Our Story

www.ourstory.com

I found this pretty cool website. You create a page about yourself by answering a jillion questions. Then your family and friends can log on and spend hours reading about you. Here's some I'll share with you:

>>How did you first get the news that a new baby would soon join your life?
How did I get the news? How does anyone?? I peed on a freaking stick!! With Lily I was in the bathroom at school, and my first thought was OH SHAT. Caleb was planned, so I was pretty excited.

>>How did you respond when you first heard that you were expecting a baby?
Lily: OH CRAP. He said he got kicked in the balls and couldn't have kids!! WTF?!! Liar! Liar! Look at the stick, you moron! Two pink lines not one!! Stupid! Look!!
Caleb: Yay!!! What a great wedding present! Now he's really stuck with me for life!!

>>How did you and your partner meet, fall in love, and take the first steps that led to this new baby?
Oh gosh. What steps did we take?? Are you serious??

>>Did your baby "happen" easily, or did it take some work to bring him or her into your life?
You people have me ROLLING!! Um.... Lily only took three months and endless bottles of liquor. So I guess she "happened" relatively easily. Caleb came just four weeks after a miscarriage. Eager little fellow, eh? So I guess he was an easy baby too, though with both I didn't do much work. Isn't that "his" job?

>>What musical, artistic, or other self-expressive talents emerged during your teenage years?
I liked (and still do like) to write. I would write some pretty creepy stuff and then end up burning it. I've started about 30 journals, including food journals, and have never gotten past the first week. Oh, and in my freshman year me and three of my friends tried to be witches. You know, candles and crap. Does that count as artistic? Maybe more like self-expressive....

>>For professional recordkeeping, list the details of your job title, the company you work for, your manager, and the duration of your employment in this role.
Title: Mommy
Company: Oops I Did It Again, Inc.
Manager: God, husband, in-laws, mom and granny.
Duration of Job: FFOORREEVVEERR!!
Job Duties: short order cook, poop cleaner, dish washer, clothes washer, bather, wiper, potty trainer, chaperone, negotiator, interpreter, lost items retrieval, walmart marathon shopper, checkbook balancer, dresser, cat rescuer.

>>Name and provide titles and roles for any employees or assistants that you manage or supervise.
I have one assistant, his name is James. He moonlights as a husband. He performs the duties previously listed if I am doing more than three things at one time. Doesn't need much supervision, requires menial wages (namely anything lacey or "hands on"), and will eat almost anything. Has been an asset to the company for three years now.

I've Been Blond Since Birth

Recently I took a quiz to see if I was dumb. If I scored an 18 or below, I'm smart. I scored 18. On the verge of stupidity. This is what my mom wrote when I sent my quiz results to her:

I was hoping that they would ask "Have you ever swallowed your gum and choked on it while being baptized which made you lose your footing and fall farther under water and flail your arms trying to stand back up while the preacher is trying to help you?"...memories... Luv, Mom

Yes. I was chewing gum during my baptism. So sue me, I'm blond. I guarantee I made some people smile that day, the Good Lord included. I think that's why He made me the way I am. For a good laugh or two. Oh, and once when I was 8 months pregnant I fell off the back porch steps and got myself wedged between the bottom step and my dad's truck. I never knew my dad could exit a car that quickly.

On another note, I started my diet again today. Seriously. Yesterday Lily said "Mom, if you have a big tummy why don't you just have a baby in there?" Ggrrr. I saw James cringe and back away instantly. There's just some things you don't say to Mommy.

Oh The Chaos

This weekend we went to Ennis, Tx. THE LONGEST FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE. Oh, the DVD player helped a little, but after 3 movies it gets really hot and I didn't want to catch anything on fire, as enticing as it sounded (that was for you Taryn). So we get there, and our friend have 4 kids. I mean I knew this before we went and I had prepared myself, but geez Louise! They weren't annoying or anything, I guess cause they're not mine, but after this weekend I'm considering getting my tubes tied. Again. Just to be sure. I don't know how they do it! They have a pretty good system going, bath time and dinner go smooth. They even go to bed at 8!! Wow! That's accomplishment right there folks. All four, pow, asleep. And I didn't see any Benadryl use to boot. They're my heroes. You know what's bad? We all went bowling and MY kid is the one who kept running away! I swear theirs stayed in one place and bowled, but mine? Nope. Caleb sprinted across the bowling lanes twice and the table area thrice. You can imagine how we looked when their four kids are being good and my ONE KID is being.... not good!! I was so embarrassed. What was even funnier was the kids got higher scores than some of the adults! It was great. Like hanging out with a daycare all weekend.

Those Genes Look Good On You!

Caleb talks to himself. A lot. Maybe not abnormally a lot, but we're getting close. He talks mostly when he's playing by himself, and the conversation (can you call it that?) goes something like this:

Boom Boom Boom
Hear that?
Boom Boom
I see da dinosaur!
Run! Run!
Here he comes!
Run!
AAAAHHHHH!! He's gonna get me!!! AAAHHHH!!
He got me!! AAAHHHH!!
Chomp Chomp Chomp
He got you! Run, run!

So cute, huh? I pondered whether this kind of talking is healthy, so I tried to focus on playing with him more, but he just tells me to go away. So sweet. I've discovered where he gets it from though. His father. Here's a clip from James' conversation while he's on the computer:

Humming a song
I wonder where I could find.....
Oh, okay.
Wow! Look you can build it all right here!
Fire course, leadership course.....
Where's the.....
Here it is.
Hey wait a minute......
Oh! Go back......
WHERE DID IT GO?
Crap.
Wait, maybe it's.....
No, it's not there.
But why is it?........
Crap crap crap!
Oh! I see! Hey babe, look at.......
Where do I......
Oh here we go. Bookmark it.
Ok, now what else.....
Oh yeah, a new truck.....

At least Caleb finishes his sentences. Good grief. I guess what bothers me the most is that I never know when he's talking to me or himself.
One more gripe:
There's something terribly wrong when I have to take hits off the air freshener every time he "drops the kids off at the pool." Am I right?

Uh..... Ahem.

Imagine with me now.....
Your husband is gone for a year on deployment
It's his first evening back
The kids aren't at home
Hormones are raging
You both start stripping
And BAM!! You see these.....

Yeah. Talk about a deal breaker.

P.S. They're not dirty! You people are gross! It's the fact that they are military issued poop-brown tighty whities that turned me off!

Prayers And Other Things

Prayers last night.......
Caleb (covering his eyes): Jesus, thank you for food. Amen.
Lily: Jesus loves the little children, and He gives us food. We're going to get Daddy tomorrow. I hope I get to go to Pa Pa and Nana's house tomorrow. (Mom, stop laughing.) There is food for everyone, and it's cold outside tonight. Jesus is good and kind (Mom! I'm praying! Stop laughing!) and He loves you and me. I like my school and all my friends (MOM!! Stop laughing!) and my teacher. And I mind really well. Jesus Christ, amen.
I was laughing because throughout her whole prayer she was farting! Big girl farts! I know the Lord was giggling too.

Today I went to wipe some spaghetti sauce off Lily's face the old fashioned mom way (spit and thumb) when she noticed my tongue ring and asked me to open my mouth, so I did.
"Oh Mom, that..... that's wonderful!"
Then Caleb came over, and they asked me to take it out. So while I was unscrewing the ring both the kids were sticking their tongues out and chewing them and stuff, like people who move their mouths when you're talking to them. Caleb said "Ewww, a hole!" and Lily said "Wow! Can I stick my finger in there?" It was funny.

Caleb has started taking off his dirty diaper and rubbing the contents on the couch. EEWWW!! Thank goodness we bought leather. I can just wipe it off. But it's still nasty. Mom suggested making him clean it off, which I think would make a bigger mess than it is originally. (Translation: Poop on fingers. Poop on hands. Poop in hair. Poop prints on the wall. Poop on the cat (try catching a poop-covered cat and washing her off.... yeah right). Poop footprints, just for the sake of experimentation. Need I continue?)

I tried waxing my eyebrows with pre-cut, pre-waxed strips, to help me achieve PERFECTLY SHAPED EYEBROWS EVERY TIME, GUARANTEED!!!! So I washed my eyebrows, dried them, applied the top strip, rubbed, and yanked it off. A little sting, not bad. Had to do it three times to get all the hair, but still worked ok. Same with the other side. Then I got to the bottom, you know underneath? I thought I had a pretty high pain tolerance, but I guess not, cause when I ripped off the top layer of my upper eyelid IT HURT. WTF, WHO INVENTED THESE RETCHED THINGS??!!! But I had to do the other one cause I knew I wouldn't be able to pluck the other side and make it match the one I just did. So with a little self-psyching and promises of chocolate, I did it. Thank goodness it got all the hair off in one strip cause I was NOT gonna do that again. I think I'll go back to plucking.

I bought a couple of yoga/Pilate's DVDs at Walmart the other day. I've never done yoga, so I tried it yesterday. I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing, like stretching and breathing and meditation? NOOOO. The stretching stuff was ok, though that lady could do some stuff I haven't seen in even the most ancient Kama Sutra books, like stand on the palms f her hands without bending her knees. That's not normal.
"Just reeeeach over and grab your ankles, or calves or wherever you feel comfortable putting your hands...."
How about on my thighs?
"If you can, just laaaay your lower arms and head on the floor and breathe deeply, in and out, nice and relaxed...."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
I bet that woman could see her ovaries if she was naked.
But alas, I want to be more flexible and toned, so I will try again on Monday. I don't sweat on weekends, plus James is coming home on a three day pass today, which means he's on poop duty, and I can concentrate on other things, like spending money.

