he walks in. I casually inform him I went bathing suit shopping. I see his eyes get big and he slowly backs towards the door he just entered.
"No, it's ok babe. I found the perfect one!"
We celebrated by buying 6 pints of Ben and Jerry's.
Anyway, the B family went swimming the other night and I thought I'd blog about it.
James swims for about 10 minutes then vegetates in the hot tub for the rest of the hour or so. I can't really blame him, I mean he does work all day in the blistering heat... but c'mon! Your wife is in a smoking hot bathing suit, the kids are occupied and you want to SIT THERE?!! Whatever.
I, on the other hand, love water. Rain, puddles, swimming pools, love it. This pool happens to have three shower head thingies that "rain" into the pool. So I swim about and then stand autistically under the rain for 45 minutes. Love it.
Lily runs and jumps into the pool, oh, a million times. Every time we are obliged to watch her do this! but the jump never changes. Oh! She did add a spin once.
Caleb likes to spin around as much as I like water. When he gets tired, frustrated or mad he gets on his Sit-N-Spin and away he goes. He's been known to spin himself to sleep or throw up and jump back on it again.
Can you guess what he's doing in the pool?
Yup. Spinning. The whole time. And when one of us gets into his "spinning zone" he lashes out with a scream and a few kicks.
So there we are.
ZZZZZZ (asleep in the hot tub)
Ooohhhh... rain.....
"WATCH THIS MOM CAN YOU SEE ME ARE YOU WATCHING WATCH ME MOM LOOK!!!"
Spin. Spin. Spin. Spin.

Miscellany 2

I found a banana in the peanut butter jar the other day. Apparently Caleb had tried dipping the banana into the peanut butter, it didn't work, so he shoved it all in there, closed it and put it back into the pantry.

We were in the car coming home from picking up Lily from school and she was shaking her Weekly Reader very annoyingly. When I asked her to stop, she said "Mom! I'm trying to make a movie!"

The kids are at Nana's house for a week! Woo hoo! James was also off yesterday for Memorial Day, so we spent all day eating four different flavors of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and watching the first season of My Name Is Earl. Today James is out of town over night at his job (boo!), so here is how I've kept myself occupied:
1. Woke up at 10 and ate Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream for breakfast.
2. Surfed the Internet for 3 hours.
3. Went to the bank.
4. Worked on a puzzle to build my brain muscles for 2 hours.
5. Ate strawberries and corn flakes for lunch.
6. Took a nap.
7. Considered doing the laundry, but nah, hopped back online instead.
I miss the kids, but man do I like to sleep in and not have to negate arguments all day!

New Pets

It has come to my attention recently that staying at home caring for two young children can be monotonous and boring. I have had pets all of my life, and so have my kids mostly. We were all getting "pet lonely" because our apartment requires a $400 deposit to have a pet. Boo!
The other day we received in the mail a check for past child support (I know! I almost fell into my new garden in shock!) and I decided to get the kids and myself a pet.
So off to the pet store we went.
Caleb wanted a hairless rat. Ewww, no.
Lily wanted a chinchilla. This girl is gonna be high maintenance, I can tell.
Then I saw the guinea pigs. I asked the pet store lady about them. She said yeah, they're great for kids, very tame, make cute noises, eat out of your hand, easy to maintain, etc. I told her once we had two hamsters, but one was accidentaly dropped and, you know.
So we became the proud owners of a guinea pig named Lenny.
As we were leaving, Lily carrying the animal box, she leans over her shoulder and shouts "I promise I won't kill this one!" You should have seen the looks of pity Lenny recieved.
We took him home, set up his cage, and watched him run into his box. And never come out.
I've caught him a few times and the kids and I have held him, even fed him little treats.
But other than that, he sits still in your lap, or runs into his box and hides.
This guinea pig isn't living up to the cute pet I had envisioned! Not even one cute noise!
I am determined, though.
Today I was in the kitchen washing dishes and the phone rang. I guess it scared Lenny because he made a chirping noise. His first word! Awww!
This will take time, but I think he will be a good pet.

This weekend we also acquired two baby red eared slider turtles. They are so funny! We just lay there and watch them chase each other, look at us, climb on top of each other trying to get out of the aquarium; they even eat funny. I'm kinda liking them, and James is too. He won't admit it, but he's a sucker for animals.

Oh. We caught a caterpillar outside and the kids wanted to keep it in a box to watch it morph into a butterfly (why did I have to open my big mouth?). So we put it into a box with leaves and branches and stuff. It was dead five hours later. Oh well.

Evil Bank Tellers

Do you remember the days when your parents went to the bank drive thru and you got all excited because you knew the person at the other end of that vacuum tube was going to send out suckers for the kids? Your mouth would water just waiting in line for your parents to do whatever they did with their money that didn't grow on trees, and by the time the suckers came you could already hear the crackle of the wrapper coming off that delicious sucker.
My question is, why don't they send out suckers any more?
You know they have the money to buy them. Seriously, how much does a bag of suckers cost? Not much at Dollar General. There's gotta be some petty cash around there somewhere. And, how many people actually dare to take two toddlers with them to the drive thru (besides me)? Do they not send suckers to see the parents' faces fall when they realize the snotty bank teller has not sent suckers to temporarily pacify their screaming children? Are they trying to lose customers?
C'mon people. Think of the kids!

One Year Anniversary

I just realized that March 12 was this blogs' one year anniversary, which is saying something because I have never kept a journal/diary/kill and or maim list for more than a week. I'm surprised I've kept my husband for as long as I have. To celebrate, I have composed a list of facts about yours truly because most of this blog is about the kids, and well, it's my turn!!

1. I'm almost finished reading the entire Bible.

2. I like to read, even though I rarely get the chance.

3. I believe in spirits, though I've yet to see one. But there was this one time when I kept feeling a presence run into my room and stop at the foot of my bed and "watch" me.

4. I have had dreams of events happening years before they happen. Like the house we moved into when I was 15; I had dreamed about it two years before. It looked exactly the way it did in the dream.

5. I have deja vu often, mainly about trivial stuff like James and I getting into a fight or getting a phone call at a certain time of day.

6. Therefore, I believe in people who have an ability to "feel" certain places and what might have happened there, but I believe it is a talent from God and He severely limits it. I believe it's not anything particularly paranormal, but simply God allowing us to use different parts of the brain together or separately. I don't believe in palmists, future-seers, mystic ball readers and those kooks at the end of those 900 numbers.

7. I like to think complicatedly and ponder things that most people don't get when I try to explain it to them.

8. I like to see things accomplished in an orderly, manner, i.e. laundry (washing, drying, folding, putting away), dishes (same), vacuuming, getting the kids up and dressed, etc. I like to do those chores myself not to get them done, but because it satisfies a certain OCD part of me.

9. I have a sequence I follow while showering, and not much interferes with it. I shave one body part every three days; hardly ever do I shave all parts of my body in one shower session.

10. I like the sound of someone typing, James playing his guitar, running water, wind chimes, and silence.

11. I like office supplies; paper, pens, spirals, binders, envelopes, markers, stamps, etc. I will often rifle the office supply isle at Wal-Mart just to look at the stuff. I like the smell of paper, erasers, new tires and new swim floats.

12. I hate the sound of someone rubbing the feet on the carpet, gulping, slurping, smacking, and any repeated nuance coming from a toy.

13. I have started several stories but never finished them, including six or so autobiographies.

14. I know I want to go to college, but not what for. I would like to work with finance but I don't really like numbers and math. I thought about psychology but I really don't want to hear about other people's problems. I would like to study the brain, but it's too complex.

15. The left side of my body is smaller then the right.

16. I taught myself to type by memorizing where the keys are, not by putting my hands on the keyboard in a sequential order and remembering "N is to the bottom left of J, which is under my right index finger."

17. Yeah, not many people know what I'm talking about.

18. I like to sleep, and for me to sleep well I have to be in total darkness with a fan being the only sound I hear.

19. I keep my nails short because if they are long, I am obsessed with keeping them clean and it starts to really irritate me.