Some Funny Stuff

Conversation I had with Caleb today:

"Sissy a girl!"
"Good! What are you?"
"A Caleb!"
"But are you a boy or a girl?"
"I a boy!"
"Good! What makes a girl different than a boy?"
"Da colors."
"The colors? What colors?"
"Da blue and da pink."
"The blue and the pink?"
"Yeah. Da blue for da boys and da pink for da girls!"

Prayers tonight:

Lily: "Dear God, We can move anywhere you say when Daddy gets back. Thank you for these people and our food. Amen. Jesus Christ."
Caleb: "Dear Jesus loves da little children. Momma and Daddy give me food. Thank you for da food. Daddy coming home. Jesus."
Amen!

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Dying

Dear Body,
It seems you and I have come to the same crossroads as the cat and I. Now I know I've done some pretty bad things that you may hold a grudge for, like getting pregnant at 17, Butterfingers, some drug use, ice cream, odd piercings, Cheetos, a second pregnancy..... I know, I KNOW. But good grief, this tops them all! WHY OH WHY must we have the flu AND menstruate at the SAME TIME?!!! Wouldn't it be easier to take things one by one? I mean, you've been barraging me for the last three months with menstrual issues, so I figured that when I got the flu you'd keep yourself occupied in THAT area and kinda forget about that OTHER area. You know, get yourself well before waging another war? This is not fun. Can't we work something out? Write back soon.
Talia

Letter To My Cat

Dear Psycho Cat:
I love you. I think you're pretty neat. You keep me company when my husband is away and my kids are asleep. However, I have developed a list of things we need to work on in order to coexist peacefully.
1. I know sometimes you have bowel problems. I understand, I get them sometimes too. BUT, is it necessary to "let loose" at 3 a.m.? I swear it sounds like a balloon full of pudding explodes when you first enter your litter box. It's 3 a.m.!! I know cat time is a little different than human time, but if you can't time your explosive bowel movements (Not to mention the smell, good heavens! My nostrils retreat just remembering!) during the normal business hours (daylight), can you at least give me a fair warning? Give me a chance to vacate to the couch? This applies to when company is over too.
2. Speaking of bowel movements, why must you unload while I'm cleaning your litter box? It's like "Hold on there, get this one while you're at it hon." It's gross. I think you do it because you know I will let you finish so I won't leave the chore "undone." You know it will bother me the rest of the day if I leave it in there. So stop.
3. PLEASE don't attack my butt when I fart. The first time was funny. Now it's not. I don't barrage your butt cheeks with claws every time you pass wind.
4. Speaking of attacks. I move while I sleep. It's human nature. And I understand you're nocturnal most nights. But that doesn't mean you can chew on my toes, nose, fingers, etc. Resist the urge. That's why there's a scratching post, to take out your undue frustrations.
5. Milk will be given AFTER I finish my cereal. Not before. Not during. So keep your paws out of it!!
6. Your boyfriend peed on my bed. That means no more overnight stays, no matter how much verbal diarrhea I hear from you. Plus, he eats too much.
7. If I trip over you while I'm trying to put food into your dish, I will break my leg and not be able to feed you any more. So find a place and park it until I'm done.
8. I put water in your dish for a reason. Please drink out of it, and not the toilet. That's just nasty. And a bare human butt hovering over you means quit drinking out of said toilet and MOVE or you will be peed on. Don't play chicken with me. I will win.
9. If you want outside and then change your mind halfway through the door, you will be pushed outside and the door will be shut. I don't play the "Hold on, I'm thinking....." game.
10. Your litter box need not be confined to holding feces and urine. It is capable of holding puke too. So use it and not my house shoes. PLEASE.
11. The plastic on the window is to keep the cold air out. If you keep making holes in it, I will put you out in the cold air.
12. The poinsettia is almost dead, but I think I like it now. So please stop mauling it.

I hope my requests are not unreasonable, because I'd like to keep you around. If you do find them unbearable, though, I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't mind a new roommate.
Love,
Your Loving Owner

Update

Hello, wonderful audience!
Sorry I haven't been posting. I've been really not busy. Well, kinda.
First, James came home! Woo hoo! For three days! Now he's in Utah! Ugghh!
Talk about falling in love all over again.
He was scheduled to arrive at 3:30 A frikin M, so the day before I drove to the Hood and spent the day with Melissa, the wife of James' friend. We had a blast! I can't think of a store we didn't go to. Wal-mart, Dollar General, Hobby Lobby, Olive Garden.... ok, maybe I can. Then we bought a bottle of wine and went back to our hotel room to sip and watch t.v.
Ok, the instructions said "Hold bottle firmly while twisting cork." So I did, and nothing happened! Then I noticed the wire thingy, which I should have seen sooner cause it was raking the crap out of my hand while I tried to twist the cork, so I start to take it off the neck of the bottle and POW!!!!!
I nearly take Melissa's eye out with the cork. Great way to start a friendship, huh? So we drank a little bit and watched t.v. and tried to sleep but couldn't. Then we got ready and went to get the guys. It's funny, after 6 months of being away I felt like a teenager in high school! I primped and propped (those who know me know I DO NOT primp) and sucked in my gut and practiced walking and smiling and laughing. The whole time we were waiting for them I was rehearsing how I would elegantly (and skinnily) prance down the bleachers to greet him. It was retarded!
So they guys finally come in and get into formation and of course some big shot has to talk, thankfully for only 10 minutes. Melissa and I didn't really hear much cause we were trying to find our husbands. I really couldn't tell who was who, and Melissa was like
"I've never met James before, but I'm pretty sure he's the guy in the front that keeps looking at you."
LOL. Then the guys are dismissed and I have to put my shoes on cause they're too small and I had taken them off and I guess I was taking too long cause Melissa almost pushes me down the bleachers on her way to greet her hubby. James I think teleported to the top of the bleachers where I was cause I didn't even have both shoes on and he was up there.
AHEM. Fast forward to the next day. We spent the three hour ride home catching up, and the next few days rediscovering what features of one another we love (getting the kids off my hands) and just plain put up with (snoring!). It was great. He'll be home in a couple of weeks. He has to go learn how to be a sergeant. Woo hoo, finally a promotion!!!
We plan on going skiing when he gets back with Melissa and Paul. Well, the guys are going to ski. The wives will build snowmen safely at the safe bottom of the mountain. Should be nice and CCOOLLDD. I hope we plan on hot tubbing often.
****Notes From Mom****
I'm so proud of my naive firstborn..she doesn't know that "wine" that pops its cork is actually champagne.....(Luv, Mom)

Ok, like how was I supposed to know that?? It didn't say champagne on the bottle. Guess you have to "know your pinot noirs" to figure that one out!

Things Kids Say

My daughter just told me she was going to get me new kids, ones that will listen better. Now she's telling Taryn she's gonna get a new mom and move in a new house. I told her to be sure and write!

****Notes From Mom****
"You be nice!" (Luv, Mom)

You're right. That was rude. I should have given her some stationary and self-addresses stamped envelopes.

We're Rich!!!

Okay. First, since James has been deployed, we're supposed to be getting about $225 a month in hostile fire pay. In the 12 months he's been gone we've gotten, oh let's say five months. Second, he was promoted in December, so there's more money the army owes us. Third, he just reenlisted for three years, so there's another nice chunk of cash they owe us. So every day I go online to check for a new Leave and Earnings Statement, the military equivilant of a check stub. AND TODAY THERE WAS A NEW ONE!! Oh boy! So I hurriedly click and click to see how rich we are and BAM! Here's what I see:

It's a little blurry, but I think you can still make out that it says on January 24th they will deposit.... nothing. Thanks guys! After almost 14 months of screwed up pay at least y'all are trying to crank out something!

That Holy Feeling 2

I'm reading the Bible not to gain all of its wisdom at once, but to be familiar with the text as I go back in my studies and.... well, study it. I read the book of Jonah last night, and I had to laugh at this.
Jonah is angry with God because after fleeing from Him, enduring a horrible sea storm, three days inside a whale, a whale vomiting him up onto a shore, travelling to Nineveh and warning them of their impending doom, God decided to spare a wicked people. Hey, they repented, why not be merciful? So Jonah is very angry and he cries out to the Lord basically griping about his long trip for nothing. And in verse 4:4 God looks down and says....
"Do you do well to be angry?"
Can you imagine how speechless Jonah might have been? Evidently he was, because the next few verses say that he walked out of the city and "built a booth for himself." Is that the equivalent of sitting in the corner and pouting? Our God does have a sense of humor, as evidenced here. So next time I make one of my kids mad I'm gonna look at them and say, does it do you well to be angry?
This could go either way. When James gets angry or frustrated: "Does it do you well to be angry?"
Or even for me: "Does it do you well to be angry, Talia?"
Thank you Lord, for such a short but instructional snippet of wisdom!

Survey

Here's one of those nifty surveys mom filled out about me.

Your name: Tamera

Where did we meet: in the hospital

Take a stab at my middle name: uh... Gale

How long have you known me: 22 years, 7 months and roughly 8 days
(I didn't even have to change #'s 2,3 and 4)

Do I smoke: used to; not sure, I think when you get stressed out?

What was your first impression of me upon meeting: okay, what do I do now? (by the way, I did shave)

Do I have any siblings: two (actually I have 4 half siblings)

What's one of my favorite things to do: sleep, eat and read..not sure of the order

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you: puh-puh (puppy)

What's my favorite type of music: christian rock (You had rap in you car stereo the other day)

What is the best feature about me: sense of humor..surely you could make money with it

Am I shy or outgoing: which one does apathetic go with?

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules: whichever requires less energy

What's your favorite memory of me: You screaming at me "you mean I have to be nice to get stuff?!"
(can't wait 'till Lily figures that out)

Any special talents: writing stories, setting world records for the slowest time to do anything

Would you consider me a friend: yep

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be: perky

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring: your pillow

(you nailed mine with Chad)

That was fun. You ought to make up another one.