20. I think a certain connection is formed in utero between a mother and her child, and men are just SOL.

****Notes From Mom****
Number 7 is true. Most of the time when you try to explain something, I'm thinking "What planet is she from?" But I often think that about Taryn too. Zac I understand. I may not agree, but I understand.

Mother's Day 2007

My Mom
By: Lily

My mom has white hair and blue eyes.
She is 12 feet tall and weighs 50 pounds.
My mom likes to wash dishes.
My mom is happy when we help her with the dishes.
My mom's favorite TV show is Scooby Doo and Princesses.
My mom is very smart. She knows all about me and my brother.
My mom likes to eat broccoli, meat and mashed potatoes.
It really bugs my mom when we do stuff wrong.
If my mom could have one wish come true, it would be for Jesus to make the kids be good.
My mom is special because she makes cookies.

Those Genes Look Good On You! 2

I had Lily's parent-teacher conference the other day. Her teacher commented that "Lily is the most interesting student I've had in a long time!" You should have to raise her, lady. You have NO IDEA. Trust me. Apparently when Lily transferred to her new class, she already knew all the stuff her new teacher was teaching the rest of the class, so Lily has been a little bored. They draw in a journal every day (I'll post pictures up later, she wouldn't let me take the journal, something about waiting until the end of the year, I think she just wanted it for herself, give it back!!) and Lily draws in 3-D, which her teacher said is very unusual. She also draws depth and draws letters in block form, also very unusual. But what was really cool was Lily scored a 676 on the STAR Early Literacy test, while the rest of her class scored in the 300-500 range. Whoop whoop!
This all brings me to questions like....
How do you raise an overly smart kid?
How do you keep them busy?
Do you follow their lead?
So she really does understand the Spanish she's been jibbering?
Is that why she's been hel! on wheels since the day she was born?
Did those falls off the bed when she was little have anything to do with it?
Can she get a job now?
Uhhhggg. This is all kind of overwhelming. But I do want to give a shout out to Nana who starting teaching her the ABC's at the age of 2. Kudos!

A Little Miscellany

I woke up a couple of mornings ago and found a whole roll of toilet paper unrolled into a half-filled tub of water. Apparently the kids had tried to take a bath but couldn't find the stopper, so they plugged the drain with the only sensible thing they could think of. (If it stops up the toilet, perhaps it will stop up this drain! We are geniuses!) So I spent the morning digging soggy TP out of a nasty drain, then I had to plunge it because some of it was still out of reach. Okay, I just didn't want to stick my finger in that far. So sue me! Caleb has also discovered the absolute joy that comes from pouring cups of water onto his foam mattress until it is thoroughly soaked and I have to drag it onto the porch to dry all day. The only reason that kid still has a butt is because his dad gets home at 4:30.

I have gotten tired of rinsing out sharted underwear, and have been trying to figure out a way to get out of this duty. I can't keep a pull-up on him because he uses it like a diaper and I'm back to square one changing him all day. Plain underwear is sharted in on an average of every 45 minutes. (In case you're wondering, "shart" is when you sh*t and fart at the same time.) Then it came to me....
MAXI PADS!!!
I can just yank it out and replace it when it gets sharted on! Awesome!
So I get out my Kotex and put one on him, and it goes literally from his belly button to his lower back. I am a genius! All day went well, with the pad not sharted on, until we go to get him dressed for bed.
"Uh, babe?"
"Yeah."
"Is my son wearing a, uh, pad?"
"Yes he is."
"Umm.... ok."
James is so good about going along with my experiments, although realizing his son wore his sister's shoes, had pink toenails courtesy of Nana, found an old purse of mine that he liked AND was wearing a maxi pad all day probably hit him a little below the belt. Poor guy.
Back to the pad. Caleb had peed in it. A good quart or so, which means he used the pad all day like a pull-up/diaper. Square one again.
And then it hit me...
PANTYLINER!!
Shorter, but still there to do it's job, it just might work....
I've given up on potty training for a while. Peeing is down, but pooing just isn't. He's started doing the poopy dance again, which is good, but when I sit him on the toilet he cries and carries on but doesn't poop. I've tried eveything. Candy, cookies, trips to the park, a new toy, horror stories about constipation, nothing works! And I'm tired. So, Daddy has poo duty for a while. He's even tried the you-need-to-feed-the-toilet story, I know it's so gross, but so far nothing.

James and I started a garden yesterday. I now have 18 plants at my mercy. Oh, and I found out yesterday that all 18 are annuals, meaning they don't last more than a year. I'll have to dig them up next year and replant them. Ggrrrr.

Conversation With My Body

Body: "Um excuse me, are you busy?"
Brain: "Why no, can I help you?"
Body: "Gee, I hope so. Uh, what is this?"
Brain: "What is what?"
Body: "You see that blob of orange mush over there in my stomach? What is that?"
Brain: "Oh, that would be a carrot."
Body: "A what?"
Brain: "A carrot. You know, the vegetable."
Body: "Dude, we haven't had a vegetable since we were seven. What's up with that?"
Brain: "Well you see, lately there has been a lot of fat lying around, metabolism isn't doing it's job too well, and let's face it, you're having trouble getting up the stairs in one piece."
Body: "Oop! That is not true! How dare you say that!"
Brain: "How often do you bring your clothes downstairs so you won't have to go back upstairs to get dressed?"
Body: "That's just good conservation technique."
Brain: "Yeah right."
Body: "Aahh!! What's that??"
Brain: "Looks like more carrot."
Body: "You can't do this to me!! No fair!!"
Brain: "Get used to a lot more vegetables AND fruits AND exercise. Need to get this fat moving around here!"
Body: "EXERCISE?? No, no I can't. I went for the water thing but I absolutely cannot do exercise. Nope."
Brain: "I have to get the fat moving because it's taking a toll on emotions and self-esteem. You're not doing a quick enough evacuation job."
Body: "Yes, I... I mean... I'm just pacing myself!!"
Brain: "Three years? That's called procrastination."
Body: "Pacing! Not procrastination!"
Brain: "Whatever."
Body: "Please! I swear, I'll.... I'll make you pay for this!"
Brain: "Really."
Body: "Yeah! You better watch your back, cause here comes a big... big COLD or something!"
Brain: "Careful, my pet. I can cut the oxygen supply real quick."
Body: "You... you wouldn't dare!!"
Brain: "Try me."
Body: "You're mean! You're... CRAZY!!"
Brain: "Just get that fat moving."
Body: "CRAZY! CRAZY!!"

That Holy Feeling 3..... And Then Some

Okay. So we've gotten moved far far away. Getting settled into a new routine, one of which is going from $2800 per month salary to $1600 a month. Yeah. So, we're trying to conserve whatever we can, cut whatever corners we can.
One biggie has been electricity, because with the summer starting I have this anal fear of a $400 electric bill. These last couple of days haven't been scorchers, but they haven't been pleasant either, at 69% humidity. Plus, our room is upstairs. I finally relented and let James turn on the air for a few minutes in the evening so he can get to sleep.
Yesterday, it was soooo muggy and hot I finally said to myself, Screw it! Turn on the air. God will provide for us. So I turned the air on. And guess what?
James came home that evening and announced he was getting a $2 raise!! Whoop whoop!! Hallelujah!!

Last week we went fishing with the kids at the local pond. We used corn and caught small perch, which wasn't much but the kids loved it! So did James; he's such a kid. When they caught one, we would all gather around and feel it's scales, etc. Well, they did. I don't do scales. Then the kid who caught the fish got to throw it back. A few days later we were driving somewhere and Lily saw that Caleb had a scab on his knee and said it looked like scales, to which Caleb replied,
"Well, I guess you haffa frow me back."

Today while leaving Walmart after another grand adventure, Lily asks me,
"Mom? How's it going?"
Are you kidding?? You escaped from the cart, terrorized the lobster, poked holes in packages of meat, picked up every box of cereal on the aisle wanting to (loudly) buy it, and added various items to the basket which weren't noticed until we enter the checkout line. (I SWEAR I didn't put those magnum condoms in there.... poor cashier.)

Last night James and the kids made cookies. He bought some pre-made dough and the kids helped him put it on the cookie sheets. When they were done I learned James had used the ice cream scoop to spoon the cookie dough, leading to the creation of brown-on-the-outside, gooey-on-the-inside monstrosities. They loved them. Yuck!!

We've been trying to teach the kids more bedtime songs because I'm getting tired of singing the same two over and over again. Last night we taught them "This Little Light Of Mine" and "I've Got The Joy, Joy, Joy." Caleb's rendition:
"Dis little life off mine
I'm gonna let it thine
Dis little life off mine
I'm gonna let it thine
Let it thine Lord let it thine"

Potty training is regressing. Caleb has stopped doing the poop dance, so I can't really tell when he needs to go #2 anymore. We've been changing pull-ups now for about a week, because rinsing out skidded underwear is SO not my thing. James was changing Caleb last night and Caleb kept swinging his legs around, and finally James said "If you don't quit I'm gonna lite your butt up!" to which Caleb replied "But ders no fire in der!"

Miscellany

I think these are self-explanatory.
The first picture pretty much sums up my day yesterday when Caleb was on a terror. Where do I start? First, we went to Wal-mart, where he immediately announced "I gotta go potty!!" He has to go potty every. place. we. go. No kidding. Church, McDonald's, a friend's house, wherever it is he has to mark his territory I guess. Anyway, we get to the check out where he starts with the I-want-candy routine. After repeatedly telling him no, he takes his hand and swipes five boxes of candy onto the floor. Where did I get this demon child? So we make it to the register where he picks up the debit card pen-pad thingy and starts scribbling away. So I push him down a little further. There he reaches down and spins the plastic bag holder thingy while the cashier is putting stuff in a bag and slings my deodorant a good seven feet, where a kindly old lady picks it up. So I push him FURTHER towards the nail manicure place, and I guess the acrylic burned what be-good brain cells he had left cause the rest of my day was shot.
So we go get Lily and head home, and he falls asleep. When he wakes up I am in the shower, so I jump out and change him because he's peed his underwear (I was NOT going to wake him up to put a pull-up on him). Then I go back upstairs to get dressed. In those two minutes he empties two cups of marshmallows into a bowl, added water and a cup of sugar, and has placed it on his bedroom floor. So I pick up the bowl and discover sugar water all over the carpet, which has since made a sticky spot even though I cleaned it up. He also has sugar paste on his face and hair.
So I put him in the bathtub and go find my cell phone because right about now I need a drinking buddy. I go back about five minutes later and there's five gallons of bathwater on the floor. SO I get him out and dressed and make him help me clean THAT up. Then we all go upstairs because I need to get online but I want to keep an eye on them. They get out hot pink highlighters and paper and start to draw. The next thing I know, there are lovely pink swirls on my WHITE CARPET and bed sheets. Ggrrrr.
So I send them downstairs where he finds two plastic pots and starts banging them together relentlessly. SO I take those away. Now you may be asking why I haven't shoved them outside and locked the door. It was cold, and they both have a runny nose, and well I'm not THAT mean. Actually, I haven't located a suitable pediatrician yet.
Then Daddy gets home. YAY!! Everything gets better for a while. We go to Office Depot and James is looking for a card reader of some type, and the guy that comes to help us has a black patch over his eye. And of course, Lily says "Mom! Is he a PIRATE??"
So we went to look for green paper.
While carrying Caleb inside, he looks up and says "Mom, the stars are open! Look Mom!"
How cute.

The Pretty And The.... Not So Pretty

First, the pretty......

These are on the side of the road EVERYWHERE. In town, out of town, it looks like the giant momma bluebonnet threw up. Really pretty.

Now, the not so pretty.....

Well, she's pretty, but her hair is not.
"Everyone at school loved it, but they said I need to go see a hairdresser."
Indeed.

Oh The Insanity

Caleb is potty training. We've got peeing down, and pooping is coming along nicely. We're still working on "shaking it" after he finishes so his underwear aren't soaked by the end of the day. Plus, he was smelling like a vagrant. Oh, and "keeping it down." I love sitting on a wet toilet seat. Some cute quotes from our potty training:
"But I'm tired of dith poopin!"
"I gotta go to da bafroom! Turnnaround! Don't watch me!"
"It won't come out." --while looking at "it" and shaking "it"
"Da poopin and da pee peein will make me big and thtrong?"

Lily was making a pizza tonight, and i was telling her what buttons to push on the microwave. When I said start, she said
"Does it start with a S and a T and a A and a R and a T again?"
I love preschool.

This Is A Test Of The Emergency Hormonal System....

So James comes home this weekend and finds me gagging into a trashcan, which I have been doing for about 12 days now, as well as being moody and sleeping a lot. And suddenly it hits me.
"You think you might be pregnant?" I ask myself.
I know I didn't just say the "P" word.
So I catapult off the bed and grab my handy dandy calendar that I have been keeping for Provera (beating my cycles into normal, 28 day, moderate bleeding submission) purposes, and my heart drops about five feet.
THREE
DAYS
LATE.
I've been like clockwork
SINCE
JANUARY.
No. Oh no. NO NO NO. Do you hear me, uterus? I SAID NO. I thought you got the hint when the doctor singed your tubes and clamped them shut. 99.99% effective in preventing pregnancy. Look, here's the pamphlet. LOOK, YOU MORONIC UTERUS. THIS says NO, and I say NO.
She laughed at me.
So after I scraped myself off the floor and started breathing again, I calmly (HYPERVENTILATINGLY) informed James that (YOU BASTARD WITH THE SUPERSONIC SPERM, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!) we were in a predicament.
No. I just have a stomach bug. Really. REALLY.
But the next day, after chugging a half bottle of Pepto Bismol for nausea and almost throwing up at the sight of my once beloved ice cream, I decided maybe we should get a test. Just to ease my mind because James is clearly elated. He agrees with me that we want no more children, this would be devastating, kids are expensive, I can't handle three kids James I can't it's not going to happen, but he's glowing. HE wants a football team. I want my sanity.
So we buy one. And I do my thing.
And it's NEGATIVE.
You stupid gelatinous *$#^%!! Next time you do a hormonal test check-up, let me know!! That was NOT funny! Stupid.
Turns out it was a bug, because James has it now. And ole Aunt Flo made her debut yesterday. Stupid hormones.

Update..... Uh, 3?

WELL.....
We're moving in about four days. To another part of Texas, the pretty part. East Texas. They have GRASS. REAL GRASS. James got a job up there; now he's an electrician. Marine, corrections officer, husband, father, manufacturer, water piper, firefighter, Guardsman, and now electrican. Whoo. I've only ever been a cashier, mother, wife, complaint recepient and DQ queen. The move seems liketa pretty solid idea.... that is, if you can get past these facts:

1. I am moving very far away from my mom, dad, grandparents, in-laws, and children. (What? I have to take them with me? Crap.) I've never lived more than 30 miles from any of them. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I guess I'll have to "grow up" and tough it out. Crap.

2. I'm moving away from my babies!!

The first is my nephew Zayden. The second is my friend Lydia's babies, Laylah and Justice. I see these three weekly, if not daily. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I guess I'll have to scout our new apartment complex for new or expecting mothers. (Hey! Hey you! Can I hold your baby? Please? Just for a minute? I'm having baby withdrawal!!)

3. James is considered contracted labor. Translation: we (meaning I) have to deduct our own taxes. And, he doesn't get paid overtime. AND, he'll be getting at least 5 hours overtime a week. But he does get paid weekly, which is cool.

4. Our insurance is going up $20 a month. Rent is going up $285. We have to switch from Verizon to AT&T, always stressful. But our electricity rate is going down, water will be paid, and the city tax is lower, so I guess it evened out. Plus, they have GRASS.