(Note to mom: I didn't make up the survey, but I could make one up I guess....)

Bedtime Battle

This is what I go through, oh, every night.

Put kids to bed, sing a couple of songs, good night, love you, blah blah blah.....
Go to my room, start nightly Bible study lesson.....
Lily: "Mom!"
-no reply-
"MOM!"
-still no reply-
"MOOOOOM!!"
-nothing- -plop, clunk clunk clunk-
Arrival of darling angel at my doorway: "Mom! I was calling you!!"
"It's time to go to sleep, what do you need?"
"Caleb wants a raspberry!"
"He can have one tomorrow, go to bed."
"But he will cry and I don't like that I get scared!"
"Just ignore him. Go to bed!"
-Caleb starts fake crying-
"See mom? Just get him one raspberry, please!"
"No! It's bedtime! Go to bed!"
"But... but.... he will make me cry!" -starts fake crying-
"I'm gonna about to with something... yeah!"
-sniff- "What?"
"Nothing. Go to bed now, both of you." -now he is up too-
WWAAHHH -stomp stomp stomp-
-quiet talking, something about watching a movie, eating raspberries and drinking chocolate milk in the morning-
"Mom!"
-sigh, put Bible lesson away-
"MOM!"
-crawl under covers-
"MOOOOM!!"
-plop, clunk clunk clunk-
"Mom! Caleb wants... no, that's not it...."
-laughing from me and Taryn-
"Stop laughing at me! Waahhh!"
Taryn: "Lily, what do you want? You need to go to bed!"
"I I I I I I I I I I I'm hungry."
-here comes the other one-
"You should have eaten dinner like you were supposed to. Now go to bed."
"But but but but but....."
"No buts now go to bed guys!"
"But... Can we have a banana? Please"
"One, two, THREE..."
"But, what about one banana?"
"FOOOUUR..."
"Okay, okay! Waaahhh!"
-back to their rooms-
"MOOOM!"
-put pillow over my head-
-both come back to doorway-
"MOOOM!"
Taryn: "Lilith! What do you need?"
"I just want to tell you something this quick." (makes slashing motion through air)
"There's nothing you can tell me that quick."
"Yes, very quickly I can tell you!"
"If it's about a raspberry or a banana, we don't want to hear it."
-muffled laughter from under the covers-
"But, but.... We're hungry!"
"Then go get a frikin banana! Just one that you can share!"
-leaves, comes back with two bananas-
"I said one didn't I? You never listen to me."
-pause- "Yeah."
-more muffled laughter-
-kids eat half banana- smack smack smack smack
-kids hand out banana kisses and hugs, retreat to room-
"MOOOOM!!"
"WHAT DO YOU NEED LILY??"
"Uh.... I forgot."
"Good night Lilith."

****Notes From Mom****

You want a quick remedy? "First one I see or hear gets a spanking!" Then do it. You turned out okay..... (Luv, Mom)

That may be why I twitch at night.....

And I Thought Texans Were Odd....

This past weekend I went with my Aunt Judy to Shreveport, Louisiana to pick up my sister. We left at eight in the morning and talked the whole way about life and politics and stuff. And let me tell you, east Texas has some huge trees! I'm talking three stories tall! And grass, y'all! Real, live, green grass! It does exist! It's pretty!
So we get to Shreveport and we have to stop cause we're both women who have had children and we can't go eighty miles without peeing somewhere. I go inside and there's a line for the bathroom, a man and a woman and me. After standing there for about five minutes, the guy in the men's bathroom comes out and about that time a little old man runs around the corner and rushes into the bathroom ahead of the guy who was waiting. What did the man do? HE FOLLOWED THE OLD MAN INTO THE BATHROOM. A single bathroom, not one with two or three stalls. Then they shut the door! And I'm guessing since neither one came out and the snippet of conversation I unwillingly overheard (something about a lot of water), they peed together! Aaghh! This is not right! Thankfully the women's bathroom freed up pretty quickly, as I felt akward standing there knowing there were two obviously unrelated guys peeing in the same toilet not four feet away from me.
All went well until we had to get to IHOP. We got off at the right exit, observed the restaurant a small distance down the access road, and went straight, only to find ourselves on the interstate again!
"What happened?" Judy says.
"I dunno," I reply.
Two miles and six turns later, we find that to access the access road that IHOP resides on you have to turn right onto another road, then turn left again. Which looks like a straight shot when you're on the first road. Only in Louisiana do you have to turn RIGHT to go STRAIGHT.
So anyway. We eat and go along our merry way. All is well until it starts raining in Dallas. I might want to insert here that my aunt is a slightly erratic driver as it is, and when you add pouring rain, 70 miles and hour and bumper-to-bumper traffic.... I thought I was gonna die. But we made it through. Shopped a little.
We got back into Abilene arount 11p.m. and discovered we were locked out of my aunt's house. After not much debate, we decided not to sleep in the car in the garage because it's cold. So now, road tripped, tired, hungry and frazzled we're trying to find a cheap hotel to stay in. Long story short, we found one and got a good night's sleep.
And that was my vacation!

The Everlasting Poinsettia

I usually have no problem killing plants. I've never had a flower, spice, or vegetable garden flourish. Once, I had an elephant ear plant that grew quite nicely. Then one day it up and died. I don't think I can blame all of my black thumb skills to the West Texas climate. I think I actually have a gift for killing plants.
Or, I did until Christmas.
My Grandma bought me a poinsettia and my first thought was oh boy, another thing to feed and water. But after three weeks, this thing is still alive! I tried the usual forgetting to water it; no go. Then I let the cat maul it; nope. Finally I closed the window shades; the darn thing is still alive!
So I gave up. I watered and pruned it today. It'll probably die tomorrow.

Christmas 2006

Well another Christmas has come and gone, and I'm still alive! Sorry it's taken so long, but here's the run-down of new brain screamer toys:

From Granny: Legos. 80 pieces. But they are big sized and they did come in a bag, so I guess they're ok. Also three guns, two pistols and one shotgun, complete with gun belt and bullets. We've been killing pretend birds since the 25th.

From Nana and Paw Paw: Dora's Enchanted Castle with six rooms, each with no less than five pieces of furniture each. Every room also comes with it's own magic wand, to make something in that room perform some enchanted trick. So there's 36 more pieces, plus Princess Dora, Duke Boots, Queen Mami, Sir Tico and Lady Isa.
Also, Diego's Animal Rescue Treehouse. This comes with a helicopter and a bazillion animals to rescue, and a car with a trailer to carry said animals in, and the ever necessary doll figures.
Oh, I almost forgot! Makeup!! Goopy lip gloss, creamy icky eye shadow, permanent blue nail polish and glitter. Three vials of glitter. Caleb sure looks pretty!

From Paw Paw and Grammy: My heart literally skipped a beat when they unwrapped that Lite Brite. Yes, they still make those and yes, they still come with two thousand teeny tiny colored pegs. It was fun for about, oh, 48 hours. Now it's a "special time" toy.
Next up are the Magnetix, which are magnetic colored pieces with small steel balls. They're kinda like Legos. Those were fun until I found a few in Caleb's diaper. Not through-the-chute in the diaper, but in there none the less. I guess he doesn't want to wait for puberty. (Which brings me to a funny thing that happened today. I caught Caleb being "hands on" with his "part" today. When I told him to put it away he said "But I like it!" Also, yesterday at bath time I caught him with his parts in a Play Doh can.)

I can only blame myself for buying the Play Doh Creativity Table, knowing how anal I am about KEEPING THE DARN COLORS SEPERATE!!

From Aunt Judy: A floor mat layout of roads and train stations and stuff for him to run his cars all over. I liked this present until the kids flipped it over and started picking the foam backing off. Kids just can't take things at face value, no, they have to flip it over and see how it ticks.

All in all, we had a good Christmas. (Where's that bottle of wine?) And the Christmas tree actually made it to the 27th before I couldn't stand it any more.

How Super Is Your Toilet?

Is your toilet good? I mean, really good? Can it handle not only the day to day poop, but also the not so ordinary events? To find out, I've compiled a simple test for you......

1. Unroll one roll of Charmin super ultra comfy toilet tissue. Place in toilet. Flush.
Went down ok? Give yourself 20 points and move on.
Water level rose dangerously close to overflow but then went down ok? Give yourself 10 points and move on.
Standing ankle-deep in water? HA HA HA! Lightweight! 0 points.

2. Pick two ratty dish rags. Flush one right after the other.
Still hanging on? 20 points.
Almost ran for the towels? 10 points.
Already out of towels? 0 points.

3. Eight Magnetix pieces and five Legos. Drop and flush.
Feeling confident, huh? 20 points.
Heart fluttered, 10 points.
Ran for mop immediatley, 0 points.

4. Four crayons and three super plus tampons, whole, not broken up!
Cheering your toilet on, 20 points.
Pleading for everything to go down, 10 points.
Why are you still trying? 0 points.

5. And now the grand finale.... tell your 2 year old to go get an object, any object, and flush it. No "pre-approving" of objects!
Didn't even gurgle, 20 points.
Made an odd noise, 10 points.
Exploded, 0 points.

Add up your points.....
100: Perfect score!! You have a super toilet!
90-50: You're doing good! Keep it up!
40-0: Keep experimenting, you'll get there!

Reusable WHAT?!!

Another late-night internet surf led me to a site that sells, get this, reusable pads and tampons.
I'm so not kidding.
Apparently, for $12 you can get a flannel/cotton "holder" that has a nifty snap to wrap around the crotch of your panties. It has insertable pads made of cotton that you replace when they get "full" (I know it's so gross!). Apparently you are supposed to replace the inserts and not necessarily the holder, which makes me cringe. You can also buy "pad-panties," which are panties with a pad woven into the crotch. You just replce your underwear when you need to. They come in a variety of patterns, including leopard print. Woo hoo!
Now what gets me is that you have to wash them. They recommend by hand, so they last longer. They also recommend soaking them in cold water as soon as possible to avoid staining, i.e. throw them in the bathroom sink. Eeewww. I can only imagine James going to use the bathroom and coming out saying something like this:
"Um, babe, you uh, left your "thingies" in the sink, and uh, I don't think I can get them out by myself."
Or what if company came over and you forgot about them?? Aaahhh!!
They also include a matching carrier to store used inserts in if you happen to be out and have to change it. Can you imagine if you got pulled over and searched? The police would think you were going to the bridge to get rid of murder evidence!
Also on their site is two more items I found equally hilarious: reusable tampons and the Divacup (TM, or whatever mark I have to have here to avoid a lawsuit). The reusable tampon is actually a sea sponge harvested off the coast of some far away place. You scrunch it up and stick it in, easy as pie. About every three hours, you remove it and hold it under running water to clean it. Then you scrunch and stuff again. I wonder what you'd do if you were out and about and had to "empty" it? (I didn't see a carrier for the used tampons.)
"Hey Taryn, can you rinse this for me? Please? Come on, you have periods too. We're both women! Pleeeease?? Are you still there? TARYN! I need my tampon cleaned!!"
Now that's a close relative.
I don't think I could bring myself to use one of them, I mean I do watch SpongeBob..... it just wouldn't feel right....
And now for the Divacup. It is, literally, a coned cup that you encircle your cervix with to catch "menstrual products." Then you empty it when you think it's full.
First off, the picture shows this cup-cone in this girls' hand, and it is about as big as her palm! Both long and wide!! And it has a "stem" which is used to retrieve the cone-cup that is so long it looks as if you'd cut your labia when you sat down. Several commentors say you can't feel it at all, but come on people! You can't fool me! There is no way you can stick a Dixie cup up there and NOT feel it!!
Second, you're supposed to insert it so that it makes a suction on your cervix to keep it from coming out. You break the seal by pinching the stem. Ever been in a hurry and yanked a tampon out too quick? Can you imagine jerking your whole cervix out into the toilet? Yeah, no thanks.
Third, it's another one of those rinse-and-reuse products.
"Taryn! Can you dump my cup for me?"
Fourth, I ick when I see vast amounts of blood. I just could not dump a cupful in the toilet and not hurl.
And, to top it off, it has the word "diva" in it!! I just know I would feel super-sexy and powerful with a bucket in my vagina!
Their reasoning is that using the products saves money, which I guess it would because the products are supposed to last for years, and using them helps them appreciate their bodies' natural functions and knowing they're saving the world and not introducing "harsh, abraisive" compounds into their "divas." I don't know about you, but I don't appreciate this particular natural function. It's a pain and I can't wait for menopause. And Tampax has been good to me so far, so y'all can just keep that other crap!!

In The Lovin' Oven

First, some quotes from my beautiful children.
Caleb, in reference to a nativity scene: "Look Mimi, there's Jesus and his girlfriend!"
Lily, sitting outside as my sister and I drive up: "Hey friend, there's my mom and my babysitter."
Lily to Caleb after Taryn told them to quit being loud: "We'll do it after Taryn leaves."

I was surfing the 'net a couple of nights ago, and I came across a site promoting safe sex. Now I'm all for safe sex, in fact I think when girls turn 12 they should be on government ordered birth control until they turn 25. That woulda kept me out of a whole lot of trouble. But this site was soooo funny! I could not stop laughing! They recommend making and carrying a "safe sex kit," which contains:

12 Male condoms, in a variety of shapes, sizes, flavors and textures
12 Female condoms
1 Bottle of water based lubricant
10 pairs of latex gloves
5 dental dams, or if you can't find them,
1 Roll of saran wrap
1 tube of aloe vera gel.

Oh boy!
First of all, can you imagine carrying this stuff in your purse (or should I say suitcase) and trying to look sexy at a party or a bar?? I thought the current trend was to not have hardly anything on, i.e. Paris Hilton.
Second, they recommend that the gloves be put on before any hand-to-genital contact is made. Don't you know that feels sexy! But who knows, it may be your thing.....
Third, SARAN WRAP?? You've got to be kidding me!! They recommend this be used to "seal the genital area" before mouth-to-genital contact. Woo hoo, wrap my box in saran and let's go to town!!
Fourth, you know those saran wrap covers with elastic in them that you snap around a watermelon or whatever? Would those work? Or maybe a shower cap? It's the same thing right?
Fifth, aloe vera gel, suggested by this site in case all that latex and plastic wrap makes you "chap up or break out in a rash."
Sixth, can you imagine your one night stand going well after you whip out all this crap?
"Oh, I hope you don't mind, I brought along some protection for us to use. Yeah, that suitcase right there, could you hand it to me? Watch your back, lift with your legs, there you go. What should we use first? Oh, you want to touch me? Ok, well here's some gloves... you're allergic to latex? That's ok, I have rubber and lamb skin as well. Here's a dental dam for when you decide to kiss me. And, um, what "size" are you? I have ten different sized condoms, cause a girl never knows what to expect huh? I saved the best part for last! Here's the saran wrap for when... hey! Where are you going? I already paid for this room you arsehole!!"

Man, I wish I was single so that I could conduct an experiment. I could write a book on my findings and make millions!! I love the internet.

Accidental Martha Stewart

I just folded a tree skirt. Go figure.
That's all I have for now!

Christmas Hounds

Christmas. A lovely time of year. Until you grow up and move out and have kids. Let me explain. My parents always had hordes of boxes of Chrismas stuff. I mean every ornament from every school year or VBS semester for all three of us kids, 300 feet of lights, 50 regular ornaments that came from who knows where (you know those ones you see every year?), and that effin gaudy multi-colored doubles-as-a-disco-ball star. Who designs this stuff?? Ah, I digress.
So every year since I was born (I assume) we hauled out all this stuff and put it on the poor pine tree that happened to befall the Guenther house. Bring Sally up. Took a good two hours or so. And then there's mom's other Christmas stuff, which consisted of another 5 or 6 boxes. You know, the thirty candles even though we're not Jewish, fifteen sno-globes, three nativity scenes, those painted houses in communities, and a boat-load of other Christmas knick-knacks. Our living room always looked like Saint Nick himself, and all his holiday glory, blew up coming down from our chimney. Poor dad, hauling that stuff in and out year after year. Although looking back it was cool seeing all of it set up and all that happy crap, but in the midst of those 16 years I made a decision.
I was never. Ever. EVER gonna have that much STUFF for ANY holiday.
AND, I refuse to set my tree up until at least the first week of December.
First, I am a sort of neat freak. I like stuff tidy and clean, albeit my definition of tidy and clean varies drastically from most people's. It's kinda hard to explain, but one pet peeve is forty boxes of Christmas stuff that follows you from house to house throughout your adult life and gets left to your kids when you die.
Second, to me it just feels weird to put up your tree before Thanksgiving. One holiday at a time please! I don't understand it but some people like that kind of thing and hey if that's your cup of tea, I'll be your lemon. (Aunt Terri you're still cool though!)
SO, I have one small plastic box of Christmas stuff.
Just the basics.
This year, on top of only having that one box of stuff, I commited the cardinal sin of Christmas: not putting the tree up the minute the clock struck December 1st. And believe me, mom hasn't let me live it down. Apparently once you have kids the rule is you have to put up your tree on December 1st and retain said tree until at least New Years. If you don't they sic the hounds on you.
"You haven't put your tree up? OH MY GOSH, why?? You just have to put your tree up, the kids will love it. What? A MINI tree?? Is that legal? What do you mean you have no room in your apartment? If you move the corner table and t.v. and loveseat there's plenty of room! I simply cannot believe you haven't set up that tree....."
Ugh.
It gets worse. If your mom can't convince you, she gets her mom to help. If that doesn't work, they pull out the big arsenal: getting the kids involved. And that's just not fair when they get the kids going before noon on 12-1. It's not.
SO. I put up the tree last night. Yes, it is a mini tree and yes I have had to replace every ornament at least three times in the last 24 hours. And they plug it in by themselves if I'm not in the room. Mom says they would only pull the bottom ornaments off of a big tree, but I don't think so. Not my kids. They're sinister. Plotting to knock a big shiny reflective tree down and thoroughly examine every piece of evidence is NOT out of their league.
So there. I have my tree up. And you bet your boots it's coming down on the 26th.

Have You Missed Me?

I know, I know. I'm horrible!! I keep my audience waiting SSOO LONG between posts! The holidays kept me pretty busy. We went to my dad's side of the family in San Marcos. You want to talk about straight up torture, try riding in a car with a 5 and 2 year old for FFOOUURR HOURS. Yes, I forgot the Benadryl. No, they didn't take a nap. And no, we don't have any of that fancy-schmancy DVD players with personal ear phones or game boys or what not. We had to keep ourselves occupied the old fashioned way: playing who-threw-the-cookie, refill the sippy cup, search for the Happy Meal toy or crayons, read the same book twenty times, the next town is such and such, the next town is still such and such, no we're not to such and such town yet, etc.
My aunt and uncle have a huge porch, and in the midst of choking on blankets of smoke and swagging down a couple of alcoholic beverages we managed to have a few good laughes. Like when Caleb drank out of the porch fountain/dog water. Or the time he started humping the dog (don't ask, I don't know; an isolated incident I might add). We ate burned marshmallows and all that happy stuff. Weather was nice. Other than that I don't have any funny tales to relate to my fab audience. Sorry! Blame the kids, they're the funny ones.