5. Lily will be tranferring mid-year. Pre-k should be no big year, right? Whatever, she's leaving all her friends behind! Plus, the kids (and I) will be going through Nana and PaPa withdrawal for the first three weeks, which means I may pick up my half-gallon-of-ice-cream-a-day habit again. Crap.

6. While going through said withdrawal, I will have to be constantly reminding my mother and mother-in-law that children must be set free to roam the earth with their heathen, dirty, screaming children. Please (DON'T) start unpacking, (DON'T) unload the car, and try to (GET HERE AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE) relax and think of the (INTENSE RELIEF YOU WILL BE GIVING ME AND YOURSELF) long term affects of your hasty decisions based solely on (MY INABILITY TO FUNCTION, WHY OH WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?!!) emotion.

7. I have to leave my cat. Yes, the psycho one. But I love her dearly. How I will miss our bathroom showdowns and butt attacks. Crap.

Our Story

www.ourstory.com

I found this pretty cool website. You create a page about yourself by answering a jillion questions. Then your family and friends can log on and spend hours reading about you. Here's some I'll share with you:

>>How did you first get the news that a new baby would soon join your life?
How did I get the news? How does anyone?? I peed on a freaking stick!! With Lily I was in the bathroom at school, and my first thought was OH SHAT. Caleb was planned, so I was pretty excited.

>>How did you respond when you first heard that you were expecting a baby?
Lily: OH CRAP. He said he got kicked in the balls and couldn't have kids!! WTF?!! Liar! Liar! Look at the stick, you moron! Two pink lines not one!! Stupid! Look!!
Caleb: Yay!!! What a great wedding present! Now he's really stuck with me for life!!

>>How did you and your partner meet, fall in love, and take the first steps that led to this new baby?
Oh gosh. What steps did we take?? Are you serious??

>>Did your baby "happen" easily, or did it take some work to bring him or her into your life?
You people have me ROLLING!! Um.... Lily only took three months and endless bottles of liquor. So I guess she "happened" relatively easily. Caleb came just four weeks after a miscarriage. Eager little fellow, eh? So I guess he was an easy baby too, though with both I didn't do much work. Isn't that "his" job?

>>What musical, artistic, or other self-expressive talents emerged during your teenage years?
I liked (and still do like) to write. I would write some pretty creepy stuff and then end up burning it. I've started about 30 journals, including food journals, and have never gotten past the first week. Oh, and in my freshman year me and three of my friends tried to be witches. You know, candles and crap. Does that count as artistic? Maybe more like self-expressive....

>>For professional recordkeeping, list the details of your job title, the company you work for, your manager, and the duration of your employment in this role.
Title: Mommy
Company: Oops I Did It Again, Inc.
Manager: God, husband, in-laws, mom and granny.
Duration of Job: FFOORREEVVEERR!!
Job Duties: short order cook, poop cleaner, dish washer, clothes washer, bather, wiper, potty trainer, chaperone, negotiator, interpreter, lost items retrieval, walmart marathon shopper, checkbook balancer, dresser, cat rescuer.

>>Name and provide titles and roles for any employees or assistants that you manage or supervise.
I have one assistant, his name is James. He moonlights as a husband. He performs the duties previously listed if I am doing more than three things at one time. Doesn't need much supervision, requires menial wages (namely anything lacey or "hands on"), and will eat almost anything. Has been an asset to the company for three years now.

I've Been Blond Since Birth

Recently I took a quiz to see if I was dumb. If I scored an 18 or below, I'm smart. I scored 18. On the verge of stupidity. This is what my mom wrote when I sent my quiz results to her:

I was hoping that they would ask "Have you ever swallowed your gum and choked on it while being baptized which made you lose your footing and fall farther under water and flail your arms trying to stand back up while the preacher is trying to help you?"...memories... Luv, Mom

Yes. I was chewing gum during my baptism. So sue me, I'm blond. I guarantee I made some people smile that day, the Good Lord included. I think that's why He made me the way I am. For a good laugh or two. Oh, and once when I was 8 months pregnant I fell off the back porch steps and got myself wedged between the bottom step and my dad's truck. I never knew my dad could exit a car that quickly.

On another note, I started my diet again today. Seriously. Yesterday Lily said "Mom, if you have a big tummy why don't you just have a baby in there?" Ggrrr. I saw James cringe and back away instantly. There's just some things you don't say to Mommy.

Oh The Chaos

This weekend we went to Ennis, Tx. THE LONGEST FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE. Oh, the DVD player helped a little, but after 3 movies it gets really hot and I didn't want to catch anything on fire, as enticing as it sounded (that was for you Taryn). So we get there, and our friend have 4 kids. I mean I knew this before we went and I had prepared myself, but geez Louise! They weren't annoying or anything, I guess cause they're not mine, but after this weekend I'm considering getting my tubes tied. Again. Just to be sure. I don't know how they do it! They have a pretty good system going, bath time and dinner go smooth. They even go to bed at 8!! Wow! That's accomplishment right there folks. All four, pow, asleep. And I didn't see any Benadryl use to boot. They're my heroes. You know what's bad? We all went bowling and MY kid is the one who kept running away! I swear theirs stayed in one place and bowled, but mine? Nope. Caleb sprinted across the bowling lanes twice and the table area thrice. You can imagine how we looked when their four kids are being good and my ONE KID is being.... not good!! I was so embarrassed. What was even funnier was the kids got higher scores than some of the adults! It was great. Like hanging out with a daycare all weekend.

Those Genes Look Good On You!

Caleb talks to himself. A lot. Maybe not abnormally a lot, but we're getting close. He talks mostly when he's playing by himself, and the conversation (can you call it that?) goes something like this:

Boom Boom Boom
Hear that?
Boom Boom
I see da dinosaur!
Run! Run!
Here he comes!
Run!
AAAAHHHHH!! He's gonna get me!!! AAAHHHH!!
He got me!! AAAHHHH!!
Chomp Chomp Chomp
He got you! Run, run!

So cute, huh? I pondered whether this kind of talking is healthy, so I tried to focus on playing with him more, but he just tells me to go away. So sweet. I've discovered where he gets it from though. His father. Here's a clip from James' conversation while he's on the computer:

Humming a song
I wonder where I could find.....
Oh, okay.
Wow! Look you can build it all right here!
Fire course, leadership course.....
Where's the.....
Here it is.
Hey wait a minute......
Oh! Go back......
WHERE DID IT GO?
Crap.
Wait, maybe it's.....
No, it's not there.
But why is it?........
Crap crap crap!
Oh! I see! Hey babe, look at.......
Where do I......
Oh here we go. Bookmark it.
Ok, now what else.....
Oh yeah, a new truck.....

At least Caleb finishes his sentences. Good grief. I guess what bothers me the most is that I never know when he's talking to me or himself.
One more gripe:
There's something terribly wrong when I have to take hits off the air freshener every time he "drops the kids off at the pool." Am I right?

Uh..... Ahem.

Imagine with me now.....
Your husband is gone for a year on deployment
It's his first evening back
The kids aren't at home
Hormones are raging
You both start stripping
And BAM!! You see these.....

Yeah. Talk about a deal breaker.

P.S. They're not dirty! You people are gross! It's the fact that they are military issued poop-brown tighty whities that turned me off!

Prayers And Other Things

Prayers last night.......
Caleb (covering his eyes): Jesus, thank you for food. Amen.
Lily: Jesus loves the little children, and He gives us food. We're going to get Daddy tomorrow. I hope I get to go to Pa Pa and Nana's house tomorrow. (Mom, stop laughing.) There is food for everyone, and it's cold outside tonight. Jesus is good and kind (Mom! I'm praying! Stop laughing!) and He loves you and me. I like my school and all my friends (MOM!! Stop laughing!) and my teacher. And I mind really well. Jesus Christ, amen.
I was laughing because throughout her whole prayer she was farting! Big girl farts! I know the Lord was giggling too.