My Attept At Rapping

"Aunt Flo"

Aint Flo, Aint Flo
You gotsta go
You been here too long
Get yo'sef up out my doe
Get out my garden you hoe
Yo ways is shady
Yo tactics is low
Better replace yo face
Befo' you wind up on de flo'
You'sa curse on my purse
Eatin all my money
You think it's funny
But Imma change yo pace
Send you thru that doe
Aint Flo Aint Flo
You gotsta Go!!!

(To the tune of "Do You Ears Hang Low")

Do yo string hang low
Do it drag on de flo'
Is it super is it reg
Do it get wrapped around yo toe
Do yo kids call it baby seeds
Can you use it to stop sink leaks
Do yo string hang low?

Bubble Trouble 2

Fact:
27.7 ounces of dandruff shampoo will produce approximately 4.8 billion bubbles. It will also turn the bath water a curious cerulean blue.

Fact:
Feeding your cat name brand cat food does not alter the amount of fecal matter she produces in a day. Instead, it gives it a shrimp smell on top of the already nostril burning odor. So now I am paying top dollar for shrimpy cat shat.

Fact:
Failing to wash your hands before using the bathroom after you've applied IcyHot to your back will make certain areas icy and hot.

P.S.
Why do I always get the retarded buggy when I go to Wal-Mart? Is this a sign? If you hear a-squeakin, I'm on my way.

Bubble Trouble

Ah, bathtime. A time to relax and enjoy the internet while the kids lovingly fill the bathroom floor with four inches of water. The other night I went in the bathroom because I heard an excess of giggling. Hmmm.....
They had poured not one, not two, but THREE almost- full bottles of shampoo into the bathtub. There were bubbles. Everywhere. I almost couldn't see my kids! On the floor, on the toilet, in the cat food. What to do? I rinsed them off as best as I could and let the bubbles dissipate (evaporate? pop? what do they do?) overnight.

Color Coded Pre-schoolers

How cute could this get?
Lily has a friend in her class who is autistic, her name is Mallory*. I was asking Lily about her yesterday because I was curious if Lily had noticed if Mallory was different or not. She has noticed. "What makes her different?"
"Her brain."
"Her brain? How?"
"It's a rainbow."
"Really? What color is my brain?"
"Well... I think green."
"Really? Not rainbow?"
"No, only Mallory is rainbow."
"Everyone's brain is a solid color, and Mallory's is a rainbow?"
"Yeah."
I swear. I have psychological genes in that pool.
* Not her real name. Blame HIPPA.

To Whom The Bell Tolls

I'm telling you. They're out there. There's a whole big conspiracy with snipers watching our every move. They calculate, contemplate, evaluate, and bait. They're sneaky. You never know who they are, where they are or who they'll corrupt to get information about you. It could be your best friend. It could be your mom......
They call themselves OPERATION BLUE BELL.
I have long since speculated that they existed. My wariness was confirmed yesterday in the ice cream isle, where, mixed in with the chocolate chip cookie dough and dutch chocolate was a new flavor:
FRENCH VANILLA CAPPUCCINO.
How else could anyone put together my two ultimate favorite treats, ice cream and coffee?? I ask you, how was I supposed to resist this delectable temptation when I was caught totally and completely off guard?? There I was, just roaming around the bread isle and what happens to pop out at me but the stack of this new flavor of delight that was suspiciously pulled forward much further than the other stacks?? How did it get that way?? How did it wind up in my freezer?? It walked?? Yeah right.
Women of the world, we must pull together in order to beat these sabotagers of diets! Be on the look out! Keep your eyes open! Warn your friends!! They're everywhere!!!!

P.S.
After extensive research, I have found the name of this monstrocity misleading. It does not give you energy, no matter how much you consume. Fight!!

Abusing Fat People

I went to McDonald's today and of course I had to go to the bathroom. Something about drinking 112 oz of water a day. I feel like a coffee filter trying to hold back a waterfall. Anyways, so here I go, get in the stall, plop down. Then I see my reflection in the metal door. Shooop, pee stops. Have you ever looked at yourself in a reflective stall door? How unflattering! Maybe it's the way your pants around your knees widen your stomach pooch, or how the toilet paper dispenser distorts the size of your boobs and arms, I dunno. But I got to thinking, almost every place I go to has reflective doors! The worst is Olive Garden, I think they wave the metal a little to really freak you out (thank you DQ for having wooden doors).
Is this a conspiracy? "How can we really mess with their minds? Put mirrors in the stalls!" This is some kind of abuse I'm certain. Emotional I think. And have you ever tried not looking at yourself while you wipe? HOW GROSS. It's like some sick part of you is like "Hey I always wondered what I looked like while I wiped...." and you can't help but look! And then you're even more grossed out! I guess I'll have to start closing my eyes when I have to use a reflective stall.

Dietician Disaster

I'm tired of being fat. So I went to see a dietician, because obviously my diet of blizzards and fries isn't working. Plus, it's free (thank you Tricare). So here I go. My daughter was in school but I had to take Caleb, which was going okay until he realized I was going to be talking for a LONG time (more than 3 minutes). So he starts getting ancy and the diet guy goes and gets a chair that spins, and it has wheels! Kudos! So I put Caleb in it and away he spins.
About ten minutes of non-stop spinning later Caleb gets up, comes to me and BUUUULLLLHHHH all over this guy's carpet. Chocolate milk and pop tarts everywhere. Lovely.
Can someone explain to me WHY children move from place to place while they throw up?? Do they like running and puking at the same time? They obviously don't understand the concept that staying in one place while upchucking makes only one spot to clean, and not four or five.
So here Caleb is, hurling on the floor and moving from spot to spot between heaves. I think I counted four puddles and two streaks, where he hurled in mid-walk. This gets grosser and grosser! As I grab a trash can and try to corner Caleb (which only makes him run faster and vomit more) the diet guy is being no help at all, just sitting there watching the show. When Caleb was done, you know what he said?
"Do you think he needs a glass of water?"
What?? The kid just got done throwing up everywhere! Do you need one more puddle to make the stains symmetrical? Do you like seeing kids puke? What kind of freak are you? In the end it turns out he has a two year old so he's kinda used to the unexpected happening and he was totally understanding. Except for the water thing, good grief!
Now I remember why I get a babysitter for my appointments.

You're Upset About WHAT?!!

While the husbands are away, the wives will.... panic, aparently.
So now we're down to the final four months or so of our husband's deployment. Yee Haw!! Our unit leaders have collaberated with the "higher ups" to have a re-integration meeting, which I guess is supposed to tell us what to expect when our honeys get back and how to re-integrate him back into our lives. Their slogan is "You Don't Have To Do This Alone!" or "Please Don't Go It Alone!" Interesting slogan from someone who jerked our boys out of our lives in the first place. The key elements of Family Member Reintegration Briefings are:
A. Reunion Briefings
(Namely, how to hug one another and say we missed you.)
B. PTSD/Combat Stress Awareness
(They have combat stress now? Wait till we get home to the children....)
C. Suicide Awareness
(If they haven't done it while being overseas, away from family and friends and thrust into a life of sand, gunfire and hot hot hot heat, why would they do it now??)
D. Veterans Benefits
(Thanks guys, I already did the research. Basically veterans might get help in buying a house. Maybe.)
E. Troop and Family Counseling Services
("I'm just finding it SOO HARD to let my husband cook, clean, take the trash out, pay bills, take the kids to school, share my bed, rub my feet....")
F. Military One Source
(And our husbands returning to America would change a national website how?)
G. TRICARE and United Concordia Benefits
(From what I understood, once you get back your benefits DROP. Simple as that.)
(UPDATE: Benefits can be extended for up to 180 days if your soldier has been deployed more then 30 consecutive days. WOOHOO!!)
Oh gosh. I think I may have to miss this meeting.

Sister Sense

My sister recently commented on my "Cold Cold go away" blog entry. She said "you're not getting old, you just need to get out and have some fun." I would like to reply.
The following is a schedule of my days of the week:
7 a.m.- 3 p.m.-- feed, clothe, send to school, fight with and clean after kids
3 p.m.-9 p.m.-- feed, fight with, bathe and clean after kids, work, pick up kids, put kids to bed
9 p.m.-7 a.m.-- sleep, wake up, get more water for kids, sleep, wake up to one or both kids in bed with me, sleep, wake up, get into Lily's bed, sleep, wake up, put kids back in their beds, sleep
Sometimes I squeeze in church or computer time. Now here is a simulated "night out" for me:
Spend three days juggling work schedule with babysitting schedule to see which set of grandparents will volunteer to babysit during my evening out.
Drop kids off.
Take shower.
Try to find something nice to wear, remember I've gained 10 pounds, and cry.
Pick out the usual jeans and shirt.
Spend 20 minutes trying to decide where to go without leaving a 10 mile radius of my kids, because inevitably they will sense I am trying to have fun and want to come home early.
Decide to go out to eat.
Try to find someone to eat with.
Friends are either working or taking care of their kids, in-laws and/or parents are babysitting or recovering from such.
Decide I didn't really want to go anywhere anyway.
Put on shorts and T-shirt.
Surf Ebay or MSN.
Get bored and go to babysitter's house to watch their t.v. and/or visit.
The End.
So you see, I try to have fun, but until James gets back, I really can't!

Random Thoughts

I discovered the other day that I do not own a fly swatter. But a spatula works just fine.
Conversation between Taryn and I while shopping the other day:
Me: "I dunno, I don't think that bottle will look good in my kitchen."
T: "What bottle?"
M: "The one I just bought.... didn't I?"
T: "Didn't you?"
M: "Didn't I?"
T: "Did you?"
M: "Did you?"
T: "I bought that something or other."
M: "I thought so."
Then we proceeded to Burke's Outlet. Don't ask, I don't even know. Reminds me of half my conversations with Mom. But she is getting better.
Note to Zac: Yes, baby poop can be green. It may also be yellow, orange-ish and sometimes blue, if you get the combination of food right. And yes, they will be fine.
I'm decorating my apartment so it won't look so..... undecorated. I'm aiming for a European look in my kitchen, a "woodsy" look in my living room, and a leaf/water look in my bathroom. I can't figure out a theme for my room. Chaos seems to be working though.

Ghost Pounds

Alas, my career at DQ has caught up with me, to the tune of 10-15 pounds. I'm scared to actually jump on a scale, so I'm guesstimating using the tightness of my once flattering jeans. But I have not gained ordinary pounds, oh no. That would be too simple. I have gained ghost pounds, those that move from your stomach to your hips to your thighs. Example: My jeans do not fit because I cannot squeeze my thighs into them. Then, my bras don't fit cause the straps and band are too tight (too bad I haven't gained boob pounds....). And then, my shirts don't fit cause my pooch sticks out! It's like no matter what cute outfit I try to wear, I can't because those ghost pounds appear. Funny, when I'm wearing my everyday house clothes my thighs and tummy fit fine.... Then I go to work and Kathy is like "Well I don't buy new clothes, that way I have to lose weight to wear the ones I have." Nice concept, too bad it doesn't work for me. I enjoy breathing and not looking like a slab of salami squeezed in a tube top. Which reminds me, Lily said my legs looked like sausage the other day. Grrr.

More Baby!!!

More Zayden!! Such a cutie pie!!

X-ray Mishap

I hurt my back again, surprise suprise. Shooting pains, you know. So I went to the doctor, and I don't think he was certified. It was a different doc from the one I had seen before. He didn't exactly tell me what was wrong, just gave me meds and set me up with physical rehab, which is okay cause that's what I wanted. Gimme pills!! Yeah!! Then he sent me off to get some x-rays done. Cool. So the guy tells me to take off my shirt and bra and put on one of those high dollar, extra luxuriant blue paper robes. Man I felt sexy in that. As I undressed, I realized that two of my piercings were going to be in the way of the x-ray rays (??). While I won't tell you what body parts I am speaking of, I will tell you that there are two and they are at chest level.
So, crap, I gotta get these out. Let me explain how this piece of jewelry works..... The above is a picture of a captive bead ring, commonly used for such piercings as I have. On the bead are two teeny tiny indentions that you have to magically line up with the ring for it to snap into place and stay put via tension. Changing them takes about, oh, an hour. And I have five minutes to remove them before the technician gets suspicious.
First I try to pull the ends apart to release the ball. No go. So I apply more muscle, and one hand slips, jerking my body part sideways under my armpit. OUCH. Don't want to do that again. Then I try to pull one side up while pushing the other side down, bending the metal slightly and releasing the ball, because now I don't care if they break or warp while I get them off cause this stuff HURTS. That method doesn't work either, though my hands didn't slip. WHEW. Then I try to wedge my tooth inbetween the ball and ring. Yes, I had my body part up to my mouth and yes I did look funny, and no it didn't work. Now my body parts are aching and probably almost bleeding, and the tech is knocking on the door saying I don't have to disrobe completely, all I need is my bra and shirt off. Grrr.
I finally get them off by using a credit card instead of my teeth to pop the stupid stinking little ball out of it's socket. I walk out holding my parts and after signing a waiver stating I AM DEFINATELY AND TO MY KNOWLEDGE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY NOT PREGNANT, I am contorted and twisted and zapped and finally released back into the world. Uuuuggghhhh.
(Photo borrowed from www.bodyartforms.com)

Cold, Cold, Go Away!!!

I have a cold
I'm feeling old
Nose is red and running
Head feels all funny.
Eyes are watering
Ears itch and are bothering
Can't stop sneezing
I think I'm wheezing.
I look like crap
Can't take a nap
Cause my nostrils need new plumbing.
Everything tastes weird
Still I have gained 10 pounds, as I feared.
I have a cold
I'm feeling old
And now my story is all told.

Alejandra's All Over Again!!

My kids are pretty good for the most part. Do you know why? Because they save it up and dump it on me all in one day! Two weeks ago was one of those days. I think it was a Saturday, who knows. I had battled with them all day over the flavor of kool-aid I made, who's drinking out of whose cup, I had the toy first, mom rewind Bob the Builder NOW, I'm hungry, she hit me, I have to potty, can you go with me, can we get dressed now, I want to go outside, will it rain today, is lunch ready yet?, I can't find my cup, I can't find my other shoe and I HAVE TO WEAR DORA SHOES TODAY, I don't wanna change my diaper I like it hanging to my knees, can I get on the computer, what are you reading?, can you read to me, no not that one this one, NOOOO!!! I want this one, mom where are you going?, is the macaroni and cheese on fire?
And I had to go to Wal-Mart. I thought the trip would be calming. Nooo, never that easy. We get there and first I have to battle Lily to get in the cart because she runs off. There's one screaming and crying at me. Then she finds something off the shelves and hits Caleb with it, then denies it. Now I have two screaming, crying children, and I haven't even made it past the door greeter. I snatch the thing away from Lily, who yells that she wants it back, tell her no and she shouldn't hit her brother, she knows better, and walk to the clothing section. I start looking at clothes for church and they start in with the "Can we go to the toys, I want to see the toys, mom I need to go to the toys NOW, MOM CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" I tell them if they straighten up we can go by the toy aisle. I meander a couple of racks away, and I hear screaming. Wonderful. Caleb has a shirt on a hanger and is hitting Lily, who is screaming for mommy. A lady stops and asks Lily where her mommy is, and she points to where I am, and I wave and say "Be there in a sec."
To make a long story short, I didn't buy any clothes. I didn't get past the clothing section. I had to wheel my wailing kids between customers at the check-outs who are staring and whispering to the car, where I toss them in and turn up the radio to drown out the "I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA SEE THE TOYS YOU SAID WE COULD GO SEE THE TOYS WAIT!! WAIT!!" I'm in no mood to cook dinner, so I drive to DQ.
To anyone considering having children, don't until you take mine in public. Then see if you really want kids. We get into the restaurant in three or four pieces, and Caleb goes right to the gumball machine (why do they put those there??). Lily has to go potty and runs to the bathrooms. While I'm looking over the menu and Caleb attempts to break into the gumball machine, Lily comes up to me holding out her hands and saying "Look Mom!! They got pink soap!!" Back to the bathroom. When we get out, Caleb is up front asking strangers for quarters. I tell them to get two booster seats and sit down while I order. I hear them fighting over the seats. I go corral them into a booth, and go BACK to the counter. This time I get to order and almost get our drinks when I see them crawling around under the table. By the time our food gets to us, we've spilled 42oz of coke on the table and floor, chewed up two ginormous wads of gum and thrown them somewhere, and shredded four napkins. After eating three fries and half a chicken strip each, they're ready to go. And not just in one way.
When Caleb goes number 2, he performs what I call the "poop dance". He sticks his butt out, leans over, gets on his tippy toes and runs circles around any stationary object, while scrunching up his face and shreiking. Sometimes he throws in a jump or two. As the process progresses, he makes more noise and runs faster. I know, it's funny but whatever works, right? So he's done and gets off his booster seat and starts dancing, running between customers at the counter and making stops at the gumball machine. Of course, Lily has to chime in "Mom, I think he's pooping!!" So I leave my food, gather the kids and head home, where I lay in bed and cry. Boy I'm glad I got my tubes tied.

Careers At DQ

Ahh, the rewards of working at Dairy Queen. I like it, though making ice cream cones is challenging. You don't believe me? Did you know there is a certain way to make the cone formation? And the curl? Yeah. My cones look like rolls on the Michelin Man, and my banana splits look like aforementioned rolls of vanilla with streams of strawberry, pineapple and chocolate running together, smathered in whipped topping. No wonder customers look at me funny. Blizzards and moolattes are easy, I mean you can't mess them up. You just toss some topping in a cup with ice cream and blizz it together. Did you know that milk shakes can EXPLODE? Yeah. Hold that cup tight or you'll be sneezing strawberry syrup and milk the rest of the day.
That's just up front! In the back is where it gets crazy. You wouldn't believe what people order! "Can I get a salad with just a little bit of lettuce?" What? Isn't the lettuce what a salad is all about? Ok. "I need a hamburger, meat burnt, buns toasted on both sides, mustard on one side, mayo on the other, grilled onions, no lettuce, six pickles and three tomatoes, cut in half." Umm, could you repeat that? I ran out of space on my "SHORT ORDER COOK" hard drive. I've also had tacos and hamburgers with no meat, "thin" gravy, "soft" fries, cheeseless nachoes and a chili cheese dog, no bun. C'mon people! I only get paid $5.15!!

New Baby

Here is my nephew Zayden Alexander-Knight Guenther, born 9/13/06. He weighed 7 lb. 15 oz. and is 19 inches long. Congratulations to the new parents!!