Today I went to wipe some spaghetti sauce off Lily's face the old fashioned mom way (spit and thumb) when she noticed my tongue ring and asked me to open my mouth, so I did.
"Oh Mom, that..... that's wonderful!"
Then Caleb came over, and they asked me to take it out. So while I was unscrewing the ring both the kids were sticking their tongues out and chewing them and stuff, like people who move their mouths when you're talking to them. Caleb said "Ewww, a hole!" and Lily said "Wow! Can I stick my finger in there?" It was funny.

Caleb has started taking off his dirty diaper and rubbing the contents on the couch. EEWWW!! Thank goodness we bought leather. I can just wipe it off. But it's still nasty. Mom suggested making him clean it off, which I think would make a bigger mess than it is originally. (Translation: Poop on fingers. Poop on hands. Poop in hair. Poop prints on the wall. Poop on the cat (try catching a poop-covered cat and washing her off.... yeah right). Poop footprints, just for the sake of experimentation. Need I continue?)

I tried waxing my eyebrows with pre-cut, pre-waxed strips, to help me achieve PERFECTLY SHAPED EYEBROWS EVERY TIME, GUARANTEED!!!! So I washed my eyebrows, dried them, applied the top strip, rubbed, and yanked it off. A little sting, not bad. Had to do it three times to get all the hair, but still worked ok. Same with the other side. Then I got to the bottom, you know underneath? I thought I had a pretty high pain tolerance, but I guess not, cause when I ripped off the top layer of my upper eyelid IT HURT. WTF, WHO INVENTED THESE RETCHED THINGS??!!! But I had to do the other one cause I knew I wouldn't be able to pluck the other side and make it match the one I just did. So with a little self-psyching and promises of chocolate, I did it. Thank goodness it got all the hair off in one strip cause I was NOT gonna do that again. I think I'll go back to plucking.

I bought a couple of yoga/Pilate's DVDs at Walmart the other day. I've never done yoga, so I tried it yesterday. I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing, like stretching and breathing and meditation? NOOOO. The stretching stuff was ok, though that lady could do some stuff I haven't seen in even the most ancient Kama Sutra books, like stand on the palms f her hands without bending her knees. That's not normal.
"Just reeeeach over and grab your ankles, or calves or wherever you feel comfortable putting your hands...."
How about on my thighs?
"If you can, just laaaay your lower arms and head on the floor and breathe deeply, in and out, nice and relaxed...."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
I bet that woman could see her ovaries if she was naked.
But alas, I want to be more flexible and toned, so I will try again on Monday. I don't sweat on weekends, plus James is coming home on a three day pass today, which means he's on poop duty, and I can concentrate on other things, like spending money.

Some Funny Stuff

Conversation I had with Caleb today:

"Sissy a girl!"
"Good! What are you?"
"A Caleb!"
"But are you a boy or a girl?"
"I a boy!"
"Good! What makes a girl different than a boy?"
"Da colors."
"The colors? What colors?"
"Da blue and da pink."
"The blue and the pink?"
"Yeah. Da blue for da boys and da pink for da girls!"

Prayers tonight:

Lily: "Dear God, We can move anywhere you say when Daddy gets back. Thank you for these people and our food. Amen. Jesus Christ."
Caleb: "Dear Jesus loves da little children. Momma and Daddy give me food. Thank you for da food. Daddy coming home. Jesus."
Amen!

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Dying

Dear Body,
It seems you and I have come to the same crossroads as the cat and I. Now I know I've done some pretty bad things that you may hold a grudge for, like getting pregnant at 17, Butterfingers, some drug use, ice cream, odd piercings, Cheetos, a second pregnancy..... I know, I KNOW. But good grief, this tops them all! WHY OH WHY must we have the flu AND menstruate at the SAME TIME?!!! Wouldn't it be easier to take things one by one? I mean, you've been barraging me for the last three months with menstrual issues, so I figured that when I got the flu you'd keep yourself occupied in THAT area and kinda forget about that OTHER area. You know, get yourself well before waging another war? This is not fun. Can't we work something out? Write back soon.
Talia

Letter To My Cat

Dear Psycho Cat:
I love you. I think you're pretty neat. You keep me company when my husband is away and my kids are asleep. However, I have developed a list of things we need to work on in order to coexist peacefully.
1. I know sometimes you have bowel problems. I understand, I get them sometimes too. BUT, is it necessary to "let loose" at 3 a.m.? I swear it sounds like a balloon full of pudding explodes when you first enter your litter box. It's 3 a.m.!! I know cat time is a little different than human time, but if you can't time your explosive bowel movements (Not to mention the smell, good heavens! My nostrils retreat just remembering!) during the normal business hours (daylight), can you at least give me a fair warning? Give me a chance to vacate to the couch? This applies to when company is over too.
2. Speaking of bowel movements, why must you unload while I'm cleaning your litter box? It's like "Hold on there, get this one while you're at it hon." It's gross. I think you do it because you know I will let you finish so I won't leave the chore "undone." You know it will bother me the rest of the day if I leave it in there. So stop.
3. PLEASE don't attack my butt when I fart. The first time was funny. Now it's not. I don't barrage your butt cheeks with claws every time you pass wind.
4. Speaking of attacks. I move while I sleep. It's human nature. And I understand you're nocturnal most nights. But that doesn't mean you can chew on my toes, nose, fingers, etc. Resist the urge. That's why there's a scratching post, to take out your undue frustrations.
5. Milk will be given AFTER I finish my cereal. Not before. Not during. So keep your paws out of it!!
6. Your boyfriend peed on my bed. That means no more overnight stays, no matter how much verbal diarrhea I hear from you. Plus, he eats too much.
7. If I trip over you while I'm trying to put food into your dish, I will break my leg and not be able to feed you any more. So find a place and park it until I'm done.
8. I put water in your dish for a reason. Please drink out of it, and not the toilet. That's just nasty. And a bare human butt hovering over you means quit drinking out of said toilet and MOVE or you will be peed on. Don't play chicken with me. I will win.
9. If you want outside and then change your mind halfway through the door, you will be pushed outside and the door will be shut. I don't play the "Hold on, I'm thinking....." game.
10. Your litter box need not be confined to holding feces and urine. It is capable of holding puke too. So use it and not my house shoes. PLEASE.
11. The plastic on the window is to keep the cold air out. If you keep making holes in it, I will put you out in the cold air.
12. The poinsettia is almost dead, but I think I like it now. So please stop mauling it.

I hope my requests are not unreasonable, because I'd like to keep you around. If you do find them unbearable, though, I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't mind a new roommate.
Love,
Your Loving Owner

Update

Hello, wonderful audience!
Sorry I haven't been posting. I've been really not busy. Well, kinda.
First, James came home! Woo hoo! For three days! Now he's in Utah! Ugghh!
Talk about falling in love all over again.
He was scheduled to arrive at 3:30 A frikin M, so the day before I drove to the Hood and spent the day with Melissa, the wife of James' friend. We had a blast! I can't think of a store we didn't go to. Wal-mart, Dollar General, Hobby Lobby, Olive Garden.... ok, maybe I can. Then we bought a bottle of wine and went back to our hotel room to sip and watch t.v.
Ok, the instructions said "Hold bottle firmly while twisting cork." So I did, and nothing happened! Then I noticed the wire thingy, which I should have seen sooner cause it was raking the crap out of my hand while I tried to twist the cork, so I start to take it off the neck of the bottle and POW!!!!!
I nearly take Melissa's eye out with the cork. Great way to start a friendship, huh? So we drank a little bit and watched t.v. and tried to sleep but couldn't. Then we got ready and went to get the guys. It's funny, after 6 months of being away I felt like a teenager in high school! I primped and propped (those who know me know I DO NOT primp) and sucked in my gut and practiced walking and smiling and laughing. The whole time we were waiting for them I was rehearsing how I would elegantly (and skinnily) prance down the bleachers to greet him. It was retarded!
So they guys finally come in and get into formation and of course some big shot has to talk, thankfully for only 10 minutes. Melissa and I didn't really hear much cause we were trying to find our husbands. I really couldn't tell who was who, and Melissa was like
"I've never met James before, but I'm pretty sure he's the guy in the front that keeps looking at you."
LOL. Then the guys are dismissed and I have to put my shoes on cause they're too small and I had taken them off and I guess I was taking too long cause Melissa almost pushes me down the bleachers on her way to greet her hubby. James I think teleported to the top of the bleachers where I was cause I didn't even have both shoes on and he was up there.
AHEM. Fast forward to the next day. We spent the three hour ride home catching up, and the next few days rediscovering what features of one another we love (getting the kids off my hands) and just plain put up with (snoring!). It was great. He'll be home in a couple of weeks. He has to go learn how to be a sergeant. Woo hoo, finally a promotion!!!
We plan on going skiing when he gets back with Melissa and Paul. Well, the guys are going to ski. The wives will build snowmen safely at the safe bottom of the mountain. Should be nice and CCOOLLDD. I hope we plan on hot tubbing often.
****Notes From Mom****
I'm so proud of my naive firstborn..she doesn't know that "wine" that pops its cork is actually champagne.....(Luv, Mom)

Ok, like how was I supposed to know that?? It didn't say champagne on the bottle. Guess you have to "know your pinot noirs" to figure that one out!