Penis Perils

My first child was female. No problem. I'm female, so I've had some experience in this field. Five years later, so far so good. My second child is male. Hrmm. Some differences, but not many. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Well, we got through the trial and error of circumcision (note to new parents: vaseline does keep the skin from sticking to the diaper, but also makes the diaper waterproof. Translation: pee all over the baby and his sheets, or whoever he's laying on). After that it was smooth sailing. Now we're in year three: potty training and the discovery of his flappy, apparently indestructable appendage. I swear, it has been through yanking, twisting, crunching, thumping and pinching. Does it have nerve endings? I guess not. I have also discovered, like their grown up counterparts, boys' appendages need very little stimulation to go from flappy to not flappy anymore. Seriously, try changing a diaper and wiping poo off the thing. You can't get it down.
The other day I had spiderman "panties" on him (hey, when you live with two girls you have to adopt their language), trying to get him to enertain the thought of pottying. I found him sitting on the couch, appendage exposed, with him hammering it with his toy hammer. And of course, the appendage was not in its natural state. Hrmm.
"Caleb! Don't do that!"
"Why?"
"Because you'll hurt yourself. Come here."
As I am trying to replace appendage in it's cloth cage, he starts banging on it again.
"Caleb, I said stop."
"I try get it down!"
Here's where I start rolling over laughing, while trying to think of something to counter that comment with. What a witty observation!
"Just leave it alone and it will go away," I try, but it makes me laugh and he doesn't seem to understand. So I go get a diaper. The old "out of sight, out of mind" always does the trick. Do all little boys do this? Do they just grow out of it? Will he be in diapers until high school? Maybe I'll keep one on him even then....

Jury Duty

This was so funny I just had to blog it.

For the newcomers here, my husband James is deployed overseas. Today he told me he got a summons for jury duty here in town. I was dumbfounded. I asked him if there was one of those "forwarded" yellow stickers on the envelope that the post office sticks on there. Nope. Then I started to laugh. The people from "The Greatest Little Town In Texas" sent a jury summons to a soldier at an APO address, complete with troop name and division number. The address has six lines. Isn't that a little LONG for someone who lives in state? Did they not notice that? "Hey Bob, you ever been to APO Texas? Me neither!" So now I have to take time out of my busy schedule to go to the courthouse and give them a copy of his deployment orders to prove that he is overseas waay past August 28th. Good grief.

My final question is, how did they get his address? I didn't give that to the post office. Is it connected with his social security number? Wow that makes me feel all warm and toasty inside, knowing anyone could pull up his SSN and find out where he and his fellow soldiers are stationed!! Good grief.

In other news, Lily has started school and she loves it! I do too. She told me today I had a "bless you" problem because I was sneezing so much. Say it with me: awwww.

I Need A Vacation

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am back! (silence) I realize I have been gone for a while, and I apologize. (more silence) Oh, sorry. I forgot I have a limited audience. (my mom) ANYWAY I have been busy moving into an apartment and spending time with James on his two week siesta from being overseas. And fighting with Verizon about my DSL not being turned on. I am really getting annoyed with major corporations!! "Yeah, it'll be turned on tomorrow..... wait, Tuesday.... what was your account number again ma'am?" Grrr.
Remember when I told ya'll that sleeping with Caleb was like sleeping with a big sweaty gorilla? Well, sleeping with my sister is like sleeping with a big sweaty PISSED OFF gorilla. I swear I have bruises from where she kicks me. She screams too. I think she's why I twitch. I am still used to James being where she is, so sometimes I forget and lay a leg over her. She freaks out! "GET OFFA ME!!!!" Kicking and stuff, geesh. She claims she doesn't remember any of it. Yeah right.
Lily starts school on Wednesday. Believe me I have been counting this one down since year one. ("They have to be 4 to start school? Darn. I guess I'll be back in three years. Can I go ahead and pre-register her?") Now the count down for #2 begins.....
My cat is in heat and she's driving me insane. You know those really annoying noises cats make when they go into heat. I can't even describe it! Only my cat has an unusual talent: she can roll her tounge. Seriously! Like when you speak Spanish rolling of the tounge. My co-worker suggested speaking Spanish to her...... um, ok. So I've been talking but she thinks I'm an idiot for saying "please" and "thank you" and the names of fruits all the time.

Do I Look High?

This is an account of my evening shortly after taking my sleeping pill:
Man, I'm groggy.....
Guess Hebrews will have to wait until tomorrow.....
(clumsily put away Bible and notebook, sit on side of bed for 1 minute)
Man, I'm hungry.....
(stumble to kitchen)
Man, this light is BRIGHT....
(stare at contents of refrigerator)
Mmmm, milk.... What goes with milk..... cornflakes! Oh yeah!
(make ginormous bowl of cereal)
Hmm.... SUGAR!! Yum yum sugar yum yum....
(dive into gargantuan bowl of cereal)
This spoon is so small, I wish I had a bigger one.... Maybe if I pile it real high with cereal I'll make up for the spoon....
(drop clump of cereal and spoonful of milk on shirt)
Darn.
(clean up mess, resume eating)
Man, this cereal is good....
(finish cereal)
Hmm.... more cereal! Yum yum cereal yum yum....
(start on another big bowl of cereal)
Yuck.
(throw rest of cereal out, groggily turn off light and go to room)
Wow, the house looks kinda cool in the dark.... kinda swirly.... wait..... am I high?!
(laugh uncontrollably in the dark for thirty seconds, stumble to bed)
Ha ha ha, that was SOOOO funny! I'm high, I think! Ahahaha!!
(start making mental checklist of "how to know if you are high")
Munchies... hrmm... half a box of cornflakes smothered in sugar would qualify... lights and colors extremely highlighted.... um, yeah....
(forget what I was doing)
Huh?
(yawn)
Man, I'm tired....
(laugh uncontrollably again)
Man, I'm high off sleeping pills!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!
(fall over and go to sleep)
I guess that's why you're supposed to take 2, because only taking 1 leaves you in between sober and flat-on-your-face asleep, similar to the side effects of cannibis, our favorite little plant in high school. It was fun though!

The Brains of Children

My mom and dad have been divorced for a while now, both remarried as well. Try explaining that concept to a four year old! My dad and his mom came over on the fourth to visit, and Lily started in on her research of the family tree.
"Papa Punkin, is that your mom?"
"Yeah, she is."
"Taryn, is this your dad?"
"Yeah." Thinking.....
"Taryn, is Mimi your mom?"
"Yeah." Still thinking........
"Papa Punkin, are you Mimi's best friend?" I can just see the wheels in her head turning....
"Well, she used to be."
Oh my, Lily is really confused! But she didn't say anything else about it.
He-child is always losing his cup. And I frequently get tired of looking for it. The following is a common conversation we have:
"Mama! Un koolade!"
"Where's your cup?"
"Where is?"
"Go find it and I'll get you something to drink."
"Un koolade!"
"Okay, go find your cup."
"Where is?"
"I don't know, I don't drink out of it. Go find it."
"Aww man...." Walks out of the room, head down and bottom lip out.
A few seconds later.....
"Mama! Un find it!"
"You can't find it?"
"No!"
"I don't think you looked for it."
"Eah I did!"
"C'mere, let's look for it."
Walk out of the room, and stumble over the cup.
"Look Caleb, what's that?"
"You find it! Un koolade mom!"
How many years until pre-k?

Sunscreen.... And Other Things

"Zac realized  the HARD way that sunblock only works if you use it PROPERLY. Maybe next time he will read the instructions!"

I like this picture for a number of reasons. First, the baby-blue-with-fluffy-clouds comforter. Say it with me people: MUY MACHO. It maches the carpet nicely. Second, I see no poo art in the photo. Whew. Third, the tall lobster. Oh wait, that would be Zac..... The unnatural color nicely illuminates his freckles. I really like the stark-whiteness at the top when it is catapulted into a wall of red. But what I REALLY like is the hand-slap marks of white where he attempted to apply sunscreen on his sides. I guess his hands aren't as big as he thought! Hopefully next time his wife will accompany him to the beach so people won't mistake him for the main course.
On another note, Lily and I have been combatting her first adolescent stage. You know, the attitude. From back talking me to yelling at her brother, I've just about had it. So I sat her down and explained what attitude was, gave her some examples, and told her the puishment for said offenses. We were getting into the car later on and she had yelled at Caleb and shoved him aside and barreled into the car ahead of him. While I was buckling Caleb in, I told her to watch her attitude, to which she said "Mom, I'm sorry for attituding to you." You just can't stay mad at a four year old.
We went to a birthday party for Lily's cousin Ana. She had gotten a trampoline for her birthday, and the poor little girl had to combat Lily for her rights to jump. Then while Ana was opening her gifts, Lily jumped on the trampoline singing her Broadway tunes. Here's what I caught: "Iiiii'm at a biiiirthday paaaarteee, for Aaaaannaaaa, haaaaappy biiiirthday Aaaaannnaaa, she's opening her preeeesents, and I'm juuuuumping, yeeeaaahhh!!" The next day at church, she just HAD to wear that stinking birthday hat to Sunday school (thanks for passing those out). They made a crown during class, and I woke up from my afternoon nap wearing it. Apparently I was the mean queen who tormented little children in her sleep. Oh yeah!
I know I haven't written in a while, but I promise to get some more anecdotes up soon!!

Military Grocery Shopping

I went grocery shopping at the commisary on base with my sister and her friend. It was like taking two six- year- olds to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory:
"Did you see that one? Oh my gosh!"
"Yes! And the one beside it! Do you think that's his car?"
"Maybe! Go ask him!"
"YOU go ask him! Ah, he's looking at us, don't look don't look!!"
"You know what? If we meet him, he could introduce us to his friends, and they could introduce us to their friends, and we could meet a whole lot of gorgeous guys!! Eeeee!!" Gag me with a spoon.
Anyway, we made it to the store and got through shopping, even though I had to stop and go to the previous isle and retrieve them from the heels of yet another soldier, and made our way to the registers. I did what any normal (civilian) shopper would do: picked a register and got in line. A couple of minutes later, the woman in front of me turns around and says "The line starts back there." I looked and saw three overflowing-cart laden shoppers glaring at me.
Running the length of the isle in front of the registers are lots of pallets of sodas, crackers, etc. with a gap about half-way. That's where the line started. Oh, so that's why I had to squeeze between a pallet and shoppers in the express lane to get to a register.....
So I meekly wave to the other customers and scoot to the end of the line under the rude glare of the guy at the head of the line holding a clipboard. Wait, a clipboard? This situation just went from stupid to assinine.
First, you have to wait in line to wait in line. Second, when you get to the head of the line, you must wait for the guy with the clipboard to make a few marks on his secretive paper (I tried to sneak a look) and give you your register assignment ("You may wait in line three, ma'am"). Third, you wait in line at your pre-destined, picked-especially-for-you-based-on-the-characteristics-of-your-personality-that-we-
observed-from-your-facial-expressions-and-choice-of-parking-space. Finally, you get the privilege of buying your groceries. What gets me is the clipboard guy gets paid (he had on a uniform) and the sackers rely on tips (they didn't)!! Whose butt do you have to kiss to get THAT job? Does he get paid per assignment? Are there penalties if he assignes a patron the wrong cashier and they tussle about a coupon? Does he get assigned a line when he shops or does he have free pickings? What is his job title? Do you have to have a degree?
Of all the anal retentive features of the military, this one tops them all. I can't even come up with any more to say about the subject. If anyone has any answers, feel free to leave a comment.

Women At Wal-Mart

I under estimated the powers of walmart. Example of what happens when a pregnant lady gets turned loose in wally world!

This is yet another blog-material picture from my brother. It took me a minute to figure it out. Okay, there is kinda a lot of stuff on top of the refridgerator..... Then I got it. They bought so much stuff that they had to tape the freezer shut with electrical tape!! HaHaHaHa!!! I love his caption, too. Men do under estimate the psychological power of Wal-Mart. I can't explain why I enter the store and don't remember anything until I'm trying to find my car in the mammoth parking lot. Or why I get home with six bottles of conditioner that was on sale, eight boxes of tampons that weren't, thirty Schick razor blades for men, and four new pairs of jeans. What I don't come out with is shampoo, diapers, tin foil and sugar. I have the same problem in Dollar General. What happens? Does anyone have any thoughts? I think those black globes on the ceiling are brain wave transmitters with one message: BUY IN BULK UNTIL YOU FILL YOUR BASKET OR YOUR HUSBAND FINDS YOU!!!

The Woes Of Summer

I have to ask all my readers this question, just to see who will say yes and redeem me. Have you ever sat down on the toilet to do your business and Olympic bob-sledded onto the floor because your butt was so sweaty?
True story. Now that I've slipped a disk in my back, I figured I'd go ahead with cracking my tailbone, and add a hyper-extended shoulder caused by kinda catching myself on the way down. I was cooking (frying?) homemade tortillas in my freakin hot kitchen when nature came a'calling. So I raced to the bathroom cause I had a tortilla cooking, pulled down my shorts and WHAM! Right on my arse. I'm thankful that I didn't hit my head on the sink on the way down, and that my body recognized I was no longer seated on the toilet and super-flexed my kegel muscles so I wouldn't pee all over the floor. I didn't realize I was sweating that profusely! Do they make toilet seats with carpet on them? Or velcro? Or maybe I'll just have to wipe before I sit down from now on. (Or maybe I'll have to (GASP!) revert back to full coverage underwear to soak up the access moisture. Aahhh!! NO!! Not the granny panties! You can't make me!) It's times like this I wish I were a man. I bet they don't have problems like this.
While we're on the subject of butt problems, I had a funny conversation with my mom last night. We were driving around and she mentioned that she and Chad use wipies as backdoor sqweegies. I was like, doesn't that feel GROSS your butt cheeks slipping past each other every time you take a step? Nasty!! And the sped up process of said butt cheek gliding has to cause you to take vastly larger steps, right? Do you walk faster to off-set the big steps? I bet you look funny. Doesn't it feel funny? What do you do, cram your underwear in there to wipe up some of the moisture? Isn't that the same as wiping with toilet paper? Ewww, I'd hate to be the one doing your laundry, but I guess since you both participate it's not as gross. I hope they quit before they get older and I have to do their laundry. I'd be calling Taryn!
One last thought..... I've given in and turned the thermostat down to 88. During the hours of 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. Sometimes till 5. But when 4 or 5 hits, you better believe I've got the electro-shock force field back on. Maybe it was the peeling the kids off the carpet to get them into bed that did it. Or maybe the cat hyperventilating at my feet. Or maybe, just maybe, because I found myself sweating so bad I broke the Guiness World Record for Fastest Exit Off A Toilet Seat Without The Use Of Hands Or Feet. We'll see how it goes.

Poo Art!

Yes, dear readers, this is a picture of dog poo. It was sent to me last night by my brother, who apparently inherited the gene that causes sudden, uncontrollable lapses of mental function. I thought only I and mother had it, but I guess it can jump futher than we thought.
I got Zac's text message to check my email, he'd sent a cool picture. So I log on, click and click, BAM!! This awesome piece of canine bowel sculpture appears before my eyes. My first thought was WTF?!! I checked the email bar; it had come from him. Then I think, well maybe it hasn't finished downloading yet. So I sit and stare at it for three minutes. Nothing changes. Now, as if the poo art isn't disturbing enough, it is uncannily highlighted by the Eddie-didn't-make-it-to-the-bathroom-in-time, gag-inducing GELLOW carpet (is it green? is it yellow? it's gellow!). Oh MY gosh, Zac you have to get this fixed. It's HORRID. I find looking at the poo easier then trying to look at this carpet. Maybe the dogs were trying to make it look more appealing? Or maybe they hate it so much that the only way to show their disgust is to crap on it. That's bad. I'm surprised that his pregnant wife can look down and not throw up.
To the dog's credit, it does look humanoid. Which prompted my next question: was that layout natural or did Zac "help"? Hey, he did take a damn picture of it.... He said it was natural (BIG sigh of relief). Maybe he's bored. Maybe he needs to make some friends. One thing I do know, he and his wife need to go shopping for wall-to-wall oriental rugs PRONTO!!

Electric Summer

Well, summer is here. Hip hip hooray for higher electric bills and poopy pool water! My May bill was $150, up from $140. My air conditioning is OFF and will stay that way for most of the summer, if I can win the battle with my sister and my mom. I swear, you'd think I was beating my kids! My sister will sneak the AC on when she thinks she's being coy. Like I can't hear! One time I came home to my mom and the kids eating candy with the thermostat on 70!! Good grief! I'm trying to convince Taryn that it being 97 inside the house is still better than outside where it's 110, and the constant sweating is surely burning calories.
Now before anyone goes calling CPS on me, let me say that my kids wear well ventilated clothing (bare skin) and swim on the porch in their little kiddie pool most of the day. Sometimes we even venture to the city pool for a dip. It's me you should be worried about! I can't get cool! There's something about my room, it attracts heat and hangs onto it. But this is where the computer is, and my big comfy bed. So I am sitting here sweating and typing and hoping I don't ruin the keyboard.
The other night I took to sleeping on the toy room floor. Bad idea. Not only did the air matress deflate while I slept, but what little sleep I did get was disturbed by my psycho cat and my in-laws yapping dog. We borrowed Chi Chi for a day because I know Phoebe gets lonely, and she likes to terrorize the poor chihuahua (yo quiero taco bell?). They were racing across my body yapping and hissing and clawing all night. I ran out of toys to throw at them around two a.m. I have a map of Texas highways on my legs now made by claw marks. Ugh. So I gave up and bought a big box fan at Wal-Mart.
Oh, and I slipped a disk in my back. Nothing big, but the doc told me to stop doing Tae Bo. It sucks! I went through three days of Tae Bo withdraw, where I would randomly yell "double time!" and burst into left and right jabs. So now I'm stuck. Running makes my legs fall off, pilates gives me hemherroids, and Tae Bo plays disk jockey with my vertebrae. What do I do now?! Taryn and I plan on walking this evening. Lets hope I don't lose an arm to power walking.
I don't have any real funny kid stories to tell. Lily tried to convince me she was really a boy, and Caleb and I are still struggling with potty training. I've whipped out the carpet stain remover again and attached it to my belt, because..... well, you can imagine. Those who have forgotten, please see my previous blog entitled "Worshipping Carpet Stain Remover."
Well I have to go clean up the off-brand Lucky Charms glob off my coffee table and carpet. At least milk is white! And I LOVE LOVE it when Taryn walks by me and says "Your son stinks" or "He just made a huge mess with that bowl of cereal" or my personal favorite "Go look what your kids just did!!"

Brain Blast!!

There's a cartoon on Nickelodeon called The Adventure of Jimmy Neutron, a ten year old with an IQ of a bazillion. When he gets into trouble and needs to think of something quick to solve the problem, he has a "brain blast" and brainstorms until he comes up with a solution.
Lily got in trouble for hitting her brother today, so she stood in the corner for four minutes, per house rules. When her time was up, I called her over to me.
"Now, why did you hit Caleb?"
"I dunno, my brain wasn't thinking."
"Well, I guess you'd better tell your brain to start thinking so you won't get into any more trouble, huh?"
-puts hands over ears and says- "BRAIN BLAST!!!"

Caleb is trying to get potty trained. So far we've gotten to him taking off his diaper and peeing in the floor. Apparently he thinks this is what you're supposed to do most of the time, and occasionally sit on the potty.
"Caleb, you're supposed to go pee pee on the potty!"
"Tee tee momma!"
"Yes I know you went pee pee, but you need to sit on the potty next time you need to go."
"TEE TEE, momma!"
"Oh okay, tee tee. Next time tee tee on the potty okay?"
-points to floor and smiles- "I tee tee momma!"
"I know, you're a big boy! When you take your diaper off, go sit on the potty so you don't pee pee on the floor, okay?"
"TEE TEE MOMMA!!"
"Oh good grief!"
Apparently if I'm not going to use toddler-talk we're not going to get very far. Oh, and WHY do toddlers have to repeat a question forty times even when you've told them and they know the answer?