Things Kids Say

My daughter just told me she was going to get me new kids, ones that will listen better. Now she's telling Taryn she's gonna get a new mom and move in a new house. I told her to be sure and write!

****Notes From Mom****
"You be nice!" (Luv, Mom)

You're right. That was rude. I should have given her some stationary and self-addresses stamped envelopes.

We're Rich!!!

Okay. First, since James has been deployed, we're supposed to be getting about $225 a month in hostile fire pay. In the 12 months he's been gone we've gotten, oh let's say five months. Second, he was promoted in December, so there's more money the army owes us. Third, he just reenlisted for three years, so there's another nice chunk of cash they owe us. So every day I go online to check for a new Leave and Earnings Statement, the military equivilant of a check stub. AND TODAY THERE WAS A NEW ONE!! Oh boy! So I hurriedly click and click to see how rich we are and BAM! Here's what I see:

It's a little blurry, but I think you can still make out that it says on January 24th they will deposit.... nothing. Thanks guys! After almost 14 months of screwed up pay at least y'all are trying to crank out something!

That Holy Feeling 2

I'm reading the Bible not to gain all of its wisdom at once, but to be familiar with the text as I go back in my studies and.... well, study it. I read the book of Jonah last night, and I had to laugh at this.
Jonah is angry with God because after fleeing from Him, enduring a horrible sea storm, three days inside a whale, a whale vomiting him up onto a shore, travelling to Nineveh and warning them of their impending doom, God decided to spare a wicked people. Hey, they repented, why not be merciful? So Jonah is very angry and he cries out to the Lord basically griping about his long trip for nothing. And in verse 4:4 God looks down and says....
"Do you do well to be angry?"
Can you imagine how speechless Jonah might have been? Evidently he was, because the next few verses say that he walked out of the city and "built a booth for himself." Is that the equivalent of sitting in the corner and pouting? Our God does have a sense of humor, as evidenced here. So next time I make one of my kids mad I'm gonna look at them and say, does it do you well to be angry?
This could go either way. When James gets angry or frustrated: "Does it do you well to be angry?"
Or even for me: "Does it do you well to be angry, Talia?"
Thank you Lord, for such a short but instructional snippet of wisdom!

Survey

Here's one of those nifty surveys mom filled out about me.

Your name: Tamera

Where did we meet: in the hospital

Take a stab at my middle name: uh... Gale

How long have you known me: 22 years, 7 months and roughly 8 days
(I didn't even have to change #'s 2,3 and 4)

Do I smoke: used to; not sure, I think when you get stressed out?

What was your first impression of me upon meeting: okay, what do I do now? (by the way, I did shave)

Do I have any siblings: two (actually I have 4 half siblings)

What's one of my favorite things to do: sleep, eat and read..not sure of the order

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you: puh-puh (puppy)

What's my favorite type of music: christian rock (You had rap in you car stereo the other day)

What is the best feature about me: sense of humor..surely you could make money with it

Am I shy or outgoing: which one does apathetic go with?

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules: whichever requires less energy

What's your favorite memory of me: You screaming at me "you mean I have to be nice to get stuff?!"
(can't wait 'till Lily figures that out)

Any special talents: writing stories, setting world records for the slowest time to do anything

Would you consider me a friend: yep

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be: perky

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring: your pillow

(you nailed mine with Chad)

That was fun. You ought to make up another one.

(Note to mom: I didn't make up the survey, but I could make one up I guess....)

Bedtime Battle

This is what I go through, oh, every night.

Put kids to bed, sing a couple of songs, good night, love you, blah blah blah.....
Go to my room, start nightly Bible study lesson.....
Lily: "Mom!"
-no reply-
"MOM!"
-still no reply-
"MOOOOOM!!"
-nothing- -plop, clunk clunk clunk-
Arrival of darling angel at my doorway: "Mom! I was calling you!!"
"It's time to go to sleep, what do you need?"
"Caleb wants a raspberry!"
"He can have one tomorrow, go to bed."
"But he will cry and I don't like that I get scared!"
"Just ignore him. Go to bed!"
-Caleb starts fake crying-
"See mom? Just get him one raspberry, please!"
"No! It's bedtime! Go to bed!"
"But... but.... he will make me cry!" -starts fake crying-
"I'm gonna about to with something... yeah!"
-sniff- "What?"
"Nothing. Go to bed now, both of you." -now he is up too-
WWAAHHH -stomp stomp stomp-
-quiet talking, something about watching a movie, eating raspberries and drinking chocolate milk in the morning-
"Mom!"
-sigh, put Bible lesson away-
"MOM!"
-crawl under covers-
"MOOOOM!!"
-plop, clunk clunk clunk-
"Mom! Caleb wants... no, that's not it...."
-laughing from me and Taryn-
"Stop laughing at me! Waahhh!"
Taryn: "Lily, what do you want? You need to go to bed!"
"I I I I I I I I I I I'm hungry."
-here comes the other one-
"You should have eaten dinner like you were supposed to. Now go to bed."
"But but but but but....."
"No buts now go to bed guys!"
"But... Can we have a banana? Please"
"One, two, THREE..."
"But, what about one banana?"
"FOOOUUR..."
"Okay, okay! Waaahhh!"
-back to their rooms-
"MOOOM!"
-put pillow over my head-
-both come back to doorway-
"MOOOM!"
Taryn: "Lilith! What do you need?"
"I just want to tell you something this quick." (makes slashing motion through air)
"There's nothing you can tell me that quick."
"Yes, very quickly I can tell you!"
"If it's about a raspberry or a banana, we don't want to hear it."
-muffled laughter from under the covers-
"But, but.... We're hungry!"
"Then go get a frikin banana! Just one that you can share!"
-leaves, comes back with two bananas-
"I said one didn't I? You never listen to me."
-pause- "Yeah."
-more muffled laughter-
-kids eat half banana- smack smack smack smack
-kids hand out banana kisses and hugs, retreat to room-
"MOOOOM!!"
"WHAT DO YOU NEED LILY??"
"Uh.... I forgot."
"Good night Lilith."

****Notes From Mom****

You want a quick remedy? "First one I see or hear gets a spanking!" Then do it. You turned out okay..... (Luv, Mom)

That may be why I twitch at night.....

And I Thought Texans Were Odd....

This past weekend I went with my Aunt Judy to Shreveport, Louisiana to pick up my sister. We left at eight in the morning and talked the whole way about life and politics and stuff. And let me tell you, east Texas has some huge trees! I'm talking three stories tall! And grass, y'all! Real, live, green grass! It does exist! It's pretty!
So we get to Shreveport and we have to stop cause we're both women who have had children and we can't go eighty miles without peeing somewhere. I go inside and there's a line for the bathroom, a man and a woman and me. After standing there for about five minutes, the guy in the men's bathroom comes out and about that time a little old man runs around the corner and rushes into the bathroom ahead of the guy who was waiting. What did the man do? HE FOLLOWED THE OLD MAN INTO THE BATHROOM. A single bathroom, not one with two or three stalls. Then they shut the door! And I'm guessing since neither one came out and the snippet of conversation I unwillingly overheard (something about a lot of water), they peed together! Aaghh! This is not right! Thankfully the women's bathroom freed up pretty quickly, as I felt akward standing there knowing there were two obviously unrelated guys peeing in the same toilet not four feet away from me.
All went well until we had to get to IHOP. We got off at the right exit, observed the restaurant a small distance down the access road, and went straight, only to find ourselves on the interstate again!
"What happened?" Judy says.
"I dunno," I reply.
Two miles and six turns later, we find that to access the access road that IHOP resides on you have to turn right onto another road, then turn left again. Which looks like a straight shot when you're on the first road. Only in Louisiana do you have to turn RIGHT to go STRAIGHT.
So anyway. We eat and go along our merry way. All is well until it starts raining in Dallas. I might want to insert here that my aunt is a slightly erratic driver as it is, and when you add pouring rain, 70 miles and hour and bumper-to-bumper traffic.... I thought I was gonna die. But we made it through. Shopped a little.
We got back into Abilene arount 11p.m. and discovered we were locked out of my aunt's house. After not much debate, we decided not to sleep in the car in the garage because it's cold. So now, road tripped, tired, hungry and frazzled we're trying to find a cheap hotel to stay in. Long story short, we found one and got a good night's sleep.
And that was my vacation!

The Everlasting Poinsettia

I usually have no problem killing plants. I've never had a flower, spice, or vegetable garden flourish. Once, I had an elephant ear plant that grew quite nicely. Then one day it up and died. I don't think I can blame all of my black thumb skills to the West Texas climate. I think I actually have a gift for killing plants.
Or, I did until Christmas.
My Grandma bought me a poinsettia and my first thought was oh boy, another thing to feed and water. But after three weeks, this thing is still alive! I tried the usual forgetting to water it; no go. Then I let the cat maul it; nope. Finally I closed the window shades; the darn thing is still alive!
So I gave up. I watered and pruned it today. It'll probably die tomorrow.

Christmas 2006

Well another Christmas has come and gone, and I'm still alive! Sorry it's taken so long, but here's the run-down of new brain screamer toys:

From Granny: Legos. 80 pieces. But they are big sized and they did come in a bag, so I guess they're ok. Also three guns, two pistols and one shotgun, complete with gun belt and bullets. We've been killing pretend birds since the 25th.

From Nana and Paw Paw: Dora's Enchanted Castle with six rooms, each with no less than five pieces of furniture each. Every room also comes with it's own magic wand, to make something in that room perform some enchanted trick. So there's 36 more pieces, plus Princess Dora, Duke Boots, Queen Mami, Sir Tico and Lady Isa.
Also, Diego's Animal Rescue Treehouse. This comes with a helicopter and a bazillion animals to rescue, and a car with a trailer to carry said animals in, and the ever necessary doll figures.
Oh, I almost forgot! Makeup!! Goopy lip gloss, creamy icky eye shadow, permanent blue nail polish and glitter. Three vials of glitter. Caleb sure looks pretty!

From Paw Paw and Grammy: My heart literally skipped a beat when they unwrapped that Lite Brite. Yes, they still make those and yes, they still come with two thousand teeny tiny colored pegs. It was fun for about, oh, 48 hours. Now it's a "special time" toy.
Next up are the Magnetix, which are magnetic colored pieces with small steel balls. They're kinda like Legos. Those were fun until I found a few in Caleb's diaper. Not through-the-chute in the diaper, but in there none the less. I guess he doesn't want to wait for puberty. (Which brings me to a funny thing that happened today. I caught Caleb being "hands on" with his "part" today. When I told him to put it away he said "But I like it!" Also, yesterday at bath time I caught him with his parts in a Play Doh can.)

I can only blame myself for buying the Play Doh Creativity Table, knowing how anal I am about KEEPING THE DARN COLORS SEPERATE!!

From Aunt Judy: A floor mat layout of roads and train stations and stuff for him to run his cars all over. I liked this present until the kids flipped it over and started picking the foam backing off. Kids just can't take things at face value, no, they have to flip it over and see how it ticks.

All in all, we had a good Christmas. (Where's that bottle of wine?) And the Christmas tree actually made it to the 27th before I couldn't stand it any more.

How Super Is Your Toilet?

Is your toilet good? I mean, really good? Can it handle not only the day to day poop, but also the not so ordinary events? To find out, I've compiled a simple test for you......

1. Unroll one roll of Charmin super ultra comfy toilet tissue. Place in toilet. Flush.
Went down ok? Give yourself 20 points and move on.
Water level rose dangerously close to overflow but then went down ok? Give yourself 10 points and move on.
Standing ankle-deep in water? HA HA HA! Lightweight! 0 points.

2. Pick two ratty dish rags. Flush one right after the other.
Still hanging on? 20 points.
Almost ran for the towels? 10 points.
Already out of towels? 0 points.

3. Eight Magnetix pieces and five Legos. Drop and flush.
Feeling confident, huh? 20 points.
Heart fluttered, 10 points.
Ran for mop immediatley, 0 points.

4. Four crayons and three super plus tampons, whole, not broken up!
Cheering your toilet on, 20 points.
Pleading for everything to go down, 10 points.
Why are you still trying? 0 points.

5. And now the grand finale.... tell your 2 year old to go get an object, any object, and flush it. No "pre-approving" of objects!
Didn't even gurgle, 20 points.
Made an odd noise, 10 points.
Exploded, 0 points.

Add up your points.....
100: Perfect score!! You have a super toilet!
90-50: You're doing good! Keep it up!
40-0: Keep experimenting, you'll get there!

Reusable WHAT?!!

Another late-night internet surf led me to a site that sells, get this, reusable pads and tampons.
I'm so not kidding.
Apparently, for $12 you can get a flannel/cotton "holder" that has a nifty snap to wrap around the crotch of your panties. It has insertable pads made of cotton that you replace when they get "full" (I know it's so gross!). Apparently you are supposed to replace the inserts and not necessarily the holder, which makes me cringe. You can also buy "pad-panties," which are panties with a pad woven into the crotch. You just replce your underwear when you need to. They come in a variety of patterns, including leopard print. Woo hoo!
Now what gets me is that you have to wash them. They recommend by hand, so they last longer. They also recommend soaking them in cold water as soon as possible to avoid staining, i.e. throw them in the bathroom sink. Eeewww. I can only imagine James going to use the bathroom and coming out saying something like this:
"Um, babe, you uh, left your "thingies" in the sink, and uh, I don't think I can get them out by myself."
Or what if company came over and you forgot about them?? Aaahhh!!
They also include a matching carrier to store used inserts in if you happen to be out and have to change it. Can you imagine if you got pulled over and searched? The police would think you were going to the bridge to get rid of murder evidence!
Also on their site is two more items I found equally hilarious: reusable tampons and the Divacup (TM, or whatever mark I have to have here to avoid a lawsuit). The reusable tampon is actually a sea sponge harvested off the coast of some far away place. You scrunch it up and stick it in, easy as pie. About every three hours, you remove it and hold it under running water to clean it. Then you scrunch and stuff again. I wonder what you'd do if you were out and about and had to "empty" it? (I didn't see a carrier for the used tampons.)
"Hey Taryn, can you rinse this for me? Please? Come on, you have periods too. We're both women! Pleeeease?? Are you still there? TARYN! I need my tampon cleaned!!"
Now that's a close relative.
I don't think I could bring myself to use one of them, I mean I do watch SpongeBob..... it just wouldn't feel right....
And now for the Divacup. It is, literally, a coned cup that you encircle your cervix with to catch "menstrual products." Then you empty it when you think it's full.
First off, the picture shows this cup-cone in this girls' hand, and it is about as big as her palm! Both long and wide!! And it has a "stem" which is used to retrieve the cone-cup that is so long it looks as if you'd cut your labia when you sat down. Several commentors say you can't feel it at all, but come on people! You can't fool me! There is no way you can stick a Dixie cup up there and NOT feel it!!
Second, you're supposed to insert it so that it makes a suction on your cervix to keep it from coming out. You break the seal by pinching the stem. Ever been in a hurry and yanked a tampon out too quick? Can you imagine jerking your whole cervix out into the toilet? Yeah, no thanks.
Third, it's another one of those rinse-and-reuse products.
"Taryn! Can you dump my cup for me?"
Fourth, I ick when I see vast amounts of blood. I just could not dump a cupful in the toilet and not hurl.
And, to top it off, it has the word "diva" in it!! I just know I would feel super-sexy and powerful with a bucket in my vagina!
Their reasoning is that using the products saves money, which I guess it would because the products are supposed to last for years, and using them helps them appreciate their bodies' natural functions and knowing they're saving the world and not introducing "harsh, abraisive" compounds into their "divas." I don't know about you, but I don't appreciate this particular natural function. It's a pain and I can't wait for menopause. And Tampax has been good to me so far, so y'all can just keep that other crap!!

In The Lovin' Oven

First, some quotes from my beautiful children.
Caleb, in reference to a nativity scene: "Look Mimi, there's Jesus and his girlfriend!"
Lily, sitting outside as my sister and I drive up: "Hey friend, there's my mom and my babysitter."
Lily to Caleb after Taryn told them to quit being loud: "We'll do it after Taryn leaves."

I was surfing the 'net a couple of nights ago, and I came across a site promoting safe sex. Now I'm all for safe sex, in fact I think when girls turn 12 they should be on government ordered birth control until they turn 25. That woulda kept me out of a whole lot of trouble. But this site was soooo funny! I could not stop laughing! They recommend making and carrying a "safe sex kit," which contains:

12 Male condoms, in a variety of shapes, sizes, flavors and textures
12 Female condoms
1 Bottle of water based lubricant
10 pairs of latex gloves
5 dental dams, or if you can't find them,
1 Roll of saran wrap
1 tube of aloe vera gel.

Oh boy!
First of all, can you imagine carrying this stuff in your purse (or should I say suitcase) and trying to look sexy at a party or a bar?? I thought the current trend was to not have hardly anything on, i.e. Paris Hilton.
Second, they recommend that the gloves be put on before any hand-to-genital contact is made. Don't you know that feels sexy! But who knows, it may be your thing.....
Third, SARAN WRAP?? You've got to be kidding me!! They recommend this be used to "seal the genital area" before mouth-to-genital contact. Woo hoo, wrap my box in saran and let's go to town!!
Fourth, you know those saran wrap covers with elastic in them that you snap around a watermelon or whatever? Would those work? Or maybe a shower cap? It's the same thing right?
Fifth, aloe vera gel, suggested by this site in case all that latex and plastic wrap makes you "chap up or break out in a rash."
Sixth, can you imagine your one night stand going well after you whip out all this crap?
"Oh, I hope you don't mind, I brought along some protection for us to use. Yeah, that suitcase right there, could you hand it to me? Watch your back, lift with your legs, there you go. What should we use first? Oh, you want to touch me? Ok, well here's some gloves... you're allergic to latex? That's ok, I have rubber and lamb skin as well. Here's a dental dam for when you decide to kiss me. And, um, what "size" are you? I have ten different sized condoms, cause a girl never knows what to expect huh? I saved the best part for last! Here's the saran wrap for when... hey! Where are you going? I already paid for this room you arsehole!!"

Man, I wish I was single so that I could conduct an experiment. I could write a book on my findings and make millions!! I love the internet.

Accidental Martha Stewart

I just folded a tree skirt. Go figure.
That's all I have for now!

Christmas Hounds

Christmas. A lovely time of year. Until you grow up and move out and have kids. Let me explain. My parents always had hordes of boxes of Chrismas stuff. I mean every ornament from every school year or VBS semester for all three of us kids, 300 feet of lights, 50 regular ornaments that came from who knows where (you know those ones you see every year?), and that effin gaudy multi-colored doubles-as-a-disco-ball star. Who designs this stuff?? Ah, I digress.
So every year since I was born (I assume) we hauled out all this stuff and put it on the poor pine tree that happened to befall the Guenther house. Bring Sally up. Took a good two hours or so. And then there's mom's other Christmas stuff, which consisted of another 5 or 6 boxes. You know, the thirty candles even though we're not Jewish, fifteen sno-globes, three nativity scenes, those painted houses in communities, and a boat-load of other Christmas knick-knacks. Our living room always looked like Saint Nick himself, and all his holiday glory, blew up coming down from our chimney. Poor dad, hauling that stuff in and out year after year. Although looking back it was cool seeing all of it set up and all that happy crap, but in the midst of those 16 years I made a decision.
I was never. Ever. EVER gonna have that much STUFF for ANY holiday.
AND, I refuse to set my tree up until at least the first week of December.
First, I am a sort of neat freak. I like stuff tidy and clean, albeit my definition of tidy and clean varies drastically from most people's. It's kinda hard to explain, but one pet peeve is forty boxes of Christmas stuff that follows you from house to house throughout your adult life and gets left to your kids when you die.
Second, to me it just feels weird to put up your tree before Thanksgiving. One holiday at a time please! I don't understand it but some people like that kind of thing and hey if that's your cup of tea, I'll be your lemon. (Aunt Terri you're still cool though!)
SO, I have one small plastic box of Christmas stuff.
Just the basics.
This year, on top of only having that one box of stuff, I commited the cardinal sin of Christmas: not putting the tree up the minute the clock struck December 1st. And believe me, mom hasn't let me live it down. Apparently once you have kids the rule is you have to put up your tree on December 1st and retain said tree until at least New Years. If you don't they sic the hounds on you.
"You haven't put your tree up? OH MY GOSH, why?? You just have to put your tree up, the kids will love it. What? A MINI tree?? Is that legal? What do you mean you have no room in your apartment? If you move the corner table and t.v. and loveseat there's plenty of room! I simply cannot believe you haven't set up that tree....."
Ugh.
It gets worse. If your mom can't convince you, she gets her mom to help. If that doesn't work, they pull out the big arsenal: getting the kids involved. And that's just not fair when they get the kids going before noon on 12-1. It's not.
SO. I put up the tree last night. Yes, it is a mini tree and yes I have had to replace every ornament at least three times in the last 24 hours. And they plug it in by themselves if I'm not in the room. Mom says they would only pull the bottom ornaments off of a big tree, but I don't think so. Not my kids. They're sinister. Plotting to knock a big shiny reflective tree down and thoroughly examine every piece of evidence is NOT out of their league.
So there. I have my tree up. And you bet your boots it's coming down on the 26th.

Have You Missed Me?

I know, I know. I'm horrible!! I keep my audience waiting SSOO LONG between posts! The holidays kept me pretty busy. We went to my dad's side of the family in San Marcos. You want to talk about straight up torture, try riding in a car with a 5 and 2 year old for FFOOUURR HOURS. Yes, I forgot the Benadryl. No, they didn't take a nap. And no, we don't have any of that fancy-schmancy DVD players with personal ear phones or game boys or what not. We had to keep ourselves occupied the old fashioned way: playing who-threw-the-cookie, refill the sippy cup, search for the Happy Meal toy or crayons, read the same book twenty times, the next town is such and such, the next town is still such and such, no we're not to such and such town yet, etc.
My aunt and uncle have a huge porch, and in the midst of choking on blankets of smoke and swagging down a couple of alcoholic beverages we managed to have a few good laughes. Like when Caleb drank out of the porch fountain/dog water. Or the time he started humping the dog (don't ask, I don't know; an isolated incident I might add). We ate burned marshmallows and all that happy stuff. Weather was nice. Other than that I don't have any funny tales to relate to my fab audience. Sorry! Blame the kids, they're the funny ones.